I messed up and need advice

[RPC101]

To make a long story short, everything has been over and done with, with no contact, since 11/25/14. To summarize, we had what was felt like something very good for 4 or 5 months and then boom, I was blind sided with a devaluation and then complete discard. At first the story was I can't do it right now, but I'm not going to see anybody, then a month or so later I found out about the new guy. And this is where I messed up.

The night I found out about the new guy, I did not know about cluster b, BPD, npd, whatever. I'm almost she has a combination of things under the cluster b heading. Anyway, I sent the new guy a facebook message that night (11/25/14), and basically said, here are the dates we were dating, this is the last time we were together sexually, watch out for her. I knew for a fact that she was talking to him near the end so I did it for him, but also out of pure revenge.

So, obviously the last two months have been hellish for me and the saving grace has been the tremendous amount of research I've done along with my freinds and family. Cut to last Thursday where guess who tries to call me. Although I long ago erased her number from my phone, I instantly recognized it and did not answer. About 5 minutes later I get a text message basically berating me for sending him that message two months ago. Now, I wouldn't have sent that message if I could do the whole thing over, but it was a heat of the moment thing and I just reacted. In the text she basically tried to suggest what she had with me was nothing, that we didn't even date, we just hung out a few times (which I'll admit cuts me to the core, and is so far off). She also said I shouldn't interfere, called me pathetic etc. Around five minutes later she text me again with "no response. I thought so." I immediately blocked her number after that.

On one hand I'm pretty proud because I have resisted a HUGE urge to text her back. I've really been beating myself up the last few days. The fact that she said what she said definitely got under my skin. I thought maybe she just now felt like blowing up at me or found out about the message, but the more I've talked about it, the more I see that maybe that's not the case. Most of the people I've discussed this with have suggested this is possibly charming. That she saved this up until now to have some kind of contact and gauge me. It's mind boggling to me, but all of this has been mind boggling to me.

I guess my question is, would they pick a fight just to make contact and what would happen if I were to respond? I'm struggling right now, any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

[jjclark]

RPC, I empathize with your struggle here.  A question to ask yourself is if it really matters to you if she is trying to re-engage with you at this point?  It has been since late November, and I know these wounds can take a while to heal.  It's kinda like you have to remove her from the equation, and look at what you are trying to do.

It sounds as though she is upset with you for "busting" her to the new partner.  She might try and contact you when things get rocky with him. What are you trying to do?

[JRT]

I am pretty certain that you rocked the boat of her new relationship.

[fromheeltoheal]

would they pick a fight just to make contact and what would happen if I were to respond?

Realize she's doing it for her, to make herself feel better about whatever the emotion of the moment is.  It may seem malicious but it probably isn't, you decide, you know her, it's probably a reaction to something she's feeling, and maybe a little testing to see if an attachment is still in place with you, which might mean the current relationship is not going well or it might not.

You're still emotionally entangled in things and it hasn't been very long, so if you responded it would just make it worse, guaranteed.  Best to decide what you really want and act accordingly; if you want her out of your life, keep on doing what you've been doing, but also take a minute to reflect on what you've learned and any progress you've made since you broke up.  Take care of you!

[AwakenedOne]

I knew for a fact that she was talking to him near the end so I did it for him, but also out of pure revenge.

The greater revenge would be to totally ignore her now forever. You get to keep your self respect too with that choice.

[JRT]

Its a paradox: getting revenge by lashing out makes us feel better while going NC seems more of a self punishment... .meanwhile, the drama of revenge feeds them AND apints you blacker while cutting her off from EVERYTHING including social media makes her freak out.

[RPC101]

RPC, I empathize with your struggle here.  A question to ask yourself is if it really matters to you if she is trying to re-engage with you at this point?  It has been since late November, and I know these wounds can take a while to heal.  It's kinda like you have to remove her from the equation, and look at what you are trying to do.

It sounds as though she is upset with you for "busting" her to the new partner.  She might try and contact you when things get rocky with him. What are you trying to do?

Good question. The truth is, I don't know wht the hell I'm doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the right path and I'm moving on. Sometimes it feels like this happened yesterday. I THINK I know that I can never go back.

[RPC101]

would they pick a fight just to make contact and what would happen if I were to respond?

Realize she's doing it for her, to make herself feel better about whatever the emotion of the moment is.  It may seem malicious but it probably isn't, you decide, you know her, it's probably a reaction to something she's feeling, and maybe a little testing to see if an attachment is still in place with you, which might mean the current relationship is not going well or it might not.

You're still emotionally entangled in things and it hasn't been very long, so if you responded it would just make it worse, guaranteed.  Best to decide what you really want and act accordingly; if you want her out of your life, keep on doing what you've been doing, but also take a minute to reflect on what you've learned and any progress you've made since you broke up.  Take care of you!

Thank you. If I'm going to be totally honest, there's a part of me that wants to believe things are over with him, that she does regret it, that she doesn't view me as being inferior. I want her to be trying for me, even though I can't go back. I want to feel worthy to her again because she's completely taken my pride.

[fromheeltoheal]

If I'm going to be totally honest, there's a part of me that wants to believe things are over with him, that she does regret it, that she doesn't view me as being inferior.

You were the most awesome person in the universe and then you were scum, which has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the disorder; black and white thinking and defense mechanisms mean you have to be either nothing or everything to her, as she does what she can to manage her emotions.  But of course you feel that way, we all wanted to get back to that idealization stage when everything was wonderful; that's the obsession in these relationships, where did that go?  And is it something about me?  No, it wasn't, unless you did something completely out of character that set her off, but more likely it was just the natural progression of the disorder.

