How do you cope when they're very depressed?

[Cat Familiar]

My husband's face really lets me know his state of mind. When he's happy, he looks radiant and glowing and has a smile that can light up a room. But when he's depressed, that smile turns upside down and he looks like a mopey hound dog. He will hang his head and when asked questions, give one word answers.

I know he doesn't behave this way around others, just me. He will immediately snap out of it and become his cheerful persona when he's around someone else. He used to act in plays when he was in school, so I think he dramatizes his depression, just so I'll notice.

Sometimes I ignore it, but it's awfully hard to be around. And when I just go do the things I enjoy (for my mental health), he thinks I have no interest in being around him. That's very true when he's in that state. It's just terribly frustrating to try to talk to someone who refuses to say much of anything.

I try to be compassionate, but I have my limits. And asking him what he's thinking or feeling usually yields, "Nothing" or "I don't know." I used to believe that he was hiding something from me, but I'm starting to think that he actually doesn't know what he's feeling other than it's bad.

Anyone have any suggestions on coping strategies?

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[vortex of confusion]

What is it that you want to do specifically?

Do you want to try to connect with him when he is in that state? Do you want to get better at not letting it get to you? A mix of that depending on how you are feeling?

I know that for me, when I am feeling down, I hate it when somebody asks me what is wrong and starts to probe. What I want from my partner is for him to give me a hug or sit with me and be with me in silence. He is a talker and if I don't want to talk, he thinks that I am rejecting him. I share that in case your husband is like that too. If you are wanting to connect with him, do something other than asking him what is wrong.

As far as not letting it get to you, I am short on ideas for that as I find it very difficult to get through days when my husband is feeling "off" because it seems to cast a shadow on everything and everyone. I hope I can get some ideas too!

[Grey Kitty]

I try to be compassionate, but I have my limits. And asking him what he's thinking or feeling usually yields, "Nothing" or "I don't know." I used to believe that he was hiding something from me, but I'm starting to think that he actually doesn't know what he's feeling other than it's bad.

Probing to find out what he's feeling obviously doesn't work with him. It doesn't even matter whether he knows and doesn't want to share, or doesn't know. Just stop it.

Have you tried validating that he looks really down / depressed, without inquiring about what or why?

I think that reassuring him that you CARE how he feels is the best thing you can do.

You know him... .will he respond better to a non-verbal version (like a hug), or verbal validation?



Not letting it get to you? Doesn't work that way. Accept that you do have all sorts of feelings when he acts depressed. You may be feeling compassion. You may be afraid that he's going to blow up at you. You may just feel exhausted from dealing with him. Don't try to argue yourself out of the feelings.

You can take action to protect yourself and manage your own mood--if his depression is getting to you, find someplace else to be or something else to do, or somebody else to be with / talk to that will be uplifting and enjoyable to you... .or at least safe for you to experience your own feelings!

When you return later, you may find that his mood has changed. Or that you aren't feeling reactive toward it and can be compassionate. Or you may find that you need more space away from it.

[Cat Familiar]

What is it that you want to do specifically?

Do you want to try to connect with him when he is in that state? Do you want to get better at not letting it get to you? A mix of that depending on how you are feeling?

I know that for me, when I am feeling down, I hate it when somebody asks me what is wrong and starts to probe. What I want from my partner is for him to give me a hug or sit with me and be with me in silence. He is a talker and if I don't want to talk, he thinks that I am rejecting him. I share that in case your husband is like that too. If you are wanting to connect with him, do something other than asking him what is wrong.

As far as not letting it get to you, I am short on ideas for that as I find it very difficult to get through days when my husband is feeling "off" because it seems to cast a shadow on everything and everyone. I hope I can get some ideas too!

Thanks, Vortex. You're absolutely right--I also hate being "probed" when I'm down. (palm meet forehead )

There are times I do want to try to connect with him when he's in that state of misery. I realize that I was the "family cheerleader" in my FOO--trying to distract my parents from fighting, being goofy so that people would laugh. I feel totally useless and helpless now because there's nothing I've been able to do to "distract" him from his misery.

And when he's "down" it truly sucks the life energy out of the room. All I want to do is be away from him.

