Digging into the past

[Swiggle]

So I mentioned in another post a glimpse of my past. I believe deep down there is more to it that I just cannot remember. I have limited memories as a child and some are what I would consider strange for that age.  Is it even possible to unlock deep memories, if they exist?

[Harri]

Yes, it is possible.  I've done it and I know others who have.  I would recommend working with a therapist though, certainly at the beginning. 

One thing I do know is that you can't force yourself to remember.  Things will come to the forefront of your mind when you are ready to see them. 

[Swiggle]

I've been seeing a T since my divorce back in 2010. She knows of my past and I have connected many dots between my past and choices I've made as an adult and the reasons why. We've talked about my childhood on the surface, with many details but we ahve not "focused" on that. I feel like there is more I'm not remembering but wonder if I'm looking for something that may not be there?

I know you can't just remember but what kind of things can I do to help. I do feel like i'm ready, it feels like there are some pieces to the puzzle that are missing... .if that makes sense?

[gentlestguardian]

Yes it's possible. For me, the more I actively I thought about "unlocking memories" and willed those repressed memories into my consciousness, the less the memories came. But I've done and been doing a lot of different writing exercises that have brought up a lot of memories organically. One of them was to simply jot down 3 milestones that I could remember from each year of my childhood. I found once I started recalling the where/when/whats of each childhood year, other related experiences and memories pretty freely started rolling in. I also made an Excel sheet (yah, I know... .) of each school year, what age I was, any related historical events that happened during that year (I found that to trigger a few memories as well), and the specific place of residence I was living in at the time. It's like a catalog of my life, I guess.

I do think that the memories won't come until you're ready to really deal with them or have found the proper context in which to place them.

[Swiggle]

Talked to my T about this. She explained the good and the bad and that my brain will let me remember when I'm ready. She wants me to do a timeline of memories that I recall. She said to only work on it for 5 min at a time. To monitor myself closely and if I feel anxiety, stress, lose sleep or appetite to take a few days off. It was really hard to put in writing the memories I have in my head. It's like having them written makes them not my own anymore. I was scared to write the words.

[MyLifeNow]

I'm the same way. It's as if my life only started around the beginning of high school. Prior to then everything is super murky. It still is, but I was able to bring up a whole pile of lost memories by focusing on the negative feelings I was trying to understand and trying to remember times in my childhood that I felt that way. I think the common link of the emotion helped me to reconnect with those memories.

When I realized what was happening I grabbed a notebook and started writing down all the abusive things that were done to me. Mostly as general classes of events, but more specific for particularly noteworthy examples. I wound up filling an entire page with very small print. Many months later when I was finally ready to start looking at the negative core beliefs behind my self defeating behaviors that list was a huge help, since I could refer to it to see common trends in thinking without getting emotionally drawn into the memories themselves.