Unbelievable-reconnecting after a year, then MIA

[wdone]

I am so disheartened and surprised. 

My exuBPD sent me a text saying he had left town a year ago. I was devastated and tried to move on.

We reconnected this past November and have had a few 2-3 hour phone conversations, and many texts.  He talked seriously about marrying me and me going to visit, and we talked about when I might move, and he brought up tools we may use and how it would work out with family and other details.  He seemed, and truly was, so connected and loving, and both of us deeply in love with each other and excited and missing each other and longing to see each other. 

He literally called off the trip one day a 2-3 weeks ago (at my prompting questions asking if he was canceling it) and has been MIA ever since.

I am so depressed, more lethargic and confused than ever.   

I will go over and read the lessons again, but any insight would help.  Any experience would help. I don't even feel the pain as much as I feel numb and shocked and baffled and exhausted. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Is this out of character would you say, or just maybe a more extreme version of prior behaviors?

[wdone]

Hi waverider,

I guess it's more extreme in the way he got closer, and in the way he left so suddenly.  But, it/he also felt so much more rational and calm, and had been considering moving forward with me i.e. marriage etc for months and months and he seemed so clear and sounded so solid and strong when he said I am a part of him and he only wanted to be with me.  I know he believes that.  I guess I can see if he was feeling so strongly that it'd make him feel even more strongly about not being able to handle it and running away again?

[waverider]

It seems like the push pull cycle seems to have got stronger hence the closeness was greater followed by a balancing stronger push.

Is there an increasing reason for insecurity in his life, and this increasing swing may be a symptom of that. It possibly has nothing to do with you at all.

[wdone]

Thank you…

It could be the stress of him being around/living with family-that is different, and his family is very difficult, although when he spoke about it, he seemed to be very aware and detached in a healthy way from them.  I can't imagine it's not affecting him in a huge way though, being around family and old trauma being up. 

Also, he is always stressed about his financial situation and that hasn't changed... he's still struggling with that.

It's good to be reminded it may not have to do with me.

[waverider]

It's good to be reminded it may not have to do with me.

pwBPD often have no idea why they feel the need to do what they do at times, they just react to the emotions and often just apply whatever reason or consequence is easiest to demonstrate or express that feeling.

They have a need to make vague emotions tangible, so they blame or punish something/someone to give themselves a reason or justification. Only a skilled therapist can sometimes get to the real reason, even then they might not. You probably have little chance of making sense of it. The pwBPD reasons if they supply any can be misleading.

[Grey Kitty]

  I think waverider has as good an explanation of his behavior as I could give.

What about you? Have you got anybody to talk to about how you are feeling with this latest episode?

You've lived most of a year with very little contact. What brought you joy or satisfaction during that time?

[wdone]

 I think waverider has as good an explanation of his behavior as I could give.

What about you? Have you got anybody to talk to about how you are feeling with this latest episode?

You've lived most of a year with very little contact. What brought you joy or satisfaction during that time?

I talk to someone fem these boards via text, and my T and some friends… I am feeling angry and defeated.

I don't know if anything brought me joy this last year---other than the hope of reconnecting with him, and i did have some hope about the guy I dated for a bit.  Presently, I am feeling some hope in moving on and dating someone healthy.  I am having some hope in possibly getting another pet eventually. 

I got and get some satisfaction out of my creative side jobs.  I am thinking of moving if I can muster the motivation and energy, which could help.

Right now, I am feeling lots of exhaustion and depression.  It is very hard to get out of bed, and I could honestly see myself basically living in my house, and barely leaving.  Sad, huh. 

[downwhim]

wdone,

I remember your post when he came back. I also remember when he was hedging and not being 100 percent available. You were waiting to hear from him. I had this sick feeling that he was manipulating you and starting the push/pull BPD tango. I am no therapist but you need to remember this is a disorder and that you did nothing wrong.

I am sure you are hurt. You had hope that this time, just maybe this time it would really work. I do not blame you for that. We all wish we could have our ex back and life could be normal. But, it truly never was with them.

Maybe he just wanted to know you still loved him. You were still there... .

I hope you will take this time to really care for yourself. Get a massage, visit your T, have a pedicure, take yourself out to dinner or call in for Chinese food if your bed is the most comfortable place to be. Be kind to yourself. Post, we are all here for you  .

[braveSun]

I don't even feel the pain as much as I feel numb and shocked and baffled and exhausted. 

It is a shocking experience. Give yourself time to just be , as much as you can. Go gently.

This is not a reflexion of your deservedness and your truth.

Walk when you are ready.

You'll know.

[JRT]

sorry to hear that you are going through all of this... .I hope that you have a happy ending

my exBPDfinance did a disappearing act 4 months ago and I have not spoken with here since... .she had previously recycled me and I suspect that this will happen again... .I am not opposed to talking to her as some are and not even opposed to reconnecting, but it would have to be under certain circumstances. I wonder if during those conversations what made you feel that there was some improvement with him that made you feel more comfortable about resuming your relationship? Had he been seeing a T at all?

[wdone]

Thank you for all of your support. I really appreciate it. He had been seeing a therapist but I guess he stopped a few months ago. He's on medication finally and has been for months and months. He said he was feeling more stable and better. Though he did say that he was struggling and feeling a little overwhelmed with our conversations. I reread all of our texts and he was pulling back a bit, then disappeared.

I got really sick, as is usually the case… It seems like my body just shuts down with the stress and emotions. I have a really bad ear infection and have been in bed for a few days just trying to get better. It occurred to me, and I always forget, because it's so unbelievable… That he very likely thinks that I am a witch or the devil as he has in the past. He gets extremely paranoid and thinks that I am trying to hurt him and that he can't trust me and takes it to an extreme level, and my therapist pointed out that he is probably DID and could've switched to his other personality, the one that hates me.like I said, it is almost unbelievable and that's why I forget that that may be happening. But I think it could be.

I'm feeling pretty deflated and pretty detached and numb. I wonder if he will be contacting me again. He did send a text a few days ago that just said that he is okay as he knows that I worry.

[Grey Kitty]

  You sound whupped and discouraged about it all.

I hope you heal (physically) rapidly. Emotionally it is going to take a while.

 I wonder if future contact from him will be good or bad for you, wdone.

[wdone]

  thank you 

I am.

It's a good point… I'm not sure if I could ever go no contact. if he did contact me, I feel like I would always talk to him…just Being honest.

I am feeling like I want to move on though, like I have to. I don't know if those two statements are contradictory.

I feel pretty vulnerable and raw, especially being sick. Thank you for the well wishes… Hate being sick I am really pounding the vitamins and water and meds. Hope you are surviving.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't see going NC/LC as a FOREVER thing, honestly. And I've thought a fair bit about it if I end up divorced. (Geez, what a strange word to even type!)

I see it as needing some time to process the pain and heal... .re-train my head and my heart to not view this person as a partner. I'd expect that once I had shifted that way... .perhaps I was content being single, or dating or in a new r/s, perhaps before I got involved with somebody else... .then I'd be more open to contact, as a friend, or clearly ex-lover.