Incarcerated BPD spouse continued

[Bbuilder]

"Hi, & thank you so much for all your help ! You have no idea what this means to me ! I do not have the ability to read the screen (sorry), if you are talking about lessons on the board about communicating with someone who has BPD, yes, I have tried some of the methods, & yes, sometimes, however, not very often have they worked... .! She is funny in the way that sometimes when she is hurt & she knows she did something wrong & I maintain my composure she is very calm & says " you are so right I don't deserve you & I think it is best you move on with your life", to which I very calmly reply, "ok, I agree, I will have my lawyer contact you to start the divorce proceedings"... .she then in a super calm state says ok, & we hang up ! The very next day I call & say how are you doing ? And, she breaks down crying ... .saying I'm sorry ... .& I am sure you know the drill as well as I do ! She is perfectly fine with the fact that my nephew cant stand her ... .she thinks it is all smoke & mirrors ! I am not sure at this juncture what she exactly thinks or believes on that avenue, which is why I am emailing here looking for assistance !

Yes, I am incarcerated at this very moment !

She really took it hard when I turned myself in & that coupled with the fact her son was taken from her, she had lost me ... the only 2 people in the entire world who she knew truly loved her are now gone... .then, like a tsunami she started to change radically... .she started hitting on my friends... .saying stupid things to some of my other friends, claim she was being watched by her old bf, heard voices, just separating at the seams... .you name it she was displaying all most of the 9 criterion in DSM V ... .so, I think that when I got locked up it increased her problem, based on the fact that everyone in her life was/has abandoned her... .which, if I am correct is the #1 fear all BPD's suffer from... .! Please don't get me wrong she exhibited all the signs before. Just now they were far more pronounced & way more visible. Plus, up until my incarceration I had no idea about BPD ... .I originally thought she was schizophrenic/paranoid... .but, after reading & researching (thank God I have the greatest brother in the world for his tireless aid & assistance in sending me books & internet info on this disease... .she is a txt book example. Plus she has OCD,& earlier in her life she was also diagnosed with ADHD... .believe me this hasnt been easy for me, cause at the onset I thought she was just overly critical... .I never stopped 1 minute to put 2+ 2 together... .plus, she also, exhibited many other signs... .I just want to say this... .through all the headaches, & BS I love a good old fashion challenge... .& I know there are many people out there that are saying ... ."hey, with, is wrong with you

do you know what she did this time or that time & I do not feel the need to explain myself to anybody. my brother just became aware of what is going on with her ! I would bet the house that he would be one of the first people to admit that through all her faults and idiosyncrasies that she is worth the heartaches, hurt, & grief... .cause like I was fortunate enough to have read in here by 1 BPD was that the 1 thing in life that makes life worth living is to be able to feel love... .and I know

in my heart that she has felt my love & truly knows what it is like to be genuinely loved by someone... .by her own admission I am the first person other than her son that she has ever felt true love from ! I truly want to believe that... !

I also, want to state for the record that patience & the applications of much of the reading in this site has taught me how to deal with her ... .sometimes for the good... .sometimes for the not so good, but, those times were my fault... .!

I am also old fashioned in the sense that when I took the vows of marriage the words "in sickness & in health, in good times & bad" literally mean something to me & if I apply the teachings of M. Linehan in how to live in Radical Acceptance for family members, is a blessing beyond the definition of "blessing", I love her teaching & approach & would love to know how I can get more help online to be able to learn more about "radical acceptance" & how I can apply to my own mental stability I would appreciate that very much ... .!

To the person who is kind enough to reply and offer help I send you my most heartfelt gratitude, you are an angel & I thank you everyday in my prayers ... .thank you ... .thank you ... .thank you ! My marriage will be worth saving as long as I have people like you to guide me through the murky waters ! May God always be with you !"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bobcat2014]

Bbuilder,

I am very sorry to hear what you have and what you still are going through. I make no judgements about your situation.

Please know you are not alone with dealing with your wifes BPD. They can push all the right buttons to get what they want. With that said, your situation is not suprising.

You are a bodybuilder? I also train and plan to compete in an NPC show at somepoint.

If you need to talk or want my advice feel free to email me.