[Cat Familiar]

Probing to find out what he's feeling obviously doesn't work with him. It doesn't even matter whether he knows and doesn't want to share, or doesn't know. Just stop it.

Have you tried validating that he looks really down / depressed, without inquiring about what or why?

I think that reassuring him that you CARE how he feels is the best thing you can do.

You know him... .will he respond better to a non-verbal version (like a hug), or verbal validation?



Not letting it get to you? Doesn't work that way. Accept that you do have all sorts of feelings when he acts depressed. You may be feeling compassion. You may be afraid that he's going to blow up at you. You may just feel exhausted from dealing with him. Don't try to argue yourself out of the feelings.

You can take action to protect yourself and manage your own mood--if his depression is getting to you, find someplace else to be or something else to do, or somebody else to be with / talk to that will be uplifting and enjoyable to you... .or at least safe for you to experience your own feelings!

When you return later, you may find that his mood has changed. Or that you aren't feeling reactive toward it and can be compassionate. Or you may find that you need more space away from it.

Thank you, Grey Kitty. I can't believe that I've kept doing the same thing--the probing--without realizing how totally ineffective it is. OK, now I totally get how obnoxious that must be to be on the receiving end of my questioning.

I've tried validating that he looks down or depressed. But I have yet to try doing that without doing the probing. YIKES! 

He's a difficult one in so many ways. Sometimes when I just try to validate--just observe something about him, he thinks I'm criticizing him. "Now what am I doing wrong?" he'll ask me. I pledge no followup questions. It's second nature for me to ask questions--I worked as a journalist for a while and I'm just naturally curious. But I will quit asking.

When he's in "that state" and I try hugging him, it's like hugging a cardboard box if he stands still. Or when he seems uncomfortable with being hugged and pulls away, it's reminiscent of when I was a child and an elderly aunt with halitosis and stinky perfume tried to wrap me in her arms--totally invalidating for me to even try to give him affection.

I do take care of myself through being with friends with whom I can completely and comfortably be myself, hanging out with my animals, doing things I enjoy. The problem is that I'm so good at doing that, it triggers his fears that I don't want to spend time with him--which is often true.

I guess my question is how to manage my own feelings of discomfort with him in the evenings--other than doing my own thing. We often watch TV--he watches it hours a day, but I probably watch at most an hour at night with him, not every night. He grumbles because I'm so picky about what I watch--but I'd much rather do something else than watch mindless stuff. Then sometimes when I'm really paying attention to a show, he's upset because he thinks I'm not with him.   

[vortex of confusion]

There are times I do want to try to connect with him when he's in that state of misery. I realize that I was the "family cheerleader" in my FOO--trying to distract my parents from fighting, being goofy so that people would laugh. I feel totally useless and helpless now because there's nothing I've been able to do to "distract" him from his misery.

Maybe he doesn't want to be distracted from his misery! 

In all seriousness, I am seeing a pattern in myself and in other people on the boards. A lot of the things that we complain about with regards to our spouses are some of the same things that we are doing to them. One of my complaints is that my husband doesn't seem comfortable with letting me feel my feelings. If your husband is down, let him be down. No need to question him or try to distract him from his misery. If you are feeling strong enough and are in a good place, try to find ways to let him know that he can feel his feelings without you trying to be the cheer leader.

[Cat Familiar]

Maybe he doesn't want to be distracted from his misery! 

In all seriousness, I am seeing a pattern in myself and in other people on the boards. A lot of the things that we complain about with regards to our spouses are some of the same things that we are doing to them. One of my complaints is that my husband doesn't seem comfortable with letting me feel my feelings. If your husband is down, let him be down. No need to question him or try to distract him from his misery. If you are feeling strong enough and are in a good place, try to find ways to let him know that he can feel his feelings without you trying to be the cheer leader.

This is a good theory. He certainly spends a lot of time being down and looks for things to feel down about. I guess I will start accepting that and just letting him be without trying to make things better. (One less thing for me to be responsible for.  )

The funny thing is on those rare moments when I'm down (I'm typically Little Miss Sunshine)--he goes into cross-examination mode and won't give it a rest until I talk about it.

