The worse is not loving a pwBPD, the worse is not being able to love anyone else

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I can't help to think that love won't be the same for me. I'm fairly detached, yet I can't see myself feeling for another woman what I felt for her, and it's so hard to understand. She was not smart, she was not interesting, she is a compulsive liar and extremely promiscuos. Rationally, she is not the woman of my life, yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her, I don't have it in me to feel something for all the girls I'm meeting.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

[Alberto]

I can't help to think that love won't be the same for me. I'm fairly detached, yet I can't see myself feeling for another woman what I felt for her, and it's so hard to understand. She was not smart, she was not interesting, she is a compulsive liar and extremely promiscuos. Rationally, she is not the woman of my life, yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her, I don't have it in me to feel something for all the girls I'm meeting.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

[Hazelrah]

I can't help to think that love won't be the same for me. I'm fairly detached, yet I can't see myself feeling for another woman what I felt for her, and it's so hard to understand. She was not smart, she was not interesting, she is a compulsive liar and extremely promiscuos. Rationally, she is not the woman of my life, yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her, I don't have it in me to feel something for all the girls I'm meeting.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

Alberto,

This is a very understandable thing to feel.  I think many of us do miss the intensity of our relationships with our pwBPD—I’ve seen many other people here express similar concerns.  I can certainly relate to this conundrum, as I’ve thought about it a lot myself.  It might be a tendency towards codependency for me…looking to someone else to fill needs I should be filling for myself.   

You’ve had some very wise and lucid thoughts for other folks.  What might you attribute this issue to in your case?  Why do you think a woman who didn’t possess traits you value (intelligence/honesty) and did exhibit traits you don’t care for (promiscuity) still draw you in and form the bond you had with her?

[GrimFellow]

I can't help to think that love won't be the same for me. I'm fairly detached, yet I can't see myself feeling for another woman what I felt for her, and it's so hard to understand. She was not smart, she was not interesting, she is a compulsive liar and extremely promiscuos. Rationally, she is not the woman of my life, yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her, I don't have it in me to feel something for all the girls I'm meeting.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

Hello Alberto  

You are not alone, I still feel things you feel now, half a year after we split (exBPD). But there is a light in this tunnel cause months right after split I couldn't think of anything else than her, now I can. This uncanny love disappears slowly but I'm sure that we will finally leave it behind.

I think you should focus on things you want to achieve, and if you now don't see them try to figure out what they are.

Hold on and try to not lose your grip. On this messageboard you will always find someone willing to listen to you  

[fromheeltoheal]

yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her

That's what bonding with someone who absolutely must attach, fuse, with another human being to feel whole feels like; we were emotionally enmeshed with mental illness, and it's a great buzz for a while, but we've felt the fallout too.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

Was that intensity sustainable love?  Wasn't for me, it was like being in a life-or-death situation where time slows down, adrenaline is racing, chaos all around, reacting not acting, and when it's done and we live through it we go "Whew!  What a rush!", but those things aren't sustainable, although they will probably show up in other areas of our lives unannounced.  I mistook that buzz for love for a while, but love is a slow burn that strengthens with age, kind of like the difference between lighter fluid and charcoal; give me charcoal any day now, the flash and boom of lighter fluid is invigorating but it's too easy to get burned and it doesn't last.

[Alberto]

I can't help to think that love won't be the same for me. I'm fairly detached, yet I can't see myself feeling for another woman what I felt for her, and it's so hard to understand. She was not smart, she was not interesting, she is a compulsive liar and extremely promiscuos. Rationally, she is not the woman of my life, yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her, I don't have it in me to feel something for all the girls I'm meeting.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

Alberto,

This is a very understandable thing to feel.  I think many of us do miss the intensity of our relationships with our pwBPD—I’ve seen many other people here express similar concerns.  I can certainly relate to this conundrum, as I’ve thought about it a lot myself.  It might be a tendency towards codependency for me…looking to someone else to fill needs I should be filling for myself.   

You’ve had some very wise and lucid thoughts for other folks.  What might you attribute this issue to in your case?  Why do you think a woman who didn’t possess traits you value (intelligence/honesty) and did exhibit traits you don’t care for (promiscuity) still draw you in and form the bond you had with her?

I really don't know. I try really hard to intellectualize this situation but I just can't explain it rationally.

It's a mixture o her being profoundly wounded, severely unpredictable and inexplicably addictive. I thought I was mentally strong and level headed, all this is very strange for me.

