Breaking NC

[Heldfast]

I am doing it, a little bit to see where her head is at and a little bit to poke the bear to show her therapists the text. A great deal of vitriole and she pretends that the ex she recycled was really just caring about her happiness as he worked his way back into her system through texting, telling her she should marry me (we were five weeks engaged) and at the same time telling her she was the only woman for him, he just wanted her happiness, but he wanted to move to our hometown so he could be there to fight for her (a flight from Seattle to St. Thomas). She ate it all up. And ten days after leaving me, she'd flown to Washington to be with him. How is she this stupid and naive? If he wanted her happiness he'd have left her alone and stayed out of our lives.

[GrimFellow]

I am doing it, a little bit to see where her head is at and a little bit to poke the bear to show her therapists the text. A great deal of vitriole and she pretends that the ex she recycled was really just caring about her happiness as he worked his way back into her system through texting, telling her she should marry me (we were five weeks engaged) and at the same time telling her she was the only woman for him, he just wanted her happiness, but he wanted to move to our hometown so he could be there to fight for her (a flight from Seattle to St. Thomas). She ate it all up. And ten days after leaving me, she'd flown to Washington to be with him. How is she this stupid and naive? If he wanted her happiness he'd have left her alone and stayed out of our lives.

If he would have stayed out of your lives you would still be in relationship with woman that was able to leave you after reading a bunch of cheap pick up texts. You deserve better my friend and sooner you will get aware about that the better, believe me. If she wouldn't left you now she would do it in the future, maybe with other guy. Is it worth it?

I was once cheated and my situation was similar (not with BPD ex because of who I'm a part of this community) after some time I thanked the guy she cheated me with. Before they slept with each other this guy was my so called "best friend", and after that he regreted it.

You are now in unique position from which you are able to see things in this relationship just as they are. DON'T WASTE IT.

I wire you some support  

[Suzn]

How is she this stupid and naive? If he wanted her happiness he'd have left her alone and stayed out of our lives.

Whos' happiness are we talking about here Heldfast?

I would caution you on pointing a finger at him for her actions. I use to do that, thinking my exBPDgf was only mixed up with manipulative people and if she would just stay away from them things would be ok. Truth was I wanted these people out of her life because of MY fears, not so fun things happened when she ran around with her friends. There were times she came back home drunk, with a wrecked car. What I realized was I was the one that was uncomfortable, she was fine with her decisions. I was the one who made the decision to keep picking up the pieces for her and I didn't like it. I blamed them and not her. And certainly not myself for continuing to save her.

We all play a role in these relationships and he's playing his. However, her actions are hers.

[downwhim]

If it wasn't him it would have been someone else. My experience is, when they get engaged they feel trapped and want to run... .

[JRT]

I am interesting to see how she reacts... .how long have you been NC?

[Heldfast]

We had been NC for about a week. It blew up when I outed her new relationship, then went quiet for another week. I invited her to our next therapy session, to call in. She responded that probably would not happen, but I told her she'll talk, I'll listen. We'll see. I do know that as a result of such, she did reach back out to the therapist to schedule her own time with her.  Again, calling in, but at least she's reaching out to the therapist, who confirmed that she believes my suspicion that my ex is BPD too. I don't know what will happen when the suggestion of a diagnosis comes from a professional as opposed to the all painted black me. She shot back a lot of vitriole as well, but knowing what I know now, it pretty much just runs off my back. She is very much focused on control, me trying to control all of this. She acknowledges no fault, blame, etc.

[JRT]

What is your goal with her?

[Heldfast]

My goals are twofold. I either want her back in my life, but seeking help, and i would support her in that. I know that is not a light commitment. My other goal is to continue improving myself until I naturally move on. I am pursuing the second, but preparing myself for the first.

[Suzn]

She is very much focused on control, me trying to control all of this.

What are your thoughts on this?

She acknowledges no fault, blame, etc.

Are you saying she isn't admitting fault? I just want to clarify I'm following what this statement means.

Heldfast, I'm glad to see you are posting on the Staying board. There are skills you will need to master if indeed she is back in your life.

We would also be remiss if not discussing the level of trust needed between a therapist and a patient with BPD. Your ex is already claiming you are trying to control her/this situation. How successful do see her with sticking with a therapist if she doesn't feel she can trust you? I ask since you have mentioned "our" next therapy session. A session you are urging her to attend after what has happened.

I'd like to share this with you.

Changing core beliefs

While DBT emphasizes emotional regulation, CT, as applied by practitioners such as Judith Beck, PhD, the director of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research in Bala Cynwyd, Pa., also conceptualize all 10 personality disorders as dysfunctional core beliefs about the self, others and the world. The cognitive therapist helps people with these disorders learn to identify and change these core beliefs, says Beck. This is most often accomplished by weekly sessions with a trained therapist.

According to Beck, a person with BPD, for example, may believe "I'm defective, helpless, vulnerable and bad."

"Everything that they do, everything that happens, ends up maintaining these beliefs," says Beck. "If they don't give money to a homeless person, they think they are bad. If they do, they think they should have given more."

To root out such dysfunctional beliefs, CT practitioners often must help patients revisit and reinterpret early-childhood experiences, says Beck.

For example, a person may have picked up the belief, "I'm inadequate," because his parents had assigned him responsibilities he was not developmentally ready for. "Perhaps he was asked to take care of his younger siblings, and, not unreasonably, he failed," says Beck.

Beck and other CT practitioners ask clients to move beyond thinking of such events as proof of inadequacy and instead explore alternative meanings. Ideally, the patient comes to understand the underpinnings of dysfunctional core beliefs and works to change them. However, says Beck, problems can emerge if a patient interrupts that process by applying his or her dysfunctional beliefs to therapy itself.

"Axis I patients often come to therapy believing 'I can trust my therapist, this is going to work,'" says Beck. "Axis II [personality disorder] patients may think things like 'I can't trust my therapist, she might hurt me,' or 'If I listen to my therapist it will show how weak I am and how strong she is.'"

To counteract such dysfunctional thinking, therapists should be ready to help patients examine dysfunctional beliefs about the therapist or therapy, says Beck.

More here:   www.apa.org/monitor/mar04/treatment.aspx

[JRT]

My goals are twofold. I either want her back in my life, but seeking help, and i would support her in that. I know that is not a light commitment. My other goal is to continue improving myself until I naturally move on. I am pursuing the second, but preparing myself for the first.

I think that is not unreasonable... .but I would really go the NC method until the emotions die down... .it might be days, weeks or months.