How much contact? How to decide?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have a uBPD mom who's main style is a needy, waify, enmeshed personality.  Emotional incest and a lot of parentification in my childhood and adulthood until I finally severely limited my contact.  She can also be manipulative, lacks any insight, and does all sorts of odd attention seeking things when she is upset.

I am now struggling with how much contact I WANT.  If it were up to her she would completely take over my whole being, so she is not a guide for these things.  She uses me to perpetually try and fill gaps in her life. 

Up until now I have used an evasive style where I claim to be too busy to talk/visit, dodge her calls, take a few days to email back.  Thankfully that hasn't met with too much resistance overall.  However, she has recently started to push for more contact via Skype or coming to visit (she is out of state).  I don't know what to do. 

My t suggested I figure out what I want and then be honest with her about my needs and why- basically confront her gently about the real reason I don't want much/any contact.  I fear this suggestion because I worry how she would react and I don't want to hurt her (although sometimes i am also really angry too).  I also feel like sometimes I want no contact but feel guilty about this and don't know if it is the right thing.  People who don't have parents like this don't understand the struggle, but I know many of you struggle with similar problems.

How did you decide on no contact?

How did you communicate that?

If you keep in contact, how do you communicate about keeping it limited? 

[Finding Courage]

I have a uBPD mom who's main style is a needy, waify, enmeshed personality.  Emotional incest and a lot of parentification in my childhood and adulthood until I finally severely limited my contact.  She can also be manipulative, lacks any insight, and does all sorts of odd attention seeking things when she is upset.

I am now struggling with how much contact I WANT.  If it were up to her she would completely take over my whole being, so she is not a guide for these things.  She uses me to perpetually try and fill gaps in her life. 

Up until now I have used an evasive style where I claim to be too busy to talk/visit, dodge her calls, take a few days to email back.  Thankfully that hasn't met with too much resistance overall.  However, she has recently started to push for more contact via Skype or coming to visit (she is out of state).  I don't know what to do. 

My t suggested I figure out what I want and then be honest with her about my needs and why- basically confront her gently about the real reason I don't want much/any contact.  I fear this suggestion because I worry how she would react and I don't want to hurt her (although sometimes i am also really angry too).  I also feel like sometimes I want no contact but feel guilty about this and don't know if it is the right thing.  People who don't have parents like this don't understand the struggle, but I know many of you struggle with similar problems.

How did you decide on no contact?

How did you communicate that?

If you keep in contact, how do you communicate about keeping it limited? 

[Harri]

Hi finding courage.  I am sorry you are struggling with the issues of no contact vs. limited contact.  It is not an easy decision to make.  I also think the waif-like behaviors are very hard to deal with in such decisions as no matter what, they will take on the helpless victim stance.  In some ways I prefer dealing with queen witch types-- all are bad, but at least with the queen and witch I have my anger to fuel me. 

My t suggested I figure out what I want and then be honest with her about my needs and why- basically confront her gently about the real reason I don't want much/any contact.  I fear this suggestion because I worry how she would react and I don't want to hurt her (although sometimes i am also really angry too).

I understand the fear and of course you don't want to hurt her.  Have you been able to think about what *you* want and leave aside your mother's reaction for the time being?

You ask what we did about deciding on and communicating no contact vs. limited.  My mother actually made it easy for me by cutting me off and then by the time she started to slowly contact me, I was more than a little angry and hurt (and had learned a lot about BPD) and I effectively told her our relationship would never be the same.  So i am not sure how much help that is, but that is the way I handled things.  I did speak up though and I did tell her directly that things were going to change and she would not be able to use her usual games on me.

I do think it is best to take a direct approach and tell them what you want in terms of contact.  I feel the same way about setting boundaries-- be clear and direct.  I had learned, while living with my family, that avoiding being honest did not work, at least not with my family.  My mother was pretty oblivious to other peoples needs and feelings and my father and brother were so enmeshed that avoidance just did not work.  The same thing with trying to be vague or soft coat the truth... .I usually had to get right in their faces and be very very direct for them to even register that I was speaking something other than the usual party line.

So anyway, back to you!  What do you want in terms of contact?  One visit a year with your mother in a hotel and maybe monthly phone calls?  Weekly?  Never to hear from her again?  Communication via carrier pigeon only?  But first, decide what you want before you consider your mothers feelings and how to communicate those to her.

Best of luck.

[anam_cara46]

I haven't posted on this message board yet, and had just found this website recently. I wanted to respond to this because I can identify.

I've gone multiple years without speaking to my mom before, but it's a combination of her choice and my choice. Lately I am trying to design the framework for how this will work if I decide to have a family.

My mom has refused to talk to me in multi-year spurts, locked me out, refused my calls and contact, or simply completely invaded my life and my relationships.

She has done really extravagant guilt-inducing things in the past during some of the separations-- even though all were initiated by her--(giant boxes for every holiday, Valentines with loving cards).

At one point I refused to give her my address, that's how ridiculous it became. I hated that she could find me and access my emotions. It was so highly emotional to open these ornate packages of fake love. I was proud of myself for waiting months to do it-- but felt guilty just the same.

When I confront her about any of this-- she says that I am crazy, I am the one that doesn't call her. It was "my choice" after all.

It's really wild. Sometimes I want to believe her, because the alternative is so awful to me.

When I try to explain this to people they assume I must be exaggerating.  I am an only child. My mother and I are were very close, and we look a lot alike, same mannerisms. We are “like twins.”

This is totally confusing to hear. I don't want to be twins. The only person that really has any idea of who she really is, is my dad. I am so thankful I can identify with him about it. Again, it's VERY hard to imagine if you meet her public "persona".

If you do not know my mother, she is magical. Energetic, funny, capable of amazing acts of kindness and generosity.

If you knew her like I did, you would see her as a ticking time bomb with a really, really nasty streak.

The first time my mother stopped speaking to me completely was most difficult, she had locked me out of the house (not unusual) but changed the locks after an argument (unusual). I was 22 and commuting for during my final semester in college. This put me in a really tough spot. It went on for two years. She told me she had thrown out all my things. She never called or messaged me on a holiday or birthday. She ignored all my attempts to get in touch. Eventually, I'd just drive by the house at night to check on her.

She finally responded to an email letting her know I started grad school. Then she completely invaded my life. I missed her a lot so I let it happen, but gradually I began to isolate myself to deal with her. I lost interest in my relationship with a boyfriend because I couldn't handle both.

She got back in touch again last year after her aunt got cancer and passed away, my great aunt. My mom took care of her and I visited as much as I could. That is a whole story onto itself-- full of boundary issues.

Currently, I take days to respond to texts, but try to keep up to avoid a huge blow up-- or invasion. It's a constant threat.

I meet her for dinner-- and she loves to extend the dinner as long as possible on work nights. I will only meet on work nights because I don't want to lose my weekends.

She sees my crossing boundaries as the best acceptable form of affection. Extra time, messing with my plans. Absolutely no respect for my plans, ever.

I kept believing there might really be something wrong, then I found this site. Every item to describe BPD describes my mom.

I hope my mom, given the choice, would not be like this. From my perspective now, after all these years-- I feel like I want it to just end. But that isn't simple. Confrontation works with sane people, so I try to learn this language and never let a boundary move again.

I will respond when I can-but really, as guilty as I may feel sometimes, I have been through enough.

I am planning to move away to have a family far from where her visits or presence would be an issue. But even thinking that -- means she's won.