Why so soon?

[jammo1989]

Had a 2 year relationship with a girl who i very much believe suffered from BPD. She had an incredibly abusive childhood, strangled by her mothers BF, her mother is B Polar and an alcoholic who my ex had to look after since a very young age. She put herself into foster care after being physically abused by her own mother. Furthermore, the person who she thinks is her dead is physically there but emotionally distant, she will Skype him and he will always cut the call and not respond, she has no family and is still officially married with 2 children all this at the age of 24.

She begged me for her 3rd child towards the end of our relationship because her youngest who is 3 was starting school full time this year, so she told me I need a baby because my youngest doesnt feel like a baby anymore also she told me that her benefits would get cut if not working during this period. She was on the coil and I even told her now is not the time for a baby because she wouldn't let me move in with her, nor would she move in with me. I then found out that she faked pregnancy in order to avoid abandonment, when that failed she started texting me crying saying you killed our baby you made me abort it! When in reality there was no baby conceived in the first place. She then started flirting with a guy on Facebook, I told her that its not acceptable because she stopped me from talking to all my girl mates, she then dumped me over the phone.

She then started the push/pull for 2 weeks telling me that her and the kids missed me and that she loved me so much that it hurts to even hear my voice, she would then ignore all texts and calls, I finally had enough, called her up and said your playing mind games and that i cant do this anymore, she then said ok and hung up.

2 days later shes in a relationship with my replacement and he had stayed at hers that night, she then blocked my Facebook and mobile number (i did not harass or chase)

Ive now been 4 months NC with her and today found out that she purposely got pregnant with the new guy after 2 months (removed her coil) she unblocked my number and tried to Face time me last weekend,m which i did not respond to. If she knew about her pregnancy 3 months ago why would she decide to break NC and attempt to call me now many weeks later? If shes pregnant then why try and open up communication again after 4 months especially if she rushed pregnancy with this new guy, thry have only been together 5 months.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines, and women in general, want babies for a variety of reasons jammo; one reason a borderline wants one is the bond that is formed with the baby, a human that is 100% dependent on the mother and doesn't know better, is a perfect, idealized bond that the borderline has always dreamt about, that replaying of the earliest attachment that created the disorder to begin with.  That lasts until the baby grows up to be a child who wants its own independence, and if the mother won't let it, another borderline may be created.  And the other option is have another baby to get back to that buzz.  My ex had 6.  And most of them have criminal records now.  Lovely.

Anyway, it's been a while jammo, and you're still deep in it emotionally.  Time to start finding ways to shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future.  I was where you are at 4 months, I understand, but it's time to start doing the work to move forward, as painful as it is.  What can you do today that is a step towards your bright future, the one without her in it?

[jammo1989]

Borderlines, and women in general, want babies for a variety of reasons jammo; one reason a borderline wants one is the bond that is formed with the baby, a human that is 100% dependent on the mother and doesn't know better, is a perfect, idealized bond that the borderline has always dreamt about, that replaying of the earliest attachment that created the disorder to begin with.  That lasts until the baby grows up to be a child who wants its own independence, and if the mother won't let it, another borderline may be created.  And the other option is have another baby to get back to that buzz.  My ex had 6.  And most of them have criminal records now.  Lovely.

Anyway, it's been a while jammo, and you're still deep in it emotionally.  Time to start finding ways to shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future.  I was where you are at 4 months, I understand, but it's time to start doing the work to move forward, as painful as it is.  What can you do today that is a step towards your bright future, the one without her in it?

Thank you for your response Heels, I was out of the FOG, my life was back on track and my mind no longer ruminated around the past, I had been 4 months of complete NC.  Then out of the blue she decides to unblock my number and attempted to call me once which occurred last weekend, I then found out that she was pregnant only 2 months into her new replacement.  She has managed to put me back in the FOG, this isnt because I love her or want to be back with her again, its because of the following thoughts that keep my head spinning:

Why intend to get pregnant only 2 months into a new relationship?

If you knew you were pregnant 2 months into your new relationship, why wait another 2 months (4 months in total) to unblock my number and make contact with me?

If it was to tell me she was pregnant, then why leave it 2 months after knowing?

