Scared... I need to get out of this mess I’ve found myself in…

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It’s getting closer to my very own personal implementation day…the day of action. I’ve been trying to not freak out. But am freaking out a bit anyway. I am sacred. That’s all there is to it. Plain and simple. Scared.

Last night was another crappy night. He was being his crappy self. Not that sweet guy he’s been trying to be but, well, you know the one. What it all boils down to is that he wanted me to ‘preform’ for him and I didn’t want to. Will he actually use words and articulate what he’s thinking? What he wants? Anything? Nope. Just stony silence. That oppressive quite that fills up everything. I try to just be me, not react, not feed that ugly…and as normal it’s met with…idk even know what the hell….he’s getting up and out of bed…slamming out of the bedroom, slamming back in…flopping on the bed….standing in the dark…sheesh…and I am NOT going to be dragged down that route. I am resolute. And afraid. This is when things can really go south in a hurry…but I can’t…I just can’t play my part…the one he wants me to play…I’m angry too.

The last time he slammed out of the room and then back into the room he’s now picking up his work stuff for the morning (keys. Cell, shirt, pants, belt, underwear, socks, belt) all in  the dark…and he slams out of the room again…I’m angry…so angry I get up and slam out of the room too…mutter under my breath “stupid f’ing ___” and use the restroom, I go back to my room and close the door…he ended up sleeping in another room last night…and that made me happy, well as happy as one can be in that situation. By now it’s probably about 2am…long night.

See, he waits until I’m almost sleeping and jumps outta bed or flops around in bed so as to wake me up. This has been going on so long…I don’t even really remember when it all started…I’m afraid too…this triggers me…because this is when things can get really bad for me…and I’m just no physical match for him. He used to hold me down…by my throat…squeezing until I couldn’t breath while yelling at me in the face…I’d close my eyes cuz I didn’t want to see….and that hurt me. So bad. Not just physically but in all parts of my being…and it still hurts to this day…

These are the things I need to…idk…I want to …get rid of. Sometimes I wish I could just cut that part of myself out and…what? Throw it away? Hug it? Idk…but I need something I know this…and I need to get out of this mess I’ve found myself in…

I’m a bit ol ball of what the heck at the moment…at work with a smile on my face, glad to be at work really…

... .oh, yea, and I found out (discovered really) that he's probably talking with that girl he cheated on me with and left me for a few years back... .

[Danie14]

It’s getting closer to my very own personal implementation day…the day of action. I’ve been trying to not freak out. But am freaking out a bit anyway. I am sacred. That’s all there is to it. Plain and simple. Scared.

Last night was another crappy night. He was being his crappy self. Not that sweet guy he’s been trying to be but, well, you know the one. What it all boils down to is that he wanted me to ‘preform’ for him and I didn’t want to. Will he actually use words and articulate what he’s thinking? What he wants? Anything? Nope. Just stony silence. That oppressive quite that fills up everything. I try to just be me, not react, not feed that ugly…and as normal it’s met with…idk even know what the hell….he’s getting up and out of bed…slamming out of the bedroom, slamming back in…flopping on the bed….standing in the dark…sheesh…and I am NOT going to be dragged down that route. I am resolute. And afraid. This is when things can really go south in a hurry…but I can’t…I just can’t play my part…the one he wants me to play…I’m angry too.

The last time he slammed out of the room and then back into the room he’s now picking up his work stuff for the morning (keys. Cell, shirt, pants, belt, underwear, socks, belt) all in  the dark…and he slams out of the room again…I’m angry…so angry I get up and slam out of the room too…mutter under my breath “stupid f’ing ___” and use the restroom, I go back to my room and close the door…he ended up sleeping in another room last night…and that made me happy, well as happy as one can be in that situation. By now it’s probably about 2am…long night.

See, he waits until I’m almost sleeping and jumps outta bed or flops around in bed so as to wake me up. This has been going on so long…I don’t even really remember when it all started…I’m afraid too…this triggers me…because this is when things can get really bad for me…and I’m just no physical match for him. He used to hold me down…by my throat…squeezing until I couldn’t breath while yelling at me in the face…I’d close my eyes cuz I didn’t want to see….and that hurt me. So bad. Not just physically but in all parts of my being…and it still hurts to this day…

These are the things I need to…idk…I want to …get rid of. Sometimes I wish I could just cut that part of myself out and…what? Throw it away? Hug it? Idk…but I need something I know this…and I need to get out of this mess I’ve found myself in…

I’m a bit ol ball of what the heck at the moment…at work with a smile on my face, glad to be at work really…

... .oh, yea, and I found out (discovered really) that he's probably talking with that girl he cheated on me with and left me for a few years back... .

