Just one of those days...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDx and I broke up this past September.  Up until the week before Christmas I had remained in contact with her.  We didn’t speak on the phone but often spent the days/nights texting.  We rarely talked about anything of substance but I had hoped she was going to seek treatment.  I wanted to stand by her side because I don’t think she understood the magnitude of the task before her.  I held on as long as I could but she just kept putting treatment off and something had to give.  It was tearing me apart inside acting like I was holding it together while texting with her, when in reality I was falling apart.  About a week before Christmas I told her I needed some time to clear my head. She has reached out to me a couple times since then but our contact has remained limited.  If she does contact me she vanishes at any given moment. 

       I feel like my grieving process was stunted because I had given in and started talking to her again.  My wounds were concealed by the bandages of her presence and now I feel like they are raw yet again.  My eyes fill up with tears when my mind starts to wander in her direction.  It’s so absurd because I know I deserve better.  I know that it isn’t fair what she was doing to me.  I know that there are underlying factors of why I gravitate to her; But 3 years is a long time to just chalk it up to me being thrown a life saver.  I didn’t realize she had BPD until our relationship ended and the revelation has really opened my eyes.  It has made the things I was once perplexed about crystal clear.  It has answered some of the questions that ransacked my brain.  When I start to falter and find myself questioning, I remember what I have learned.

          Yet none of this stops the ache.  They say that tears are the hearts way of releasing the poison that has manifested in our souls but I’m not sure how many tears I have left.  I feel like the slightest bump to my chest and I suffer an emotional downpour.  I don’t mean I am left sobbing on the floor but my heart feels as if its squeezed by a vice grip.  Why do I miss her?  Why do I think about the ridiculous things we use to do together?  Why do I look at the other side of the bed and wish she were there?  Sure I’m lonely but I’ve been lonely before.  It isn’t the loneliness I want to satisfy.  I truly do miss her or at least the person I thought she was.  She is much more callous and cold now that she is no longer here.  I guess I am holding on to the flashes of goodness I saw in her.  The love in her eyes that left as soon as she blinked. 

             She literally just texted me... .crazy isn’t it?  It’s like she knows.  I’m not feeding into it nor do I have my hopes up. I’ve retired my rose colored glasses. I just want the pain to stop being so intense.  I can make it through the day it would just be nice to have a reprieve.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

My uBPDx and I broke up this past September.  Up until the week before Christmas I had remained in contact with her.  We didn’t speak on the phone but often spent the days/nights texting.  We rarely talked about anything of substance but I had hoped she was going to seek treatment.  I wanted to stand by her side because I don’t think she understood the magnitude of the task before her.  I held on as long as I could but she just kept putting treatment off and something had to give.  It was tearing me apart inside acting like I was holding it together while texting with her, when in reality I was falling apart.  About a week before Christmas I told her I needed some time to clear my head. She has reached out to me a couple times since then but our contact has remained limited.  If she does contact me she vanishes at any given moment. 

       I feel like my grieving process was stunted because I had given in and started talking to her again.  My wounds were concealed by the bandages of her presence and now I feel like they are raw yet again.  My eyes fill up with tears when my mind starts to wander in her direction.  It’s so absurd because I know I deserve better.  I know that it isn’t fair what she was doing to me.  I know that there are underlying factors of why I gravitate to her; But 3 years is a long time to just chalk it up to me being thrown a life saver.  I didn’t realize she had BPD until our relationship ended and the revelation has really opened my eyes.  It has made the things I was once perplexed about crystal clear.  It has answered some of the questions that ransacked my brain.  When I start to falter and find myself questioning, I remember what I have learned.

          Yet none of this stops the ache.  They say that tears are the hearts way of releasing the poison that has manifested in our souls but I’m not sure how many tears I have left.  I feel like the slightest bump to my chest and I suffer an emotional downpour.  I don’t mean I am left sobbing on the floor but my heart feels as if its squeezed by a vice grip.  Why do I miss her?  Why do I think about the ridiculous things we use to do together?  Why do I look at the other side of the bed and wish she were there?  Sure I’m lonely but I’ve been lonely before.  It isn’t the loneliness I want to satisfy.  I truly do miss her or at least the person I thought she was.  She is much more callous and cold now that she is no longer here.  I guess I am holding on to the flashes of goodness I saw in her.  The love in her eyes that left as soon as she blinked. 

             She literally just texted me... .crazy isn’t it?  It’s like she knows.  I’m not feeding into it nor do I have my hopes up. I’ve retired my rose colored glasses. I just want the pain to stop being so intense.  I can make it through the day it would just be nice to have a reprieve.

[myself]

Hope you're feeling better. There will be many calmer days ahead.

Grieving... .If I could draw a map of the million places mine has gone it would look like the scribbles of someone drowning. It keeps changing. And would be very different than your map or anybody else's.

There is so much to get to, making sense of things and letting go like this. It's natural it will take time to work through. Honestly, this is pretty fresh for you. Keep in mind you're going to take it at your own pace, your own depths. It's been more than a year for me, since the final breakup, and I'm still grieving. Both what was and what could have been. Each day's different.

Like yours, my ex avoids treatment. It hurts to know, but best to let it go.

Here's a way of looking at it that's helped me find the strength to continue:

The 'reprieve' already happened. We're still getting used to it/accepting it.

[Tibbles]

For me it was so hard to let go of the dream of us. That was the hardest part. The way we were before crazy showed up. That was so special and I think a part of me will always miss and ache for that. I have finally let go and that is when I began to feel peace again. It took me a long time and it is a process. Giving up on that dream was so darn hard, and I felt the things you described. On truly bad days I'd tell myself all I had to do was breath, that's it, nothing more. One breath at a time I got through the day. Now I feel good, I'm enjoying my freedom and becoming me again. 

As songbook said - it takes time to work through. I'm 18 months out and its only in the last few months that I feel I've really let go. You will get your reprieve, it will come, you just have to hang in there. Put your effort into working on you, looking at your issues and why you stayed in the relationship. Take the focus of her and put it on you. That will help you to heal and move on. 

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Hope you're feeling better. There will be many calmer days ahead.

Here's a way of looking at it that's helped me find the strength to continue:

The 'reprieve' already happened. We're still getting used to it/accepting it.

That holds an over abundance of truth.  Thank you both for the replies, it truly was one of those days.

[WhoMe51]

I am sorry you are hurting.  I can truly relate to what you are saying.  It's like you want to take her and shake her and say "do realize how much I love you?"  But you can't.  In her world love is different.  Love to her is a need.  She needs it to survive but once she gets it she becomes afraid of it.  And she retreats.  And with you texting her, you are safe to her.  She is getting some need met just like you are by keeping contact with her.  What helped me, was realizing that I could never have the person I wanted or not for very long that it is.  And no matter what I did, the person in the beginning would never come back.  Remember, how you feel right now will pass, but it will stay the same as long as you contact her or she contacts you.  Because contact keeps the dream alive.  But as long as you have breath, you can dream new dreams.  And you have been given an opportunity to grow and to become better.  It's not easy, but the reward in the end will be great.  I am starting the walk out of the fog again so I know.   So hang in there things will get better.