Fighting the urge

[Depression = 72% of members]

51 days NC and I want to throw everything she has done in her face, knowing she is on her dating site every day which means she has no permanent supply I want to throw it in her face! Because I did everything for her in her daily life and I am no longer doing it I want to throw it in her face! Because she has tried to contact me and that means she still thinks about me I want to throw it in her face! Knowing what I would do for her and what she lost I want to throw it in her face! I want to break no contact and throw everything in her face! I want to point out the fact she wanted a child with me and tried to have mine taken away in her face! I want to throw all the reasons why I am not talking to her in her face! I do not want to hurt her personally But I want the truth to hurt her by throwing it in her face!

Just venting!

[Targeted]

51 days NC and I want to throw everything she has done in her face, knowing she is on her dating site every day which means she has no permanent supply I want to throw it in her face! Because I did everything for her in her daily life and I am no longer doing it I want to throw it in her face! Because she has tried to contact me and that means she still thinks about me I want to throw it in her face! Knowing what I would do for her and what she lost I want to throw it in her face! I want to break no contact and throw everything in her face! I want to point out the fact she wanted a child with me and tried to have mine taken away in her face! I want to throw all the reasons why I am not talking to her in her face! I do not want to hurt her personally But I want the truth to hurt her by throwing it in her face!

Just venting!

[christin5433]

Don't do it ! Keep on your path you'd be giving up on yourself and you will regret. Who really cares if she is looking for her next host . If you guys had something real and you were a good person than just be that still. In her face will only empower her she will think your not over her . She will tell everyone of how you freaked out on her. And all those days will be lost . I may need a lecture at a weak point. It's good to vent here.

[elessar]

Please don't do it. Read the last post that I started about me breaking a 6 month no contact. I know you are hurting so bad. We feel like we were used and discarded like tampons. Even if she is great to you, it will still hurt a lot. There is nothing but pain. Do anything but do not break NC.

We have to figure out why we need their validation about all that we did. Good luck to you!

[raisins3142]

I've had this same urge.

Don't break NC.

They simply can't process something like that as other people can.

What you want to happen won't happen.

[bpd3103]

I had a dream the other night that I made contact and didn't get a response. It felt so real and I was disoriented when i woke up. And although If I were to really make contact I'm sure I would get a response because I assume we are "cool" now; The regret was still so heavy on me. I was just so relieved when i realized it wasn't real. Just a dream, but still worth noting.

[fromheeltoheal]

Here's a fun game: 51 days from today is March 13th, which is a Friday, lucky Friday the 13th!  So set three goals for yourself that you are able and committed to meeting by March 13th, and focus on meeting them, put your energy there.  Her face will be 102 days away by then, probably too far away to throw anything.  Make the future more important than the past.  What are those three goals?

[eyvindr]

Hi Targeted,

It's a great sign that you have the self-awareness to come to the boards to vent, instead of entertaining thoughts of breaking NC on your own. I'm glad you're here -- you have your wits about you, man!

I agree with the others -- stay strong. You're 51 days in -- that's almost 2 months. Sometimes it helps me to think of NC as similar to how it felt to quit smoking -- it took me a number of tries, as it does for many people. But once I finally quit, one of the things that kept me away from smoking -- and which still does today -- is a real strong desire to never have to go through the turmoil of quitting again! I don't want to go through this again with her. It's not good for either of us.

Really -- I reconciled with my ex twice following two serious break-ups in our 3-yr relationship. Nothing changed -- each time, we ended up back in the same place, same issues, same never-to-be-resolved problems, same communication disconnects. Even if a personality disorder wasn't at play -- we were just incompatible. We tried, tried again, and again -- and it didn't work. I've done the same thing with other past lovers -- it never worked with them the second time around either.

You're already free. Keep moving forward. Focus on yourself. Hang in there.

[downwhim]

Targeted, don't break N/C. One of the best things I did was to throw his stuff out into a dark dumpster on a Friday night. I threw it as hard as I could and one item was a coffee cup with his name on it with my lipstick stuck to the sides. He wanted it back. As I heard it crash against the metal and break I thought, this feels good. Lots of ways to vent and I am glad your here!

