Perhaps it's time for me to forgive her

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was just thinking about how emotionally immature my exBPDgf is (no insult intended, it's just the truth) and how terrible the story of her life has been in many ways ... .and how, when I look back on our r/s, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that at many points I was, for her, a surrogate parent. I also started thinking about difficult is was to be in a r/s with a woman/child who really wasn't able to meet any of my needs for a reciprocal, healthy, sexual, intimate, adult relationship.

As I sat and considered all of this... .a thought popped into my head:

She couldn't give me what she didn't have within her to give.  Perhaps it's time for me to forgive her for that.

[jhkbuzz]

I was just thinking about how emotionally immature my exBPDgf is (no insult intended, it's just the truth) and how terrible the story of her life has been in many ways ... .and how, when I look back on our r/s, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that at many points I was, for her, a surrogate parent. I also started thinking about difficult is was to be in a r/s with a woman/child who really wasn't able to meet any of my needs for a reciprocal, healthy, sexual, intimate, adult relationship.

As I sat and considered all of this... .a thought popped into my head:

She couldn't give me what she didn't have within her to give.  Perhaps it's time for me to forgive her for that.

[ruth4477]

Forgive her but don't forget. Something drew you to her in the first place just make sure that next time you don't get drawn in to the neediness of another person. There is a good poem by Veronica Shoffstall  called after a while.  I find that this helps me when I am feeling unsure of things

After A While

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while, you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today                                         

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.

And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.

After a while, you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure... .

That you really are strong.

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn... .

With every goodbye you learn.


Hope this helps. I have forgiven but I will never forget the torment I was put through for trying to love and care for my ex BPD. My roller coaster only stopped when I left and even now because we have a child together he still tries to control me.  But I have learnt a lot from this website and some good literature along the way. I thank him for setting me down the path I am walking today. I believe that everything we do has a reason. Sometimes it just isn't apparent straight away. Good luck

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you ruth4477... .I haven't read that poem in years.  Re-reading it today (in light of my r/s) gives it an entirely new meaning.

I'm not forgetting... .I'm trying to let go.  Forgetting would be impossible; re-engaging would be equally impossible.  But in order to let go I have to forgive - to "let go of what I feel she owes me" (as fromhealtoheal so eloquently posted)... .because as long as I am holding on to the anger, or the angst, or the sadness or the (insert your emotion here), I won't be able to let go.

I'm slowly realizing that nothing good can come from endlessly grieving over what she was incapable of giving me in our r/s (healthy intimacy, honesty, adult communication, etc.).  I do believe that she loved me enough that she would have given it to me if she had it to give.  But she didn't.

It's time to let go; to release myself and to release her. It's time for me to focus on that goal.

[Tibbles]

Nicely put  jhkbuzz .  I truly believe my ex gave all he could. He just could not give when he felt so threatened and just could not stop to regulate his emotions and responses. He did not ask to be ill. That is simply what he is.

As you said - It's time to release myself and to release him. Great statement.

[paperlung]

I was just thinking about how emotionally immature my exBPDgf is (no insult intended, it's just the truth) and how terrible the story of her life has been in many ways ... .and how, when I look back on our r/s, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that at many points I was, for her, a surrogate parent. I also started thinking about difficult is was to be in a r/s with a woman/child who really wasn't able to meet any of my needs for a reciprocal, healthy, sexual, intimate, adult relationship.

As I sat and considered all of this... .a thought popped into my head:

She couldn't give me what she didn't have within her to give.  Perhaps it's time for me to forgive her for that.

So what you're saying is you felt more like a parent/caretaker than a boyfriend? Because that is how I felt with my ex. She was extremely needy/clingy, and would never do anything on her own unless I was with her. A good, healthy relationship is give and take from both sides, but ex did nothing but take from me. I honestly got nothing out of the relationship besides companionship and sex. It was not a happy relationship.

[jhkbuzz]

I was just thinking about how emotionally immature my exBPDgf is (no insult intended, it's just the truth) and how terrible the story of her life has been in many ways ... .and how, when I look back on our r/s, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that at many points I was, for her, a surrogate parent. I also started thinking about difficult is was to be in a r/s with a woman/child who really wasn't able to meet any of my needs for a reciprocal, healthy, sexual, intimate, adult relationship.

As I sat and considered all of this... .a thought popped into my head:

She couldn't give me what she didn't have within her to give.  Perhaps it's time for me to forgive her for that.

So what you're saying is you felt more like a parent/caretaker than a boyfriend? Because that is how I felt with my ex. She was extremely needy/clingy, and would never do anything on her own unless I was with her. A good, healthy relationship is give and take from both sides, but ex did nothing but take from me. I honestly got nothing out of the relationship besides companionship and sex. It was not a happy relationship.

Yes, that's exactly it - especially in the first several years of our r/s - she was very needy/clingy. And during those years she spent so much time trying to mold herself into what she thought I wanted that she neglected her own needs and her resentment built... .that's when the lying and infidelity started.  But there was still the element of needing me as a caretaker/parent... .it was very confusing.  As I said in another post, I became aware over time that her "love" was immature and need based (rather than I healthy, adult, reciprocal love) and it made me uneasy but I could never put my figure on why I felt uneasy. I've come to understand now.

I can't say that parts of our r/s weren't enjoyable... .they were.  The dynamic was unhealthy, though... .and unsustainable over time.

[downwhim]

Thank you for the poem. I too have not heard it in years and now makes so much sense. We are responsible for our own choices in life. Disordered or not when it is time to let go, it is time. They did way before us as it is easy for them to detach.