Why is she breaking contact with me, if she was indifferent towards me then contact wouldn't have been made

Why unblock my number call once, then block my number again immediately after?     

Thats why my head is spinning so much     

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you for your response Heels, I was out of the FOG, my life was back on track and my mind no longer ruminated around the past, I had been 4 months of complete NC.  Then out of the blue she decides to unblock my number and attempted to call me once which occurred last weekend, I then found out that she was pregnant only 2 months into her new replacement.  She has managed to put me back in the FOG, this isnt because I love her or want to be back with her again, its because of the following thoughts that keep my head spinning:

Why intend to get pregnant only 2 months into a new relationship?

If you knew you were pregnant 2 months into your new relationship, why wait another 2 months (4 months in total) to unblock my number and make contact with me?

If it was to tell me she was pregnant, then why leave it 2 months after knowing?

Why is she breaking contact with me, if she was indifferent towards me then contact wouldn't have been made

Why unblock my number call once, then block my number again immediately after?     

Thats why my head is spinning so much     

Yes, that was stunning and unexpected news, and I don't know the answers, although she probably has her reasons, or had them at the time, ones that make total sense in her head, but I don't recommend asking.

But how can you use this?  What have you learned about yourself and where you are in your detachment?  What's good about this?  If you were completely detached and you got news like that, maybe it wouldn't even phase you; what steps do you need to take in that direction?

It's hard man, I get it, and getting back on the horse is the best thing you can do.

[jammo1989]

Thank you for your response Heels, I was out of the FOG, my life was back on track and my mind no longer ruminated around the past, I had been 4 months of complete NC.  Then out of the blue she decides to unblock my number and attempted to call me once which occurred last weekend, I then found out that she was pregnant only 2 months into her new replacement.  She has managed to put me back in the FOG, this isnt because I love her or want to be back with her again, its because of the following thoughts that keep my head spinning:

Why intend to get pregnant only 2 months into a new relationship?

If you knew you were pregnant 2 months into your new relationship, why wait another 2 months (4 months in total) to unblock my number and make contact with me?

If it was to tell me she was pregnant, then why leave it 2 months after knowing?

Why is she breaking contact with me, if she was indifferent towards me then contact wouldn't have been made

Why unblock my number call once, then block my number again immediately after?     

Thats why my head is spinning so much     

Yes, that was stunning and unexpected news, and I don't know the answers, although she probably has her reasons, or had them at the time, ones that make total sense in her head, but I don't recommend asking.

But how can you use this?  What have you learned about yourself and where you are in your detachment?  What's good about this?  If you were completely detached and you got news like that, maybe it wouldn't even phase you; what steps do you need to take in that direction?

It's hard man, I get it, and getting back on the horse is the best thing you can do.

Ive learnt that I dodged a bullet, and that, this new father to her child is going to see the real her as her hormones start changing for the worst during pregnancy.  Ive also realized that, there was no way I could have got out of the situation any better than what I did, It was either give her the baby or break up, and my gut feeling told me this is dangerous so I made the decision to walk before I got trapped. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Ive learnt that I dodged a bullet, and that, this new father to her child is going to see the real her as her hormones start changing for the worst during pregnancy.  Ive also realized that, there was no way I could have got out of the situation any better than what I did, It was either give her the baby or break up, and my gut feeling told me this is dangerous so I made the decision to walk before I got trapped. 

Good for you, that's what I was thinking; he's in for a wake-up call if he's with a pregnant borderline.  And congrats for listening to your gut feel, I did the same thing.  So does any of that focus help stop your head from spinning?

[Trog]

Thank you for your response Heels, I was out of the FOG, my life was back on track and my mind no longer ruminated around the past, I had been 4 months of complete NC.  Then out of the blue she decides to unblock my number and attempted to call me once which occurred last weekend, I then found out that she was pregnant only 2 months into her new replacement.  She has managed to put me back in the FOG, this isnt because I love her or want to be back with her again, its because of the following thoughts that keep my head spinning:

Why intend to get pregnant only 2 months into a new relationship?

If you knew you were pregnant 2 months into your new relationship, why wait another 2 months (4 months in total) to unblock my number and make contact with me?

If it was to tell me she was pregnant, then why leave it 2 months after knowing?

