Roller-coaster ie BPDbf having an affair and how to deal with it (continued)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Quiet and peaceful evening and night alone. BPDbf/SO went to meet his new girl. To my own surprise I didn't collapse, even though I'm not okey he has a new girl on the side and seeing him go hurt me. 

I've been far from stable this week. I tried calmly explain that him starting an affair behind my back and continuing (even though in hush mode) it is very difficult for me. He has real problems in grasping what goes in my head. The feelings of rejection, jealousy, insecurity etc. He just cannot relate.

I told him that this emotional rollercoaster is something i cannot go through again and again. That I understand and cope with him distancing himself as it's something he cant really change and cannot control. He actions, like finding someone online and starting an affair however are something he could control, if he want to.

He said he loves his freedom very much, that it's the only thing he has always had.

That security in a r/s is something he can't ever give.

He also said he loves me very much and doesn't want to loose me.

Well. Duh. I told him I don't want to steal anyobody's freedom, my love for him doesn't make him my hostage. He's free to go as he pleases, just that i can't be with him (in a relatioship) if he keeps going. Told him that I'm also not likely to vanish from his life completely, but I would need to distance myself from him to protect the core of my being from more damage.

Don't really know if I was keeping a boundary or if it was an ultimatum, but I guess I don't even care which one it was. I love him, a lot, but loving him doesn't mean I'll have to or that i'd need to cope with everthing that comes along.

And yeah there was a BPD reaction... .After more than a month's distance and pushing me away he was back hugging and and kissing and trying to hold on to me. The I don't want to loose yous seemed honest. Valid. True or triggered by the thought of being abondended, I don't know. Didn't stop him from going, though :D

We'll see what happens when he gets back. Seeing me rather calm and docile he is likely to take as a sign i coped with the situation well. Unfortunately, me being calm, in a spot like this, at least in the past it has meant that I'm ready (or that I am getting ready) to move on.

[Haye]

Quiet and peaceful evening and night alone. BPDbf/SO went to meet his new girl. To my own surprise I didn't collapse, even though I'm not okey he has a new girl on the side and seeing him go hurt me. 

I've been far from stable this week. I tried calmly explain that him starting an affair behind my back and continuing (even though in hush mode) it is very difficult for me. He has real problems in grasping what goes in my head. The feelings of rejection, jealousy, insecurity etc. He just cannot relate.

I told him that this emotional rollercoaster is something i cannot go through again and again. That I understand and cope with him distancing himself as it's something he cant really change and cannot control. He actions, like finding someone online and starting an affair however are something he could control, if he want to.

He said he loves his freedom very much, that it's the only thing he has always had.

That security in a r/s is something he can't ever give.

He also said he loves me very much and doesn't want to loose me.

Well. Duh. I told him I don't want to steal anyobody's freedom, my love for him doesn't make him my hostage. He's free to go as he pleases, just that i can't be with him (in a relatioship) if he keeps going. Told him that I'm also not likely to vanish from his life completely, but I would need to distance myself from him to protect the core of my being from more damage.

Don't really know if I was keeping a boundary or if it was an ultimatum, but I guess I don't even care which one it was. I love him, a lot, but loving him doesn't mean I'll have to or that i'd need to cope with everthing that comes along.

And yeah there was a BPD reaction... .After more than a month's distance and pushing me away he was back hugging and and kissing and trying to hold on to me. The I don't want to loose yous seemed honest. Valid. True or triggered by the thought of being abondended, I don't know. Didn't stop him from going, though :D

We'll see what happens when he gets back. Seeing me rather calm and docile he is likely to take as a sign i coped with the situation well. Unfortunately, me being calm, in a spot like this, at least in the past it has meant that I'm ready (or that I am getting ready) to move on.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Is this your resolute response to this boundary, that if it continues you are out?

If you have said it then it will take all your strength to stay the course.

It is not about what is fair and considerate, but simply knowing your own limits.

If you end it, it is unlikely you will be able to continue any sort of closeness. That would require far too much regulation on his part.

[Haye]

Is this your resolute response to this boundary, that if it continues you are out?

I think it is, yes. I just cannot handle this kind of pressure. I think it boils down into the responsibility I have towards my own well being. I have to make sure i do well - not only for my own sake but for my children. A mom that's off balance due boyfriend's affairs... .Not okey.

About closeness. I'm aware it's likely to be difficult. Loosing the emotional bond we have between us might push him off balance. For three years I've been the one to support him - even when it's me who's been hurt by his action. I'm aware that he's likely to feel this as me pushing him away, abandoning him. Even though he says he understands complitely.

