Struggling with my sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I am here to hopefully find a way to actually communicate with my sister.  We used to get along but in reading on this this site I think I was just on her good side for a long time.  She has also gotten much more unhappy in the past 5 years.  At this point when we do talk (text mainly) it's arguing.  Or rather it's her being mad at me and me trying not to lash back because I get so frustrated.  I want her in my life but I'm tired of being blamed for doing everything wrong. 

[Starry22]

Hi,

I am here to hopefully find a way to actually communicate with my sister.  We used to get along but in reading on this this site I think I was just on her good side for a long time.  She has also gotten much more unhappy in the past 5 years.  At this point when we do talk (text mainly) it's arguing.  Or rather it's her being mad at me and me trying not to lash back because I get so frustrated.  I want her in my life but I'm tired of being blamed for doing everything wrong. 

[Tim300]

Do not take it personally.  My pwBPD was like this to just about everyone. 

[Smallville]

Hi there! What in your S's life has made her unhappy within the last five years? Is the a reason you are no longer on her good side? Also is she diagnosed or undiagnosed? Is she older or younger? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to know your situation a little better. But from my experiences it's better to distance yourself from people who make you feel that way, even if it is family. If she truly values your relationship and wants you to remain in her life, she'll have to realize that the way she treats you is pushing you away, or get over whatever it is that makes her so mad at you. You can't please everyone. Have you tried telling her your feelings? Maybe a long, detailed text about how you feel and set some boundries that she needs to respect. And if she doesn't respond with anything you want to hear, then just don't speak to or text her for a few days.

[Starry22]

Here is some background.  My sister is 10 years older than me, we are both adults, I'm in my mid 30's.  So even though we have the same parents we had very different childhoods.  She moved out to go to college when I was 8 and until recently we lived far apart from each other.  Three years ago I moved to within an hour of where she lives.  We had an ok relationship before that, not close, but not always fighting.  Over the last few years she has stopped speaking to me for lengths of time because of things I have done.  There was a incident at a party 3 years ago that she still brings up every single time we speak.  Even though I don't think I was really in the wrong I have apologized multiple times, none of which she remembers.  This is just one of the "offenses" I have committed, the latest one being that I just had a baby.  I apparently didn't consider how it would make her feel. 

She is successful in her career, she is very smart, witty and can be so much fun, when she isn't just lashing out.

She is not diagnosed and is unwilling to seek help for her admitted unhappiness.  I have tried keeping a distance but she always draws me back in at some point.  Usually it entails how I just want her to end her life since I obviously don't care about her.  She however can go months without speaking to me and that is perfectly acceptable behavior.

I see that she is in pain and I want to help her, I have tried everything I can think of, but I'm not a professional.  Even though she insults me, blames me for things I wasn't even born for, tells me that I'm a failure and basically a bad person, I want to help her.  I just can't take to constant fighting and blame, especially with a 3 week old baby to take care of.  I'm sure I've done things to hurt her, but most of it is really twisted logic on her part.  It's like having a conversation with a wall because she doesn't actually listen to what I say.

[Tim300]

  I'm sure I've done things to hurt her, but most of it is really twisted logic on her part.  It's like having a conversation with a wall because she doesn't actually listen to what I say.

You are not alone.  I've been through this.  I think almost all of us here have.  I saw my pwBPD go negative on so many people for the most ridiculous of reasons.  It's part of the disorder.  I wouldn't lose sleep over your "offenses".  Also, unfortunately, what I found from personal experience and from reading about BPD, is that there is no amount of rational explanation and apologizing that will help sometimes -- it's like the pwBPD has a different reality and there's no getting him/her to see the real reality.  After you've tried to explain yourself, I would not spin your wheels over and over.

[Starry22]

Thank you for the support.  I'm beginning to realize it doesn't matter what I say or don't say.  It is however so hard not to feel guilty and respond to the manipulation.  I feel bad for not saying anything but don't want to get dragged into the conflict.  It's so hard to know how much to respond.

[Smallville]

The sucky thing is, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. We can only help ourselves. And it sounds like you have more important things to worry about right now! My actual sister isn't BPD, but she's a judgemental b***h, and in the past there's been a few times when we didn't speak to each other for long periods, we've gone almost a year without speaking at one point. But in the long run maybe it was better for us. We're extremely close now.

And in my experience with the pwBPD in my life currently, they never let go of things. My SIL and her previous ex broke up a few years ago, but they have a 17 yr old daughter together, so there are times they have to speak, and I swear every time they do, she brings up how he didn't get her anything for Valentine's day the last two years they were together, but got his new gf something on their first. EVERY TIME! And with her current ex, all I hear is her repeating the same old issues over and over, and when you think that issue was solved, she brings it up again. Idk about others, but she gets obsessive, day and night stalking his Facebook, she can't talk or think about anything else. And they definitely have a different reality than we do. I try to explain to my H that no matter what you say, no matter what proof you have, nothing will ever get thru to them. They don't think like we do. And I have to remind myself that often because I'm always saying how I just don't get how she can do some things that she does. But I think you should focus on yourself and baby! Baby needs all your attention and you don't want to radiate your worries and negative feelings to baby. Only happy, positive feelings!

[Starry22]

Smallville - That is exactly my concern.  I want my little girl to be surrounded my love. Every time I talk with my sister I get so upset my heart races, sometimes my hands shake so hard I can barely hold the phone.  You're right our thinking patterns are just so different.  I need to remember that.  Thank you for sharing your experience.  I'm just in the midst of it right now.