[Rise]

I'm slowly realizing that nothing good can come from endlessly grieving over what she was incapable of giving me in our r/s (healthy intimacy, honesty, adult communication, etc.).  I do believe that she loved me enough that she would have given it to me if she had it to give.  But she didn't.

It's time to let go; to release myself and to release her. It's time for me to focus on that goal.

This is a huge step forward buzz. Anger has its own place and time, but once its purpose has been served, it can keep us from moving forward. With acceptance comes freedom. Letting go frees us. It lets us move on in our lives without being tethered to the past. Congrats and coming to this realization.

[milo1967]

"I will never forget the torment I was put through for trying to love and care for my ex BPD. My roller coaster only stopped when I left and even now because we have a child together he still tries to control me."

This is where I am at as well, emotionally. I harbor terrible anger and pain at my XW for the hell she put me and our children through. But I do not want to hold onto my anger forever. It is exhausting and debilitating and slows my healing. I hope to someday forgive but it is hard when she continues to be horrible to me. Yet I tell myself, "It's the disorder, it's the disorder, it's not personal... ." But it is such a struggle.

[Perfidy]

Buzz, I'm going to be as clear as I can. When blame is present, it's endless. In order to forgive blame can't be present. When blame doesn't exist, forgiveness can flourish. Who is to blame?

[fromheeltoheal]

The act of forgiving is letting go of what you feel another owes you.

[eyvindr]

Such good and true insights in this thread. Thanks everyone for sharing.

Remember -- forgiveness is for you, not them.

[raisins3142]

Frankly, I think forgiveness is overrated.

If it only means to accept what happened and move on and don't obsess, which is all that I think is required to regain health, then I don't think that actually fits the definition of forgiveness.

I think it is just a pop psych shorthand.

Actual forgiveness might help you to move on but I don't think it is required.

I don't forgive some of my other exes and I'm fine with them now as far as not thinking of them or being influenced by them.

[Rise]

If it only means to accept what happened and move on and don't obsess, which is all that I think is required to regain health, then I don't think that actually fits the definition of forgiveness.

I think it is just a pop psych shorthand.

Raisins, I don't think you're all that far off. I know that when I say "forgiveness" I mean accepting what's happened, and letting go of the anger, pain, resentment, etc. that we feel towards someone. But to me, that's sort of what forgiveness is. I hope you don't mind me asking, but what does forgiveness mean to you?

-Rise

[SlyQQ]

if forgiveness is learning from your mistakes an not blaming others for it yes if its let bygones be bygones no

[jhkbuzz]

Buzz, I'm going to be as clear as I can. When blame is present, it's endless. In order to forgive blame can't be present. When blame doesn't exist, forgiveness can flourish. Who is to blame?

This is what I'm beginning to process, and not everyone may be at this point, so bear with me:

When I look at the BEHAVIORS of each of us in the r/s, hers were definitely more "over the top" (overly submissive, childlike, needy and clinging when we first moved in together; lying and infidelity as she became unhappy in the r/s) - behaviors that, ultimately, resulted in the demise of the r/s.  You can't have a healthy, adult r/s when one partner morphs into a child (which is what happened after we moved in together), and you certainly can't have a healthy adult (committed) r/s in the absence of honesty and faithfulness.  So I do think that her BEHAVIOR contributed a lions share to the end of our r/s.

However, when I look at the "dance" of our r/s - the emotional and intimate interplay between the two of us, I think that our individual dysfunctions interacted in a way that was really unhealthy - and that INTERPLAY contributed to the demise of the r/s. Is she even capable of a healthy adult r/s in the face of her BPD? Perhaps not. But I REACTED to her disorder as well - I became overly dominant, I accepted her child-like behavior when I shouldn't have - I was happy to be the "responsible adult" for a long time when I should have refused to play that role. That imbalance of power in the r/s wasn't good for either one of us.

Some of you will probably misunderstand this post - you will think I'm beating myself up (I'm not) or am failing to see her BPD as a major contributing factor to the end of the r/s (I do).  But the truth is that life is full of shades of gray... .the shades of gray that our BPD partners are unable to see.  In the beginning of my grieving process, and especially in my pain and anger, EVERYTHING WAS HER FAULT!  YES, IT WAS THAT BLACK AND WHITE! But as I move through the stages of grief I'm beginning to see the shades of gray... .my mistakes, my "dysfunctions."  Perhaps mine are not as severe as hers, but I still need to own them, to acknowledge them, to heal them - before I move on into a new r/s.  If I don't do that I am afraid (god help me) that I might end up in another equally dysfunctional r/s.

[eyvindr]

jhkbuzz --

Well said, man. It takes two to tango. All we can do is out best, and that should include taking responsibility for our own choices and behaviors. 

[clydegriffith]

I will never forgive and wish nothing but the worse for her. However, i have to try to do my best to be cordial as we have a child together.

[eyvindr]

Hi clydegriffith,

It isn't easy, I know. After my divorce, and for years afterwards, I felt exactly the same way towards my ex-wife as you do. I didn't think I'd ever feel differently, either.

But I do now. And I didn't forgive her in a sense of "I cleanse you of your transgressions" -- I don't have that power anyway. It's more like you reach a point where you decide that any mental or emotional energy that you contribute to thinking about her is just a waste, and you have better things to do with your thoughts, your brain, your time and your life.

It just took time. I began to focus on myself, and over time, the hurt faded, and eventually she just didn't have any impact on my life, aside from her ongoing impact that she had on my son. But I honestly can say that I can think about her now and feel nothing. Just neutral.

Hang in there.