Saw a picture - trying to process

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just a quick recap - I've been NC since mid November.  I have blocked her phone number, facebook, etc.  E-mail is the only thing I've kept open as there are outstanding issues regarding our divorce.  I have not reached out nor have I heard from her since I told her to stop contacting me.  But to the point of the thread:

I saw a picture of her this morning on a friend's facebook page.  It wasn't really that great of a picture, it was just her with mutual friends of ours hanging out a party that we would have both been invited to.  I'm not really torn up about the latter, they're really our only group of mutual friends (her coworkers) so I understand and appreciate not getting the invite.  But what I wasn't expecting was my physical reaction to seeing the picture of her.  I know a lot of people have discussed seeing pictures of replacements and such but since I went NC and have stuck to it, this is the first time I'm really seeing her, whoever she is now.  I know that I've been replaced by a couple of guys from what friends have told me but I haven't seen it first hand.  But seeing the picture of her today really had an effect on me and I'm really bothered by how deeply just seeing her can cut.

When I saw her, I could feel my heart start to race, almost thumping out of my chest.  My palms and fingertips became sweaty and my hands were shaky trying to navigate away from my friend's facebook page.  It was as if seeing that one picture brought back every emotion I've felt over the last 3 months back to me in one intense wave.  It was suffocating.  I could feel something inside me trying to grasp air and pull me to safety.  I felt a scream boiling up inside me that I should have just let roar in my house but I repressed it (a theme with me, I think).  I had to get up and pace around my living room.  I had to try to calm myself down and tell myself to relax.  I found myself trying to distract myself - I've learned this is how I cope with uncomfortable emotions - by turning on the TV, taking my dog around the block, grabbing something from the fridge, reading, coming to these boards, etc.  Basically anything to get my mind off of the whatever it is that is causing me discomfort.  Then I get over it and move on.

But I think I'm finally self-aware enough to realize that this isn't the right course of action.  I need to deal with these emotions and feel as opposed to telling myself that I'm fine.  That I'm stronger than this.  That people need me and I don't have time to be emotional.  I'm struggling with how exactly to do that all of this but I'm considering it a win that I've gotten to this point. 

But what I'm a little upset with is how dramatic my reaction seems.  All of this for a photo?  It makes me wonder what the heck my reaction will be when we bump into one another?  I am glad, however, that the one thing I do not want after seeing the picture is her back in my life.  So I suppose some progress has been made.  But I'm disappointed in myself for this picture having such an effect.  I guess I'm not quite as far along as I had hoped. 

[billypilgrim]

Just a quick recap - I've been NC since mid November.  I have blocked her phone number, facebook, etc.  E-mail is the only thing I've kept open as there are outstanding issues regarding our divorce.  I have not reached out nor have I heard from her since I told her to stop contacting me.  But to the point of the thread:

I saw a picture of her this morning on a friend's facebook page.  It wasn't really that great of a picture, it was just her with mutual friends of ours hanging out a party that we would have both been invited to.  I'm not really torn up about the latter, they're really our only group of mutual friends (her coworkers) so I understand and appreciate not getting the invite.  But what I wasn't expecting was my physical reaction to seeing the picture of her.  I know a lot of people have discussed seeing pictures of replacements and such but since I went NC and have stuck to it, this is the first time I'm really seeing her, whoever she is now.  I know that I've been replaced by a couple of guys from what friends have told me but I haven't seen it first hand.  But seeing the picture of her today really had an effect on me and I'm really bothered by how deeply just seeing her can cut.

When I saw her, I could feel my heart start to race, almost thumping out of my chest.  My palms and fingertips became sweaty and my hands were shaky trying to navigate away from my friend's facebook page.  It was as if seeing that one picture brought back every emotion I've felt over the last 3 months back to me in one intense wave.  It was suffocating.  I could feel something inside me trying to grasp air and pull me to safety.  I felt a scream boiling up inside me that I should have just let roar in my house but I repressed it (a theme with me, I think).  I had to get up and pace around my living room.  I had to try to calm myself down and tell myself to relax.  I found myself trying to distract myself - I've learned this is how I cope with uncomfortable emotions - by turning on the TV, taking my dog around the block, grabbing something from the fridge, reading, coming to these boards, etc.  Basically anything to get my mind off of the whatever it is that is causing me discomfort.  Then I get over it and move on.

