4 months and still having trouble

[antonio1213]

I haven't been on here or posted on here in a month or so. I thought I was doing pretty good and felt like I didn't need this site anymore. In 3 days It will be 4 months post b/u and 4 months of strict NC on my part. (she reached out to me only maybe 3 times since she broke up with me, and each time it was ALL about her).

I spend most of my days obsessing over her and trying to find my own closure. I seem to not be able to find my own closure, nor get it through my head that she was crazy. I wrote down 6.5 pages of crazy stuff she did on a word document and when I look at it I can rationally see just how legitimently crazy she was. But I can't seem to get it through my head that what we had wasn't real, and that she is not any good for me. There were times during out relationship where I didn't feel anything but disgust and anger for her and I could have left at any moment. But now that I am out of it I feel pain and keep obsessing over her.

How in the world am I supposed to find closure from this? I still feel myself detoxing from the emotional roller coaster that I called my gf. I feel as if I can never date or be with another person again.

[Tim300]

I hear ya buddy.  I'm in a very similar boat as you.

First, I will say that you're in a good position in having recognized that she's crazy and not good for you or anyone.

Second, I think the key is time.  Even though I've also reached the conclusion that she's crazy, etc., I'm still frustrated, hurt, confused, etc.  I feel like every day I get a slight bit better.  There are moments that I relapse to a feeling of hurt, for sure, but my general trend is upwards.

Third, the closure is BPD -- your knowledge that she is ill, that there's nothing you could have done or could now do differently to change things.  That you are better off without her and that you dodged a major bullet by not having a kid with her.

As far as dating again, I'm with you.  Fortunately, I'm at an age where I feel like I might be even more attractive to women in a couple years.  I am just taking things slow, being very selective, and focusing on me right now.  I worry that it will be difficult for me to go "all in" like I did.  I think the key will be time, and an understanding that there are pwBPD and Nons, and that I won't be with a pwBPD next time.

[JRT]

I hear ya... .its been four months for me... .one of the things that has been most difficult is that she did a disappearing act: I was notified via text and she moved out while I was away and blocked every imaginable method of contact possible... .she has not attempted to contact me at all. I have a couple of times fro, unblocked hotel numbers while I was traveling and was called by the cops in response! nice huh? We didn't even fight so I have little idea what was going through her head to have done this after 2 years.

Anyway... .I have been dating... .at first, I would speak with anyone from the dating site that I am on that would listen, not thinking that they were long term prospects at all. It was akward and uncomfortable at first... .but I find that the more that I date, and the more better quality women that I meet, that it does some to at least distract me. I have one now that seems to be a bit of a long term possibility and thinking about her makes me not think about my ex... .works for me.

[myself]

I still feel myself detoxing from the emotional roller coaster

That's it right there. You're still processing, making sense of this, and letting go. 4 months later, there's been a certain amount of progress. 4 months from now, there will be more, and so on. Grieving doesn't move in a straight line, though. There will be hills and valleys, smiles and tears, etc.

It's been more than a year for me, and I still feel like I'm detoxing from the intensity of the r/s, too. The questions and pains of there being no real closure with this were on my mind again much of this past week. Because what many of us had with our now-exes WAS real. It just wasn't strong enough to overcome this disorder. That 'crazy stuff' tipped the balance toward breaking up. When we stopped playing along, looking into our own mirrors and cleaning up our own acts, did the 'crazy stuff' stop as well? No. Which says a lot. It's also a lot closer to the closure we're looking for just staying out of the storm. Accepting it's less chaotic now is part of this.

What are some of the deeper personal issues for you here? Loneliness, rejection, residual resentment? Chip away at that kind of stuff, it'll lead to a better sense of 'freedom' from the heaviest chains of the past.