[Alberto]

I can't help to think that love won't be the same for me. I'm fairly detached, yet I can't see myself feeling for another woman what I felt for her, and it's so hard to understand. She was not smart, she was not interesting, she is a compulsive liar and extremely promiscuos. Rationally, she is not the woman of my life, yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her, I don't have it in me to feel something for all the girls I'm meeting.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

Hello Alberto  

You are not alone, I still feel things you feel now, half a year after we split (exBPD). But there is a light in this tunnel cause months right after split I couldn't think of anything else than her, now I can. This uncanny love disappears slowly but I'm sure that we will finally leave it behind.

I think you should focus on things you want to achieve, and if you now don't see them try to figure out what they are.

Hold on and try to not lose your grip. On this messageboard you will always find someone willing to listen to you  

Thanks for the kind words. As you say time heals everything, but the mistery of the effect this girl had on me is something that will linger for a long time, even if I find love again.

[Rise]

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

I say this speaking as a man that is chronically attracted to unhealthy/high drama relationships: That intensity isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong, it can be addictive. But I've found like most addictive substances, it's not healthy either. There's a difference between those instant intense feelings and a real deep love. Love builds over time, with shared experience, and true emotional bonding. It's a different type of intense, and in many ways more intense, than the one we feel in a high drama relationship.

I get the feeling you're quite like me Alberto. You're looking for love, but chasing the wrong thing. I've had to teach myself that if I'm having immediate, overwhelming attraction to a girl, there's a good chance that she's not someone that I can have a healthy long term relationship with. I've had to learn to step back and not get caught up in the moment. I've also had to learn to give women I don't have that sort of feeling for a chance to build something greater.

[Alberto]

yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her

That's what bonding with someone who absolutely must attach, fuse, with another human being to feel whole feels like; we were emotionally enmeshed with mental illness, and it's a great buzz for a while, but we've felt the fallout too.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

Was that intensity sustainable love?  Wasn't for me, it was like being in a life-or-death situation where time slows down, adrenaline is racing, chaos all around, reacting not acting, and when it's done and we live through it we go "Whew!  What a rush!", but those things aren't sustainable, although they will probably show up in other areas of our lives unannounced.  I mistook that buzz for love for a while, but love is a slow burn that strengthens with age, kind of like the difference between lighter fluid and charcoal; give me charcoal any day now, the flash and boom of lighter fluid is invigorating but it's too easy to get burned and it doesn't last.

All the rational arguments point at the break up being the logical and desirable conclusion, yet I feel like after meeting her, the rest are boring.

Maybe I have to force myself to date and experience healthy affection, but it feels wrong because I don't seem to develope a connection and I don't want to use people as bandaids.

[Alberto]

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

I say this speaking as a man that is chronically attracted to unhealthy/high drama relationships: That intensity isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong, it can be addictive. But I've found like most addictive substances, it's not healthy either. There's a difference between those instant intense feelings and a real deep love. Love builds over time, with shared experience, and true emotional bonding. It's a different type of intense, and in many ways more intense, than the one we feel in a high drama relationship.

I get the feeling you're quite like me Alberto. You're looking for love, but chasing the wrong thing. I've had to teach myself that if I'm having immediate, overwhelming attraction to a girl, there's a good chance that she's not someone that I can have a healthy long term relationship with. I've had to learn to step back and not get caught up in the moment. I've also had to learn to give women I don't have that sort of feeling for a chance to build something greater.

That's what I was planning to do, choose a girl for rational characteristics and values and try to build something patiently, but it doesn't feel right. Maybe all this rollercoaster messed up the balance of my pleasure/love/pain chemicals and I just need some emotional holidays.

[JRT]

I feel the same way... .

... .there was really no insightful and witty conversation with her (my prize quality in a woman)... .nor was she funny... .not particularly sexy or into sex, about aver age and so was the sex... .she didn't have any real hobbies or passions... .didn't read any books... .was not into music (I'm a musician) ... .it was clear that she was going through the motions when she gave gifts... .came to functions or family events while at hers, it was all about selling herself through MY accomplishments and activities for her families validation. Yet, like you guys, 3.5 months after her disappearance, I am still in a semi-hypnotic state. I was just eating dinner and thought to myself that it wouldn't please me more than to have her walk in the door... .we could work it out.

I have always been know to be a mentally strong man... .this is VERY uncharacteristic for me... .my divorce was just a bump in the road compared to this!

