Does my wife have BPD and is it time to bail out?

[sojourner777]

Married 26 years to one woman. Over that time constant belittling, control, extreme jealousy, which became worse. "Kitchen sinking" behavior. Always brought up same 2-3 incidents where I did not introduce her to a couple of people at church and an incident where I said hello to a pretty neighbor (that's all that happened, really!) and dared talk to a woman who showed some cleavage (not sexually attractive to me, btw).

We have two grown kids, one 14-year-old son. She is from the Philippines and a dentist who does not practice.

I must always hold her hand constantly, even sitting at home or else she will withdraw her hand and I will have to "pay" with comments like: ":)on't ever hold my hand again. Ever. That's it." Or something like that. Then I would beg for her to relent. (Pathetic really by me, with hindsight!) When walking, she would clutch it tightly when near women.

Over recent times, had to change TV channels constantly because of female newsreaders, females in ad, etc. Bogus accusations of looking at girls all the time when walking outside. She got angry at *me* claiming women were looking at me. Never could go to the beach or walk past cafes since pretty women might be there. She would always look at pretty women, then scold me later when I turned around to see what she was staring so intently at.

She was obsessed with one older (unattractive) news presenter whose nipple shape slightly showed through her shirt. She hated this woman with a passion and always brought up her name during an argument, claiming I loved her and using foul language about her. She was on a crusade to rid the world of images of women showing cleavage who were tempting men everywhere to lust.

I cannot even listen to female singers because I can palpably feel her anger in the air. She will ask me why I'm listening  to it and say she doesn't like it and sulk and go to the bedroom.

Said to me once in Egypt, out of the blue: "One day you will marry one of these women, won't you?" Always comments like that.

She is totally obsessed with boobs and cleavage and even insisted her cousin remove a picture from his FB page of a girl with a bikini (which was actually the tipping point for me at which point I told she needed to leave the home and go to the Philippines.) When I went out to the shops etc, often said things like ":)id you see plenty of boobs and bums?".

Cannot touch on tender topics out of fear. I cannot respond without risking a big blow-up. Arguments very volatile and end in her tears and/or tantrums then apologies and tears of regret and reconciliation. One time spat in my face, picked up a knife. Calls me loser and very critical. Tantrums involve kicking and breaking things, crying, screeching, having a crazy burning look in the eyes. Acts like an 8-year-old child. Seriously!

She often says that she is bad and an evil person about herself.

She once left the room at night after the argument  to go to the lounge and I did not follow her to beg her to return. She came back 30 minutes later in tears and screaming at me in a tantrum that I didn't care enough to see what was the matter with her. If we argue and I go to sleep afterwards without making her feel good, I am heartless and just sleeping "without a care" and basically cruel and callous and she will even wake me up to tell me this.

In a few words: tiring, draining and high maintenance marriage. Have not had *any* real male friends during most of my marriage. Sad, huh? I can't even go out very often without feeling guilty that I have to hurry home or call her frequently to tell her where I am.

I couldn't take it any more last year in October (please, no moral judgment of me). I asked her to leave indefinitely or I would go insane after the incident of asking her cousin to remove the bikini girl on FB. I met a girl (after that) for friendship on a website. She is the opposite of my wife in almost everything: gentle, not jealous, kind. I am not asking for opinions on this *please*. She is a Christian, as am I. We do not have sex, although we kiss and hug a bit. I feel very guilty about this, but please withhold your judgement since I feel bad about this. I would like to marry her but don't believe in sex before marriage.

I also had bad anxiety (by coincidence) for the last 25 years with panic disorder and agoraphobia. Since she left, have reduced medication and anxiety dissipated. I stopped taking Xanax and reduced my other medications. I feel I could go off them entirely within 6 months. I sleep well and feel liberated and have peace. When I talk to her, I notice my heart racing, high cortisol levels, need to urinate frequently, anxiety building and swallowing all the time due to her raised tone of voice and discernible anger. I actually felt life draining out of me while married to her and being with her all the time!