I want her to be trying for me, even though I can't go back. I want to feel worthy to her again because she's completely taken my pride.

Understandable, because that means you matter, trying to get back to idealization.  She could only take what you gave away, and you will create your pride again, along with realizing it had little to do with you and everything to do with the disorder.

[jjclark]

RPC, it sounds like you are grieving. Your emotions are going to come and go like waves through denial and anger, bargaining, acceptance... .  This can go on for a while until you find peace in yourself again.  I would feel good when I was angry with her and making sense of why this wasn't a bad thing.  I wrote everything down, all the bad stuff that a normal sane person would not want to return to. It helped cross that bridge.

Know that the questioning period you are going through is normal and remember to take care of yourself in this.

[raisins3142]

You didn't mess up that bad really.  Many people that felt betrayed like that would do something similar.  It is not the worst thing.  Was it the very best or healthiest thing?  Probably not.  But pretty small potatoes, if you want my honest perspective.

I was much more cruel to my ex after I ended things.

I like jjclark's suggestion to have a "cheat sheet" on hand where you list all the bad dealbreakers and red flags.  I carried one around with me several weeks and would pull it out and read it a few times per day as needed.

[Deeno02]

It happens. I broke NC to comment on a pic of her and new guy. Said she looked happy. 20 minutes later I got a snarky text back. Just leave it be. Nothing good will come of it. 91 days NC out the window. On day 27 of new no NC. Im keeping it that way... .

[CloseToFreedom]

I made so many mistakes in the 7,5 weeks that we're seperated. Contacted her through text and multiple emails. Then beginning last week I gave up and send her one last apology for the emails, and stopped contact entirely.

This weekend she had a new replacement. Haven't let myself be heard in any way. Not giving her that satisfaction.

[Infared]

RPC, it sounds like you are grieving. Your emotions are going to come and go like waves through denial and anger, bargaining, acceptance... .  This can go on for a while until you find peace in yourself again.  I would feel good when I was angry with her and making sense of why this wasn't a bad thing.  I wrote everything down, all the bad stuff that a normal sane person would not want to return to. It helped cross that bridge.

Know that the questioning period you are going through is normal and remember to take care of yourself in this.

I agree with jj. I also think that you exposed her in her lies to another victim of her manipulations, (just as you were).  Think about it, I know she is a sick person... .but you gave your heart and trust to her (as did I to mine),  and here you put some truth in her face as to who she is and she attacks you, belittles you, and abuses you for telling the truth and messing up her little selfish plan. (You can also bet she just told more lies on the other end and painted you extra black too, so as to keep her controlling lies intact and to continue to have their desired effect on her new prey). These people are very sick... .but they are selfish, cruel, and ruthless in their sickness... (At least that is my experience). So in the end, does it make any difference. You have someone abusively texting you because you exposed them in their lies. Can you "fix" or change this person?

Do you need this person in your life?

I know it hurts. I feel for you. ... .but the person that you fell in love with was just a front. Not real... .you are getting a gift because that is being shown to you here... .as painful as it may be.

She also is showing no remorse for her behavior or being self-introspective... .she is just attacking YOU. ... .it helps avoid looking at how sick she is.

[Mr Hollande]

I imagine that when you contacted the guy he chose to ignore it. He probably saw it as a lame attempt from her "horrible" ex to undermine this great love they had going. Fast forward a couple of months and the guy has been through a few things by now. After yet another attack from her he blurts out during the ensuing argument "you know that your ex warned me about you, I should have listened". He may mean it or he may be saying it in the heat of the moment. Maybe both. Obviously she didn't like it.

What's done is done. Right or wrong it's in the past. What matters is what you do now. Well done for not replying to her calls and texts! My advice, if you want it, is carry on with the NC.

[Infared]

I imagine that when you contacted the guy he chose to ignore it. He probably saw it as a lame attempt from her "horrible" ex to undermine this great love they had going. Fast forward a couple of months and the guy has been through a few things by now. After yet another attack from her he blurts out during the ensuing argument "you know that your ex warned me about you, I should have listened". He may mean it or he may be saying it in the heat of the moment. Maybe both. Obviously she didn't like it.

Spot on!

[RPC101]

Thank you for all of your responses. I guess it doesn't really matter why she tried to make contact, it was never going to be for the reason I'd want it to be. I still struggle with the what did I do/what's wrong with me thing all the time. Hopefully I can continue to move through that. I will do everything I can to stay NC. If she tries to contact me again I'll at least have some perspective. It's just amazing how that one text took me so far backwards emotionally.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's just amazing how that one text took me so far backwards emotionally.

Yes, that's a good way to check in and see how you're doing with your detachment and what you can do better.  It's early and you're probably doing everything right, just something to think about as you take your power back.

[Jmanster]

Guys! All I have to say is that dealing with a BPDex is like trying to solve a Rubix Cube that is fighting back... .There is no point! I am 17 day NC and I feel a lot better when it comes to self respect and self worth. Do not engage with her or her partner... .because guess what... .her partner is gonna get the same if not worse treatment than you... .do not engage... .date, and move on I have too much anger for my ex and disappointment and that is eliminating the urge for me to text her.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have too much anger for my ex and disappointment and that is eliminating the urge for me to text her.

Yes!  We have mixed feelings coming out of these relationships, strong and contradictory, and very confusing, and anger can help shift the focus and help us stick to our resolve.  Plus, anger is a stage of grieving and a normal response to abuse.  We just need to be sure we channel it well and don't do anything that we'll regret or that makes it worse, but use the pissed!  You're feeling that way for good reasons.