[Grey Kitty]

I guess my question is how to manage my own feelings of discomfort with him in the evenings--other than doing my own thing.

Managing your feelings is solving the wrong problem. You don't manage them. You either experience them... .feel them. Or you avoid them.

You should choose or manage your actions--that is very different.

For example... .you feel uncomfortable with his depression. So you probe him to find the reason for his depression in an attempt to 'fix' his depression.

Your action doesn't do anything good for his depression or for your relationship.

However, it DOES allow you to avoid the original feeling of discomfort--now you are feeling hurt and rejected because of how he responded to your probing!

I'm offering you a few different approaches:

1. Sit with your feeling of discomfort, without trying to fix anything.

2. Look for compassion without judgement. (What you said you haven't tried)

You can try the verbal validation.

You say hugging him is like hugging a board; he probably isn't eager for it. You could ask "Would you like a hug?" or "Would you like to cuddle?" and then honor his request. Perhaps he will hear the request as a demand, and react badly. If so, think about how you presented it.

If you sincerely want to show him you care about exactly what he is feeling right now, and don't need to fix anything... .you take your cues from how he responds, and if he doesn't properly receive what you are offering, it isn't his fault, nor is it your fault. It is, however not achieving what you are trying to do, so keep looking for a better way!

3. Remove yourself from the uncomfortable situation... .before you take a harmful action [above example]

This is all about being mindful of yourself and your own feelings. Which is very hard and subtle work. 

[vortex of confusion]

This is a good theory. He certainly spends a lot of time being down and looks for things to feel down about. I guess I will start accepting that and just letting him be without trying to make things better. (One less thing for me to be responsible for.  )

Exactly! I know I have to take a step back and remind myself that I am not responsible for his feelings or his behavior. It sounds so obvious but I sure as heck don't act or feel like it sometimes. And, if it isn't my responsibility, then why does it bug me? I have that conversation with myself all the time.

The funny thing is on those rare moments when I'm down (I'm typically Little Miss Sunshine)--he goes into cross-examination mode and won't give it a rest until I talk about it.

Yep! Same here. I will announce to everyone in the house when my cycle comes to give them all fair warning. I will tell him and it seems like not long after he will start in with the "what's wrong" stuff.

[ColdEthyl]

@Cat, my husband will have days like that too. I usually just do my own thing, and pay no mind to it. It does make me uncomfortable because I want to DO something about it, but I cannot.

I do not even ask him what's wrong. All I do is look at him in the eye and say "Hun, I know something's bothering you, and I wish I could make you not feel badly. I am here for you if you want to talk about it. I love you" and that's it. That's the only time I acknowledge it. He will usually be quiet and moody the rest of the evening, and I leave him alone. From time to time, I'll make a comment about something I read, ask him if he wants something to drink... .and I do it with a smile on my face.

Usually the next day or two he will break the silence and talk to me about whatever it was. He has told me before that he likes to have time to maul over what's bothering him in his head for awhile. He appreciates me giving him that time and not bugging him. In the past, I used to do the exact same thing. I'm a fixer, I'm a doer. I like to stare a problem in the face and deal with it or come up with a plan of action. He likes to hide. HUGE difference

[Cat Familiar]

This is a good theory. He certainly spends a lot of time being down and looks for things to feel down about. I guess I will start accepting that and just letting him be without trying to make things better. (One less thing for me to be responsible for.  )

Exactly! I know I have to take a step back and remind myself that I am not responsible for his feelings or his behavior. It sounds so obvious but I sure as heck don't act or feel like it sometimes. And, if it isn't my responsibility, then why does it bug me? I have that conversation with myself all the time.

The funny thing is on those rare moments when I'm down (I'm typically Little Miss Sunshine)--he goes into cross-examination mode and won't give it a rest until I talk about it.

Yep! Same here. I will announce to everyone in the house when my cycle comes to give them all fair warning. I will tell him and it seems like not long after he will start in with the "what's wrong" stuff.

I'm so glad that I'm doing therapy in conjunction with the opportunity to get such good support on this board. I'm really seeing how FOO stuff (having had an uBPD mother) has set me up in life-long automatic patterns that I'm so used to doing, I don't even notice them.