But I think I'm finally self-aware enough to realize that this isn't the right course of action.  I need to deal with these emotions and feel as opposed to telling myself that I'm fine.  That I'm stronger than this.  That people need me and I don't have time to be emotional.  I'm struggling with how exactly to do that all of this but I'm considering it a win that I've gotten to this point. 

But what I'm a little upset with is how dramatic my reaction seems.  All of this for a photo?  It makes me wonder what the heck my reaction will be when we bump into one another?  I am glad, however, that the one thing I do not want after seeing the picture is her back in my life.  So I suppose some progress has been made.  But I'm disappointed in myself for this picture having such an effect.  I guess I'm not quite as far along as I had hoped. 

[CloseToFreedom]

Well, to be honest, this is exactly why I keep visiting her social media channels and why I go to the same parties of mutual friends she is as well: to get used to it. This isn't that big of a town so I'm bound to bump into her, and as we share a lot of the same friends its just going to happen. Better to get used to it. I've seen a lot of pictures (selfies) from her where she looks more beautiful than she really is, and also pics of her with my replacement. Each and every new pic is a bit of panic in my head, sweaty palms like you said, but its the only way for me.

I think if I didn't do all that and I would see her for the first time in months suddenly, the reaction would be much bigger and more difficult.

[jhkbuzz]

Well, to be honest, this is exactly why I keep visiting her social media channels and why I go to the same parties of mutual friends she is as well: to get used to it. This isn't that big of a town so I'm bound to bump into her, and as we share a lot of the same friends its just going to happen. Better to get used to it. I've seen a lot of pictures (selfies) from her where she looks more beautiful than she really is, and also pics of her with my replacement. Each and every new pic is a bit of panic in my head, sweaty palms like you said, but its the only way for me.

I think if I didn't do all that and I would see her for the first time in months suddenly, the reaction would be much bigger and more difficult.

First off billypilgrim:  you had a "fight or flight" response, which I wouldn't consider abnormal at all. It's your body's recognition that this person is a danger to you.  Not a physical danger, perhaps, but definitely an emotional one.

As for your pain:  I do think you need to deal with your emotions - you can't just cover them up. What you may discover is that the intensity of emotions you're feeling towards her actually have very little to do with her, and much more to do with your unresolved childhood stuff.  At least that's what I'm beginning to discover. Although I sense that the journey is going to be painful, I suspect my healing will release me from whatever unhealthy bond I continue to feel with my exBPDgf - so I'm cautiously excited about it.

As for what ClosetoFreedom said, I actually agree and it's something I've done - in spite of the fact that most advice on the boards is to sever contact in every way, shape or form.  Although I've unfriended her on FB, I am still friends with her sisters - and so see the pictures they post from time to time.  These include pics of my exBPDgf and her replacement.  Hard to see?  Yes... .but it helps desensitize me (in case I do ever run into them), and it also helps me detach. Watching her move on so quickly after an 8 year r/s confirms the level of dysfunction that she is operating under.

[Infern0]

The first time I saw mine after the split/discard I actually felt physically sick, and for a couple of times after that I certainly got quite anxious,  with shortness of breath and elevated heart rate.

There was a time when I was absolutely scared to death of her,  which seems ridiculous but I think it was my body's way of reminding me what she's like.

[jhkbuzz]

The first time I saw mine after the split/discard I actually felt physically sick, and for a couple of times after that I certainly got quite anxious,  with shortness of breath and elevated heart rate.

There was a time when I was absolutely scared to death of her,  which seems ridiculous but I think it was my body's way of reminding me what she's like.

That's your body preparing you to RUN! 