[Targeted]

Thank you everyone, I have not broken and I look forward to be 52,  DW, thank you for your caring and support, and FHTH! With all the pain that we go through in a break up like this where most have said it is even more anguish then losing a close family member I found it amazing that you could start a reply with " here is a fun game "! Reason why is because that is the optimistic attitude of the old Targeted before being reduced by this relationship,  I like your idea about setting goals to reach by Lucky Friday the 13th, but I am going to set two instead of three, One of them is not going to be easy but it is not unrealistic, The other goal I will set will be very easy so I will have to repeat it a few times,  repetitious goal number one is going to be to get out of the house and find something fun to do with just my two beautiful children, They need their happy dad back, The second and harder goal to reach that is not unrealistic comes from EYVINDR, I am going to quit smoking.!  I think if I can make it through this break up I should certainly be able to do that!

[fromheeltoheal]

Great goals T, youda man!  Out with your kids in the smoke-free fresh air; that's living all the way, and spring is a rebirth.  We look forward to updates as we support you in meeting them!

[eyvindr]

Way to go, Targeted! If I could do it, you can do it. 

You got this. FWIW -- what finally got me through the last and final quit were the little Tic-Tac style nicotine "mints." Once I decided once and for all that I didn't want to smoke anymore, I stopped buying cigs immediately, obviously. No more bumming or cheating, no excuses (like, "I can only have one a week until I quit" -- having one a week isn't quitting!), accept that the reason you smoke is because you're just addicted to nicotine. And accept that breaking the addiction will take effort and commitment.

I made sure I ALWAYS had those mints on me, and whenever I got the urge, I popped one into my mouth. And the urge subsided. And I did that until I didn't need them anymore, and the urge became manageable without them. One of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Helps if you also clean up your diet (if need be) and start some kind of regular exercise regimen (if you don't already have one). Think of all the money you'll save, and the overall positive impact to your quality of life!

You got this!

[JRT]

If she is on the dating site every day, that means that she is having a difficult time trying to find a replacement... .It ain't as easy as one would be led to believe on them.

[eyvindr]

hahahahaha! JRT -- that's exactly one of the things my ex kept throwing at me before I had it all stopped -- that her "replacement" (b/c, remember, there could be no reason to leave an r-ship unless you've met someone else -- kind of telling in itself) -- never mind that there isn't one at all -- was a cheap substitute for her (b/c who else on the planet could possibly compare to her?), and that once I inevitably came to my senses, after realizing that "it's not that easy" for "someone like you to attract a quality woman," it would be "too late" for me "to come crawling back like you did before."

Refresher: No replacement. No "other woman." Not dating anyone else, anyone new, anyone at all. Not interested. Not looking. Not on dating sites. Not thinking about reconciling. Pretty clear on why I left. Haven't changed my mind. Never crawled back before, either -- pretty much the other way around, actually.

Once you get unmeshed, they can be kind of amusing to watch. Still annoying, but there's some amusement in there. For example, last week, my ex started "leaking" on some of her social media sites that she has reunited with her ex husband and will be remarrying! Whether it's true or just her latest "strategy" (do they really think that's a reasonable approach to rekindling a r-ship, if there even was a remote chance, which there isn't?). The "news" put me in a terrific mood for all of last weekend!

[JRT]

wow... .tell us how that one turns out... .do you think that its a jealousy ploy aimed at you?

[eyvindr]

JRT --

I have no way of knowing. And I really truly and honestly don't care! But, since you asked, I can tell you everything that's wrong with it (forgive the itemization of the obvious):

• If it's true, how can it possibly be healthy? (Already tried that r-ship, didn't work, only 5 mos out of 3-yr "soulmate" r-ship (w/ me  , which she has been claiming has decimated her emotionally, she hasn't changed at all, so will likely be the same or worse as a partner, etc.)



• If it's a lie, it's pretty bold! -- she'd be intentionally misleading the hundreds of "friends" she's accumulated in her social media since our split.



• If it's a strategy, exactly what about creating a jealousy scenario to effect a result is ethical?



• If it's a strategy, it clearly shows that she's completely comfortable employing emotional manipulation as a relationship tool.