I've decided that in case things just don't work out between him and me I will contact his sisters. He is likely to need someone to support him emotionally, other than his T. To make sure he doesn't fall into SI or something as a result.

[sweetheart]

Hello Haye,

I know this is the Staying board so I feel a bit conflicted in what I want to say to you in as much as I hope you enforce your boundary soon for you and your childrens emotional well-being. What is happening is abusive, you know this, he knows this but because of your history( which I've just read ) he does not believe there will be a consequence for him.

I think I responded early in your previous thread about this subject in response to what MayBeSo said to you. So I'm going to remind you again of the need to validate yourself by not allowing someone to hurt you in this way.

I know from reading that you will be worried that he will resort to self harming behaviour, so letting his sister know is a good idea.

I didn't read the whole of your previous thread, but do you have a plan of how this will play out for you given that he is going ahead with this other person? What is your line in the sand for things to be enough and the relationship to end ?

[anxiety5]

Quiet and peaceful evening and night alone. BPDbf/SO went to meet his new girl. To my own surprise I didn't collapse, even though I'm not okey he has a new girl on the side and seeing him go hurt me. 

I've been far from stable this week. I tried calmly explain that him starting an affair behind my back and continuing (even though in hush mode) it is very difficult for me. He has real problems in grasping what goes in my head. The feelings of rejection, jealousy, insecurity etc. He just cannot relate.

I told him that this emotional rollercoaster is something i cannot go through again and again. That I understand and cope with him distancing himself as it's something he cant really change and cannot control. He actions, like finding someone online and starting an affair however are something he could control, if he want to.

He said he loves his freedom very much, that it's the only thing he has always had.

That security in a r/s is something he can't ever give.

He also said he loves me very much and doesn't want to loose me.

Well. Duh. I told him I don't want to steal anyobody's freedom, my love for him doesn't make him my hostage. He's free to go as he pleases, just that i can't be with him (in a relatioship) if he keeps going. Told him that I'm also not likely to vanish from his life completely, but I would need to distance myself from him to protect the core of my being from more damage.

Don't really know if I was keeping a boundary or if it was an ultimatum, but I guess I don't even care which one it was. I love him, a lot, but loving him doesn't mean I'll have to or that i'd need to cope with everthing that comes along.

And yeah there was a BPD reaction... .After more than a month's distance and pushing me away he was back hugging and and kissing and trying to hold on to me. The I don't want to loose yous seemed honest. Valid. True or triggered by the thought of being abondended, I don't know. Didn't stop him from going, though :D

We'll see what happens when he gets back. Seeing me rather calm and docile he is likely to take as a sign i coped with the situation well. Unfortunately, me being calm, in a spot like this, at least in the past it has meant that I'm ready (or that I am getting ready) to move on.

You sound like a very sweet, sincere, good hearted, wonderful person. And, you are being emotionally abused. You must snap out of it. I'm not saying this to be mean, I was where you are. What I don't think you realize now, is that despite what you say, you don't love him. Nobody could love someone who does this to you. You probably have some codependent relationship habits, much like I did. I was cheated on, which initiated this high alert, high anxiety, fixation in me to hold on. To fix things. To understand. To try and fix. Etc. But that mentality was wrong. I should have kicked her to the curb that very moment. But I didn't and it was because I thought I loved her. In reality, I was driven by fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I couldn't do better. Fear that I was unlovable. Fear that was all driven by my lack of self worth.

Boundaries aren't telling someone you aren't going to be out of their life completely. That's more of a window. A silver lining you gave him where he will take that as, ah ha! I can just manipulate my way back in when I want. Boundaries aren't ultimatums either. We have core values. The things that are our foundation and matter to us the most. Mine are things like trust, honesty, fidelity, etc. Boundaries are when your core values are violated. They aren't empty threats or ultimatums, they are deal breakers. They are violation of our principles that destroy our foundation of our relationship with that person. When she violated my core values through lying and cheating, she was not honest, she was not trustworthy and she was unfaithful. These things matter to me. So for not everyone, maybe that's not true. But for me? They were deal breakers. A boundary is when you simply are done. Someone has violated the core principles of what you stand for. Boundaries are more about you than him. It's not his actions, it's what you stand for and are all about. So the decision is not about him doing what he does, it's you tolerating things that violate your soul. I stayed despite her actions. This is a downward spiral wherein, she now gets confirmation that she can manipulate things to such an extent that I tolerate the intolerable. And, I begin to break into pieces as my self worth is destroyed by my actions of staying with someone who totally without care annihilated my values. That makes us feel shameful at ourselves for staying. It makes us easier targets to further manipulate as we slowly lose who we are, what we stand for and our reality starts to become contorted.