Take care,

Bobcat2014

[SlyQQ]

Hi bb dont know your situation my ex was also an ex stripper an also pretty on the far bounds of BPD as i suspect your p is what i found is that if you go by intuition you end up doing the wrong thing ( though often EVERYTHING is the wrong thing ) it is possible you should say something like go with my nephew if you want ( hopefully from what you are saying he will spurn her ) an we will see what will happens when i get out. ( this will spur abandoment fears from you an also possibly from being rejected by your nephew ( which is probably aimed to hurt you on some level anyway ) Bottom line they will only stay with someone longterm if they know that person is fine with them leaving ( strange but true ) in the end they will leave anyway hope this gives you something to think on this is BY NO MEANS gauranteed to work an people even BPD are different but consider the gist of what i have said

[Bbuilder]

Bbuilder,

I am very sorry to hear what you have and what you still are going through. I make no judgements about your situation.

Please know you are not alone with dealing with your wifes BPD. They can push all the right buttons to get what they want. With that said, your situation is not suprising.

You are a bodybuilder? I also train and plan to compete in an NPC show at somepoint.

If you need to talk or want my advice feel free to email me.

Take care,

Bobcat2014

"Bobcat, I want to thank you for taking the time out to respond, this is by far & away worse than any contest prep that anyone can go through... .; ) ... .I am not seeking judgement, however, what I am seeking is some type of support from other members on how they deal with there significant others & there impulsive behaviors... .I know my situation is unique because of where I am at & please know that the cheating would not be going on if I had my freedom. What I am trying to find out from other members is that if they have the same situation with their spouse or partner & how they went about dealing with the problem of impulsive behavior ( namely infidelity ), also, at this point I would like to point out, ( I know this to be true from empirical evidence), that if I was to tell her that I wanted to be with or see another woman to have sex with them that she would go absolutely ballistic. Would & could someone please explain this type of behavior to me? Why is it fine for them but, not cool for me... .?

Also, I am trying to put together the whole "being in love w/my nephew thing", please from a psychological standpoint what does that all mean. Does she really love someone who cannot stand her ? Or is it the fact that she cannot stand how close my nephew is/was to me ? This is quite the conundrum that defies description in my mind... .she wont say anything about him for quite a few months then all of a sudden out of the thin air she will bring him up ! Don't get it !

Yes, I am a bodybuilder, but, I am more retired now & mostly do contest prep for most of the major named pros & high level amateurs... .been doing contest prep right now for about the last 6-7 years... .I have been doing bodybuilding for many years & the sport is a passion of mine before anything else... .if you ever need help please feel free to ask. However, I believe that this is not the place to do it !

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to respond to my inquiries & pleas for assistance ! Have a blessed day !"

[Bbuilder]

Hi bb dont know your situation my ex was also an ex stripper

an also pretty on the far bounds of BPD as i suspect your p

is what i found is that if you go by intuition you end up doing the wrong thing

( though often EVERYTHING is the wrong thing ) it is possible

you should say something like go with my nephew if you want

( hopefully from what you are saying he will spurn her ) an we will see

what will happens when i get out.

( this will spur abandoment fears from you an also possibly from being rejected

by your nephew ( which is probably aimed to hurt you on some level anyway )

Bottom line they will only stay with someone longterm if they know that

person is fine with them leaving ( strange but true ) in the end they will leave anyway

hope this gives you something to think on this is BY NO MEANS gauranteed to

work an people even BPD are different but consider the gist of what i have said

"In response to your reply, which I found very interesting. I couldnt agree more with what you said on the intuition aspect of your reply... .what I believe is that I have a tendency to listen to my inner voice telling this, that, & the other, most of it is negative stuff ... .which I am sure we all have gone through at one time or another, ( at least i hope so ! ), and I am guilty of being extremely impulsive as I have been most of my life, henceforth my constant knee-jerk reactions to just about everything. I have had to learn to tame things down on that level. I react without thinking things through in a rational fashion, then I let my emotions (ego-based ), take over, then I imagine the worst case scenario & start to flip out... .believe me being incarcerated is bad enough when all you have is 24hrs a day to think ! And most thoughts are in the negative capacity to begin with... .so, I add a lot of fuel to the fire... .would she be stripping if I was out there... .Hell No ! Would she be messing with other guys if I was out there ... .? Hell No !

The issue regarding my nephew is I have told her to go be with him if she wants, I told her I have no problem with that (knowing full well how he has always felt about her, he wouldnt through a bucket of water on her if she was lying at his feet on fire), he truly despises & loathes her... .for some reason & I do not know why she wants to bring him up I believe out of pure drama... .! He has already spurned her & me for that matter ... .he changed his phone numbers, ... actually moved & wont go within 50 miles of her ... .Again, i cannot figure this out for the life of me... .So, what I am gathering from you is that my days are numbered with her & I better brace myself for the inevitable ? Like she will be leaving anyways, so, just cut your losses & move on ? Is that the gist of everything you are trying to tell me ? Thank you for your honesty & help... .I truly appreciate your input ! Have a great day brother !"