It never occurred to me not to ask the "What's wrong?" question. I thought that if you love someone, that's a way to demonstrate that you care. But when turned around on me, I realize that it can be incredibly uncomfortable and intrusive.

Wow. I wonder how many more of these automatic programs I'm compulsively doing without awareness... .

[ColdEthyl]

This is a good theory. He certainly spends a lot of time being down and looks for things to feel down about. I guess I will start accepting that and just letting him be without trying to make things better. (One less thing for me to be responsible for.  )

Exactly! I know I have to take a step back and remind myself that I am not responsible for his feelings or his behavior. It sounds so obvious but I sure as heck don't act or feel like it sometimes. And, if it isn't my responsibility, then why does it bug me? I have that conversation with myself all the time.

The funny thing is on those rare moments when I'm down (I'm typically Little Miss Sunshine)--he goes into cross-examination mode and won't give it a rest until I talk about it.

Yep! Same here. I will announce to everyone in the house when my cycle comes to give them all fair warning. I will tell him and it seems like not long after he will start in with the "what's wrong" stuff.

I'm so glad that I'm doing therapy in conjunction with the opportunity to get such good support on this board. I'm really seeing how FOO stuff (having had an uBPD mother) has set me up in life-long automatic patterns that I'm so used to doing, I don't even notice them.

It never occurred to me not to ask the "What's wrong?" question. I thought that if you love someone, that's a way to demonstrate that you care. But when turned around on me, I realize that it can be incredibly uncomfortable and intrusive.

Wow. I wonder how many more of these automatic programs I'm compulsively doing without awareness... .

@cat the conversation with my husband last night had him telling me how he thinks the reason i react the way I do is because of my upbringing and he brought up examples... .the dude is so in-tune with me but he can't seem himself. Silly. At the same time... .I couldn't see MYSELF.

It's good that you are seeing some of this, and it's good for me. And I must say I am just so glad for you people. It's so helpful for me to have these talks it refreshes me. I'm learning about myself as well as BPD!

[Cat Familiar]

@Cat, my husband will have days like that too. I usually just do my own thing, and pay no mind to it. It does make me uncomfortable because I want to DO something about it, but I cannot.

I do not even ask him what's wrong. All I do is look at him in the eye and say "Hun, I know something's bothering you, and I wish I could make you not feel badly. I am here for you if you want to talk about it. I love you" and that's it. That's the only time I acknowledge it. He will usually be quiet and moody the rest of the evening, and I leave him alone. From time to time, I'll make a comment about something I read, ask him if he wants something to drink... .and I do it with a smile on my face.

Usually the next day or two he will break the silence and talk to me about whatever it was. He has told me before that he likes to have time to maul over what's bothering him in his head for awhile. He appreciates me giving him that time and not bugging him. In the past, I used to do the exact same thing. I'm a fixer, I'm a doer. I like to stare a problem in the face and deal with it or come up with a plan of action. He likes to hide. HUGE difference

I like how you validate it and acknowledge your feelings, while giving him an opportunity to talk whenever he wants and demonstrating that you love him and care about him.

I'm a fixer too--and a thinker, rather than a feeler. I want to tackle things head on and if I'm upset, I always know what it's about--I may not have all the details worked out, but I do that actively, rather than passively wait to understand things. It's a very different mindset and I've got to remember that my husband thinks (and feels) very differently from the way I do.

[ColdEthyl]

@Cat, my husband will have days like that too. I usually just do my own thing, and pay no mind to it. It does make me uncomfortable because I want to DO something about it, but I cannot.

I do not even ask him what's wrong. All I do is look at him in the eye and say "Hun, I know something's bothering you, and I wish I could make you not feel badly. I am here for you if you want to talk about it. I love you" and that's it. That's the only time I acknowledge it. He will usually be quiet and moody the rest of the evening, and I leave him alone. From time to time, I'll make a comment about something I read, ask him if he wants something to drink... .and I do it with a smile on my face.

