Codependency Query

[AwakenedOne]

Does everyone here on the Leaving Board consider yourself to be a codependent?

I have read the definition of codependency and don't consider myself to fall into that category.

I have never been involved in a relationship like this before that was abusive. Out of all my past gf's I have never even been called one curse word before by any of them. In this relationship my uBPD wife called me every name in the book and basically referred to me by the name "Fkr" during our last month together. I didn't tolerate that and this seemed to trigger her to flee I think. Well... .hit and run would describe her exit in a better way. I never tried to save any past gf and was not looking to my BPD ex to fill a void or save her. I just really loved her deeply. In hindsight I missed signs during our dating that could or should of been red flags. When I married her nothing was really that out of line. After we became bf and gf she was marriage crazy. I was not into marriage because I had many obligations and no time for commitments of this kind. After meeting her my goal was to just have fun with this nice person and just take it slow. Cupids arrow shot me in the buttocks region though and prompted me to propose. Because of this I now view Cupid in an unfavorable light. After married, the first year things started to go downhill into crazy rages and she became selfish and self centered with unreasonable requests and allowing no room for compromise. Years 2-4 progressed into much chaos mixed with still a lot of great times mixed in. My religious belief was that divorce is not allowed unless adultery was committed as well as the passage concerning 70 X 7 forgiveness, so I was stuck with her. The last year she caused me injuries and attacked me a ton, usually cowardly sneak attacks. She also seemed to enjoy torturing me as payback for stuff that was very trivial but in her mind serious. I found a Bible verse that released me from being bound to her. I divorced her. After being tossed away in the cruel way that she did I would of divorced her anyway. Bible verse or not.

[Infern0]

I definitely am, I didn't even know what it meant until after this relationship but I can see my patterns now of being attracted to damaged people who I can help/rescue.  My upbringing was also typical of the upbringing that spawns codependency with abusive relationship between parents.

Working on correcting the problem now.

[Ripped Heart]

AwakenedOne, I believe a good number of people on these boards would associate themselves with being co-dependent/rescuer type personalities. However, that doesn't mean to say everyone who is involved in a r/s with a pwBPD falls within the same category and for many, it might just be an unfortunate turn of events.

Judging by your post, I can see some similarities between being a rescuer and what you have also described. That's not to say you fall within that category either, it appears you have some strong and firm beliefs around forgiveness and I know the bible also focuses around doing good unto others and perhaps that's why you were more tolerant and stayed within your relationship.

As a rescuer, we tend to put the needs of others before our own more out of the fact that is how we were raised so never fully developed an understanding of our own wants and needs above those of our basic needs. It's these kinds of traits that we have that can attract pwBPD and it doesn't always show immediately, they mirror us which makes us feel good, like we have found someone who knows and understands our every thought and it draws us in deeper. We choose to ignore the red flags, or simply don't see them and by then we are too involved to let go.

So my question to you is, was the only thing that kept you in your marriage your strong beliefs or were there other factors too?

[AwakenedOne]

So my question to you is, was the only thing that kept you in your marriage your strong beliefs or were there other factors too?

I deeply loved this woman. It wasn't just about beliefs. It's just that the beliefs allowed for no escape route. I read a member here once write that they think that the pwBPD hate us for loving them. That seems to be true.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's normal and healthy to care for a partner and focus on their needs and the health of the relationship, while retaining our own individuality.  Enabling someone in their dysfunction, making their needs the focus and the only needs that matter, defining yourself by who you are in relation to your partner's needs, and based on your ability and desire to meet those needs, is codependency.  It's a continuum though; I spent the beginning of the relationship caring about her and trying to make the relationship work, but when it became clear she was going to be a full time project and it would always be all about her, I bailed.  I felt myself going to that codependent place, and I'm way too independent for that, which is what ultimately created the internal conflict that inspired me to bail.

It sounds like you suffered abuse Awakened, but did you feel yourself going to that subservient place with her?

[AwakenedOne]

It sounds like you suffered abuse Awakened, but did you feel yourself going to that subservient place with her?

I appreciate the question. Her main obsession was having babies. I didn't give her a baby and delayed that demand in order to first observe the development or the falling apart of our marriage before popping a living soul out into the world to be part of this. If I had given her the baby I would of classified myself into that description.

Plenty of abuse from the mid to end. She wrote long apology letters telling me of her goals to change, read books and promised counseling and shed thousands of tears before transforming into Super BPD in 3D. I didn't say abuse was ok ever to her. I forgave. I had no idea I was dealing with someone with a mental disorder. Maybe possibly multiple disorders it seems now. I thought I was dealing with someone who had anger issues and with love and some form of joint communication WE together could overcome. In the FOG though it's all a foggy nightmare of mixed things swirling around.

[SlyQQ]

No would not consider myself co-dependent just stuborn when i cant get something to work