[ABCD1234]

Hi Starry, You are in the right place. I can't tell you what finding this group has meant to me and my well-being.  You are welcome to go back and read my posts to familiarize yourself with my situation, but in short, I've gone NC with my unBPD sister because I could not physically stand to have her in my life. Every time I interacted with her, my adrenals went into fight or flight with sweating, shaking, nausea, the whole thing and I would have an emotional meltdown on top of it. The behavior was so illogical and bat sh!t crazy, I just could never rationalize it. The only thing I could come up with is some sort of mental illness, so I started researching. Finding out what was going on was a relief, but knowing how to handle interactions with her was still a challenge. No matter what I did was wrong and it always ended badly. She tried to drag my mother into it and blame our problems on my mother's narcissistic tendencies. Not a bad strategy, but it did not hold water with me. There was way more to it than that and my sister, not my mother was at the center of the sh!t storm.  Her favorite dig at me is to post slanderous gossip about me on her FB page. Even terminal cancer has not slowed her down. I didn't call her on our shared birthday this month so I am back on the page, (and blocked -again- so I can't see it). At least if she's going to talk sh!t about me, I ought to be able to enjoy it!  Best of luck to you. Fly low and avoid the radar!

[Starry22]

ABCD1234

Wow that sounds rough.  Luckily my sister doesn't gossip about me on social media, she just makes me awful in person.  I totally understand what you mean by the physical reaction.  The same thing happens to me, it just feel so toxic.  I really didn't realize that this was an actual thing, I just thought she was depressed.  When I told her I was pregnant she said I shouldn't expect her to be happy for me and that she couldn't believe I hadn't considered her feelings first.  Talk about irrational!  I tried to explain it was a (happy) accident and I hadn't planned on getting pregnant. Of course that didn't work.  My sister blames much of her unhappiness on our father.  Sounds like we are in similar situations.

[ColdArrow]

I agree that the negativity is VERY difficult to deal with.  It seems like my sister has a dissenting opinion for EVERYTHING I say (actually, everything most people say),  no matter how unreasonable her argument.  Many times, she doesn't even make sense,  but you can't argue with an idiot.  So, I back down.   It's sad.  She can't even hold a normal conversation without twisting it to something negative and paranoid.   The only thing that helps me is to avoid any situation where lengthy discourse is required.  I know that's not very helpful to you, but sometimes it's nice just to have validation.  From what I read here, negativity and paranoia are par for the course. 

[ABCD1234]

Starry, I forgot to mention that my sister went ballistic about my having a second child. Her unwritten law, which she neglected to share with me, was that no one could have more babies than her. Our annual trips to visit my parents overlapped the year I had my second and just having us under the same roof was too much for her. She threw a huge hissy fit claiming I was the favorite, (if she would stop being a psycho maybe she could be tolerable, too), my kids were the favorite grand kids and on and on.  She ended up leaving right then and there, (another one of her favorite manipulations "please don't leave! I'm sorry, I'm sorry... ." Whatever.).  Having children is such a joyful and rewarding experience if you can make them the priority and not allow the dysfunction of past generations to infect their lives.  You are fortunate that you found out early in your child's life that your sister is not a healthy person and does not bring out the best in you and should therefore have a limited role. 

[ABCD1234]

Oh and Starry, you should never have to explain to ANYONE why you want to be a mom. It's your body. Let this sink in how crazy it is that you need to ASK her PERMISSION to have a baby? What is she, China?  But that is BPD!

[Change2014]

Hi Starry22, as others have said you definitely have come to the right place.  Like you, I was at a loss for why the past 6 years with my sister were so rocky and mental illness was the only way to explain it.  It led me here and it was like a light bulb went off.  I can't believe your sister is mad at you about having a baby, as if you should have to clear it with her.  BPD people are the experts at blaming everyone else for being selfish and then the reality is that they are the most selfish people.  My sister tried to sabotage my wedding in little ways and vented to me that she didn't feel excited about my wedding.  As if it was my responsibility to make her feeling excited about MY wedding.  Anyway... .all I can say is that I spent 6 years twisting myself into a knot trying to please her and make up for her list of crazy wrongs that were supposedly committed.  There was no rationalizing with her and it made things worse.  This site has helped me a lot in learning how to set healthy boundaries and to distance myself emotionally from my sister's craziness.  And yes, it is very physically taxing... .my heart starts racing too and I feel under attack.  After my sister's tantrums I get very depressed.  Having my son definitely was my impetus to wanting to nip things in the bud and protect my family.  I hope you find this site helpful.   

[funfunctional]

Hi Starry,

Sorry to hear you are struggling with your relationship with sister.  Sounds like my sister a lot.   Mine is several years younger than me.  I do the eggshell walk with her.   She sends me nasty texts.  I finally went no contact after a few years of dealing with her nonsense.   I love her but it became too much for me.

I don't want my kids subjected to this negativity anymore.  They have seen her drunk too many times.  She is also undiagnosed BPD.

I feel like this will go on and one for me.   We can't change other people.   IDK if you have thought about the boundaries you would like to keep with her if you want to keep her in your life.   I would say no more texting is a start.   Tell her if you want to talk it has to be on phone or in person.

Good luck,