Usually the next day or two he will break the silence and talk to me about whatever it was. He has told me before that he likes to have time to maul over what's bothering him in his head for awhile. He appreciates me giving him that time and not bugging him. In the past, I used to do the exact same thing. I'm a fixer, I'm a doer. I like to stare a problem in the face and deal with it or come up with a plan of action. He likes to hide. HUGE difference

I like how you validate it and acknowledge your feelings, while giving him an opportunity to talk whenever he wants and demonstrating that you love him and care about him.

I'm a fixer too--and a thinker, rather than a feeler. I want to tackle things head on and if I'm upset, I always know what it's about--I may not have all the details worked out, but I do that actively, rather than passively wait to understand things. It's a very different mindset and I've got to remember that my husband thinks (and feels) very differently from the way I do.

It's a very hard lesson. I'm still learning, too. We are all learning together <3

[Cat Familiar]

@cat the conversation with my husband last night had him telling me how he thinks the reason i react the way I do is because of my upbringing and he brought up examples... .the dude is so in-tune with me but he can't seem himself. Silly. At the same time... .I couldn't see MYSELF.

It's good that you are seeing some of this, and it's good for me. And I must say I am just so glad for you people. It's so helpful for me to have these talks it refreshes me. I'm learning about myself as well as BPD!

Yes, the blessing in disguise for having to deal with a pwBPD is that we get the opportunity to examine ourselves more deeply than if things are going smoothly with our partners.

I find it really funny that when I've taken those online personality disorder tests, and I've tried three different ones, I get the same result: off the charts for OCD and higher than average for narcissism.

I can really see the OCD, although I had relatives who demonstrated it much more profoundly with perfect Martha Stewart-ish lives. I certainly come nowhere close to that, nor do I do the weird sanitizing door knobs kind of behavior nor the other goofy counting stuff or obsessive hand washing. But the other day when I was balancing my checkbook, I wondered why I needed to do it "to the penny" and look for a mistake that gave me 13 cents more than the bank thought I had. There's my OCD. It was a relief to say fuhgeddaboudit.

Now, as to the narcissism, that's truly an embarrassment to realize how self-obsessed I can be that I can be oblivious to social cues. I used to think that narcissists were only people that thought they were so great, not people who had self esteem issues like I had growing up. But now I realize that narcissistic traits are found in people who are too self-focused and self-preoccupied. Oops. Guilty as charged.

[ColdEthyl]

@cat the conversation with my husband last night had him telling me how he thinks the reason i react the way I do is because of my upbringing and he brought up examples... .the dude is so in-tune with me but he can't seem himself. Silly. At the same time... .I couldn't see MYSELF.

It's good that you are seeing some of this, and it's good for me. And I must say I am just so glad for you people. It's so helpful for me to have these talks it refreshes me. I'm learning about myself as well as BPD!

Yes, the blessing in disguise for having to deal with a pwBPD is that we get the opportunity to examine ourselves more deeply than if things are going smoothly with our partners.

I find it really funny that when I've taken those online personality disorder tests, and I've tried three different ones, I get the same result: off the charts for OCD and higher than average for narcissism.

I can really see the OCD, although I had relatives who demonstrated it much more profoundly with perfect Martha Stewart-ish lives. I certainly come nowhere close to that, nor do I do the weird sanitizing door knobs kind of behavior nor the other goofy counting stuff or obsessive hand washing. But the other day when I was balancing my checkbook, I wondered why I needed to do it "to the penny" and look for a mistake that gave me 13 cents more than the bank thought I had. There's my OCD. It was a relief to say fuhgeddaboudit.

Now, as to the narcissism, that's truly an embarrassment to realize how self-obsessed I can be that I can be oblivious to social cues. I used to think that narcissists were only people that thought they were so great, not people who had self esteem issues like I had growing up. But now I realize that narcissistic traits are found in people who are too self-focused and self-preoccupied. Oops. Guilty as charged.