I spoke with her recently. She is still blaming me for everything wrong in her life. Now I am a cheater (I actually told her I was going to meet this girl, believe it or not, so I am hardly dishonest. On the website I even said I was married, did not believe in sex before marriage and just wanted a friend). She says I am to blame for her poor spirituality over the years and apparently she was not irrationally jealous and has no disorders of any kind, she really believes on the word of one doctor she saw. I am apparently always to blame for making her life miserable and her not getting a job, etc. etc. I could go on and on. I am the cause of all her misery, apparently.

When we first read books about boundaries she openly mocked the concept and said "I don't believe in boundaries." Now she says that I am breaking her boundaries by confronting her about her behavior. Bizarre turnaround. When I read Scripture verses that showed she was behaving quite the opposite, she implied that everyone was conspiring against her, even the authors of books and the bible!

Am I really losing the plot here, or am I really better of out of this marriage? I feel so guilty for even talking to someone else while still married, and yet feel a strange sense of peace about it all. She is still giving me the silent treatment and tells all her friends about me under the guise of "prayer requests", but in reality just a chance to spill the beans about my infidelity and then slander me about meeting this girl which she is persuaded now is the reason for our separation, although it followed it. She cut me off from FB and all our friends.

I don't want tit-for-tat. I just want to move on. I feel so confused about everything that I sometimes don't know who to turn to for advice. My wife sneakily asked one pastor to talk to me, even though she had once said he was the last person on earth she would ever talk to (when I previously suggested we have counseling)  since he abandoned his wife for two years, joined a religious cult and told his wife he wished she was dead (and they don't even sleep in the same place during the week, or in the same bed when she comes over).

I previously told her on many occasions that divorce was wrong because she constantly threatened to leave me or asked me to leave, which took a huge toll on me, emotionally. I was the one asking her to see a marriage counselor and she would never agree to it because she didn't want people to know about her and us. (Now I am the one trying to get an annulment on the basis that I did not know she had some personality disorder like this when I married her, otherwise I would not have done so. I live in Malaysia as an expat Australian worker).

Worse, now is she is very sanctimonious and seems to be super close to God, filled with the Holy Spirit, very holy, and said that I would be judged, I'm following Satan, she is totally forgiven, I would not have a good life due to sowing and reaping, and would have no peace and be judged by God etc. All the way she is still aggressive, angry, belligerent, sarcastic, critical, harsh, and is exactly the same almost every time I talk to her.

When I talk to her about seeing a psychiatrist, when says she is off her medication for depression and anxiety and that she wants to discontinue the conversation because it is starting to "distress" her and she doesn't want to talk about it, ever, when I raise it.

Sigh. What to do? Am I still in touch with reality or what? Any advice (except judgment, please) welcome. I know that people will say that I should not see somebody else while still in a relationship (inside I know this is true), but I have met this girl already and cannot change that fact. It happened and we feel strongly for each other. I am 51 soon and don't want to waste another 26 years. I can still have a good life ahead of me and I'm optimistic about that.

[ForeverDad]

I just skimmed your post, so much there resonated with my experiences, they were that similar.  The isolation, required appeasing and compliance, the guilting, the "we will fix this or else" into the middle of the night, the prohibition from looking at 50% of the population, the ability to work but not working or choosing to work doing something else for less, etc.

This reminds me of a class I took over 15 years ago... .Decision Driving.  They taught that 'defensive' driving wasn't enough, good decisions were the key.  Similarly here, it is not enough to play Defense.  (How many football teams can win with only defense plays?)  So, what decision is before you now?  Accepting that your spouse hasn't changed for the better in all these years, accept that (1) she won't change and (2) the only option is to change yourself and your strategies.  You can't control her or make her behave.  You can choose to change the paradigm by strengthening your boundaries.  Sadly, better boundaries usually end up with the relationship, such as it is, imploding and the target needing self-protection, getting distance from the saboteur.