• If she has actually engaged her unassuming exH in this, God forbid! He doesn't deserve this! (Mind you, this is the same man who she has claimed she never loved, only married because she thought it was what she was supposed to do, refused to grant him any more than supervised partial custody of their D8 after the divorce, claimed she never had sex with him -- "except one time" or course. The same guy she divorced for faking cancer, supposedly -- apparently true.)



• If it's a strategy, what does it say about what she thinks of me if she thinks I would be moved by this? (Mind you, I left her, after three yrs, and have been NC for close to 5 mos at this point.)



• If it's true, why would I interfere?



• If it's not true, what's the point?

She could actually be losing her isht. Who knows. Not my problem. Like I said, it can be amusing. (Let me know if you want a link to her Amazon wedding wish list. Kidding -- not about the list -- there really is one -- but it would be crass to expose her like that. That'd more be something she'd do, if the tables were turned.)

[JRT]

one possibility might be a going, going, gone type of strategy... .not that anything like that is healthy as you note... .

Think about the element of damage that she has incurred to her reputation among all of her FB friends. She gets out of a long term relationship and almost immediately, not only takes up with a guy (which makes her look nothing but bad) ... .but hints that she is getting engaged... .AND its an ex! That screams "I am an emotional goofball' to everyone that she knows. There is no way to recover from that.

[Targeted]

Way to go, Targeted! If I could do it, you can do it. 

You got this. FWIW -- what finally got me through the last and final quit were the little Tic-Tac style nicotine "mints." Once I decided once and for all that I didn't want to smoke anymore, I stopped buying cigs immediately, obviously. No more bumming or cheating, no excuses (like, "I can only have one a week until I quit" -- having one a week isn't quitting!), accept that the reason you smoke is because you're just addicted to nicotine. And accept that breaking the addiction will take effort and commitment.

I made sure I ALWAYS had those mints on me, and whenever I got the urge, I popped one into my mouth. And the urge subsided. And I did that until I didn't need them anymore, and the urge became manageable without them. One of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Helps if you also clean up your diet (if need be) and start some kind of regular exercise regimen (if you don't already have one). Think of all the money you'll save, and the overall positive impact to your quality of life!

You got this!

I was actually cutting down and preparing to quit during the relationship while I was happy but the stress of it all kind of blew it for me, i'm not saying it is her fault, it is my other and my addiction, but she was also one of my addictions and I'm quitting that one. Why not this one too!  I have quit before and it lasted a few years so I am sure I can do it again

[Targeted]

If she is on the dating site every day, that means that she is having a difficult time trying to find a replacement... .It ain't as easy as one would be led to believe on them.

She is actually breathtakingly beautiful, she has absolutely no problem getting a guy!  Her problem is keeping one,  I think the dating Pool at her age has probably had more experiences then I have and can probably smell the red flags before they even see them, my guess would be when she lets out that her children all have different fathers most men run, i'm sure she likes that information out right quickly because she likes to play the Poor me victim role, i'm sure there are still a good number of men that will think only with their crotch and look at only her physical appearance and they may stick around a few months but that's all it will last when the red flags start popping up. I feel bad for her because she lost me, I did not care what she looked like but always told her how beautiful she was, she was afraid because I was nine years younger that her looks will fade and I will become disinterested, I reassured her that I was with her because of our emotional connection and she will always be beautiful to me,  she traded in a guy like that for a dating site, it's not my fault!  I am sure she will have a brand-new happy three month anniversary every three months with somebody new.

[JRT]

sure but that doesn't mean that she is willing, at this point, to take just any guy... .she might very well have convinced herself that this or that quality is essential and is holding out... .i see MANY women on dating sites that are there for a while... .

[Targeted]

sure but that doesn't mean that she is willing, at this point, to take just any guy... .she might very well have convinced herself that this or that quality is essential and is holding out... .i see MANY women on dating sites that are there for a while... .

I know my ex, she is looking for love as well as a means of survival, she is laid off until spring and not working, I am not there to financially support her any more or do all the things that I did around her house for her, she needs somebody to do all of that and she is willing to drop her pants to get her financial and daily and emotional needs met, she just needs a victim to get her through a few months, that is the lifestyle that I wanted to take her out of

[eyvindr]

JRT,

She's been singing the "going, going, gone" song repeatedly for the past 5 months. It started the afternoon I told her I was done -- before I initiated NC -- when she told me on the phone, "I wanted to let you know that my friend Cbate has asked me out, and in light of our last conversation, I've decided to give Cbate a chance" -- because that's what all of us men are -- possibilities, no more. She decides who gets a shot at winning the grand prize -- life with the princess, I guess. Whatevs! Yet, in her ongoing online screed, it's me who is the triangulator!

one possibility might be a going, going, gone type of strategy... .not that anything like that is healthy as you note... .