Haha yep! I don't have OCD, but I do have general anxiety disorder and narcissism myself. I'm pretty embarrassed to say I think I'm smarter than a lot of people, which is a pretty crappy and conceited thing to think. What I've been working on with my T is self-esteem issues. I used to think the same thing about narcissists that you do. As it turns out, I most likely prop my own self up so much because I don't believe in my own value, and I did not have sufficient support as a child. So, I try taking care of everyone myself and everything BY myself.  I am also extremely self-absorbed. /sigh

[Cat Familiar]

Haha yep! I don't have OCD, but I do have general anxiety disorder and narcissism myself. I'm pretty embarrassed to say I think I'm smarter than a lot of people, which is a pretty crappy and conceited thing to think. What I've been working on with my T is self-esteem issues. I used to think the same thing about narcissists that you do. As it turns out, I most likely prop my own self up so much because I don't believe in my own value, and I did not have sufficient support as a child. So, I try taking care of everyone myself and everything BY myself.  I am also extremely self-absorbed. /sigh

"I'm pretty embarrassed to say I think I'm smarter than a lot of people, which is a pretty crappy and conceited thing to think."  Not if it's true!  

[Cat Familiar]

I think a lot of us who grew up with critical parents developed self-esteem issues and because we were so unrelentingly criticized and analyzed and dissected, we developed some narcissistic tendencies. When your behavior is such the focal point of your parents, it disempowers you and at the same time, makes you believe that everyone is looking at you and analyzing your behavior, appearance, and what you say.

And then when the trivial things we do are given way too much importance by our parents, we may feel like we're supposed to take responsibility for more than our share. I think that intense parental focus helped me become a good student, but it also made me feel like I was supposed to be in charge when other people weren't being as responsible as I thought they should be.

I don't know if that last paragraph makes sense to anyone but me.

[ColdEthyl]

Haha yep! I don't have OCD, but I do have general anxiety disorder and narcissism myself. I'm pretty embarrassed to say I think I'm smarter than a lot of people, which is a pretty crappy and conceited thing to think. What I've been working on with my T is self-esteem issues. I used to think the same thing about narcissists that you do. As it turns out, I most likely prop my own self up so much because I don't believe in my own value, and I did not have sufficient support as a child. So, I try taking care of everyone myself and everything BY myself.  I am also extremely self-absorbed. /sigh

"I'm pretty embarrassed to say I think I'm smarter than a lot of people, which is a pretty crappy and conceited thing to think."  Not if it's true!  

It's true in the sense that I have a high IQ, but I'm aware that it kind of makes me a jerk. I tend to be highly critical of people and hold them to standards they probably cannot accomplish.

I think a lot of us who grew up with critical parents developed self-esteem issues and because we were so unrelentingly criticized and analyzed and dissected, we developed some narcissistic tendencies. When your behavior is such the focal point of your parents, it disempowers you and at the same time, makes you believe that everyone is looking at you and analyzing your behavior, appearance, and what you say.

And then when the trivial things we do are given way too much importance by our parents, we may feel like we're supposed to take responsibility for more than our share. I think that intense parental focus helped me become a good student, but it also made me feel like I was supposed to be in charge when other people weren't being as responsible as I thought they should be.

I don't know if that last paragraph makes sense to anyone but me.

Oh no, it makes perfect sense. For me, my parents were the opposite. I was ignored. I was "there". I was an overachiever. I was a straight A student and taking college courses in 10th grade. I think a lot of it was I wanted my parent's approval, but part of it is just who I am, too

[Cat Familiar]

It's true in the sense that I have a high IQ, but I'm aware that it kind of makes me a jerk. I tend to be highly critical of people and hold them to standards they probably cannot accomplish.

For me, my parents were the opposite. I was ignored. I was "there". I was an overachiever. I was a straight A student and taking college courses in 10th grade. I think a lot of it was I wanted my parent's approval, but part of it is just who I am, too

Oh, we would have been best friends in high school. I was in the "overachiever's club"--not too many members then because most of my friends were too busy trying to develop their social skills while I was busy being a nerd. For me it was a case of "when your only tool is a hammer, you treat the world as a nail." School was the only thing I was good at. It would have been nice to have a more balanced life then... .

[ColdEthyl]

It's true in the sense that I have a high IQ, but I'm aware that it kind of makes me a jerk. I tend to be highly critical of people and hold them to standards they probably cannot accomplish.