[Skip]

Do you have a safety plan?

[Danie14]

I've kinda covered this before but will again. This was originally posted in Personal Inventory but was moved here (which is ok I just couldn't find it for a moment) and I believe I've told my story here before.

Long story short, no. There's no real plan that's going to work for me here where I live. Cops will take any where from 20 min's to 2 hours to get here... .depending on the time of day (I live a very rural area). There's a woman's shelter here but his sister is the director of it... .besides I can't not go to work and such.

My Plan is to tell him to leave. ... .or for me to leave. Which I don't want to do yet because our son is not of age yet. He's 17 yrs old. When he's 18 then he has the legal right to spend his time anywhere. See... .when this hits the fan things are going to get ugly... .now I can handle the ugly but I will not drag my son thru that ugly with me.

I've tried to leave in the past and it was ugly. I had a ride coming to get me and he would not let me leave with the kids. This was a number of years ago and I wont' do that to my kids again.

so I'm waiting and being scared and angry... .fubar is what I am at the moment.

[Skip]

Have you read about how to create a safety plan?  You need one.  It doesn't need to involve the police as first line.



click icon

[Danie14]

Thank you Skip, I’ll look at that.

I have a lot of stuff running thru my mind. I am on the decided to leave side of things. I know I have to leave. I want to leave. Something inside me keeps telling me that it’s not the right time yet…and it isn’t right yet. I keep hearing over and over the mindfulness bell ringing…learn how to breath, to meditate….let go of the past…the past has no power over us…being open to the infinite possibilities and not limiting myself to anyone of them…codependant issues…ppst…wow, my head spins…I look at myself  and think…this is my children’s worlds, their lives…I’m going to rip their worlds apart….and that breaks my heart…I look at him, my husband, and think…he’s so helpless, he’s going to get caught up in a horrible thing when I leave him….I look at myself and think…well, sometimes it’s hard for me to think much in that direction…mostly I wonder what happened to me? Where did I go? Where am I? and I just want to cry. But I won’t. There’s no point really.

I truly wonder why I’ve allowed this in my life. I’ve never allowed anyone to treat me the way he does. I never have and never will. I have cut people out of my life for treating me disrespectfully. And yet here I am with him. I look back on my life, and in my mind, and see that…all those times I’ve planned to leave and haven’t…why? Why….and I keep coming back to my kids. I don’t want to hang it all on them or make them out to be responsible for my choices…and yet…it’s true. If not for them I’d have walked away from him long long ago. I think he knows that and maybe that’s why things are the way they are now. Idk. I own my decision. I have to. But it’s cold. It’s calculated. I did what I had to do to get thru. Now it’s time to move on.

I keep hearing ‘life your truth’ … live authentically…and if you are not living your truth then you’re living a lie. I keep hearing…be true to yourself. Treat yourself with respect. With love. Love yourself….and for some reason I can’t ‘feel’ it…in my head I know but in my hear t I don’t know…idk if that even makes any sense.

[cloudten]

"I truly wonder why I’ve allowed this in my life. I’ve never allowed anyone to treat me the way he does. I never have and never will. I have cut people out of my life for treating me disrespectfully. And yet here I am with him. I look back on my life, and in my mind, and see that…all those times I’ve planned to leave and haven’t…why?

Love yourself….and for some reason I can’t ‘feel’ it…in my head I know but in my heart I don’t know…idk if that even makes any sense."

This could be me. You are not alone! I do not have children with my uBPDbf... .god forbid if I did. It is just as impossible to leave someone without children involved as it is with kids. I divorced a man for much less than this BPD has put me through. And yet I can't let go. But I can tell you, from the NC times I have let go... .it is amazing how you start to find yourself again... .how you start to feel again, and relate to people again, and have friends and a life again.  Now I am back in it- recycled again- and I am losing all those amazing things I gained and learned about myself. I do not know why I failed. But I can tell you that I have been out of it... .and it is amazing. You can see yourself and the situation in a much clearer light.