Accept too that you can't 'reason' with your spouse.  Trying to reason won't work because she's not listening.  You can't make her seek therapy either, the old "you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink" analogy.  In the divorce please try your best to keep the emotions out and make it as businesslike as possible.  Courts don't try to change the spouses, they deal with them as they are.  Courts don't care about pointing fingers and blaming - unless there could be substantive DV or child abuse.  Their focus is (1) setting custody and parenting schedules for the remaining 4 years*, (2) splitting marital assets and (3) determining if alimony is appropriate and for how long.

* I expect you will try to get substantial parenting time with your teenager?  He's about an age where the court or a court appointed evaluator can make a recommendation which can include some of the teen's wishes along with his best interests.

Regarding the next relationship(s), it is often commented that we need time after a bad relationship to recover.  Recovery is a process and not an event.  You don't want to risk this being a rebound relationship.  It would be wise to close out your current relationship before starting another.  Maybe a bit late but still try to end one before beginning another.

[whirlpoollife]

You won't be judged here.  You have been in an abusive marriage. We are all human from all parts of the world.  The members here will help you navigate your way to a new life you deserve.   You have made an incredable first step to tell your story and ask for help. 

I appeased a jealous Npd/BPD  husband for 27 yrs.  I could not watch tv with a man on the screen . I was accused of whoring  around with everyone. I became very isolated. I was scared to talk to anyone for fear he would find out. I was even terrified when a girlfriend wanted me to go to lunch with her and her daughter. So I too , and many others , know what that's like.


I was at a point that I no longer had an identity.  Almost three years from filing for divorce,  and still going through the process,  I have been  going through a healing process as well.   

Your new friendship sounds beautiful ... .but slow it down ... .for the moment.  w just falsely accused you for 26 yrs of infidelity , don't give her this friendship you have as, a see I told you so.  Once divorce is final... .then go for it  .

Take care of your S14 , in which custody will be part of the divorce process. 

Keep posting and reading.

[ForeverDad]

I spoke with her recently. She is still blaming me for everything wrong in her life. Now I am a cheater (I actually told her I was going to meet this girl, believe it or not, so I am hardly dishonest. On the website I even said I was married, did not believe in sex before marriage and just wanted a friend). She says I am to blame... .

And another concept, a better boundary, to reduce the risks of sabotaging yourself... .In a healthy and functional marriage the spouses share information, but if the marriage is ending then sharing too much information or the wrong information could end up enabling the other spouse to badmouth you or sabotage you.

By sharing the information above, you may have been trying to get a belated "oh, I finally understand and will change" response, but it just enabled more blaming and blame-shifting.  So if your marriage is ending, you need to judge carefully anything and everything you share with your spouse and whether it will impact you emotionally, parentally, financially, spiritually or otherwise.  All too often (1) sharing information or (2) divulging information under interrogation will be used to sabotage you.  Learn that soon or you will enable her struggle to control/punish/blame you.

[sojourner777]

I spoke with her recently. She is still blaming me for everything wrong in her life. Now I am a cheater (I actually told her I was going to meet this girl, believe it or not, so I am hardly dishonest. On the website I even said I was married, did not believe in sex before marriage and just wanted a friend). She says I am to blame... .

And another concept, a better boundary, to reduce the risks of sabotaging yourself... .In a healthy and functional marriage the spouses share information, but if the marriage is ending then sharing too much information or the wrong information could end up enabling the other spouse to badmouth you or sabotage you.

By sharing the information above, you may have been trying to get a belated "oh, I finally understand and will change" response, but it just enabled more blaming and blame-shifting.  So if your marriage is ending, you need to judge carefully anything and everything you share with your spouse and whether it will impact you emotionally, parentally, financially, spiritually or otherwise.  All too often (1) sharing information or (2) divulging information under interrogation will be used to sabotage you.  Learn that soon or you will enable her struggle to control/punish/blame you.

You're so right in this. Sometimes I'm just too honest, but that's what I am. I have a to play a strategic "game" now, although I dislike the idea of games, it has been thrust upon me. I agree with you 100% and thanks  so much for your wisdom. I really do appreciate it and it helps me a lot.