[HappyNihilist]

These are understandable questions and thoughts, following a relationship with a pwBPD. These relationships have a very addictive quality to them, just by their very nature.

yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her

That's what bonding with someone who absolutely must attach, fuse, with another human being to feel whole feels like; we were emotionally enmeshed with mental illness, and it's a great buzz for a while, but we've felt the fallout too.

fromheeltoheal speaks the truth. That magnetism you feel is the result of a disordered bond. For a pwBPD, attachment = emotional survival. This helps understand the intensity you mention.

Dolores Mosquera, in her article "Early Experience, Structural Dissociation, and Emotional Dysregulation in Borderline Personality Disorder" (full article) explains this initial intense attachment--

The images of the "good" parent are connected to the attachment system, which is innately conditioned to attach to the parent. [... .] When individuals with borderline personality disorder start a relationship, the attachment system becomes initially activated. They easily idealize a new attachment partner. [... .] The need for attachment is very intense, and we often see this intensity as disproportionate [... .] but it is absolutely proportionate to the unmet needs from the original situation.

In other words, the intensity of the attachment is because the pwBPD's inner self is always trying to resolve their core abandonment wound -- and the pwBPD attaches to a partner like a child to its mother.

Emotionally healthy people do not attach to romantic partners in this child/caregiver way. It's an exercise in futility, because no one can provide what the pwBPD is looking for -- that ship has long sailed. Instead, the only way the pwBPD can resolve this core wound is to realize that only he/she can give him-/herself that love and acceptance.

Maybe I have to force myself to date and experience healthy affection, but it feels wrong because I don't seem to develope a connection and I don't want to use people as bandaids.

Until we address our own core issues -- the ones that led to us being in a r/s with a pwBPD -- it can be difficult for us to recognize and develop healthy connections.

Member MaybeSo wrote something that really stuck with me in this area--

If we wanted stable intimacy, we would require or find it. We are acting out of our own fear of intimacy, but we do it behind the scenes by choosing to be with a partner long-term who we can count on to do the dirty explosive work. I feel like I look like the one wants intimacy, but I'm with someone who can't sustain intimacy, so I'm not really doing intimacy.

What do love and intimacy look like for you, Alberto?

[nodiggity]

According to my T it is reliving the parental rejection I experienced early childhood.

From what I have read your conscious and subconscious are not fully separate until the age of 5. If you experience parental rejection before 5 part of it is locked into your subconscious. Therefore anytime someone rejects you it triggers emotional pain from your subconscious and you do anything to avoid that.  

And we all know BPD behaviour is rejecting in the extreme.  We bend over backwards to avoid triggering undealt with emotional trauma from early childhood.

Classic codependency in the making.  

[nightmoves]

We bend over backwards to avoid triggering undealt with emotional trauma from early childhood.

AND as such - so do the Non's... .

And so it goes... .and so on... .and so on... .and so on... .

[Hazelrah]

It's a mixture of her being profoundly wounded, severely unpredictable and inexplicably addictive. I thought I was mentally strong and level headed, all this is very strange for me.

That first one's a good place to start.  My ex-wife was profoundly wounded, and I felt it was my duty to swoop in and save someone who loved me so intently... .or at least appeared to.  For a lonely dude like myself, filling that role made me feel important.  But that feeling was too important to me, and my help only served to aid her helplessness. 

Would you characterize yourself as a 'rescuer'?

I think HappyNihilist really hit on a few of the other things you mentioned, too.

[Alberto]

What do love and intimacy look like for you, Alberto?

That's a good question and I'm not sure I can answer. I just don't feel a connection with most women, and when I do I simply expect them to be my best friend but with physical attraction.

[Alberto]

It's a mixture of her being profoundly wounded, severely unpredictable and inexplicably addictive. I thought I was mentally strong and level headed, all this is very strange for me.

That first one's a good place to start.  My ex-wife was profoundly wounded, and I felt it was my duty to swoop in and save someone who loved me so intently... .or at least appeared to.  For a lonely dude like myself, filling that role made me feel important.  But that feeling was too important to me, and my help only served to aid her helplessness. 

Would you characterize yourself as a 'rescuer'?

I think HappyNihilist really hit on a few of the other things you mentioned, too.

Definitely a rescuer, but I've dated and been happy with healthy girls before. The problem is now I can't seem to find normal women stimulating. It's not like I've always needed to fix, but of course I've never known someone as tortured as my ex.

[HappyNihilist]

What do love and intimacy look like for you, Alberto?

That's a good question and I'm not sure I can answer. I just don't feel a connection with most women, and when I do I simply expect them to be my best friend but with physical attraction.

Being good friends and having physical chemistry are both components of a healthy relationship. But sometimes we can place unrealistic expectations on top of those things. And if we're not exactly sure what we want or need, then our expectations tend towards unrealistic and/or uncertain and changing.