[billypilgrim]

Well, to be honest, this is exactly why I keep visiting her social media channels and why I go to the same parties of mutual friends she is as well: to get used to it. This isn't that big of a town so I'm bound to bump into her, and as we share a lot of the same friends its just going to happen. Better to get used to it. I've seen a lot of pictures (selfies) from her where she looks more beautiful than she really is, and also pics of her with my replacement. Each and every new pic is a bit of panic in my head, sweaty palms like you said, but its the only way for me.

I think if I didn't do all that and I would see her for the first time in months suddenly, the reaction would be much bigger and more difficult.

First off billypilgrim:  you had a "fight or flight" response, which I wouldn't consider abnormal at all. It's your body's recognition that this person is a danger to you.  Not a physical danger, perhaps, but definitely an emotional one.

As for your pain:  I do think you need to deal with your emotions - you can't just cover them up. What you may discover is that the intensity of emotions you're feeling towards her actually have very little to do with her, and much more to do with your unresolved childhood stuff.  At least that's what I'm beginning to discover. Although I sense that the journey is going to be painful, I suspect my healing will release me from whatever unhealthy bond I continue to feel with my exBPDgf - so I'm cautiously excited about it.

As for what ClosetoFreedom said, I actually agree and it's something I've done - in spite of the fact that most advice on the boards is to sever contact in every way, shape or form.  Although I've unfriended her on FB, I am still friends with her sisters - and so see the pictures they post from time to time.  These include pics of my exBPDgf and her replacement.  Hard to see?  Yes... .but it helps desensitize me (in case I do ever run into them), and it also helps me detach. Watching her move on so quickly after an 8 year r/s confirms the level of dysfunction that she is operating under.

It was definitely a fight or flight response.  The reptilian brain kicking in to say look out.  I think what I am bothered by most is the fact that it had such an effect given the time that's passed and the progress that I have made.  I guess I expected too much too quickly and I feel like I've taken a couple of steps back today.  Seeing the picture took me back to the day she came to the house unannounced and left some paperwork propped against the door.  My flight or fight response kicked in that day as well as this was an unexpected visit and she also tried to use the keys to come in (I had changed the locks). 

I definitely think I covered up my emotions in the past.  I think that may have been a product of the r/s (probably something that went further back but was really drawn out in my r/s) - I couldn't have needs and make things work.  At least that was how I thought about things, whether that's rational or irrational is a different discussion.  But you are right about needing to feel the pain.  I need to experience more of the hurt that I felt so early on.  And you are also right about the childhood stuff.  That's where my issues stem from - I grew up with an alcoholic NPD grandfather.  But I've known that my issues stem from that for a while now but I'm having trouble accepting it and dealing with it.  It's like I don't believe it.  And it's not even that I don't want to not believe it.   I just can't get to the feeling it part. 

[jhkbuzz]

I definitely think I covered up my emotions in the past. I think that may have been a product of the r/s (probably something that went further back but was really drawn out in my r/s) - I couldn't have needs and make things work.  At least that was how I thought about things, whether that's rational or irrational is a different discussion.  But you are right about needing to feel the pain.  I need to experience more of the hurt that I felt so early on.  And you are also right about the childhood stuff.  That's where my issues stem from - I grew up with an alcoholic NPD grandfather.  But I've known that my issues stem from that for a while now but I'm having trouble accepting it and dealing with it.  It's like I don't believe it.  And it's not even that I don't want to not believe it.   I just can't get to the feeling it part. 

My T and I have had loong conversations about this. When I feel as though I'm not "moving on" from the r/s quickly enough she likes to remind me of what a mess I was when I first started seeing her 5 months ago (and those are my words, not hers! )  I couldn't identify or articulate ANY of my needs when I first started seeing her... .I had stuffed them down so far while I was in 'crisis and control' mode that I couldn't even identify what they were anymore.  REALLY unhealthy.  But that's one of the side effects of living with a disordered person.

[downwhim]

Today I bought the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and it states that we need to feel these feelings and not stuff them to heal. It also talks about abandonment stemming from childhood losses. We need to take action against the loss of past and present and actually feel these feelings so they can be released.

I also read several chapters in Borderline for Dummies. It talks about how to recognize and also leave a borderline. As I thought, the silent treatment is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse as it nullifies trust and intimacy. Very painful.