[Bbuilder]

Hi bb dont know your situation my ex was also an ex stripper

an also pretty on the far bounds of BPD as i suspect your p

is what i found is that if you go by intuition you end up doing the wrong thing

( though often EVERYTHING is the wrong thing ) it is possible

you should say something like go with my nephew if you want

( hopefully from what you are saying he will spurn her ) an we will see

what will happens when i get out.

( this will spur abandoment fears from you an also possibly from being rejected

by your nephew ( which is probably aimed to hurt you on some level anyway )

Bottom line they will only stay with someone longterm if they know that

person is fine with them leaving ( strange but true ) in the end they will leave anyway

hope this gives you something to think on this is BY NO MEANS gauranteed to

work an people even BPD are different but consider the gist of what i have said

"Hey Y, quick question, something I found interesting in your email after I re-read it again, at the bottom of the email you say that to give them a long leash (for lack of a better term), & tell them up front you are ok with them leaving, cause when you tell them it is ok to leave then, they will stay ? Really ? I will say this she tells me all the time when she is in one of her rages that she wants me to know that as long as I am locked up we are technically not in a relationship, cause as she puts it she is busy " finding herself & trying to iron out all her quirks & problems" , she has admitted to me as late as yesterday that she knows she has problems & she is trying to work on making herself a better person... .not sure I believe that ... .but, I am at the stage where I really do not believe anything she says !

Please does anybody else have help & can I get an opinion on what y#2 commented on... .does everyone out there believe I am doomed ?

Thank you... .bbuilder ! "

[SlyQQ]

Hi Bb one of the reasons I replied to your post was because you mentioned your P was a stripper an despite the statistics indicting upwards of 50% of strippers are BPD you are the only person I have seen on this site mention this., I will tell you about my expieriences which i hope might help in small bites because there is a lot there an i also guess you are in no rush. one of the primary things to understand is that many BPD are able to dis associate themselves this is one of the early defense mechanisms they learn to protect themselves from ever being hurt again like they have been hurt in the past an though they can commit to a relationship if they see or even percieve the need they can tutn it off almost like a tap, this unlike you an me lets them view things from outside the reaationship an make decisions (almost like they have no feelings for you at all ) accordingly My steo daughter who is even more BPD than her Mum ( an i now care for ) when i was explaing to her $ were short an i would have to cut her pocket money said thats not fair ( suprise ) why should i have to pay , your the provider! that was the roll I was cast in at that stage This ability to be able to assess people on what they can do for them now! might be even more pronounced in strippers I will leave it at that for the time if what i am saying makes sense There is a mountain more I can tell you but I am sure that is enogh to think on for the time. luck  this is quote from M Linehan an gives you a perspective on dissassociation where she is watching what she is doing from the outside an is quite aware even though she has become completelt dysregulated on the surface

“My whole experience of these episodes was that someone else was doing it; it was like ‘I know this is coming, I’m out of control, somebody help me; where are you, God?’ ” she said. “I felt totally empty, like the Tin Man; I had no way to communicate what was going on, no way to understand it.” 

[SlyQQ]

Hi Bb the reason i mentioned dissacosiation first was because the condition is extremely prevelant with regards to strippers ( 35 % ) an my guess of those with BPD are really high % can dissocate or if not use hard drugs to do so, this is something you have to work out if it applies to you because it is a key part of what you have to deal with an so you can act wisely. I noticed you said I am doomed instead of we if you are sensible you wont be doomed but you have to be realistic good luck

[Bbuilder]

Hi Bb the reason i mentioned dissacosiation first was because

the condition is extremely prevelant with regards to strippers

( 35 % ) an my guess of those with BPD are really high % can dissocate

or if not use hard drugs to do so, this is something you have to work

out if it applies to you because it is a key part of what you have to deal with

an so you can act wisely. I noticed you said I am doomed

instead of we if you are sensible you wont be doomed but you have to be realistic good luck

"WOW... .! Thank you again, for all your help & complete honesty... .I see you fall in the category of "Been there, done that", ... .with that being said, yes, she dissociates in the blink of an eye ! I was with het one time when I saw 4 different & unique personalities come out of her. ! Sad, but, true nontheless... .! I am trying to work thru everything on a day by day basis, considering my current predicament I am saddled with the fact that all you can seriously do from in here iis think 24hrs a day ! And, so if 1 cannot learn how to mange their emotions then you can well imagine where your thoughts take you ! I am curious, I would like to learn a lot more of what you have to offer, there was one person who initially was trying to help when I originally posted this but, unfortunately it seems as if they have sadly fallen off from responding any further... .I am finally starting to understand the nature of this disease, I have even spoke to a trained professional where I am at... .& when I told them she has BPD, well, I might as well have told her she has inoperable Brain cancer, seriously, she had a look on her face that screamed, start getting your house in order, she said that BPD is one of the most horrifying mental illnesses out there... .Are you aware that 65-70% of all strippers were molested before they were 10yr old !

