Adult child has gone to the dark side and is trying to spread the lies.

[DreamFlyer99]

I know that i'll get through all this eventually.

I even know that the truth make shake out some day.

I know I can't live my life as a pawn of what other people think I should do (or else.)

BUT IT SUCKS!

I've talked about this before, how my daughter and her husband who live in a different country flipped from being supportive one day to thinking i'm the devil the next... .and it all started when I left and they got hold of my uBPDh.

I'd been hearing the crapadoodle from that daughter in mean-worded texts, how i'm this or that way, all bad things. And how I don't listen/follow directions/whatever their deal is, or their dad's deal is. So after taking her into our home at age 16 as a foster and adopting her as an adult, and countless visits to see them and their growing family (3 kids) suddenly I am this horrible person I wasn't previously.

Now that I hear what I wrote, the fact that they can flip totally from one belief to another makes it obvious why they think I could. I've never been that person, but whatevs, right?

Now that daughter has actually tried to spread the virus of lies to another one of my daughters. Fortunately it's the daughter who lived in our house for a couple of years with her husband when her father was doing some of his worst dysregulating. So she knows how bad it was, she understands. We've talked about how I feel I added to the problem, but mostly I don't talk to her about what's going on with her dad and me since I've been out of the house for nearly a year. In fact, I've worked NOT to talk to any of our 4 kids about it.

I hadn't realized I shouldn't talk to my kids about my marriage--I had thought since they were adults I could, but me of the terrible boundaries, I didn't realize that was wrong because it could set up a weird dynamic. Although I've never been a "good guy/bad guy" kind of side-taking person, I've always been the one to say to my uBPDh "marriage isn't supposed to be a competition." So I had talked to them during the time I was trying to sort out what the heck was going on in the couple of years before I finally left.

So every single thing I said to the out of country daughter and her husband was repeated to my uBPDh when he turned to them for support, but not as a means to understanding what my concerns were, more as a way to seal my coffin as in "Look what she thought about you!" AARRGHH.

My bad. I get that. What I don't get is why they are so adamant that I am bad because I won't do what they say. My h did what they said, and lookie, he's all good! Well, except for the fact that he still treats me as "less than" and says things like he's "been paying for my life for years now," things that don't cause me to have warm and loving feelings toward him.

So since I won't spill more details to them (hmm, wonder why?) and follow their instructions, they won't talk to me. And now I think they may have cut their children off from me as well, since I texted my grandboys and they haven't answered. And what that daughter said to my other daughter was "when Mom gets real" then they'll talk to me.

Extortion. so cool. my h used to use that tactic. I don't want to be their puppet.

Here's to hoping the virus dies out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

 

Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality.

DF99 I'm sorry.

This is a distortion campaign. It's really tough. Say as little as possible and stay out of it. It will blow over.

Hang in there.


--Mutt 

[Rise]

I'm sorry DreamFlyer. This has got to be really hard on you. I can't imagine how bad it is not only having to deal with your ex, but your own child's anger as well. You really don't deserve any of this.

So since I won't spill more details to them (hmm, wonder why?) and follow their instructions, they won't talk to me.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what instructions are they giving you? Why do they think it's there place to tell you what to do?

Not that it makes it okay, but divorce can be hard even on adult children. Some handle it well, but others don't. My ex's sister is still furious with her dad for divorcing her mother four years ago, and she was 25 when it happened. I really wish I knew what to tell you to fix this, but I think you're right that this may have to just blow over. The best advice I can give you is just to remind your daughter that regardless how she feels about you, that you still love her no matter what.

As Mutt said, don't let someone else's opinion define you. Your daughter, for whatever reason, is upset. What she thinks of you right now is being clouded by that. That doesn't mean that's who you are, or that you are doing the wrong thing. Stay strong and you'll get through this.

-Rise

[DreamFlyer99]

Thanks guys.

Rise, their "instructions" started a couple of days after I left, still shaking from the craziness that had just gone down. My son-in-law was telling me to be "a supportive wife" because apparently they told him to get into counseling and he did. Never mind all the years previous when I asked my uBPDh to go to counseling. I told them I wasn't at that point and that wasn't gonna happen. That's when things seemed to take a turn. So I've gotten a few doozies of "you do this, you do that" telling me all the ways i'm bad or wrong from that daughter. For whatever reason, they think they are the be-all end-all for Marital Wisdom. And I am not complying, because I know more stuff than they do, which they seem unwilling to admit.

Mutt, yup, I think i'm just gonna have to ride it out. I have no control over what stuff my h and that daughter and son-in-law say with each other, I only have control over how I handle it! And taking the high road is actually easier than getting involved in it.

i'm mad and i'm sad--sad that I feel they should have a better idea of who I am than they do, and mad that they would so easily go a direction of meanness and control and devaluation. And then try to spread it to the siblings!

I ran into friends at the grocery store who I used to go to church with. My uBPDh had gone to the church a couple of weeks in a row, and the second one when he ran into them he told them "You might not want to tell DF that you talked to me, she might not like you then!" They thought that was really stupid. They DO know me and know that's not who I am.

PUTZ.

[MammaMia]

Dreamflyer

Sounds like classic triangulation to me. 

You may want to tell your child that he/she can believe whatever they want about your relationship with udBPDh.  Because they will.  BUT when they are interested in hearing the truth, they should contact you.

Do not make it a a game of "he said, she said" ... .  I suspect if you stop giving them information, they will come around eventually seeking the truth.

Then realize the source of your ex's comments is a sick and manipulative mind.  He wants sympathy from others, as do all pwBPD.  You cannot fix that.

You know you are a good person and people close to you do too. Do not let others make you question your own integrity and character.  Stay strong.

[DreamFlyer99]

Thank you MammaMia.

I don't give them any information, and that's what makes them most angry! The fact that i'm not bowing to them as the All-Knowing in Things of This Kind is the rub for them. (Ah to be 39 again!) While my uBPDh feeds them info all the time (with his special twist) I won't talk to them about my marriage. So I just continue trying to be the mom and grandma, even if nobody responds to me. It's tough but it's gotta happen that way.

I do know who I am, and like you said, so do others close to me. I guess that's what threw me about my daughter and her husband is that I thought they knew me too! i'm finally learning to trust that I know what i'm doing and why and to question myself less... .

Yup, definitely a sick and manipulative mind looking for sympathy to uphold his Victim mentality and persona. DOUBLE PUTZ!