Why is she breaking contact with me, if she was indifferent towards me then contact wouldn't have been made

Why unblock my number call once, then block my number again immediately after?     

Thats why my head is spinning so much     

Yes, that was stunning and unexpected news, and I don't know the answers, although she probably has her reasons, or had them at the time, ones that make total sense in her head, but I don't recommend asking.

But how can you use this?  What have you learned about yourself and where you are in your detachment?  What's good about this?  If you were completely detached and you got news like that, maybe it wouldn't even phase you; what steps do you need to take in that direction?

It's hard man, I get it, and getting back on the horse is the best thing you can do.

Ive learnt that I dodged a bullet, and that, this new father to her child is going to see the real her as her hormones start changing for the worst during pregnancy.  Ive also realized that, there was no way I could have got out of the situation any better than what I did, It was either give her the baby or break up, and my gut feeling told me this is dangerous so I made the decision to walk before I got trapped. 

Exactly, you made that decision. It was the right decision. It was powerful and wise decision and now you have been proved 100% right in your decision. Rather than seeing this as something bad, you should be patting yourself on the back. I know its a blow to the ego, but you are going to find a woman to truly love and who truly loves you and if you'd had that baby and stayed with her, you would have been robbed of this. Be proud of your decision Jammo this could have been a much more painful story. Gods got your back, no? 

[jammo1989]

Thank you for your response Heels, I was out of the FOG, my life was back on track and my mind no longer ruminated around the past, I had been 4 months of complete NC.  Then out of the blue she decides to unblock my number and attempted to call me once which occurred last weekend, I then found out that she was pregnant only 2 months into her new replacement.  She has managed to put me back in the FOG, this isnt because I love her or want to be back with her again, its because of the following thoughts that keep my head spinning:

Why intend to get pregnant only 2 months into a new relationship?

If you knew you were pregnant 2 months into your new relationship, why wait another 2 months (4 months in total) to unblock my number and make contact with me?

If it was to tell me she was pregnant, then why leave it 2 months after knowing?

Why is she breaking contact with me, if she was indifferent towards me then contact wouldn't have been made

Why unblock my number call once, then block my number again immediately after?     

Thats why my head is spinning so much     

Yes, that was stunning and unexpected news, and I don't know the answers, although she probably has her reasons, or had them at the time, ones that make total sense in her head, but I don't recommend asking.

But how can you use this?  What have you learned about yourself and where you are in your detachment?  What's good about this?  If you were completely detached and you got news like that, maybe it wouldn't even phase you; what steps do you need to take in that direction?

It's hard man, I get it, and getting back on the horse is the best thing you can do.

Ive learnt that I dodged a bullet, and that, this new father to her child is going to see the real her as her hormones start changing for the worst during pregnancy.  Ive also realized that, there was no way I could have got out of the situation any better than what I did, It was either give her the baby or break up, and my gut feeling told me this is dangerous so I made the decision to walk before I got trapped. 

Exactly, you made that decision. It was the right decision. It was powerful and wise decision and now you have been proved 100% right in your decision. Rather than seeing this as something bad, you should be patting yourself on the back. I know its a blow to the ego, but you are going to find a woman to truly love and who truly loves you and if you'd had that baby and stayed with her, you would have been robbed of this. Be proud of your decision Jammo this could have been a much more painful story. Gods got your back, no? 

Thank you for all your support Trog it means alot! I know I made the right decision, but its the little things that knock me off balance like calling me once then blocking my number again.  The rational human tends to analyse, but when its mixed with mental illness its hard for us to see reason and make sense of such irrational and strange behavior. 

[Trog]

Thank you for your response Heels, I was out of the FOG, my life was back on track and my mind no longer ruminated around the past, I had been 4 months of complete NC.  Then out of the blue she decides to unblock my number and attempted to call me once which occurred last weekend, I then found out that she was pregnant only 2 months into her new replacement.  She has managed to put me back in the FOG, this isnt because I love her or want to be back with her again, its because of the following thoughts that keep my head spinning:

Why intend to get pregnant only 2 months into a new relationship?

If you knew you were pregnant 2 months into your new relationship, why wait another 2 months (4 months in total) to unblock my number and make contact with me?

