What To Do About The Random Stuff She Left?

[InATimeLapse]

Our last interaction consisted of: me going to lunch with friends and coming back to find her and nearly all of her stuff gone, calling and texting like hell in an attempt talk her back from the ledge so to speak, when that failed I drove more than 3 hours to her parents house to try to work things out (probably not the best move to make on my part since it was midnight by the time I got there, but I just lost who I believed was the love of my life and I was scared she was suicidal or something, so there's a little room for error on my part here), I drove back-and-forth between both her parents houses trying to figure out which one she was in and when I came back to her Mom's house I see cops in the driveway, turn around, and start heading home.  Minutes later I have the police call my cell phone telling me that she doesn't want me to contact her in any way, no text messages, voice mails, email, nothing.  I said I would respect her wishes and I have. 

The fact that she had the police tell me these things instead of sending me a text message, email, 20 second phone call, homing pigeon or something, quite frankly, absolutely blew ANY chance for reconciliation at any point in the future.  The fact that she asked the police to do this, and thus have it noted in some police log somewhere as a first warning one step away from a restraining order or some other dramatic crap that I absolutely do not deserve (and especially after all of the ways I emotionally and in many ways financially took care of her over the course of our 9 months together), this lunatic behavior has sealed the fate forever - and she has lost the most supportive, loving, and loyal person she has ever had. 

I do not hate her, I'm not even angry with her; if anything, I'm still really hurt that she treated me the ways that she did, that she knew how much love and loyalty I was giving and how incredibly hard I was trying to have a stable, happy relationship with her yet she still kept stomping on my heart and then getting defensive and playing the victim whenever I reacted to it.  I still love her.  And a part of me wishes desperately that there was some way for things to work out.  But I have to face reality, that she did not behave in ways the were trustworthy and as a result nothing she could ever say to me can be trusted. 

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

So anyway... .It's been more than 5 weeks NC.  There are boxes of random stuff she left at my place, as well as a bicycle.  It's all sitting in my garage under blankets so I don't have to look at them.  She will certainly want at least her bike back by the time summer rolls around, but that means I'll be storing her stuff in my space in the meantime. 

So what do I do?  I can't contact her, even for the logistical purposes of giving her the rest of her stuff back.  Do I seriously need to hold on to this stuff until the day comes that she decides to contact me?  Because that's bull----.  I'm actually considering throwing it all in the trash.  I mean, it's been more than a month so I guess I can consider it abandoned. 

At the same time I don't want to do anything mean or hurtful.  It's so incredibly difficult to keep in perspective that she is ill and is trying to get better (I think... .I mean I don't really know for sure that she's even in therapy), and that she tried her best to have a good relationship with me (I think... .because if she were serious about it then she would have been trying to work with me instead of doing a disappearing act), and that she probably hasn't contacted me because it would hurt too much to talk to me (I think... .because for all I know she's trying to recycle a relationship with her ex or running into the arms of some other guy).  My mind is still in a whirlwind.  I don't know what to believe. 

I'm still healing.  And I'm still so hurt.  I tried soo hard to be a good boyfriend, lover, and companion for her.  I know I said and did some things near the end that I shouldn't have said or done.  But damn, considering all the things she said to me that destroyed the kind and giving person I was (and now am again!) and how much I was pushed to my limits, you'd think there would be some perspective on her part... .that, you know, I don't deserve to have the f-ing cops called on me for trying to salvage our relationship. 

I wonder if some day she will realize exactly how much Strength of character and how much Heart it took to continue loving her and trying my best to be a great Leader for her to follow, all while dealing with the sundry ways she was passive-aggressively destroying my spirit and never, ever being transparent and honest about that passive-aggression and apologizing for whatever damage it caused. 

All things considered, I was a damn good partner to her.  But what am I going to do now with her stuff sitting in my garage?

[jhkbuzz]

It sounds like you have been to hell and back with this woman... .I'm so sorry for your pain.  Everyone on these boards can relate to the terrible wounds that a relationship with a pwBPD leaves on the non-disordered partner.  It's really, really rough.

I agree that you shouldn't have to store her stuff indefinitely.  Is there a neutral friend that you could communicate through?  Perhaps agree to a time that you would put her stuff on the driveway and NOT be there when she comes by?  My guess is that she would rather abandon her stuff than face you at the moment... .this appears to be a reoccurring theme for many on this board.

Take care of yourself.

[JRT]

Mine left a bunch of stuff... .on earlier recycles, she had done the same and used it as a 'legitimate' and face saving reason to contact me; to wrap up 'unfinished business'. Many on an post of mine about this felt that ti was a life line back to me.

Making a long story short, on e of her GF's contacted me and asked for me to return the stuff to her and she would send it along. My offer was that my ex and my ex only could pick it up along with providing an explanation as to why she had done what she had done or I will throw out the property. Guess what? She didn't... .so great is her shame that she is willing to not face me at the expense of some really valuable property.  (I never would throw it away and didn't ... .maybe she knows that)

My ex needs time to heal... .I NEED for her to face me. It might never happen, but it REALLY will not happen now if she is willing to pay for it in the way she demonstrated. Yours might need some more time as well. If it is not any skin off of your nose, put it in some corner and hang onto it if its not obtrusive. You will regret it if you discarded it.