What do you mean exactly by "being best friends but with physical attraction"? What does this look like for you?

You say that you "simply expect them to" do these things. What do you expect of yourself in a relationship?

[myself]

Alberto, by 'stimulating' do you mean challenging?

Like it's a puzzle, or something you're addicted to?

Does the feeling of connection come from struggling?

[downwhim]

I can't help to think that love won't be the same for me. I'm fairly detached, yet I can't see myself feeling for another woman what I felt for her, and it's so hard to understand. She was not smart, she was not interesting, she is a compulsive liar and extremely promiscuos. Rationally, she is not the woman of my life, yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her, I don't have it in me to feel something for all the girls I'm meeting.

I feel the same way. Not good for me yet have this draw. He is busy with replacement. I have no where to go but to move on.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

Alberto,

This is a very understandable thing to feel.  I think many of us do miss the intensity of our relationships with our pwBPD—I’ve seen many other people here express similar concerns.  I can certainly relate to this conundrum, as I’ve thought about it a lot myself.  It might be a tendency towards codependency for me…looking to someone else to fill needs I should be filling for myself.   

You’ve had some very wise and lucid thoughts for other folks.  What might you attribute this issue to in your case?  Why do you think a woman who didn’t possess traits you value (intelligence/honesty) and did exhibit traits you don’t care for (promiscuity) still draw you in and form the bond you had with her?

I really don't know. I try really hard to intellectualize this situation but I just can't explain it rationally.

It's a mixture o her being profoundly wounded, severely unpredictable and inexplicably addictive. I thought I was mentally strong and level headed, all this is very strange for me.

[downwhim]

The connection was so strong. After talking with a close friend tonight she said she saw it was not going to go anywhere. She thought I just put on blinders to who he was and what was really going on. Probably true.

[Alberto]

What do love and intimacy look like for you, Alberto?

That's a good question and I'm not sure I can answer. I just don't feel a connection with most women, and when I do I simply expect them to be my best friend but with physical attraction.

Being good friends and having physical chemistry are both components of a healthy relationship. But sometimes we can place unrealistic expectations on top of those things. And if we're not exactly sure what we want or need, then our expectations tend towards unrealistic and/or uncertain and changing.

What do you mean exactly by "being best friends but with physical attraction"? What does this look like for you?

You say that you "simply expect them to" do these things. What do you expect of yourself in a relationship?

It's hard to explain. I feel it in a subsconcious level, I have no connection with 99% of the women i meet, even if I admit they are smart and good looking. Once I feel connection I simply want to spend time together, and i expect to be their best friend too.

[Alberto]

Alberto, by 'stimulating' do you mean challenging?

Like it's a puzzle, or something you're addicted to?

Does the feeling of connection come from struggling?

Definitely yes to all those questions. She is the most emotionally unpredictable, volatile, impulsive and at times distant girl I've ever met, well basically she is the only unpredictable, volatile girl I've met. She being a model added to that, the legion of orbiters made it feel like a constant struggle to retain her, and she allways made sure I knew of the many men that pursued her.

Maybe it's a replay of a relationship with a distant mother?

[drummerboy]

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

I've been thinking a lot about this too. I'm almost 12 months since bu and am in a new r/s with a really nice woman but the feelings just aren't there. Our BPDs just drove the love truck at 100mph straight at us and overwhelmed us. Of course it was all BS but God it felt so good in the early days didn't it? I am sad that I'll probably never have such intense feelings ever again even though I know they were total infatuation and nothing to do with real love. The amount of oxytocin she must have caused to be released in me would fill a bathtub. So now I'm just being patient as this new woman is so grounded and real.

Another thing I miss is the drama, BODs might be messed up but they are fascinating, like a car crash. Mine was non stop drama in her life, all of it self created but I never had boring conversations with her. I think I got addicted to the drama/turmoil and to be honest, I miss it.

[GrimFellow]

I can't help to think that love won't be the same for me. I'm fairly detached, yet I can't see myself feeling for another woman what I felt for her, and it's so hard to understand. She was not smart, she was not interesting, she is a compulsive liar and extremely promiscuos. Rationally, she is not the woman of my life, yet there's a such a strange magnetism that binds me to her, I don't have it in me to feel something for all the girls I'm meeting.

Loving a pwBPD is hard, but feeling that you won't be able to experience the same intensity again is devastating.