[sojourner777]

Regarding the next relationship(s), it is often commented that we need time after a bad relationship to recover.  Recovery is a process and not an event.  You don't want to risk this being a rebound relationship.  It would be wise to close out your current relationship before starting another.  Maybe a bit late but still try to end one before beginning another.

Thanks you so much for your advice on everything. I agree with it, and it is all starting to make sense to me, finally. I know what you're saying about the rebound thing. I am on guard for it, and although I may have some cognitive dissonance going on (self-deception), as a Christian I genuinely believe this woman understands my struggle since her father controlled her mother and she has made a determination in her soul that she would never be like that and we are aware of this rebound phenomenon -- both of us. She is in no hurry. In reality, my current relationship is already my previous relationship because my wife said so many time she is leaving and each time was like a knife in my soul, I grieved for her loss already years ago as though she had died to me, sad to say. When somebody continues to hurt you, you grieve and a little bit dies inside each time, including them.

I miss the good times I had with my wife, but I also miss the good times I had with my father, who passed away in 2000. Needless to say, I don't want to expunge good memories or feel bad about my wife. She is sick and cannot really help it, so I don't hate her for it and I do forgive her. I have just read so many sad posts of people who never have the guts to leave a destructive marriage that I'm determined I will not be like them. They feel trapped after say 30-40 years of wedded nightmare and now they feel too old to start again and seem seriously, chronically depressed. Thank God I don't feel depressed, but I still get twinges of conscience that I'm trying to deal with. But that's just a human reaction.

My new girlfriend is very patient and knows what I am feeling. She has told me clearly to take whatever time I need to deal with my issues and her kindness and patience is exactly the opposite of what I have experiences over so many years. Her gentle spirit is so opposite my wife that I am genuinely moved by her lovely attitude.

Yes, I do wish my marriage had ended before I even met her, but that is another world that never happened and I cannot roll back time now or regret it too much. At 50 years of age, time is not my friend, but since my grandfather lived well into his mid-90s, and I feel fitter than I did when I was 20 (low BMI, good blood chemistry etc.), and if, God willing, I will last another 40+ years, then my remaining years can be ones, I hope and pray, of either wedded bliss or at least wedded harmony and love and peace.

[sojourner777]

You won't be judged here.  You have been in an abusive marriage. We are all human from all parts of the world.  The members here will help you navigate your way to a new life you deserve.   You have made an incredable first step to tell your story and ask for help. 

I appeased a jealous Npd/BPD  husband for 27 yrs.  I could not watch tv with a man on the screen . I was accused of whoring  around with everyone. I became very isolated. I was scared to talk to anyone for fear he would find out. I was even terrified when a girlfriend wanted me to go to lunch with her and her daughter. So I too , and many others , know what that's like.


I was at a point that I no longer had an identity.  Almost three years from filing for divorce,  and still going through the process,  I have been  going through a healing process as well.   

Your new friendship sounds beautiful ... .but slow it down ... .for the moment.  w just falsely accused you for 26 yrs of infidelity , don't give her this friendship you have as, a see I told you so.  Once divorce is final... .then go for it  .

Take care of your S14 , in which custody will be part of the divorce process. 

Keep posting and reading.

Thank you! I am so glad to hear the stories of others that it really touches me! I don't think I can change the "I told you so" thing anymore. It's probably a wildfire that's out of control and I cannot tame it!   From my faith perspective, I know that in time I will be vindicated and that people will realize that I was the victim and not the instigator. It's so tempting to send emails to all my friends to spill my guts about all of this, but I'm going to resist that difficult temptation. At the moment I am Satan to her and they probably think so too. What are you going to do, really? Not much I guess, and I will live with that.

I'm not sure what the S14 is since I am a dual citizen British/Australian working in Malaysia. She actually left our son in the Philippines and returned by herself to Australia -- for what reason I cannot comprehend. I don't think she will fight for custody because if I brought him to Malaysia, she has a snowflake's chance in hell of getting him out of here, seriously, since I am domiciled here and she is but a tourist. But I want what's best for him and he can finish his schooling in the Philippines, which would be good for him. I don't think she will oppose this since she is sometimes quite rational when she is not raging.

