My daughter doesn't want uBPDbf at her wedding - for good reason

[toomanyeggshells]

The day after Christmas my 25yo daughter came to visit and planned to stay with me and uBPDbf (we own a house together).  This time, just like all the others, was ruined by uBPDbf's behavior.  He was raging from the get-go because I picked my D up after she spent the day with her father (my x-H).  UBPDbf was upset/jealous that I saw my x-H for a few minutes.  When my D and I got back to the house, uBPDbf started to get loud - "I told you not to come back here", "If you want to be with him (the x), then just leave and be with him", "Get out of the house", etc. 

I went up stairs and found my 25yo daughter sitting on the bed crying and she said she couldn't stay in the house with him.  She was going to stay with a friend.  I wasn't going to let her leave by herself so I packed clothes for a few days and we both left.  He didn't realize when we walked out the door with her suitcase that I had a bag also.  He immediately began calling me but I ignored his calls and text for 36 hours.  For me, that's a huge step.  Anyway, to cut to the chase, I went back after 5 days.  The day I took my D to the airport and I went back to the house that night after work.  I figured one last try  .

The crazy thing is that for the last 20 days since I went back, he's been different.  He's smiling, makes jokes, seems relaxed, seems "normal".  I certainly know better than to think this will last indefinitely, however, I'm shocked that its lasted this long.

Now for my dilemma.  My other D is getting married this summer and she has already told me she doesn't want uBPDbf there, and she's said it more than once. She's seen his awful behavior a number of times, knows all about what happened when her sister was visiting at Christmas and doesn't want him ruining her wedding.  Completely understandable.  He knows that she doesn't want him there because I told him. 

He wants me to talk to her and explain that he's a "changed man" and things are better.  He wants to go to the wedding.  Probably not to celebrate my daughter's happiness - just to make sure I don't talk to my x-H too much     I'm nowhere near ready to make any pronouncements that he's going to act like a human being and ask her to invite him.  To be honest, I'll have a better time without him.

There's no way that I'm going to put my r/s with my daughters and family at risk to stand up for him.  For the last 5 years, its basically been a living hell with him.  He's been on good behavior for 20 days. 

My thought on this was to just give it more time; see how things are going in a week or a month or two.  The only reason I'm posting this now (7 months before the wedding) is that he brought the subject up this morning.  I'm just looking for some thoughts on how best to explain to uBPDbf that he made this bed and he has to lay in it. 

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[Notwendy]

My own opinion about this is that no explanation is necessary, and the more you try to explain, the more reason he will have to argue about it. His bringing it up to you is irrelevant in a way,  because it isn't your decision ( although you might agree with your D) to not have him at the wedding. This is your daughter's wedding, and this is her boundary: " I will not have this person at my wedding"- and she has her reasons.

Your relationship with your D depends on you respecting her boundaries, which means no matter how nice he is being, what promises he makes, her decision is her decision, and if you don't honor her boundaries, you violate your relationship with her. This could have longer term effects. If they have children, she may not want him around them. If she doesn't trust that you will honor herwishes, and if you will try to get her to accept him coming along, she may not let either of you visit.

The simple answer is that Daughter doesn't want you there, no further explanation. He may try all kinds of things to get you to give in. If being nice doesn't work, then raging, whatever. It isn't up to you.

We had a similar issue when a family member didn't want my BPD mother to attend an event. I understand why. My mother is very difficult to deal with when she is not in familiar settings. Also, this family member and my mother don't have a good relationship with each other.   Many times we did not include my mother in family events because it can be so stressful that it is hard to enjoy the event. Being excluded hurt her feelings, and that is undertandable, so the best we could do was validate that her feelings were hurt and stick to the plans. There was no way to explain why as this would just lead to her dysregulating and raging. However, it was not about us, but to honor the wishes of the family member who was the reason for the event.

So how about " honey, I understand that you want to go, but this is what D wants and I wish to honor what she wants"

[toomanyeggshells]

Thank you Notwendy.  I agree completely with all that you said.  There's no way I'm ruining a great r/s with my daughter, her husband to be and future grandkids.  I know he'll be upset and hurt, but that's just the way it goes sometimes.  Honestly, even if things are still good between between me and uBPDbf in a few months, the last thing I want to do is upset her by even bringing up his name, no less asking her to invite him to the wedding.