We had an argument the other nite & I waited a few days to call so she could calm down, she literally had no recollection of the words she had, & this isnt the first time that that has happened... .But, on the other hand a lot of her current behavior

wouldnt be going on if I was out there... .

So, am I to gather that there need for intimacy or what ever is an act of impulsiveness that is triggered by the feeling of being empty, helples, & hopeless... .I know when they took her kid that she completely unraveled (and rightfully so, even the most "normal" mother would have lost it ), it's funny how she cannot display any type of emotions to me, it's like if she validates my feelings in any way then, she will turn around & do something to try & negate them an hour later or a day later,

So, plz I beg of you to give me more info, I cannot express my gratitude & please relate to me what happened to you & what she triggered in you to finally figure out she had BPD ! And, you are absolutely correct, she can dissociate with the best of them... .it's funny that when I spoke to her on Mon she said to me that when I met her she wasnt stable & needed help, from what I gathered she was on meds, (Wellbutrin, & a series of other drugs that she was reaping all the bad side effects from ), she eventually got off & that was when we met ! I know she can & has drink like a fish & when she does she is completely horrifying to be around... .I shutter to tell you a story of what happened one time when she was drunk & that happened the day of my fathers funeral... .this story is beyond anything you will have heard, she completely dissociated that day & I have no idea why !

Plz continue your help... .I so need it !"

[Bbuilder]

Hi Bb the reason i mentioned dissacosiation first was because

the condition is extremely prevelant with regards to strippers

( 35 % ) an my guess of those with BPD are really high % can dissocate

or if not use hard drugs to do so, this is something you have to work

out if it applies to you because it is a key part of what you have to deal with

an so you can act wisely. I noticed you said I am doomed

instead of we if you are sensible you wont be doomed but you have to be realistic good luck

"The reason I said I am doomed is because I am not so sure she feels the same way... .she by virtue of her own admission is basically empty of positive emotions, she thrives on plenty of negative emotions... .believe that ! She keeps telling me that it is me who is negative all the time... ! I am sorry but, that is her projecting ! Which I am more than well aware of... .Ok, which brings me to my next question... .again, I revert back to my whole nephew thing... .! Could someone please in the namer of God explain that to me... .you mentioned that it is probably done to set off a trigger, I am terribly confused on that whole notion on her behalf... .! As far as the created need they have for the immediate need is incredible, my wife most of the time speaks to me in a very condescending tone & then when I get upset & we argue she acts as if she has every right to speak to me that way, & how dare I say to her half the things I do cause everything I say is geared towrds hurting her any way I can... .( this is where I usually get up & leave), my confusion grows on a daily basis, cause trying to make sense out of all this is nearly impossible. I will say this, I feel as if I am gradually pulling away from her & becoming disengaged from her ! I have tried ... .God knows I have tried & I know I am not Superman, cause I feel as if I would need to have the strength of 10 superheroes to be able to continue !Some days for me are worse than others ! Look, I am no choir boy by no stretch of the imagination, however, most of the problems she has with me have been in response to several of my comebacks to things she has said or done !

Please, if there is a mountain more to tell me please feel free to do so ! I am a relative novice at most & I thirst for knowledge, ( the main reason why I am posting here ), and yes, everything you have said up till now makes perfect sense !

Also, please help me to understand the whole concept of their defense mechanisms... .thank you for all your help !"

[Bbuilder]

Hi Bb the reason i mentioned dissacosiation first was because

the condition is extremely prevelant with regards to strippers

( 35 % ) an my guess of those with BPD are really high % can dissocate

or if not use hard drugs to do so, this is something you have to work

out if it applies to you because it is a key part of what you have to deal with

an so you can act wisely. I noticed you said I am doomed

instead of we if you are sensible you wont be doomed but you have to be realistic good luck

"B, is it possible to kinda give me an overview of what happened with you & your SO... .I need to hear real stories to keep from flipping out ! I feel like the only person struggling with this illness in the world... .