Or it might be total BS. Again, who knows? Who cares? She also tends to play the "g-g-g" card cyclically. Like, she goes through weeks of non-stop splitting -- then she seems to calm down, and throws done a "this is your last chance" card -- even openly implying, in writing, that she will cease all of her splitting immediately. All I have to do is reconcile. We don't even need to have a big conversation. Sometimes she says, "no one even has to know," like she's wants to spare me the embarrassment of slinking back to her ( ). Other times she has said, "no one will judge you -- my friends and family only want me to be happy." Batisht crazy, man.

Think about the element of damage that she has incurred to her reputation among all of her FB friends. She gets out of a long term relationship and almost immediately, not only takes up with a guy (which makes her look nothing but bad) ... .but hints that she is getting engaged... .AND its an ex! That screams "I am an emotional goofball' to everyone that she knows. There is no way to recover from that.

Right. You can add that as a bullet point to my last post. But remember -- easily 98% of her social media friends are people she's added in the past 5 months, who she's never met, who have never met her, or me, who never knew us together... .you can see where this is going.

And, she's done it before. After our last months-long split, she set up shop on an online forum for partners of pwBipolar PD -- spent hours there every day, posting one revised version of reality after another, including much dramatic fabricated information for effect. Literally tens of thousands of words. With apparently (?) no consideration for all of the other members of the site, who invested their time and caring in reading and responding to her BS! Totally uncool. Then just left as soon as we reconciled. When I called her on it, she insisted that I had invaded her privacy by reading it, and that it was completely ok for her to do, b/c it was online (so it's not real?), it was anonymous (as anonymous as this, but that's a pretty weird definition of anonymous, no?) and her therapists had advised her to do it as part of her healing process to get her anger out.

Yet this woman, who has a Masters degree that she never lets you forget about, doesn't seem to understand that -- well, first that lying is WRONG, even if you do it to people you don't really know -- and that it's very possible to write anything you want, and not share it with anyone. Millions of people do that all the time, in fact. I've come to see it as just more fascinating information on what disordered thinking looks like in real time. Just consider all that's going on --

• Go ballistic and launch a splitting campaign online, b/c you absolutely must be heard. She in fact many times stated that she "would not be silenced!" "My story needs to be told to protect other innocent victims!" Which only reinforces the true negative intent -- to punish, hurt and humiliate your former partner, who you are desperately trying to win back, in private.



• Attract the genuine concern and compassion of people you don't even know to use them as clueless participants in your splitting campaign. On the dysfunctional side, I think every time anyone supported her claims, or commiserated with her, she interpreted it as empirical evidence that her perceptions were correct -- even though what people were responding to were often outright lies. As if by saying it, it was real, and by getting a response, it was validated as such.



• Boldly make completely inaccurate statements that are easily disputed in reality. In fact, much of what she claimed could easily be dismissed by referencing actual past emails that she sent to me during our r-ship.



• Blatantly confessing in her posts to things like misleading her therapist about facts, such as being advised that she shouldn't date for at least a year, but had chosen to do so anyway, and hadn't shared that with her therapist.



• Talking about some of the guys she dated, in such terms as "he definitely has husband potential" and "he shows signs that he wants to be there for me and D8." And I'm sure these lucky guys, after one coffee date, are fully in the loop on that, right?



• Claimed that she didn't mean a thing she wrote, that she was only trying to "win" me back, that it was all a therapist-approved exercise in healing.



• Claimed also that she thinks she "went a little crazy during the breakup," then cried and begged for forgiveness. Then, when she got it, she pretended like it never happened. In other words, I should be over it, and just let go. And have no worries because "that's all in the past now."



• Indulge in ALL of the above behavior, plus much much more, and convince yourself that no one is going to think you're nuts.

Such drama. If you like drama, these are the folks to have around, fer sure.