I have been told that under Malaysia law I can actually have the marriage annulled (and so declared void, rather than a divorce) if I can get a court to believe that she has BPD/NPD. I need to think of a strategy of how to do that, but I think I will make that another post. If I can get her to agree to this, it might actually be a face-saving measure for her if I can add that my codependencies fed into her NPD and so she can say basically to others that the court said we were incompatible from the start due to personality disorders if people should ask. At least that's my hope. I will keep you all updated on that one. If she fights it, I will just wait until 12 months is up, according to Australian family law, and then file for divorce unilaterally, and she cannot stop that or oppose it by law and it will just happen.

[ForeverDad]

About your children now, ponder the example of parenting and marriage they experienced their entire childhood.  Yes, you stayed together but it was dysfunctional, unhealthy and had plenty of recurring raging, conflict and demands.  It was as a result a poor example and a difficult environment.

So how have the children been affected short term?  How much influenced by their mother?  How do they view the separation?  As they say, the walls have ears and they might even be wondering what took so long to take action.

And how have the children been affected long term?  They're at a higher risk of choosing someone like dad (savior and appeaser) or someone like mom (controller and uncontrolled).  It may be a bit late but - better later than never - hopefully them seeing you set firm boundaries for reduced conflict will help them.

It would be good for them to have a counselor or other respected adult to speak with, someone outside the chaos of the past.

[jedimaster]

In the past year my uBPDw has gone from doubting her own belief in God and hating everyone in church, to attending one Bible study and teaching another one online, to giving all that up and not even discussing God again.  I have come to accept that God knows how and why she is the way she is, and the situation between the two of them is not something I can affect.  At one time in her life she was a deeply spiritual person and a gifted Bible teacher, in spite of her BPD.  It's tragic that she is no longer in that place, but no less so than the young minister friend of mine who dropped dead of a heart attack last fall. 

I, however, can no longer continue in this r/s and remain emotionally healthy, I feel.  I struggle somewhat with the idea of initiating a divorce, as I do still believe that lifelong marriage is the ideal plan.  However, we don't live in an ideal world and I don't believe martyring myself mentally and emotionally for the sake of a sham "marriage" is healthy, productive, or spiritually edifying.  So here I am on the divorce board. 

Good luck to you and may God guide and bless you in your decisions.

[sojourner777]

In the past year my uBPDw has gone from doubting her own belief in God and hating everyone in church, to attending one Bible study and teaching another one online, to giving all that up and not even discussing God again.  I have come to accept that God knows how and why she is the way she is, and the situation between the two of them is not something I can affect.  At one time in her life she was a deeply spiritual person and a gifted Bible teacher, in spite of her BPD.  It's tragic that she is no longer in that place, but no less so than the young minister friend of mine who dropped dead of a heart attack last fall. 

I, however, can no longer continue in this r/s and remain emotionally healthy, I feel.  I struggle somewhat with the idea of initiating a divorce, as I do still believe that lifelong marriage is the ideal plan.  However, we don't live in an ideal world and I don't believe martyring myself mentally and emotionally for the sake of a sham "marriage" is healthy, productive, or spiritually edifying.  So here I am on the divorce board. 

Good luck to you and may God guide and bless you in your decisions.

I really thank you for your reply. Our situations sound so similar. I find it strange that she is apparently so close to God now that she is striving for canonization, yet the same old responses are there when pressed. What is a blessing though is that apparently she is too scared to talk to me now so she sends all messages through my mother! Thank you God for such a mixed blessing. It's frustrating though because my mother is forced to be the hamburger patty in something she doesn't want to be involved in.

I also believe that ideally marriage is for life and it's funny that originally I was the one quoting all these bible verses to her when she kept threatening to leave all the time. But I have come to believe that Jesus and Paul did not intend to address all the issues that couples have in life and that simply "not getting along" is never a good reason to divorce, or finding a better or prettier woman is never a good reason to dump your wife of so many years.