Thank you so very much for taking the time out of your day to help me ! if you need any prep advice I am here for you

BB"

[Bbuilder]

Hi bb dont know your situation my ex was also an ex stripper

an also pretty on the far bounds of BPD as i suspect your p

is what i found is that if you go by intuition you end up doing the wrong thing

( though often EVERYTHING is the wrong thing ) it is possible

you should say something like go with my nephew if you want

( hopefully from what you are saying he will spurn her ) an we will see

what will happens when i get out.

( this will spur abandoment fears from you an also possibly from being rejected

by your nephew ( which is probably aimed to hurt you on some level anyway )

Bottom line they will only stay with someone longterm if they know that

person is fine with them leaving ( strange but true ) in the end they will leave anyway

hope this gives you something to think on this is BY NO MEANS gauranteed to

work an people even BPD are different but consider the gist of what i have said

"Brother, I cannot thank you enough for stepping up & offering your assistance. I am stuck in a quagmire of utter despair

cause there is no one out there other than us that really understands what exactly we are going thru... .I spend my days wondering what is wrong w/me for even trying to understand & care ! I know they BPD's are extremely intuitive, she knows she is on the brink of losing me... .every day that goes by I am withdrawing more & more... .for example, where I used to look fwd to calling her on an almost daily basis, now, even when I walk near the phone room I tremble & act as if the phone room is contaminated, I dread calling cause I never know who is going to be on the other end... .plz do not get me wrong ... .I have done my fair share to make things worse between us... .albeit, that was really before i truly understood the nature of who & what I was dealing with... .so, with that being said & understanding that I truly am a complete novice at this

could you try & explain the whole thing w/her & my nephew... .that is one ting I truly do not understand & for that fact neither did my nephew... .I just chalked it up that he was the closest to me & was always 'there' for me no matter what... .his loyalty you couldn't trade for anything in the entire world... .Now, sadly that is gone ! Hopefully one day I will get it back !

For some reason, & I do not know why I feel as if I know you ! Just something inside me, not sure what it is ! I never expected her to go that far off when I went away... .she snapped under one particular moment, which believe it or not was really rather harmless, but, with her inability to understand the true nature of the circumstance she completely interpreted as something else !

Did your SO cheat on you ? Did you know or just suspect ? If they did plz tell me how you handled it ? Did you just chalk it up & move on ? Are you still in a relationship w/a BPD ? Plz explain the nephew thing to me (redundancy), she knows this is a huge trigger point with me ! Also, she truly knows how he feels about her ... .so, I do not understand why she keeps trying to pursue a dead end ? very confusing ! Is/was your SO a high functioning overlapping SO ? Mine is plus she has traits of other Personality disorders, I know for a fact she has OCD< ADHD, & I also believe she has NPD, hence the career as a stripper. Look, here is where it gets crazy & plz do not think for one minute I am tooting my horn, but, she has been a fitness model, down all types of modeling shoots, been in magazines & is drop-dead gorgeous & knows it !

Please can you answer the above questions & give me any type of pointers you feel necessary that I should know, or please feel free to ask any question you want !

If I can help you in any way from in here please know that I will to the best of my ability... .thank you so much & please have a blessed & peaceful day !

BBuilder"

[SlyQQ]

Will respond tonight ( 8 hours ) BB hang in there nothing is going to be easy flat chat at work at moment just re your nephew its an ego thing like most pretty women they dont like being ignored ( if she did link up she would at some stage try an punish him badly for that ) 

[SlyQQ]

Just staying on your nephew briefly did he hate your gf from day 1 or did something seem to happen suddenly ( that you dont know off )

[SlyQQ]

All right how dissassociation particularly de personalization works

Your P sees some one an for whatever reason a flicker of interesrt arises in them You are not there ( you could be in the next room not awnsered a text or even b in the room an your p is looking for a thrill because they are "bored " will explain what bored means later )