Two good books... . 

[letmeout]

Today I bought the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and it states that we need to feel these feelings and not stuff them to heal.

I felt lucky that my ex kept all 35 years of our photo albums (my punishment for abandoning him I guess) so I haven't had to look at pictures of him. Has it helped me? I think so! At least I don't have to stuff down all of my emotions like I had to when we were together. 

[billypilgrim]

I couldn't identify or articulate ANY of my needs when I first started seeing her... .I had stuffed them down so far while I was in 'crisis and control' mode that I couldn't even identify what they were anymore.  REALLY unhealthy.  But that's one of the side effects of living with a disordered person.

It's funny, in a dark sort of way, but that's exactly the assignment I was given last week by my T.  When she asked me what my needs, I couldn't give her answer.  I was like food? Shelter?  Income?  I was half joking at the time but that's really all that came to mind.  That's definitely something I need to work on, though I have certainly figured out what I don't need - relationships with PD people. 

[jhkbuzz]

I couldn't identify or articulate ANY of my needs when I first started seeing her... .I had stuffed them down so far while I was in 'crisis and control' mode that I couldn't even identify what they were anymore.  REALLY unhealthy.  But that's one of the side effects of living with a disordered person.

It's funny, in a dark sort of way, but that's exactly the assignment I was given last week by my T.  When she asked me what my needs, I couldn't give her answer.  I was like food? Shelter?  Income?  I was half joking at the time but that's really all that came to mind.  That's definitely something I need to work on, though I have certainly figured out what I don't need - relationships with PD people. 

I was actually flabbergasted at some of the questions she asked at the beginning - I was that far out of touch with what I needed.  She quickly helped me get my voice back, though - it didn't take long.

[enlighten me]

Its a perfectly natural reaction.

what you have to realise is that you were in an abusive relationship and came face to face with your abuser.

It took me a while to realise I was a victim of abuse and what I was  feeling was a reaction to it.

[jhkbuzz]

Its a perfectly natural reaction.

what you have to realise is that you were in an abusive relationship and came face to face with your abuser.

It took me a while to realise I was a victim of abuse and what I was  feeling was a reaction to it.

I've been thinking about this more... .and have been doing some reading about emotional abuse.

[enlighten me]

For years I would read about victims of abuse and how attached they were yo their abuser and think why on earth would you want to have anything to do with them.

After ther relationship with my exgf I can see why but still dont really understand it.

[peace_seeker]

Well, to be honest, this is exactly why I keep visiting her social media channels and why I go to the same parties of mutual friends she is as well: to get used to it. This isn't that big of a town so I'm bound to bump into her, and as we share a lot of the same friends its just going to happen. Better to get used to it. I've seen a lot of pictures (selfies) from her where she looks more beautiful than she really is, and also pics of her with my replacement. Each and every new pic is a bit of panic in my head, sweaty palms like you said, but its the only way for me.

I think if I didn't do all that and I would see her for the first time in months suddenly, the reaction would be much bigger and more difficult.

ClosedtToFreedom, sometimes I feel the same way as u. But Im not sure if im using this as an excuse for me to just keep getting my addiction on him fixed, n still trying to keep him in my life in my own way... .and today, I saw one of me and my ex's common female fren posting an emo status on FB. Since my ex already blocked me on FB, I wouldn't be able to see any of his comment on her status but I'm sure he did because she replied to his name w the content "haven't have social life for v long", and next reply something along the line that "i'll need more than a couple of martinis". Seems like he's prob asking her our on a date. It sucks. The reality of how "single" he is finally hits me now.

And billipilgrim, i totally feel how u feel abt the heart beat racing and etc. This sucks. I feel like (but I won't) texting him to scold him for letting me down. For dumping me, for accusing me of destroying his life, for making me worry abt him,  yet he's out there enjoying life. Yes, maybe tats his way of coping & he has every single right to date now since it has been 3 months since BU. But tonight, I just don't feel like forgiving him for the hurt and misery he put me through.

Guys, this reality sucks