For me, my parents were the opposite. I was ignored. I was "there". I was an overachiever. I was a straight A student and taking college courses in 10th grade. I think a lot of it was I wanted my parent's approval, but part of it is just who I am, too

Oh, we would have been best friends in high school. I was in the "overachiever's club"--not too many members then because most of my friends were too busy trying to develop their social skills while I was busy being a nerd. For me it was a case of "when your only tool is a hammer, you treat the world as a nail." School was the only thing I was good at. It would have been nice to have a more balanced life then... .

It actually gives me problems now. My D14 is soo not like me. She's nerdy, but into art and anime, her friends and boys. Her grades and are just barely scraping by. I've had to ground her from things to get her to do homework. It's not that she's stupid, but she just doesn't do the work.

For a person like me... .I cannot even begin to understand that. Your work is a reflection of who you are. How in the heck do you just... .not do it? How can she sleep at night?

I'm an overachiever at work. I frequently put my foot in my mouth at work by offering to do more, to take over projects myself and put the responsibility on me. That way, it's going to get done right. I don't really get recognition for it which irks me.

[Wrongturn1]

The funny thing is on those rare moments when I'm down (I'm typically Little Miss Sunshine)--he goes into cross-examination mode and won't give it a rest until I talk about it.

Cat:  Ugh, I know exactly what you are talking about.  95+ percent of the time, I'm upbeat and positive, but if my mood so much as turns neutral, then uBPDw goes into full inquisition/interrogation/cross-examination mode insisting that I tell her what the problem is.  Most of the time, I'm not even upset, really just neutral - until her interrogation starts, then I tend to get angry with her over her unnecessary BPD cross-examination tactics. 

If I don't come up with a reason for "what's wrong", then she is likely to fly off the handle into full dysregulation mode with accusations, emotional abuse, and/or suicidal ideation.  If the "what's wrong" happens to be something she did, she might skip straight to the suicidal ideation.  Blah.

[Cat Familiar]

The funny thing is on those rare moments when I'm down (I'm typically Little Miss Sunshine)--he goes into cross-examination mode and won't give it a rest until I talk about it.

Cat:  Ugh, I know exactly what you are talking about.  95+ percent of the time, I'm upbeat and positive, but if my mood so much as turns neutral, then uBPDw goes into full inquisition/interrogation/cross-examination mode insisting that I tell her what the problem is.  Most of the time, I'm not even upset, really just neutral - until her interrogation starts, then I tend to get angry with her over her unnecessary BPD cross-examination tactics. 

If I don't come up with a reason for "what's wrong", then she is likely to fly off the handle into full dysregulation mode with accusations, emotional abuse, and/or suicidal ideation.  If the "what's wrong" happens to be something she did, she might skip straight to the suicidal ideation.  Blah.

It's amazing how predictable they are about some things. Fortunately I don't get the suicidal ideation. His issue is more about saying he's a bad person if I say anything that can be taken as a criticism. Even if I disagree if he asks me if I think the sunset has a magenta tone and I say it's more cinnabar (not that we say this, but just as a trivial example), he might think I was being critical.

[Wrongturn1]

anything that can be taken as a criticism. Even if I disagree if he asks me if I think the sunset has a magenta tone and I say it's more cinnabar (not that we say this, but just as a trivial example), he might think I was being critical.

Hahaha, that's a pretty hilarious example of how different interpretations of a sunset could lead to a blowout if you're not careful... .only in BPD-land!   

[Cat Familiar]

After weeks of glumness (is that even a word?) I've recently seen a smile cross my husband's lips.

Thanks to the support here, I've tried to extinguish my knee-jerk impulse to try to "fix" things and make him feel better. I realize that I really dislike being around someone who is "actively" depressed--it's almost like he's being so dramatic with his expression that it's aggressive.

Case in point: the other night he didn't like the dinner I had prepared (he told me later). At the table, he quit eating and hung his head, sitting there silently for several minutes. He only responded to my questions with one word answers.

In my world this equals a$$hole behavior. It's fine if he doesn't like the food I prepare, but the drama I can do without. Whatever--this is BPD-land (love there term, Wrongturn1!)

