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Author Topic: I think I made a mistake  (Read 544 times)
Anonymoose100

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: adult daughter
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« on: March 06, 2020, 09:03:34 PM »

I feel like I made a mistake. A couple of days ago my diagnosed BPD mom sent me a text message that said she wanted to overdose. I responded to the text immediately and tried to call with no answer. I called my step-dad and told him to take her meds so she couldn't OD and called her therapist and told her she was basically threatening suicide. The therapist told me to call 911 if i felt it was needed and that she would call the following day. Well, my mom told the therapist she was "fine". Clearly the therapist didn't believe this and sent my mom a text outlining that treatment has to change or she would be let go as a patient. Mom freaked out and attempted suicide that night. It was late so me and my step dad had our phones on silent and didn't get the "suicide letter text". She got scared and called 911 on herself. A part of me feels like I did the right think by calling the therapist but now I'm worrying that if my mom loses her therapist it will be my fault and I am truly afraid of the verbal abuse that will follow. I don't know what to do.
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Ziggiddy
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Relationship status: Married 10 years
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« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2020, 11:46:28 AM »

 Anonymoose100
What a frightening experience to go through!
It's a difficult path to navigate when your mother is unstable and much more intense when there is suicidal ideation/gestures/attempts.
My own uBPDm attempted suicide 3 times so I can feel a lot of sympathy for you. It's tough to go through. Additionally, pwBPD tend to blame others and project their emotions onto others whilst expecting them to take responsibility for them and their feelings.
So I can understand your feeling that this is your responsibility and that you may have caused a rift between your mother and her therapist.
Please let me tell you that first and foremost, you are not responsible for your mother - as adults we become responsible for ourselves, your mother no less because she has BPD.

As far as her r'ship with her therapist goes, you did what you thought was right and informed them of your mother's intent as she told you. That was the exact right thing to do. It is between the therapist and your mother to negotiate their own therapeutic alliance.

If the therapist does decide to discontinue counselling your mother, it is most likely that they will make other arrangements and refer your mother to someone else.

It would not be your fault or your responsibility.

Many pwBPD are at risk for suicide attempts/ideation/gestures due to the instability of their emotions. Their loved ones around them are no doubt concerned and wish to help/support/prevent suicide. The thing is, there is only so much you can do.

The best thing to do is to immediately contact the authorities, as you say your mother did.
They are trained and experienced in how to deal with this. They  are in a much better position to get your mother the type of help she needs

The hardest thing I had to learn about this is that it is simply not any one's responsibility to prevent someone from their suicidality. All we can do is try and get them the professional help they need.

As far as the verbal abuse you fear, I really really relate. It's awful to be on the receiving end of that. But as in any kind of abuse, you do not deserve to be yelled at or called names or any other  verbally abusive thing. you have every right to walk away.
When my mother did that I told her I would speak with her as long as she remained civil but if she didn't stop being nasty to me I would no longer listen and would walk away. She continued on so I hung up on her. it was terrifying but I am entitled to not be spoken to that way. I hope you are able to put a boundary in place that you do not deserve verbal abuse.
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TelHill
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Posts: 331



« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2020, 12:06:14 PM »

Yes to all Ziggidy wrote. You did the right thing. The mental illness of bpd is not something you caused, you can’t fix her and you can’t cure her.  Please find therapy for yourself. These episodes can be traumatic and can hasten PTSD in yourself.

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Anonymoose100

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: adult daughter
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2020, 09:49:43 PM »

Thank you so much everyone, this has been really helpful, mom is home now and seems ok and has been nice
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Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
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« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2020, 11:25:15 PM »

Excerpt
She got scared and called 911 on herself.

So she took care of herself, good for her. She did the right thing and so did you. 
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Ziggiddy
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« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2020, 12:24:59 AM »

Good to hear that things are better today. If you have any more challenges, please do come back and update us
Z
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2020, 04:00:44 PM »

You did the right thing.

As far as the therapist goes - when your mother was dishonest with her, the T had to respond that to be effective, the patient needs to work with the T. If your mother doesn't comply with therapy, then the T can't be effective. I don't think the T is allowed to just break the treatment, she may have to refer to someone else-but she can state that your mother needs to work with her so she can actually help.

It would not be unusual for your mother to blame you, but that doesn't mean it's your fault or you did something wrong. I agree with her T- if she does this again- call 911.
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Spindle0516
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
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« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2020, 11:44:56 PM »

I want to second what Telhill suggested about therapy for yourself as well. My MIL had what we thought was a suicide attempt last year. (Long story, but it ended up being a lie.)

Anyway, we called 911 and she was admitted to the hospital. The environment there was horrific and she was really abusive to us regarding the incident for a little while.

My husband is still struggling 6 months later with the aftermath of her hospitalization and describes feeling traumatized by what he witnessed at the hospital and the behavior she presented with at the time. He is still having nightmares about it especially since we have made a lot of changes in our relationship with her as a result of what we went through. I wish we had sought more help immediately following the incident to help us, and especially him, process what happened in a healthy way.

But nonetheless, I know we made the right decision, and I believe that you did too. I am sorry that you are going through this, but you are not alone. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Turkish
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« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2020, 12:14:05 AM »

From the Legal board, this is something to consider.

If you are thinking to use this This, I would strongly suggest that you dial up a  relative and let them deal with it.

A a third party called-in suicide call is going to result in cops with guns being dispatched. It is very different than when a person calls a suicide hotline and they are talked into surrendering to police for help.

In this day and age, the priority on a third party called-in suicide call is to prevent innocent bystanders and police from getting shot. The increase of suicide by cop has the police jumpy.

You don't want anyone to charge you with making a false call to get even.

If you call a family member, they will call her, she will likely pick up the phone, and they can sort it out.

Killed on a suicide call...


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