He knows that cheating violates your foundation of who you are. Therefore if he does it, you must enforce a boundary yourself. And that means you don't tell him you're open to still be in his life. And it certainly means he doesn't love you. They don't know what love is. Their definition of it changes all the time.

Work on you. Find out what you stand for, what's really important to you and your foundation of a relationship. Compare those things to what you're getting from him. When you do this you'll realize nothing matches therefore you can't stay with him, if you are true to yourself. If you can't trust him when you are sleeping with him, how could you trust him as a friend? He is a person that is making you compromise yourself. That's the worst abuse of all. But it's voluntary, you have to decide if your reality aligns with what you truly stand for.

The first step to healthy self esteem is knowing what your values are, removing people from your life whose values don't match. You will start to identify with others who do match, and have healthy relationships. The self empowerment in this process, is when you "find" yourself, who you are and what you stand for. And, the empowerment of enforcing this, and living it each and every day is being true to yourself, breeds confidence, and esteem.

Each and every day you spend with someone who violates these things, all of the above mentioned are actually being destroyed more and more. Someone who does that to you, and someone who clings to someone who does that to them, is not love.

[Cat Familiar]

I want to echo everything Anxiety5 has said.

I, too, was involved with a serial cheater (as well as being an abuser, both physically and verbally). I thought I loved him. We were together nearly 20 years. Our lives were totally enmeshed with business, property and animals that we loved--fortunately no children--I saw the writing on the wall early and chose not to subject children to our dysfunctional relationship.

After years of infidelity and abuse, I drew the line in the sand (not to him, but in my own mind). He knew that I was not OK with either infidelity or abuse. There were periods of calm and I told myself if he ever is violent or I discover that he's being unfaithful, I will leave.

Well, it happened and I had to make a decision. Either I kept my promise to myself or I didn't, which felt like I was waiting to die in this relationship.

I left and never, not even for a moment, have I regretted it. It was very hard to untangle myself from this relationship, but I'm so glad I did.

I wish you the best.  

[Grey Kitty]

Is this your resolute response to this boundary, that if it continues you are out?

I think it is, yes. I just cannot handle this kind of pressure. I think it boils down into the responsibility I have towards my own well being. I have to make sure i do well - not only for my own sake but for my children. A mom that's off balance due boyfriend's affairs... .Not okey.

It is your choice. You drew a line in the sand for yourself. Drawing the line is a way for you to figure out how you really feel about it, and now that he's crossing it, you are figuring it out.

You know what it is costing you to stay while he does it.  Believe me, I know the feeling too. As somebody said to me recently... .

You will know when it is time for you to stop trying to save your marriage.

Trust yourself. You will know when you are there.

About closeness. I'm aware it's likely to be difficult. Loosing the emotional bond we have between us might push him off balance. For three years I've been the one to support him - even when it's me who's been hurt by his action. I'm aware that he's likely to feel this as me pushing him away, abandoning him. Even though he says he understands complitely.

I've decided that in case things just don't work out between him and me I will contact his sisters. He is likely to need someone to support him emotionally, other than his T. To make sure he doesn't fall into SI or something as a result.

When you hit a point where you cannot do this anymore to yourself... .you will need to let him go to find his own life and face his own consequences. At that point, you and your children are at the top of your priority list, and he's dropping out of the top ten, at least for a while.

And then... .take good care of yourself, and really find your truth and your feelings.   

[Haye]

I didn't read the whole of your previous thread, but do you have a plan of how this will play out for you given that he is going ahead with this other person? What is your line in the sand for things to be enough and the relationship to end ?

Thank you Sweetheart! I guess validating myself is something I'm not really good at

I will talk this over with him when he gets back. But you are right, I don't have a good plan on how to proceed in case he pursues this affair. I won't kick him out to the cold you know, but I know he'll probably suggest he can stay with our next door neighbor (and friend) if I need him to.

I will need to notify his sister. My problem is also that he dissociative i.e. there are different aspects/versions of him and now i'm dealing with Mr. I Don't Care. if I now leave him i'm leaving all of him of course, and there's the more vulnerable side of him, his most usual personality part (which is hiding right now) and I know that version/aspect of him will be devastated. He's family doesn't quite handle it, because they don't understand. He's not multiple personality, not like in a movie or TV, but… Something like that. No killer hiding inside or such, but stuff like anger or vulnerable emotions like love has been divided between different version (due traumas). Deep emotions and attachment, well it's the one that's hiding.

