So what is the typical BPD reaction when THEY have been replaced?

[JRT]

thats incredible... .just when I thought that I had heard it all... .

Mine is fairly attractive... .although she became a bit overwieght, she would not have much of a problem meeting someone immediately. Still, I think that she is sitting it out at 4 months after b/u.

Interestingly, during one of our recycles (at the time I thought it was just a traditional breakup), after a couple of weeks went back on the dating site one which we met one another. When we recycled, she told me that she was (and still was) livid and infuriated that I would do such a thing. I, of course, asked her "well, why? You broke up with me?". She gave me a puzzled, 'Makes sense and I am totally confused because I am still angry' sort of look and never said any more about it.

I wonder if she might just be unique as a BPD in this respect. Where even though she had broken up, that her expectation was to return to the relationship once she got her head all together.

[eyvindr]

JRT --

Maybe. Who knows. What you describe is pretty much how my ex has treated me during break-ups -- as if she's the rational partner in this r-ship. So many emails and SM post where she portrays herself as a long-suffering partner who understands that I have some kind of "untreated neurological probelm" that causes me to have "fits" -- that she knows I made a rash decision, and that while she didn't approve of the "Silent Treatment" and it hurt her deeply, she would forgive me and accept me back when I finally came to my senses, because she loves me.

Never once did she ever admit that maybe her behaviors and continual emotional dysregulation could be reasons that someone would consider ending a r-ship with her. Never. And I grew tired of the whole 50/50 argument -- because it simply wasn't accurate, and she used it to diminish the impact of her illness on our ability to get along. I gave up.

[JRT]

So when I think of your an my case I wonder this: ok, they go on their distortion campaigns... .AGAIN. The effort is to convince all of those around her of her victim status at the hands of you and I. Except, just months earlier, we walked on water. AND, didn't this happen with the last guy, and the husband, and the guy before that? At what point do her family and friends say something to the effect of, "we love you... .but we heard this over and over again... .he might not be perfect, but you really need to ask yourself if it is not you". In other words: at what point do the smear campaigns become ineffectual for them. And THEN what happens.

I think that mine got to that point where everyone just rolled their eyes but still supported her. 

[Tim300]

So when I think of your an my case I wonder this: ok, they go on their distortion campaigns... .AGAIN. The effort is to convince all of those around her of her victim status at the hands of you and I. Except, just months earlier, we walked on water. AND, didn't this happen with the last guy, and the husband, and the guy before that? At what point do her family and friends say something to the effect of, "we love you... .but we heard this over and over again... .he might not be perfect, but you really need to ask yourself if it is not you". In other words: at what point do the smear campaigns become ineffectual for them. And THEN what happens.

I think that mine got to that point where everyone just rolled their eyes but still supported her.  

Good question.  Based on my experience and all the stories I've read, it seems like pwBPD don't keep many long-term friends who would be able to see this pattern.  My ex kept in close touch with only one family member, her BPD mom, so this only reinforced her ridiculous thoughts and behavior.  My ex had a difficult time keeping female friends, probably b/c she couldn't use them and they wouldn't put up with her narcissistic traits.  There were some male beta orbiters who I know are always eager to reinforce her claims that the alpha in her life was no good for her.  

In any event, if there was a rational person to set my ex straight, my ex wouldn't be able to accept the advice.  I know, because that was me.  When my ex would cut out her girl friends for the most ridiculous reasons, I would try to explain that these weren't good reasons to terminate a friendship -- but if I pushed too hard on this than I was also "the enemy".

I think the key takeaway here is that when entering a close friendship or romantic relationship with someone, pay attention to how many long-term friends and family members the person maintains normal relationships with.  If it's close to zero or these people are hidden from you, put your guard up.      

[JRT]

Interesting how hearing others stories are helpful in understanding our own!

Mine had really NO GF's to speak of... .at first. Then she slowly introduced them and her status with them. They were all jaundiced at some point; painted black by her for some reason. During our relationship, she slowly invited them back into her life, but kept them at arms length. We only went out socially with one of them and the night was a small disaster for my ex (they were all drunk and inattentive, she felt, to ME! I certainly didn't feel that way). Interestingly, that GF's husband dumped her for a tryst, #2 was a relationship loser, #3 had similar r/s issues as was #4 (who I believe was straight out mentally ill). Not one of them in a successful r/s to speak of.

Meanwhile her family was in similar disarray; Dad the alcoholic, Mom the co-dependent and all of her siblings teetering on the brink of divorce at any given time (her newlywed sister and husband in marriage counseling after a scant 6 months of marriage!).

[eyvindr]

I agree, JRT -- sharing is definitely the best way to de=flea ourselves.

Interesting how hearing others stories are helpful in understanding our own!

If I've posted this before, forgive me for repeating myself. My ex had lots of acquaintances -- how she referred to them depended on whatever role she needed them to play to suit her present scenario/situation/etc. For example, she had lots of work colleagues, and she regularly referred to them as her friends -- but she never spent any social time with them outside the office. Also, while she claimed to have happy, healthy, long-term friendships outside of our r-ship, in the 3 years we were together, she spent no time with any of them -- and I only met two of them. She had lots of orbiters as well, but thought she could explain them away by saying they were guys she'd met while she was dating, but nothing serious had every happened, and they just kept in touch from time to time. Totally reasonable explanation -- except I wasn't entitled to the same level of reasonableness. Apparently, I was supposed to cut ties with every woman I've ever met, regardless of their status as ex, friend, colleague, network acquaintance, local merchant employee, barmaid, friend's wife, neighbor's daughter... .ugh.