Anyway for no fault of your own your P is now thinking about the other person ( this is many times more likely because they are so easily bored or feel abandoned ) now there consience raises it hand and says no you are with a good person you shouldnt do this ( with normal people if it has even got this far it will stop there. ) However with BPD they are not good ( VERY BAD ) at putting aside something they want this causes a conflict within them ( i want to go talk to him ... but I shouldnt ... .my P doesnt own me etc etc ) this train will often escalate causing stress ( this is really really bad ) to the point of dysregulation where your p will ( reach for drugs do something crazy drive really fast ) or go an make a pass at the person . They will almost watch what happens from then on as an interested observer at this stage. In their minds this scenario IS ALL YOUR FAULT if you werent presurring them not to cheat they wouldnt have dysregulated and lost control and wouldnt have cheated and WHERE WERE YOU when thy needed YOU! If however you even glance at another women all hell will break lose you will trigger there abandonment fears an they will PROJECT ( something else you need to know about on you ) what they do onto you

this gob smacking hypocrisay is entirely normal for BPD and makes perfect sense to them When all this is finished they are often ASHAMED ( another word you have to learn about ) BUT not the slightest bit guilty of there actions ( you basically made them do it an they HAVE to shift the blame ) however to avoid all this an MORE STRESS they prefer to hide it ( shame ) if you ever confront them over this it will trigger shame an they will almost imediately dissociate deny an blame you for something or other ( they are really blaming you for the cheating )

does this make sense for you?

[SlyQQ]

There is huge amount of stuff you have to work out bb I will tell you about that stuff you asked about but I am always short of time  but doing this slowly is good because it lets you think about it see if it is true for you an look at what other people say It occurred to me the funeral is maybe why your p and your nephew fell out

[SlyQQ]

My current situation briefly ( if i told you the whole story i doubt you would believe me only the people that know me can see its all true ) the main reason I am here on these boards is that it has fallen to me to look after my (very ) BPD step daughter probably co-morbid bi polar 1 I had a VERY messy break up with her mum ( BPD low functiong together for ten years ( an that took some doing )) who i didnt know was BPD at the time ( worked it out after break up ))

Am now ( one of the few people here apparently ) on reasonable terms with my x an looking hard for any ways to help my SD  ( i also live with my other SD ( she is fine ) an my son 

[Bbuilder]

My current situation briefly ( if i told you the whole story i doubt you would

believe me only the people that know me can see its all true )

the main reason I am here on these boards is that it has fallen to

me to look after my (very ) BPD step daughter probably co-morbid

bi polar 1  I had a VERY messy break up with her mum ( BPD low

functiong together for ten years ( an that took some doing )) who i

didnt know was BPD at the time ( worked it out after break up ))

Am now ( one of the few people here apparently ) on reasonable

terms with my x  an looking hard for any ways to help my SD  

( i also live with my other SD ( she is fine ) an my son

"I am not sure where to start on your responses to your emails, I just received 5 emails from you from last nite, which I again cant thank you enoough for !

Ok, so, I will start email by email, I will start at the first one you sent talking about the ego thing... .I truly cannot answer her reasoning, I at 1 time thought it was an ego thing... .then, I thought it was a way to get back at me through him, then, I thought it was her own way of busting up my relationship w/my nephew... .I truly do not know what it is w/her... .it just defies description... .


Reply to the 2nd email... .he really didnt hate her, he talked to her but, it was never anything more than cordial... .here is something that u might find funny. He is the one who introduced us. We got with each other after he told me hey Unc you 2 should go out w/ each other... .he nvr displayed any type of feelings but bad feelings twds her & that was a few months later into our relationship... .


Reply to the 3rd email... .this is a rather long & lengthy email... .filled w/ a lot of great info... .so far I can understand why she went after a lot of my friends after I got locked up... all of what you sed makes perfect sense to me as to why she was doping what she was doing... she was trying to bait the trap w/a few of my close friends... .some I heard took the bait & did her ... .then I heard some didnt & outta respect for me wudnt bite & she got pissed at them cause they rejected her & she wudnt hv anything to do w/ them after they rejected her... all of what u r saying is making sense now that u r putting in this perspective... .what do u mean when you say after they make a pass at someone they will almost watch as an interested observer ? so, what u r saying is that if they get interested in someone else & they make a pass at them in their minds it is my fault that they made a pass at them... .?REALLY ? MY FAULT ?

I am more than well aware of the other women thing, I saw that first hand blow up one nite when another younger hotter stripper came over & started hitting on me ... .she went ape$&1t          & got suspended for her behavior !the paragraph about being ASHAMED, & SHIFTING THE BLAME TO ME IS ENTIRELY TRUE... .been on the boat b4 w/her !"

