struggling after miscarriage

[MarlyBoe]

Hi everyone. I joined this site a while ago, when my husband was first diagnosed, but haven't spent much time at all around here. But recently I suffered a miscarriage and a Google search for miscarriage with BPD spouse led me here so I figured it's time to post something.

Overall we've been doing well. We were separated for about a year after his hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis. It was hard news but a relief because now we had something to "treat."  We've both been getting lots of professional help, individually and together, and we've been making good progress.  Good enough that we finally decided, nearly six years after our twins were born, to have another kid.

But last week I got the horrible news that the baby's heart had stopped beating and I had to have a medicated miscarriage. My husband, who is in the healthcare field, has what feels to me to be a very cold approach (the fetus wasn't viable and what's done is done). I get it that it may be the "seeing the world in black and white" BPD thing, and I accept that I'm likely very hormonal and all, but the fact remains that I am suffering, due both to the physical act of bleeding out my baby and the horrible emotional pain from the loss. And he has been completely unsympathetic. Even when he 'tries to be helpful and understanding' by, say, taking care of the kids in the morning so I can get a little extra rest, later in the week he'll inevitably guilt trip me for it, as if letting me rest wasn't an act of love rather a negotiating chip I now have to make good on.

Anyhow, that's what's going on now with me. While I desperately hope no one else out there has to go through anything like this, my guess is there probably will be someone who understands. Sad as that is, it'll be nice to have a little support and understanding. Thanks, all.

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[Notwendy]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I did experience this too, and my H had a cold and scientific approach to it too. In fact, the night before I had to have the procedure, he stopped to have dinner with a co-worker. It wasn't a quick meal, but a moderately nice restaurant. When he came home, I was upset that he didn't come home faster. His reply " well I had to eat!" My reply " of course you had to eat, but why a restaurant with your friend". I am sure you know where that went. I didn't know better.

Logically, I was not in physical danger that night. He didn't need to worry about me. I also had great medical care. It was early on in the pregnancy thankfully, because that made it physically easier, but emotionally, all my hopes and dreams for that baby ended. I was a wreck emotionally.

I will wish for your healing. It was a long time ago, and I have gotten over it, but know how painful a loss it is. I undestand how he reacted now, not that I like it, but I am not bewildered by it anymore. Be good to yourself.

[Notwendy]

I want to add that at the time, I took this quite personally, it was very hurtful. I could not imagine how someone could be so cold at such an emotionally hard time. I think it is exactly that it is emotionally hard that makes them colder.

I'm pretty detatched from his reaction now, since I understand it was not about me.

I saw something similar to this later when my father was ill. (mom has BPD). She was extremely cold about it. I think this has to do with how pwBPD manage feelings. They can not even manage their own so imagine how they can not manage such emotional situations like this. She had to have been feeling something. Surely I was upset, and my poor dad knew things were serious but she could not be of comfort to him.

Thinking back, perhaps my H and yours, were aware of the loss you are facing, but something so emotional was not even something they could handle, so they cut themselves off from it. It seems as if they are unaware of your pain, but they are so  far into their own heads, they can't see much else.

I wish I had known that then. I would have found a support group or some other way to get the emotional support I needed. I hope you can find some support where you are.