JRT -- this --

So when I think of your an my case I wonder this: ok, they go on their distortion campaigns... .AGAIN. The effort is to convince all of those around her of her victim status at the hands of you and I. Except, just months earlier, we walked on water. AND, didn't this happen with the last guy, and the husband, and the guy before that? At what point do her family and friends say something to the effect of, "we love you... .but we heard this over and over again... .he might not be perfect, but you really need to ask yourself if it is not you". In other words: at what point do the smear campaigns become ineffectual for them. And THEN what happens.

I think that mine got to that point where everyone just rolled their eyes but still supported her. 

Yep.

Tim300 -- lots of this rings true for my experiences:

My ex had a difficult time keeping female friends, probably b/c she couldn't use them and they wouldn't put up with her narcissistic traits. There were some male beta orbiters who I know are always eager to reinforce her claims that the alpha in her life was no good for her.

And remember -- the support networks they assemble are temporary, and generally consist of people who don't really know them, or us. Easy for them to support someone, when they have no first-hand insight or experience with their mental illness.

In any event, if there was a rational person to set my ex straight, my ex wouldn't be able to accept the advice.  I know, because that was me.  When my ex would cut out her girl friends for the most ridiculous reasons, I would try to explain that these weren't good reasons to terminate a friendship -- but if I pushed too hard on this than I was also "the enemy."

I think the key takeaway here is that when entering a close friendship or romantic relationship with someone, pay attention to how many long-term friends and family members the person maintains normal relationships with.  If it's close to zero or these people are hidden from you, put your guard up.       

Same here. And, yes -- the key is to maintain your perspective, be objective, and give new r-ships time to develop. And unfold. So that if they begin to unravel, you haven't become enmeshed, and you can walk away before they implode.

[JRT]

Incredible how they yours and mine seemed to have treated other relationships in the very same way. I am not thinking back... .mine had no relationships outside of her son coming into her meeting me... .no gf's were in her life at that time at all... .and she didn't have any comings and goings with co-workers either... .pardon if I already mentioned this but I wonder if her (then) 16 year old son acted as a surrogate husband/BF/GF/social network in some distorted kind of way? He was REALLY high maintenance I I wonder if she simply conditioned him to be chaos and in need of constant attention (he is the most psychologically disordered person I have ever met... .highly intelligent but entirely nonfunctional... .can't hold down a dishwasher job... .gets fired from them within a week or so). Hmmmmm... .

[dobie]

One of the reason my xBPDfiance left was because she now had "friends" and wanted more of a social life .

Since I knew her she had trouble maintaining or forming friendships .

Another thing her s/o was supposed to provide her with ... .

after the b/u half my friends and family told me they had been distant because of her

[JRT]

you mean that they had acted distant towards you?

[dobie]

you mean that they had acted distant towards you?

Yes they didn't want to see me as much because of her ... .same with some friends gfs

[eyvindr]

Sad, in the way we somehow get some kind of chagrined validation out of this kind of feedback. I know I have.

[Herodias]

All I know is when mine "thought" I might be seeing someone, I got tons of texts asking me and begging me to tell him if I was. Wanted to tell me the guy would be really lucky to have me... .wanted me happy even if he wasn't - his words! I told him it was none of his business. He said he wanted to hear it from me... .I said why, I found out you were in a new relationship on Facebook! I don't think they want to be replaced... .I ended u telling him I wasn't. Which I kinda wish I hadn't, but I don't like to lie. Actually, that's one thing he said as well... .I want you to be truthful with me... .I said, like you? He said no, like you... .  Pathological liar that he is! It is so ridiculous to me to have a GF in a matter of an instant. Really makes me wonder about her. Today she posted something about how to know you have found your "life partner"... .she is not  even divorced yet! Either is he! Half of the ways to know, she doesn't even realize are all lies and manipulation on his part! Why do I care?

[rotiroti]

she told me how pissed off she was that I had gone back to online dating... .she didn't at all understand how I could have done that even though she had broken up with me... .).

Mine had similar logical reasoning shortcomings.  These people just have such disordered thinking.  

One day mine broke off our engagement by giving me the ring back, and then right after this got pissed that I wouldn't cancel plans I already had to meet with a buddy later that day, because she wanted me to keep her company all day in her apartment because she wasn't feeling well.  She was livid about wanting me to stay there and cancel my plans, even though she just dumped me.  I caved and cancelled on my buddy at the last minute, to stay there with her.  After a two-week split from her I decided to get back together with her, and at this point even her mom (also BPD) chewed me out for not wanting to stick around in my ex's apartment on that dump day (even though I did end up staying! -- I was simply the devil for having wanted to go).  You just can't make this stuff up.

The good thing for us Nons here is that we have identified that these folks cannot think properly and that we are not the problem, and that we should distance ourselves because it will never change.  

I don't mean to hijack the thread, but could you elaborate on what happened after she gave the ring back? Mine ended with me going with n/c and trying to cope with the aftermath. Would love your input on how to make sense of it all (if it is even at all possible!)

[JRT]

I don't mean to hijack the thread, but could you elaborate on what happened after she gave the ring back? Mine ended with me going with n/c and trying to cope with the aftermath. Would love your input on how to make sense of it all (if it is even at all possible!)[/quote]
No worries at all Never... .I am happy to share what I know... .can you tell me m more of your story? Feel free to PM me... .I am happy to help in any way that I can.

[Aussie0zborn]

My ex used to make fun of her ex-husband (a European) for marrying a Filipino woman. The hatred in her voice was remarkable... .she said, "he went for a subservient Asian after me because he cant handle a real woman". She followed that by saying... ."and you'll do the same". I think she meant that she damaged him so much that he took the easy route. When they had a baby her hateful tongue came out again.

As to how she feels about me being with a beautiful blonde European woman, I don't know seeing as I was discarded this time. I don't think she much cares but she sure does make a lot of false allegations to the police.

So I think there can be a variety of reactions and there may not be a "typical reaction" as such.