It also tends to be cyclical. Like splitx20 days, half a day of sentimental sorrow expressed, wishing for the past, wanting to repair things -- no response leading immediately to more extended periods of horrible splitting, splitting, splitting, followed by a "g-g-g" card -- "this is your last chance, time is running out, I would still take you back, but I need to make a decision" -- with no response leading back to splitting, splitting, splitting... .it's truly interminable.

Fun stuff. Not.

[JRT]

sure but that doesn't mean that she is willing, at this point, to take just any guy... .she might very well have convinced herself that this or that quality is essential and is holding out... .i see MANY women on dating sites that are there for a while... .

I know my ex, she is looking for love as well as a means of survival, she is laid off until spring and not working, I am not there to financially support her any more or do all the things that I did around her house for her, she needs somebody to do all of that and she is willing to drop her pants to get her financial and daily and emotional needs met, she just needs a victim to get her through a few months, that is the lifestyle that I wanted to take her out of

That might be a tall order despite her beauty!

[JRT]

JRT,

She's been singing the "going, going, gone" song repeatedly for the past 5 months. It started the afternoon I told her I was done -- before I initiated NC -- when she told me on the phone, "I wanted to let you know that my friend Cbate has asked me out, and in light of our last conversation, I've decided to give Cbate a chance" -- because that's what all of us men are -- possibilities, no more. She decides who gets a shot at winning the grand prize -- life with the princess, I guess. Whatevs! Yet, in her ongoing online screed, it's me who is the triangulator!

one possibility might be a going, going, gone type of strategy... .not that anything like that is healthy as you note... .

Or it might be total BS. Again, who knows? Who cares? She also tends to play the "g-g-g" card cyclically. Like, she goes through weeks of non-stop splitting -- then she seems to calm down, and throws done a "this is your last chance" card -- even openly implying, in writing, that she will cease all of her splitting immediately. All I have to do is reconcile. We don't even need to have a big conversation. Sometimes she says, "no one even has to know," like she's wants to spare me the embarrassment of slinking back to her ( ). Other times she has said, "no one will judge you -- my friends and family only want me to be happy." Batisht crazy, man.

Think about the element of damage that she has incurred to her reputation among all of her FB friends. She gets out of a long term relationship and almost immediately, not only takes up with a guy (which makes her look nothing but bad) ... .but hints that she is getting engaged... .AND its an ex! That screams "I am an emotional goofball' to everyone that she knows. There is no way to recover from that.

Right. You can add that as a bullet point to my last post. But remember -- easily 98% of her social media friends are people she's added in the past 5 months, who she's never met, who have never met her, or me, who never knew us together... .you can see where this is going.

And, she's done it before. After our last months-long split, she set up shop on an online forum for partners of pwBipolar PD -- spent hours there every day, posting one revised version of reality after another, including much dramatic fabricated information for effect. Literally tens of thousands of words. With apparently (?) no consideration for all of the other members of the site, who invested their time and caring in reading and responding to her BS! Totally uncool. Then just left as soon as we reconciled. When I called her on it, she insisted that I had invaded her privacy by reading it, and that it was completely ok for her to do, b/c it was online (so it's not real?), it was anonymous (as anonymous as this, but that's a pretty weird definition of anonymous, no?) and her therapists had advised her to do it as part of her healing process to get her anger out.

Yet this woman, who has a Masters degree that she never lets you forget about, doesn't seem to understand that -- well, first that lying is WRONG, even if you do it to people you don't really know -- and that it's very possible to write anything you want, and not share it with anyone. Millions of people do that all the time, in fact. I've come to see it as just more fascinating information on what disordered thinking looks like in real time. Just consider all that's going on --

• Go ballistic and launch a splitting campaign online, b/c you absolutely must be heard. She in fact many times stated that she "would not be silenced!" "My story needs to be told to protect other innocent victims!" Which only reinforces the true negative intent -- to punish, hurt and humiliate your former partner, who you are desperately trying to win back, in private.



• Attract the genuine concern and compassion of people you don't even know to use them as clueless participants in your splitting campaign. On the dysfunctional side, I think every time anyone supported her claims, or commiserated with her, she interpreted it as empirical evidence that her perceptions were correct -- even though what people were responding to were often outright lies. As if by saying it, it was real, and by getting a response, it was validated as such.