Hello Alberto  

You are not alone, I still feel things you feel now, half a year after we split (exBPD). But there is a light in this tunnel cause months right after split I couldn't think of anything else than her, now I can. This uncanny love disappears slowly but I'm sure that we will finally leave it behind.

I think you should focus on things you want to achieve, and if you now don't see them try to figure out what they are.

Hold on and try to not lose your grip. On this messageboard you will always find someone willing to listen to you  

Thanks for the kind words. As you say time heals everything, but the mistery of the effect this girl had on me is something that will linger for a long time, even if I find love again.

Alberto, with all due respect I have to say that you still confuse love with toxic addiction to disordered personality. Love means caring for each other, love when it comes to BPDisordered person is only phrase. Powerful phrase taking "honeymoon" into consideration but still mere phrase.

This as you called "mistery of the effect this girl had on you" is only in your head and it depends on you if you will ever get rid of it. Stop feeding the monster in your head with questions about how powerful it is.

"If you make your enemy invincible by thinking about it this way, it will become such"

Effect this girl had on you is based on her looks and her words. She was beautiful right? They always are, we tend to associate good traits of character with beauty (try to find "what is beautful is good" research, just google it now and simply read abstract). But when it comes to BPD, beauty is such flawless as deceptive my friend. BPDs can also provide us with immersive narrations what combined with looks in the first phases of relationship hooks us up really well. But this is the end of it, there is NOTHING MORE they could offer.

You want to spend life with empty shell that is beautiful but will lose this beauty after some time? This shell will respond to your requests and emotional needs only with echo coming from its empty interior.

As I said before I do afraid that I won't ever find real love, but it won't stop me from giving a try. And even if I will end up all alone, should I look desperately to find someone just to be with any person. That is just what BPD does, and what is more pathetic than that?

I'm sure that you will recover and get rid of this lingering need to be abused 

[Trog]

You will be able to love someone else. I felt strongly for other women and for sure had a better, more romantic and fulfilling relationships that I managed to blow through my own issues. You wont feel that kind of love again cos its dysfunctional, theres a better love out there, the trick is spotting it and holding onto it.

[HappyNihilist]

You wont feel that kind of love again cos its dysfunctional, theres a better love out there, the trick is spotting it and holding onto it.

Perfectly said. 

[downwhim]

I feel the same way... .

... .there was really no insightful and witty conversation with her (my prize quality in a woman)... .nor was she funny... .not particularly sexy or into sex, about aver age and so was the sex... .she didn't have any real hobbies or passions... .didn't read any books... .was not into music (I'm a musician) ... .it was clear that she was going through the motions when she gave gifts... .came to functions or family events while at hers, it was all about selling herself through MY accomplishments and activities for her families validation. Yet, like you guys, 3.5 months after her disappearance, I am still in a semi-hypnotic state. I was just eating dinner and thought to myself that it wouldn't please me more than to have her walk in the door... .we could work it out.

I have always been know to be a mentally strong man... .this is VERY uncharacteristic for me... .my divorce was just a bump in the road compared to this!

Exactly how I feel. I am an educated woman. I have tried hard to be strong through all of this and not react. I have tried to get on a dating site to get my mind off of him (too early). Not interested in any other man but HIM! Why, I do not know. He doesn't work, doesn't work out, isn't social the list goes on and on... .sex was good until he took that away at the end as a control issue. So, why can't I move on?

[JRT]

I feel the same way... .

... .there was really no insightful and witty conversation with her (my prize quality in a woman)... .nor was she funny... .not particularly sexy or into sex, about aver age and so was the sex... .she didn't have any real hobbies or passions... .didn't read any books... .was not into music (I'm a musician) ... .it was clear that she was going through the motions when she gave gifts... .came to functions or family events while at hers, it was all about selling herself through MY accomplishments and activities for her families validation. Yet, like you guys, 3.5 months after her disappearance, I am still in a semi-hypnotic state. I was just eating dinner and thought to myself that it wouldn't please me more than to have her walk in the door... .we could work it out.

I have always been know to be a mentally strong man... .this is VERY uncharacteristic for me... .my divorce was just a bump in the road compared to this!

Exactly how I feel. I am an educated woman. I have tried hard to be strong through all of this and not react. I have tried to get on a dating site to get my mind off of him (too early). Not interested in any other man but HIM! Why, I do not know. He doesn't work, doesn't work out, isn't social the list goes on and on... .sex was good until he took that away at the end as a control issue. So, why can't I move on?

How long has it been since your b/u?

[downwhim]

3 1/2 months for me... .

[JRT]

3 1/2 months for me... .

Let us know how it goes