[Bbuilder]

My current situation briefly ( if i told you the whole story i doubt you would

believe me only the people that know me can see its all true )

the main reason I am here on these boards is that it has fallen to

me to look after my (very ) BPD step daughter probably co-morbid

bi polar 1  I had a VERY messy break up with her mum ( BPD low

functiong together for ten years ( an that took some doing )) who i

didnt know was BPD at the time ( worked it out after break up ))

Am now ( one of the few people here apparently ) on reasonable

terms with my x  an looking hard for any ways to help my SD 

( i also live with my other SD ( she is fine ) an my son

"Sly, this is in response to ur 4th email, w/regards to the funeral... well, he was at my fathers wake, he would not talk to her, acknowledge her, go near her or piss on her if she was on fire,... .truthfully speaking, I nvr put 2+2 together til now, I think what really f***ed the next day when she got blazing drunk was the fact that he wouldnt even look her way... .I know think she didnt deal w/ his rejection very well (once again), which prompted her to go & get drunk after the funeral... .it was on the day I put my father in the ground that she had to start all this unnecessary bullturds... .I was on an ankle bracelet & she was so drunk that I threw her outta the house & from outside the house she called the local cops on me... .I had to leave, & I am telling u only the tip of the iceberg on that whole days events... .thankj you for opening my eyes to that nvr gave that incident to much thought ... .but then again IO nvr knew she was BPD till after I was locked up for 5 months either ! Sly, anytime you wanna start telling me the important stuff I wud appreciate it... .I need to know how to recognize things that I am not yet aware of... .she nvr cheated on me when we were together when I was on the streets... .she went haywire w/the cheating * her NPD was becoming more pronounced after I came inside ! So, plz feel free to teacgh me what ever it is you think I shud know ! I cant thank you enough... .you are truly spectacular for taking the time out to do this... .plz tell me some of ur predicament w/ur So & how things became so F**ked up ! it helps me to more clearly understand my posotion... does THAT make any sense ?"

Sly... .this is in response to ur 5th email... .plz feel free to tell me... believe me I havent skimmed the surface of ___ this woman has done... .so, plz you will not make me go WOW, I cant believe it... try me ... .I dont get shaken up at all... if you were where I am you would understand exactly what I am saying... .just know how indebted I am to you for taking out all this time from your busy schedule top be a friend to help me out... I literally am going berserk in here with all her little BS games she enjoys playing !"

[SlyQQ]

So So much you need to know re the funeral it is the three As of BPD attention abandonment angry faces

Re your nephew

People with BPD like to isolate there partners from other people they have lots of tricks to make you dependant on them it is possible something happened between your p and your nephew she will definately try an come between you ( not only to isolate you which might not be the direct intention but is may be subconciuos mechanism but she is also jealous of him your attention should be SOLEY focused on her )

You need to ask your therapist why you became a body builder she will probably say something like why dont you tell me? PRESS her say you wont be able to work with her unless she awnsers this question honestly

I am not unlike you I think some things you have to work some of out yourself

 confucious proverb

the easiest way to learn something is by imitation the hardest is by learning it

the bitterest ( AN THE BEST imho ) is by expierience I will tell you more about this stuff whan you have looked at it there is plenty there to think about

[SlyQQ]

I apologize if the last e-mail is cryptic in places It is important you approach all this stuff with critical thinking knowing what is true for yourself an what is not, desperation can easily lead you astray you need to think about this stuff

the stuff about the funeral is something i will have to explain in depth an i basically did not have time to illucidate this is a rough outline the surface problems is your P sees you as being placed in a huge abandoment situation if it was them ( the only thing they understand they would be in a state of near meltdown they dont know how to process this with how you are/should be feeling )

obviously the attention is not on them another thing they dont like

an i doubt you probably know about angry face recognition (BPD have big problems with this ) but for various reasons i will explain later everyone at the funeral probably would have looked angry to your p

[Bbuilder]

So So much you need to know re the funeral

it is the three As of BPD

attention

abandonment

angry faces

Re your nephew

People with BPD like to isolate there partners from

other people they have lots of tricks to make you dependant on them

it is possible something happened between your p and your nephew

she will definately try an come between you ( not only to isolate you which might not be the direct intention

but is may be  subconciuos mechanism but she is also jealous of him your attention should be SOLEY focused on her )

You need to ask your therapist why you became a body builder

she will probably say something like why dont you tell me?