Remember that Jesus was just answering a question that was put to him by Pharisees who wanted to know if "any reason" was good enough to kick out your wife. Jesus said clearly, no, it wasn't. But this was part of a debate that was happening in Jesus' time between more liberal Jews and those who believed more in keeping marriage. Jesus was just coming down on the side of preserving marriage rather than giving up easily. We don't have a record of all of Jesus' teaching, but since BPD was not even diagnosed until the year after I was married, it's unlikely that we should attempt to take one or two verses and use them to prove that nobody has a right to escape from an abusive relationship and has no right to happiness in life without being subject to God's eternal judgment. I just don't believe that anymore.

I think I will make a separate posting on this, so thanks again for the feedback. I do regret starting a new relationship prematurely, but it would be unfair on my new female friend to end that one when we are quite close. I never had any friends for the past 25 years so this is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now, believe it or not. I need friends! I know it will just add fuel to the fire, but at the moment I don't really care what she does because I'm overseas working, my soon-to-be ex-wife is in Australia and there are not too many ways she can punish me or get to me apart from spreading poison, which she claims she is not doing. Yeah, 2 of 3 my kids are against me, but my girlfriend is a very wise woman and she just reminded me that in time they will get back to normal. So I take that onboard.

[jedimaster]

In the past year my uBPDw has gone from doubting her own belief in God and hating everyone in church, to attending one Bible study and teaching another one online, to giving all that up and not even discussing God again.  I have come to accept that God knows how and why she is the way she is, and the situation between the two of them is not something I can affect.  At one time in her life she was a deeply spiritual person and a gifted Bible teacher, in spite of her BPD.  It's tragic that she is no longer in that place, but no less so than the young minister friend of mine who dropped dead of a heart attack last fall. 

I, however, can no longer continue in this r/s and remain emotionally healthy, I feel.  I struggle somewhat with the idea of initiating a divorce, as I do still believe that lifelong marriage is the ideal plan.  However, we don't live in an ideal world and I don't believe martyring myself mentally and emotionally for the sake of a sham "marriage" is healthy, productive, or spiritually edifying.  So here I am on the divorce board. 

Good luck to you and may God guide and bless you in your decisions.

I really thank you for your reply. Our situations sound so similar. I find it strange that she is apparently so close to God now that she is striving for canonization, yet the same old responses are there when pressed. What is a blessing though is that apparently she is too scared to talk to me now so she sends all messages through my mother! Thank you God for such a mixed blessing. It's frustrating though because my mother is forced to be the hamburger patty in something she doesn't want to be involved in.

I also believe that ideally marriage is for life and it's funny that originally I was the one quoting all these bible verses to her when she kept threatening to leave all the time. But I have come to believe that Jesus and Paul did not intend to address all the issues that couples have in life and that simply "not getting along" is never a good reason to divorce, or finding a better or prettier woman is never a good reason to dump your wife of so many years.

Remember that Jesus was just answering a question that was put to him by Pharisees who wanted to know if "any reason" was good enough to kick out your wife. Jesus said clearly, no, it wasn't. But this was part of a debate that was happening in Jesus' time between more liberal Jews and those who believed more in keeping marriage. Jesus was just coming down on the side of preserving marriage rather than giving up easily. We don't have a record of all of Jesus' teaching, but since BPD was not even diagnosed until the year after I was married, it's unlikely that we should attempt to take one or two verses and use them to prove that nobody has a right to escape from an abusive relationship and has no right to happiness in life without being subject to God's eternal judgment. I just don't believe that anymore.

I think I will make a separate posting on this, so thanks again for the feedback. I do regret starting a new relationship prematurely, but it would be unfair on my new female friend to end that one when we are quite close. I never had any friends for the past 25 years so this is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now, believe it or not. I need friends! I know it will just add fuel to the fire, but at the moment I don't really care what she does because I'm overseas working, my soon-to-be ex-wife is in Australia and there are not too many ways she can punish me or get to me apart from spreading poison, which she claims she is not doing. Yeah, 2 of 3 my kids are against me, but my girlfriend is a very wise woman and she just reminded me that in time they will get back to normal. So I take that onboard.

