guilty parenting

[canuck13]

Hi, my oldest daughter has been recently diagnosed with BPD ... .She has had several suicide attempts in the past few years, she is a "cutter", has numerous addictions and very promiscuous (sp?).   I have 2 younger daughters who are 10 and 16, and they are a parents dream to manage.   I just dont know how to manage my frustration/hurt/anger with the terrible decisions my daughter makes.  Every bf she has is in some sort of illegal activity, abuse alchol/drugs/ abuse her, it has been a nightmare... .every mothers worst nightmare! when she is good she is wonderful and I am her best friend, when she is not doing so well she hates me and wants me to die (literally... .she leaves notes around the house 'I HOPE YOU DIE!).   WHy do i feel so guilty for always being frustrated with her, she is 21 now and still seems like my 5 year old daughter... .I love her so much but i have to admit i dread those rages and texts about how she hates her life and wants to die... .

feeling heartbroken in Canada

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello canuck13, and 

It must be very tough to be dealing with your adult daughter (at least she is legally). Her behaviors do sound frustrating to say the least, and dealing with her suicide attempts and other harmful behaviors sound very painful. Why do you think you feel guilty being frustrated with her? Is it because you've been trying everything that you can think of, but she isn't changing?

That she is recently diagnosed is a great first step. Sadly, pwBPD (people with BPD) aren't often given an official Dx until something so drastic as a suicide attempt, and sometimes not even then.

Though you've been caretakng as a momma her whole life, the BPD Dx now gives you a baseline from which to start fresh. We have a lot of resources here, not to mention members who will support you, from which to learn.

The lessons/Family Connections banner to the right of this board is a great place to start, especially the communication tools. Validating a pwBPD can go a long way towards calming her stormy and confusing emotions. It takes practice, but we can help.

I hope to hear more how we can help, and please keep us updated, canuck13!

Take Care,

Turkish

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, canuck13, and I'd like to join Turkish in welcoming you to this site. There are so many other posters on this Board who are where you are now, or have been in the past. You are in the right place!

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, mentioned by Turkish? Something else to check out are the Feature Articles (also found under the 4 photos at the top of the Parenting Board's thread listing page). One of those Articles, especially, would help you with the guilt you are feeling: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).

We would love to hear more of your story, canuk13, and what you think of the information provided... .Please continue to post, ask your questions, and read, read, read all you can; we want to help 

[MammaMia]

canuck

As parents who have protected our children from the day they were born, it is hard to not feel guilty when they disappoint us, intentionally hurt us, and self-harm.  We need to remember above all else, that they are mentally ill, and BPD is a devastating disorder over which we have no control.  

The best thing you can do to minimize your frustration is to learn about BPD.  The next step is to learn how to protect yourself from the pain caused by this disorder.  Once you understand why your child acts this way and that they have no voluntary control, it is much easier to accept some of their behavior.  Having said that, boundaries are very important as are tools to try to anticipate and minimize the damage they cause.

Bpd is the result of a dysfunctional brain that twists and turns everything around.  The perceptions of a pwBPD are not normal and never will be.  This is a very complex disorder, and it often co-exists with other mental issues like depression, paranoia, anxiety, and OCD, to name a few.

We all need to get over our "guilt trip" and focus on what we can do to help.  There are many causes for BPD that do not relate to parenting skills.  While it is natural for us to assume BPD is the result of something we have done, that assumption is often totally off-base.  Our minds tell us there HAS to be a reason, when, in fact, there is none.  

We are all here on BPDF because there is comfort in knowing others are experiencing exactly what we are.  We get it.  People outside our families, who have not seen BPD up close and personal, are not able to grasp what we are dealing with.  We need each other for support, and we are so glad you have found this site.

Learn about the disorder.  Stop looking for blame.  Focus on techniques that help. We will do our best to share our knowledge and support.

You are so welcome here.  Thank you for joining us.