His kindl side really would not do any of those things to me. He is going to be appalled by his own behavior when he snaps back and usually goes SI as he cannot handle the pressure. Mr-idont-care, well he really doesn't care.

Thank you for your time and thoughts, Anxiety5.

I tested my relationship tendencies quite recently while going through all this - all show secure. I think i'm pretty much the best thing that has happened to him in years,  he sort of realizes it but can't break his habits, too damaged . I'm rather content I can do much better than him, I don't fear the future and haven't found myself harbouring any of those other bad thinking patterns either.

I have to say this case is a bit complicated since well the slightly multiple persona thing I mentioned above + I have had openish relationships previously (while married to my ex-husband) and since my SO was originally my friend he had some affairs and such going on a long time on the side. I had feelings for him, but they were (mostly?) one-sided so I just tolerated him doing what he did as he wasn't mine at all.

But as I said to Sweetheart, it's only part of him doing and acting this now. Unfortunately it's one person, with difficult sides, and if one treats me badly I can't just kick the bad one out. I'll need to do everything to the whole package.

CatFamiliar, I thank you too for your thoughts and your hugs. I needed those

And GreyKitty, again, my thanks, for your thoughts and your hugs. I find this very difficult. A part of him is very good and loving and deserves to be loved. It's the side of him that feared something like this is going to happen. Then there's the part living with me now, who doesn't really care. He is aware that there is this other side of him that is likely to be very upset if I leave him. Sometimes the fear of abandoment has actually been enough to him to snap back, but not this time I guess .

[waverider]

It takes a crisis for most people to make the hard decisions to change themselves, otherwise its on the "gonna' list. No one can talk someone into being determined enough, the explosion  of energy required needs to come from within.

What this means for you is that you wont seriously distance yourself until you experience this internal explosion. Once it starts it is a chain reaction  and can't be undone easily. The hurt will all pile on to a specific focus as you start to externalize all this internal stuff. Your boundaries will then start to have real meaning. Until then you will keep hanging on in hope that they will veer away at the last minute.

We get stuck playing a game of chicken with someone who has no regard for their own welfare, the result is we always pull out first. Eventually you just stop playing this game.

[LimboFL]

Hi Haye,

I just went through my first experience where my BPD Girlfriend decided that, while living together, she could run off on a date, out of town on NYE. It was the first time it happened. I moved out on the 30th. We were together 4 years and I am very much in love with her and took all kinds of difficult verbal etc abuse but I was not going to stand for this. She took everything that I did for granted and I mean I did a lot, driving her back and forth to work every day, cleaning, bills etc. So it was time for her to see what it was like to not have me around to do all of those things and that her actions came at a cost.

She was livid with me and still is. It's pretty much been no contact since, short of tying up some loose ends. As mentioned, I still love her and want her as my partner in life but you CANNOT let anyone treat you let like that. I am heart broken and miss her but no one is allowed to step on our hearts like that. He is taking you for granted and the more you accept with only words, the more he will take.

Trust me, I know what it is like to love a BPD, down to the core. I know that we see the beauty and the kindness. I was never a "savior" but I saw the pain she went through daily and the anxiety and I wanted to be there for her and still do. I miss her dearly. Keep in mind she decided to do this with a man, whom she met briefly on a trip, who lives 1000 miles away and who still lives with his "ex" wife and kids. She expected me to stick around. I had to borrow money from a friend and find a roommate situation.

You need to rip yourself from his life or will not appreciate what he has. He won't heed your warning so long as you do nothing. This is the last time is not good enough. My ex was and remains furious at me for doing it. I hope that one day we can reconcile, I love her but I wasn't going to allow her to stomp on my heart like that.

Make a plan and move out immediately. If there is any chance that he will rethink it's if you come through on your threats.

Good luck and again, please remember that I deeply love my (now) ex girlfriend. I wanted / want her to be my partner in life, so this isn't a " leave the jerk and forget about him " replies.

[Haye]

He ended the affair. At least says he did and he hasn't ever lied on those things.  He planned on telling her what's really going on (the BPD, DID etc) and my guess is that he told her and the girl just fled... .

However, I was really fuming when he arrived, could say dysregulated. I struggled controlling my words... .From everything I was bursting out it seems he only got the part i want him out of my life. Well no. The upset feeling/mindset just didn't go away with getting the news. Trying to calm down now.

[patientandclear]

Did he say why he ended the affair?

[waverider]

Are you still done with this RS?

Where do you stand now?

[Grey Kitty]

However, I was really fuming when he arrived, could say dysregulated. I struggled controlling my words... .From everything I was bursting out it seems he only got the part i want him out of my life. Well no. The upset feeling/mindset just didn't go away with getting the news. Trying to calm down now.

