Denial or Oblivious?

[Smallville]

Ok, so I know that it is hard for a uBPD to realize that they have an issue, so they never seek help. But when speaking with my uBPD SIL earlier about her ex, which turned into her talking about how she hates when she flips out (rages), and how it's like she turns into another person and sees what she is doing but can't control it. She compares herself to my H(her B), and while he does have an anger problem at times, never has he ever gone into full blown rage where he has tried to physically attack everyone around, or broke everything in site. But she says that they both could use some anger management. I mentioned that I wish I could pinpoint what causes my H to get the anger he does at times, because there's no obvious reason or diagnosis. And she truly believes that she just gets a little angry at times. I wanted to tell her that her diagnosis is clearer than day, but I don't think that would have gone so well. I wonder if she remembers anything we talk about when she's in her guilty cycle, after the rage, when she says she needs help, and I try to support her and remind her of how happy her mom is now since she finally got the help she needed. I'm starting to think those are the conversations that she blanks out, that whole cycle is probably what she blanks out! It's all so hard to understand sometimes. But reading about BPD and reading others experiences really helps. And I'm trying to educate my H and MIL as much as I can. I wish that I could help her 17 year old daughter and get her to read into it so she can really understand what is going on with her mom. I think it would save her from lifelong damage and confusion. But she would probably just run to her mom and we can't have that, at least not while I'm stuck living here. How do you educate those who really need it but those you can't trust? Do I just let her continue life and when she's older she'll eventually figure it out and most likely join a site like this for answers? I feel bad for her. Her son is lucky he moved out of state. But I think he was aware that his M isn''t right. Hopefully her daughter realizes it sooner than later and saves herself.

[eyvindr]

That's a tough one, Smallville. Sorry you're juggling all of this. It really sounds like you want to help, and are trying your best.

Just remember as you maneuver through this process that it's not your responsibility to sort out all of the dysfunction in your husband's family. Having attempted something similar myself, and I can tell you from my experience that it can be really frustrating and disappointing when family members of someone suffering from a mental illness or PD are aware of the problems, see how it negatively impacts the family dynamic as well as the quality of life of the individual who is suffering, as well as everyone around him or her -- yet are so enmeshed in that person's needs and lost in F.O.G. that they really do more to enable than to help. And they do it out of love -- or they think so, anyways -- which makes is sad to watch. And no one gets any better.

My ex's entire family was caught up in some deep, committed codependent dynamic where everyone around her just tried to avoid any type of conflict with her, out of fear of the anger and verbal abuse that she would unleash on them anytime she felt criticized, demeaned, slighted, ignored, unappreciated, put upon, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc... .

In the end, I gave up. I felt like I was the only one who actually wanted to do any more than talk about getting help, and committing to some kind of plan. My hop was that my ex would see and accept the need for it, see the potential for healing and happiness, and agree to a 3-pronged approach that would include one-on-one therapy for her, couples therapy for us, and family counseling for her and her FOO. I wasn't even *part* of this family, mind you -- were were involved in a committed, monogamous r-ship for three years, but I wasn't a direct family member, we weren't married, had no children together -- I had to accept that nothing would change until all of them agreed that it would, and then decide whether I could live with all of them if, in a worst case scenario, nothing changed. Because nothing was getting better, that much I knew. So I decided I couldn't live with it, and didn't want to risk committing to it and finding out later that I couldn't live with it. So I left.

[ColdArrow]

Like your SIL,  my uBPD sister thinks everyone else has a problem, not her.  And I know my sister well enough to know she will always be this way.  You can't control what your SIL does or even how your husband and his family react to her,  but you can control how she affects you.  I'm choosing to focus on educating myself as much as I can of BPD so that I can help myself first,  then maybe offer some solace to my husband and other family members. If, by some small chance, my uBPD sister wants help, then I will be there.