• Boldly make completely inaccurate statements that are easily disputed in reality. In fact, much of what she claimed could easily be dismissed by referencing actual past emails that she sent to me during our r-ship.



• Blatantly confessing in her posts to things like misleading her therapist about facts, such as being advised that she shouldn't date for at least a year, but had chosen to do so anyway, and hadn't shared that with her therapist.



• Talking about some of the guys she dated, in such terms as "he definitely has husband potential" and "he shows signs that he wants to be there for me and D8." And I'm sure these lucky guys, after one coffee date, are fully in the loop on that, right?



• Claimed that she didn't mean a thing she wrote, that she was only trying to "win" me back, that it was all a therapist-approved exercise in healing.



• Claimed also that she thinks she "went a little crazy during the breakup," then cried and begged for forgiveness. Then, when she got it, she pretended like it never happened. In other words, I should be over it, and just let go. And have no worries because "that's all in the past now."



• Indulge in ALL of the above behavior, plus much much more, and convince yourself that no one is going to think you're nuts.

Such drama. If you like drama, these are the folks to have around, fer sure.

It also tends to be cyclical. Like splitx20 days, half a day of sentimental sorrow expressed, wishing for the past, wanting to repair things -- no response leading immediately to more extended periods of horrible splitting, splitting, splitting, followed by a "g-g-g" card -- "this is your last chance, time is running out, I would still take you back, but I need to make a decision" -- with no response leading back to splitting, splitting, splitting... .it's truly interminable.

Fun stuff. Not.

sorry that you are going through this... .no one should have to and your deserve better! Mine wasn't like this at all... .but STILL a BPD!

[eyvindr]

Thanks, JRT. I was going through it. I'm not anymore. She may still be going through it. If that's the case, that's her problem, not mine. Her outrageous, negative, offensive and dysfunctional efforts to shame (?) me back into a relationship have not only failed to achieve that goal -- she's also preempted any possibility of a post-r-ship friendship. And she, in fact, told me as much in one of the last emails she sent to me before I filed a complaint -- that we still had a chance, in her eyes, and she was willing to forgive me (for breaking up with her), and give me another chance (I broke up with her), as long as I would agree to reconcile but, if that weren't acceptable to me, she wasn't interested in being friends.

And yeah, sure -- sometimes you can't be friends with your ex, for any number of reasons. But to frame it that way -- basically, enmeshment or nothing -- really demeans the relationship. Seriously, how dare these people lecture us on what love is?

[christin5433]

Good to hear you have made it I'm on day 8 and I finally felt anger, anxiety, and just plain rage for how I was treated during the end. My daughter just seeing a parent turned nobody not even a kind goodbye . Just crazy demands for stuff , police coming over, smear campaign, and get this shutting down everything she could so fast 7 days before Christmas . Disgusting person I still find some ounce of mercy for. Remember what your silent for. If your ending was anything like mine silence Is the kindness you can do for all involved because if I was let loose to say what I really feel I believe the world would know not just her my suffering from this complete disrespect which we call a PD. I'm doing what I can to get through this w/o hurting her or myself. Plus I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me suffer for one more second . I'm glad u made it to 52!

[Targeted]

Good to hear you have made it I'm on day 8 and I finally felt anger, anxiety, and just plain rage for how I was treated during the end. My daughter just seeing a parent turned nobody not even a kind goodbye . Just crazy demands for stuff , police coming over, smear campaign, and get this shutting down everything she could so fast 7 days before Christmas . Disgusting person I still find some ounce of mercy for. Remember what your silent for. If your ending was anything like mine silence Is the kindness you can do for all involved because if I was let loose to say what I really feel I believe the world would know not just her my suffering from this complete disrespect which we call a PD. I'm doing what I can to get through this w/o hurting her or myself. Plus I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me suffer for one more second . I'm glad u made it to 52!

Thank you,  I believe if I let my feelings and emotions go that the world would implode and monkeys would fly out of my butt with chainsaws! But my silence is golden and speaks louder at the moment. I don't want hurt I want peace! I'm just human and need to fight the urge to be naturally impulsive by responding,  happy I have that control and my friends here,  day 53 tomorrow!