You know... .you shouldn't expect yourself to be "calm" when dealing with something like this. You hurt like h*ll. You were betrayed. You are allowed to feel this and process this, and whatever you feel at a time like this, if it is genuine, it won't come out as either nice or friendly!

 

What you don't want to do is process these feelings AT him.

You probably don't even know what you really want, and sending him a mixed message does nothing good.

You to be SAFE to work through these feelings. I hope you have a good friend or a T to do this with. Write in your journal. Post here. He is the last person on the planet you want to use for working through these feelings. He is NOT safe. Even if he is 100% reformed, recovered, and dedicated to you, he still wouldn't be safe for you.

I'd recommend you tell him that you need some time to work through what you are feeling and what you want, and will need to limit contact with him for a while.

If you can give a specific timeline for this, communicating this will trigger less of his BPD fear of abandonment. (Perhaps a week or two?) If you have no idea and cannot even figure this out, that's OK too.

When my wife cheated on me, I went NC with her while she was still cheating. A wonderful friend who supported me a lot at that time commented that it took me three weeks to get out of the miserable and lost place I was in then. I finally found a place of strength where I could hold to my own truth, my own values, and my own needs while talking to her... .I avoided talking to her for another 4 or 5 days after that for some reason... .whatever... .I did the best I could at the time!

[Haye]

We ended this R/S. By his initial.

I will take some time mourning, going through all. I'll need to change my status from staying and move to detaching and healing from.

At the same time I'm sad, devastated but also relieved. The roller coaster, no more. I don't have try to cope with the undpredictability and changes anymore. I don't have to wonder what is what and how should I react.

We agreed that this time, if/when he thinks he wants me back 1) he doesn't do anything, ie tries not to act on it 2) should that happen I will just have to be able to say no.

I wish him to be able to meet my kids occasionally so we aim at LC once he moves away.


My exSO and I have both been crying like niagara falls... .Something he hasn't been able to do for years.


Thank you Grey Kitty, Sweetheart, MaybeSo, FormFlier, Waverider, and many others here's who's names i can't remember. You have been a great help and I wish to thank you all from the bottom of my heart 

[Cat Familiar]

The mourning is tough. I wish you the best.   

[sweetheart]

Oh Haye   ,

Everything happened so quickly it must be a shock for you emotionally despite your threads. I'm so sorry that this has happened and that the relationship didn't survive because I could hear how much he meant to you.

Sending you fondest wishes for you and your family. Take really good care of yourself Haye give yourself lots of time to process what has happened.

[Grey Kitty]

  Take care of yourself.

You've been riding the roller coaster of his feelings for so long. It is a relief to get off that one.

You get to ride your own roller coaster of feelings now. You may be surprised at all that comes up now that you have space to feel it. I know it won't be easy.

If you have friends or family that you can trust, reach out now.

[Grey Kitty]

We ended this R/S. By his initial.

... .

The roller coaster, no more.

Haye, it has been two days since you posted this ending.

I want to remind you something about pwBPD: They are very bad at staying consistent. He ended it. He may come back, trying to recycle / restart. This is the biggest push away. It may well be followed by a big pull back from him. I suggest you prepare yourself for it--You cannot control whether he tries or not. You can prepare yourself for the possibility, and figure out how you feel about it ahead of time, and perhaps decide in advance if what you will do.


Now the more important part of my post... .

 It has been two days. How are you feeling? How are you holding up?

[Haye]

It has been two days. How are you feeling? How are you holding up?

Oh thanks GreyKitty! 

I'm pretty okey for now.

Well, as you said, staying consistent isn't something a pwBPDs is good at  .

Crying all sunday left us both alreayd broken and open And closer mentally than we have been for a while.

He was already thinking (out loud) if he made a huge mistake less than 12hrs later... .He was worried that because had skipped eating completely for about 48hrs it might've affected his thinking (+ we both know he dissociates badly if not eating).

I think me moving out from our bedroom to sleep elsewhere made separation more clear to him. He couldn't bear sleeping in our bed alone, so spent his nights at our neighbour's.

I entered my own private rollercoaster of missing him etc.

And yes there was a slight pull back and i don't think i even tried to fight it that strongly :-(

Right now we are in some sort of "take your time" -mode. Not back together, but not totallycompletely separated either. I've told him he should take time to think things over, talk with his T etc. It does seem there are issues he needs to think and decide. Of course, as he himself pointed out, how is one supposed to know what one wants when most of the time it's your BPD, DID, anxiety or some such doing the talking... .

I guess I'm taking this as a slow ride to August, when he is moving away anyway.