If it was to tell me she was pregnant, then why leave it 2 months after knowing?

Why is she breaking contact with me, if she was indifferent towards me then contact wouldn't have been made

Why unblock my number call once, then block my number again immediately after?     

Thats why my head is spinning so much     

Yes, that was stunning and unexpected news, and I don't know the answers, although she probably has her reasons, or had them at the time, ones that make total sense in her head, but I don't recommend asking.

But how can you use this?  What have you learned about yourself and where you are in your detachment?  What's good about this?  If you were completely detached and you got news like that, maybe it wouldn't even phase you; what steps do you need to take in that direction?

It's hard man, I get it, and getting back on the horse is the best thing you can do.

Ive learnt that I dodged a bullet, and that, this new father to her child is going to see the real her as her hormones start changing for the worst during pregnancy.  Ive also realized that, there was no way I could have got out of the situation any better than what I did, It was either give her the baby or break up, and my gut feeling told me this is dangerous so I made the decision to walk before I got trapped. 

Exactly, you made that decision. It was the right decision. It was powerful and wise decision and now you have been proved 100% right in your decision. Rather than seeing this as something bad, you should be patting yourself on the back. I know its a blow to the ego, but you are going to find a woman to truly love and who truly loves you and if you'd had that baby and stayed with her, you would have been robbed of this. Be proud of your decision Jammo this could have been a much more painful story. Gods got your back, no? 

Thank you for all your support Trog it means alot! I know I made the right decision, but its the little things that knock me off balance like calling me once then blocking my number again.  The rational human tends to analyse, but when its mixed with mental illness its hard for us to see reason and make sense of such irrational and strange behavior. 

One of 2010's posts talks about the lonely child or the helpful child, something of this nature and our dance with the BPD. One of the things that really keeps us stuck (me included) is trying to work out why, why, why, to their hurtful, immature and sabotage behaviour. There was another great line this weekend from someone on the boards, something along the lines of, you can only forgive when you stop expecting a certain behaviour/outcome. I butchered it. It was nicer than that. I don't know why she did it, I don't know why my ex chooses such a painful and shameful life, but you know what... .at some point, and it takes time to reach it, you just gotta say... .cos they BPD and pay it no more mind than that.

It does help to understand the disorder but theres something very deep in many of us nons that wants answers, that cant understand disrespectful or hurtful behaviour and we just wont accept it, why we ask! WHY!. That non-acceptance of what is, even if its hurtful, even if its crazy, even if its clearly a bad choice for the BPD, keeps us stuck.

The double edged sword of the child with the enquiring mind eh Jammo? I feel you brother!

[fromheeltoheal]

One of 2010's posts talks about the lonely child or the helpful child, something of this nature and our dance with the BPD. One of the things that really keeps us stuck (me included) is trying to work out why, why, why, to their hurtful, immature and sabotage behaviour. There was another great line this weekend from someone on the boards, something along the lines of, you can only forgive when you stop expecting a certain behaviour/outcome. I butchered it. It was nicer than that. I don't know why she did it, I don't know why my ex chooses such a painful and shameful life, but you know what... .at some point, and it takes time to reach it, you just gotta say... .cos they BPD and pay it no more mind than that.

It does help to understand the disorder but theres something very deep in many of us nons that wants answers, that cant understand disrespectful or hurtful behaviour and we just wont accept it, why we ask! WHY!. That non-acceptance of what is, even if its hurtful, even if its crazy, even if its clearly a bad choice for the BPD, keeps us stuck.

The double edged sword of the child with the enquiring mind eh Jammo? I feel you brother!

Yes Trog, those of us who are understanding-driven, for whom things need to make sense, can really be thrown for a loop when we get with a disordered person who lives in a radically different reality that will never make sense to us. 

The line was The act of forgiving is letting go of what you feel another owes you. and that really helps here, when we accept on an emotional level that our exes could never have given us what we want and need, so why make them owe it to us now?

The other piece that really helps is to learn about the clinical side of the disorder.  I thought I was literally going insane when I left her, but there are folks who have really figured out and documented the disorder, and learning what they've learned immediately made the lights go on for me; why she does what she does became crystal clear, that understanding I crave.