She broke NC - need advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Alright guys,

Short story. Same as everyone really but I'll keep it short.

I sent her a letter with her stuff 1 month ago and asked for a ring I left. Not very expensive but would have liked it back but had no response.

After she ended it and me going NC for 1 months. She rubbing the replacement in my face after 3 days on FB, I did not bite ( proud of that ) she's has just text me this. Bear in mind I have absolutely no feelings to get back with her but I don't want to inflame things by not responding but I want my stuff back. Here is her text:

Hi Four_kings hope you are well and the boys are good.really sorry I haven't sent your ring bk yet I am and have been really unwell.i will send as soon as I'm better.sorry.x

[BPDGuy1]

Alright guys,

Short story. Same as everyone really but I'll keep it short.

I sent her a letter with her stuff 1 month ago and asked for a ring I left. Not very expensive but would have liked it back but had no response.

After she ended it and me going NC for 1 months. She rubbing the replacement in my face after 3 days on FB, I did not bite ( proud of that ) she's has just text me this. Bear in mind I have absolutely no feelings to get back with her but I don't want to inflame things by not responding but I want my stuff back. Here is her text:

Hi Four_kings hope you are well and the boys are good.really sorry I haven't sent your ring bk yet I am and have been really unwell.i will send as soon as I'm better.sorry.x

[Tim300]

Maybe say "Get well soon.  Best regards" and then follow up again in a week.

Based on my experience with my BPDex-fiancee and her mother (also BPD), people with BPD are almost constantly complaining of having some physical ailment. 

[fromheeltoheal]

You asked for it back and she acknowledged that.  She will either return it or she won't, and it will be up to you to decide if you get lawyers and cops involved if the ring is that important to you.  My ex owes me $1200, she knows it, and I'll probably never see it, but $1200 is a small price to pay for my sanity, plus, not keeping commitments is a great way to feel crappy about yourself, and she never stops adding to that shame pile.  Best to decide what's best for you and only you and move on.

[Perdita]

Hi Four_kings hope you are well and the boys are good.really sorry I haven't sent your ring bk yet I am and have been really unwell.i will send as soon as I'm better.sorry.x

Isn't this just a way to get sympathy and lure you back in?  I mean, did she really have to mention she's been unwell?  And what's with the "x" at the end?  If you really want to reply, then I'd think a simple "Thank you" is enough.  She obviously wants you to start asking about her and why she hasn't been well and will suck you in from there.  Proceed with caution!

[Targeted]

She may also stall to return it because it's yours and it keeps a attachment.

[myself]

Agree with FHTH. She didn't break NC, she responded.

You don't have to say anything. Wait and see if she sends it.

If she does, good. You get your ring back. End of communication.

If not, and it's important enough for you to follow up, follow up.

Hope you don't mind, I kind of read between the lines with what she said:

Hi Four_kings hope you are well (after what I've put you through) and the boys are good (while also healing from this) .really sorry I haven't sent (avoided sending) your ring bk yet I am and have been really unwell (due to this disorder. A whole month of feeling like this, it doesn't stop) .i will send as soon as I'm better (if I feel like it/remember when the pendulum swings again, but I'll never really be 'better' if I don't face this stuff for real ).sorry (ashamed).x

[patientandclear]

I'll add to songbook's annotated version, the following response she is hoping to get from you:

"Oh no ex, what's wrong?"

To which she can respond with an account of how the replacement was/is a terrible guy and she is struggling to figure out what really matters in life.  Something that can be counted on to elicit a helping response from you & an open door to ongoing dialogie.

[Infared]

Alright guys,

Short story. Same as everyone really but I'll keep it short.

I sent her a letter with her stuff 1 month ago and asked for a ring I left. Not very expensive but would have liked it back but had no response.

After she ended it and me going NC for 1 months. She rubbing the replacement in my face after 3 days on FB, I did not bite ( proud of that ) she's has just text me this. Bear in mind I have absolutely no feelings to get back with her but I don't want to inflame things by not responding but I want my stuff back. Here is her text:

Hi Four_kings hope you are well and the boys are good.really sorry I haven't sent your ring bk yet I am and have been really unwell.i will send as soon as I'm better.sorry.x

WOW... that is classic "I'm a victim... .come rescue me!"... .even though she has replaced you.  You DID send a letter... .but she is baiting you for more contact at your emotional peril , that she is not responsible for.  If you bite... .you have taken the bait and she knows you are being lured back in. She just wants to make sure she still has her hooks in. Nothing more.

I agree with Perdita... .if you need to answer at all... .a simple "thank you" is all that is needed.

"He" can take care of her ailment.  She chose to be there and that is all "her's". Please feel free to give her that responsibility, by not responding at all. Your best bet.

... .and... she signed with an "x"... .please note... .is a small ”x" with no "O"'s 

[myself]

Most everything's text or email these days. If not, I'd wonder if she'd written it with ink on an actual hook, because that's what she's trying for here for sure. (I read the 'x' at the end as she's his X and he didn't use her real name, just like her message probably didn't start by calling him his user name 'Four Kings'.) Either way, I hope you get your stuff back, peacefully.

[charred]

NC isn't for her, its for you. Is she is BPD, she will send out messages once in a while. My exBPDgf, first dumped me about 30 yrs ago, about 5 yrs ago we got back together, she was worse than ever, tried to make it work for 3 yrs... finally realized it would never work with her. So for 2 yrs I have been NC, blocked her on FB, changed my phone number, blocked her on email, etc. After 18 months, I unblocked email, and found she was still sending emails. She bugs family, friends,etc.

So... its been 30 yrs... .and I had an email that was like yours... yesterday.

You will do what you want to do, which for quite a while is to reach back out and hope for the best, but the situation usually gets worse each time, not better. They remember everything they were mad about, discount each thing you do and seem to find something upsetting each go round. The relationships are at times abusive, and most people stuck in an abusive relationship will take 7-8 recycles before they finally get out and stay out.

I wondered why we are so hurt by the breakup, want them back so bad... and yet most the time in the r/s ... it was hellish. Took me a very long time to figure it out. They love bomb us, and mirror us up front, and it is something we needed so much we accept it and overlook the    , because it is so uplifting. We needed it because it is the kind of apparent unconditional love we didn't quite get enough of as an infant. It is what builds a primary relationship... .like between mother and child. Then when the disorder kicks in and they abuse us... we take it and look for faults in ourselves... never really questioning their terrible behavior. When they dump us... we cry and hurt and wallow in feelings we haven't had since childhood... and want back our abusers... desperately. If we get them back, it is great for moments, and the cycle continues.

Even therapist avoid pwBPD... as they treat them like us... and make for bad patients.

The only person you can truly fix with all your hard efforts... is you. The more you feel you don't need help ... the stronger your ego ... the harder it is to figure out the situation as it really was.  Good luck

[Infared]

Most everything's text or email these days. If not, I'd wonder if she'd written it with ink on an actual hook, because that's what she's trying for here for sure. (I read the 'x' at the end as she's his X and he didn't use her real name, just like her message probably didn't start by calling him hisS user name 'Four Kings'.) Either way, I hope you get your stuff back, peacefully.

Oh... .I think you are right about the x... .easy to misinterpret.  X=ex