Thank you. I needed to read your words today!  You have a very good insight and interpretation which seems to be contextual without simply trying to rationalize our actions.  I fully agree.  I also think part of the NT teachings on divorce were aimed at respecting women's rights as persons, something Jesus did regularly, and something even Paul did in spite of his harsh-sounding teachings in certain passages.  Those I think were aimed more at managing conflict and avoiding the appearance of impropriety, rather than at disrespecting women.  Women were little more than property in those days and could be divorced on a whim, and I think the NT teaching is addressing that casual attitude.  That is certainly not the case in today's family court as the many horror stories on this website attest!  If anything I think we have tended to overcompensate.  I will be looking for your separate posting as I think this is a valid and much-needed discussion, not only for Christians but for other faiths, and even for those who don't practice any religion but have concerns about ending a marriage.

[livednlearned]

Skip commented in a thread about this a few years ago, and it really resonated with me. He doesn't address the religious aspect that you very eloquently describe, but he does make reference to what we believe in, what we value.

It is a huge decision, life changing for us (especially those in long-term marriages), life changing for our children and our families.   It shouldn't be an easy one.  To struggle with this is to be expected.  To repeatedly try different alternatives is a natural response.  

To succeed or eventually give up are both reasonable outcomes.  

What matters most is how we approach it - our character, our ability to see our role in it (research has shown that we significantly affect pwBPD and the relationship dynamics*), and our ability to make good choices through the process.  

Sometimes we are so worn out from the bad relationship dynamics we, too, are fraught with "twisted thinking". Depression is common (75% of our members) and this twisted (irrational) thinking is a hallmark of depression.  We call it fleas,but it's a little more serious than the name implies.

So we can remain stuck in indecision for overly long periods (years), or unable to see our roles and not be willing to make as much change as we are asking of others, or becoming resentful victims,  or be stuck in recovery afterward (years) - this is where we suffer - and that is mostly about us.

This is often hard to accept on top of everything else.  So I think sometimes we focus too much on our partner and their behavior as the determinant of the outcome.  And this can get us into unrealistic thoughts  - our  the partner doesn't have to be "evil" for us to leave or even for us to have suffered.  These "thinking" often get us into trouble.

It can simply be that they are weak, and immature, and we let the relationship dynamics get even more out of balance because we have "not so great" relationship skills and ego weaknesses.  

Its true that some of these relationships are abusive of power (and that very serious and different) - but many of these relationship are abusive by lack emotional fulfillment and poor day to day interaction - which is serious, but very different.

I had a friend that started a relationship with a man who had to sleep every night in iron lung. There was no question that he wasn't going to live a long healthy life, and every year was a struggle- but she did it.  I admire her for it.  I personally wouldn't do it.

Who is the better person?  

Maybe a better question is "why am I wanting to analyze it on this level (good vs bad)."

It's about us. It's about what we stand for. It's about what we believe in. If she could find fulfillment in this relationship (she did) - she accomplished something wonderful.  If I would be resentful of the sacrifice and having identity or self esteem issues in a relationship like this - its clear I made a bad call going in - that I should change (myself - alone or in conjunction with my partner) or make a responsible exit.

I'm stating the obvious I know.  And describing a model like this is very simple conceptually and much more complex on a day to day basis - but I thought I'd hang it out there with the other excellent comments in this thread as something to weigh in with the other thoughts.

Skippy

* This does not mean responsible for or able to correct the other person.  It just means if you pair a pwBPD with different people the relationships will be different.

Another good resource:

Book Review: Contemplating Divorce: A Step by Step for Deciding

Just as there are right and wrong reasons to marry, there are good and bad reasons to divorce. This practical guide will help you evaluate your marriage to determine whether you should stay or go. Without bias toward or against the option of divorce, this book includes helpful tools to guide you to the right decision.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141223.0