PRESS her say you wont be able to work with her unless she awnsers this question

honestly

I am not unlike you I think some things you have to work some of out yourself


confucious proverb

the easiest way to learn something is by imitation

the hardest is by learning it

the bitterest ( AN THE BEST imho ) is by expierience

I will tell you more about this stuff whan you have looked at it

there is plenty there to think about

"WOW, after reading the breakdown on what you said about her feelings twds my nephew, everything became crystal clear... .I nvr for 1 min ever thought about what you said... .but, after reading it it all makes perfect sense... .there was something that did hapen between my p & my nephew... .but, it wasnt good... .one day she & I had a horrifying argument, well, he got in the middle of it & he once again called her names you wudnt believe, most of his language was centered around her & how ungrateful she was & what a horrible person she was , he told her how he felt bout her in no uncertain terms & nne of it was very nic at all... .he verbally destroyed her ! My neph is not one who cuts corners he will tell you how he feels & prays you dont like what he says... .but, on the other hand it is imortant to know that when he is going to chastize you, he isnt going to embellish or blow the obvious outta proportion... .NOPE, he is going to tell you straight to your face & leaave the sugar outta of it ! And yes, I firmly believe she felt she solely needs my attn & wants my entire fcus on her & her alone ... .now, i am starting to see the true color of the sky... .! Thank you again for the kick in the ass & the eye opening experience !

Bro, believe me I already know why i became a bbuilder, trust & believe this 1 thing ... .I am more than aware of my shortcomings & the reason why I have done & do what I do... .& more importantly why I do what I do ! Its all about self-esteem... .at the start ! There are volumes written about this & I have read a lot of them

Need to know 1 thing... .how do the 3 A's of BPD dovetail the funeral ... .what does my fathers passing have to do w/ her behavior... .you mean to tell me that even though my father had passed & there were several ppl at my fathers funeral she felt that she had the right to be the center of attn, most of all the center of my attn... .even though I was an emotional

disaster ! She nvr one time provided any understanding or evn a shoulder of help during my time of mourning ! Dont get it ! lz help me on this one !"

[Bbuilder]

I apologize if the last e-mail is cryptic in places

It is important you approach all this stuff with critical thinking

knowing what is true for yourself an what is not,  desperation

can easily lead you astray you need to think about this stuff

the stuff about the funeral is something i will have to explain

in depth an i basically did not have time to illucidate

this is a rough outline

the surface problems is your P sees you as being placed in

a huge abandoment situation if it was them ( the only

thing they understand they would be in a state of near

meltdown they dont know how to process this with how you

are/should be feeling )

obviously the attention is not on them another thing they dont like

an i doubt you probably know about angry face recognition (BPD have big problems with this )

but for various reasons i will explain later everyone at the funeral

probably would have looked angry to your p

"I see now what I havent been able to see cause I was operating w/ blinders on the whole time... .my thoughts were clouded w/ pain, hurt, & grief... .so, obviously none of my thoughts cud even remotely been construed as 'normal' , but, then again, none of this is normal circumstances to begin with ! I have forgotten what it is like to be in a normal relationship... .

I am now understanding her lack of empathy, there is a whole new chapter between her & I unfolding & this is very unsettling, so, at this stage I think the best thing for me to do is apply "radical Acceptance" to my new set of problems w/her, so, I can view things from a distance & just take my hands off the wheel & say to GOD... ."Thy Will Be Done", the only 4 words in my vocabulary that hold more weight than anything else I can think of, just trying to deal w/ the everyday BS of being locked up is difficult enough... .now, I am starting another issue w/ her that just might be the end of the whole marriage... .time will tell... .thank you!"

[SlyQQ]

Wonderful turn of phrase Bb I normally try to be scant with praise but the image of the fog lifting ( Fear Obligation Guilt one of various the Non s mantras ) to finally see blue sky really struck a cord with me thank you 

[SlyQQ]

Ok Bb

this is what i have told my SD

I love you enough to let you be free an do what you want i love you so i will be there when you need me or want my help I love you even when you hurt me An i love you enough to tell you when i think you are wrong

My guess is this is how to handle someone with BPD

it is an accepting love but one that needs to be heard

Someone i think said something along the lines  that the only cages that can hold you are the ones you make for yourself

I guess you get the drift

Q999

[Bbuilder]

Ok Bb

this is what i have told my SD

I love you enough to let you be free an do what you want

i love you so i will be there when you need me or want my  help

I love you even when you hurt me

An i love you enough to tell you when i think you are wrong

My guess is this is how to handle someone with BPD

it is an accepting love but one that needs to be heard

Someone  i think said something along the lines

that the only cages that can hold you are the ones you make for yourself

I guess you get the drift

"Sly, thank you for the compliment... .it is only by virtue of what you have been teaching me that I am able to speak from my heart & soul in that fashion... .I am happy that one time the student gets to pass off something of worth to the teacher.

I can only pray that you have a wonderful & blessed day ! You are a God send to me, you have taught me some priceless lessons & I can never thank you enough for the time you have taken outta your busy schedule to teach me & allay certain fears & misunderstandings I have acquired during my realationship w/my wife... !"