[ColdEthyl]

After weeks of glumness (is that even a word?) I've recently seen a smile cross my husband's lips.

Thanks to the support here, I've tried to extinguish my knee-jerk impulse to try to "fix" things and make him feel better. I realize that I really dislike being around someone who is "actively" depressed--it's almost like he's being so dramatic with his expression that it's aggressive.

Case in point: the other night he didn't like the dinner I had prepared (he told me later). At the table, he quit eating and hung his head, sitting there silently for several minutes. He only responded to my questions with one word answers.

In my world this equals a$$hole behavior. It's fine if he doesn't like the food I prepare, but the drama I can do without. Whatever--this is BPD-land (love there term, Wrongturn1!)

I love the word BPDland too!

Oh I got one! I got one!

Last night, we were getting ready for bed and we usually put the dog at the foot of the bed between us with his feet facing off the bed so he doesn't kick us all night. If the dog had his way... .he'd sleep curled up in my butt all night. Not joke.

The dog slept on my butt the night before. I didn't move him because I was exhausted. Well, right before we lay down (he loves to complain right before bed) he states how he slept horribly the night before because the dog pushed me over to his side of the bed... .and why... .he was just half hanging off! AND! There's this rough spot on the mattress that he had to curl around!

He makes this statement every time the dog sleeps on me. No... .he's not hanging off of the bed... .ever. rofl

[Cat Familiar]

I love the word BPDland too!

Oh I got one! I got one!

Last night, we were getting ready for bed and we usually put the dog at the foot of the bed between us with his feet facing off the bed so he doesn't kick us all night. If the dog had his way... .he'd sleep curled up in my butt all night. Not joke.

The dog slept on my butt the night before. I didn't move him because I was exhausted. Well, right before we lay down (he loves to complain right before bed) he states how he slept horribly the night before because the dog pushed me over to his side of the bed... .and why... .he was just half hanging off! AND! There's this rough spot on the mattress that he had to curl around!

He makes this statement every time the dog sleeps on me. No... .he's not hanging off of the bed... .ever. rofl

Oh, this is familiar territory!

On the few occasions that my husband sleeps in the same bed with me, typically a cat or two will accompany us. He's always complaining that the cat and I push him to the edge of the bed and that he is hanging off. When he does that, I'll look at exactly where we are in relationship to the middle of the bed and usually he will have just as much room as I do.

[ColdEthyl]

I love the word BPDland too!

Oh I got one! I got one!

Last night, we were getting ready for bed and we usually put the dog at the foot of the bed between us with his feet facing off the bed so he doesn't kick us all night. If the dog had his way... .he'd sleep curled up in my butt all night. Not joke.

The dog slept on my butt the night before. I didn't move him because I was exhausted. Well, right before we lay down (he loves to complain right before bed) he states how he slept horribly the night before because the dog pushed me over to his side of the bed... .and why... .he was just half hanging off! AND! There's this rough spot on the mattress that he had to curl around!

He makes this statement every time the dog sleeps on me. No... .he's not hanging off of the bed... .ever. rofl

Oh, this is familiar territory!

On the few occasions that my husband sleeps in the same bed with me, typically a cat or two will accompany us. He's always complaining that the cat and I push him to the edge of the bed and that he is hanging off. When he does that, I'll look at exactly where we are in relationship to the middle of the bed and usually he will have just as much room as I do.

WOW! I always look too and it's NOT happening! what the heck maybe he's... .kind of jealous of the dog?

[Cat Familiar]

WOW! I always look too and it's NOT happening! what the heck maybe he's... .kind of jealous of the dog?

Yep. That's what I think it is. (I get along better with the cats than with him.)

[ColdEthyl]

WOW! I always look too and it's NOT happening! what the heck maybe he's... .kind of jealous of the dog?

Yep. That's what I think it is. (I get along better with the cats than with him.)

He always brings up when he brought the dog home (we saw him wandering the streets on my way to work he stopped to save him) that he thought he would be his dog but he took to me because I "use puppy dog voice and talk to him like a baby" and then he's quick to say he doesn't mind. The fact that he says this over and over tells me he does mind.

I am a dog person and I tried to tell him dogs love me. /shrug