Boundaries: A piece of advice for you people staying

[anxiety5]

My ex was someone who was superstitious in odd ways. One way she was child like was in a way, that if you "swear on ____(insert person here)'s life" then that meant she was REALLY serious about whatever was going on. I found this childish, yet I realized something as I reached my boiling point before ending things and going NC (where I'm now 2 weeks free)

She had cheated on me, treated me with indifference, hardly text me at all during the day, stopped doing all the sweet things she used to, withdrew affection, belittled, etc. All the typical things. What I realize now, is how the BPD/NPD will get away with as much as they can. The more you tolerate, the more they will push the envelope.

After awhile, they don't believe your hollow threats.

For proof of this, after one of her ridiculous incidents and picking a fight for now reason right before Christmas, I had reached my threshold. As I went on about how I wasn't going to put up with this anymore, etc, she just listened, almost amused, and said, "ok, have a good night, talk to you later." Total non care in anyway.

I never used those, swear on this or that lines. Well I had a family member nearly pass away a month ago. Someone who I'm very grateful to have around, more grateful than anything I've ever been grateful for. I love this person. She knows it. I was so tired of not being taken seriously (which was my own fault for lack of boundaries) I told her, no. I'm not joking this time, I can't handle this anymore. She said, ok ok, talk to you later. I said, No, you don't get it. I'm done. If you don't believe me, I swear on (this family member's) life.

So childish I know... .

But her response was shock. She instantly broke into tears and hung up. She incessantly text me, called me back, begging pleading for me not to end it. Crying, telling me she'd do anything, she was sorry. I held my ground.

I wanted to share that with you because while it's doubtful your BPD is as childish as this, it's to reinforce something important. WHEN SHE TOOK ME SERIOUSLY, THAT I WAS DONE, SHE WENT CRAZY.

The goal isn't to make them go crazy, but if you DO NOT hold your boundaries and you let them walk on you, NOTHING will change. NO love can change them, or make them stop hurting you. The envelope will keep getting pushed. When and only when you are FIRM. You show them you REALLY AREN'T TOLERATING IT.

Never make a threat or mention an action in response to their behaviors or treatment towards you that you AREN'T PREPARED TO CARRY OUT. That's when the REAL discarding begins. They lose all respect for you and your weakness, and you lose all respect for yourself.

[JohnLove]

I have had similar responses to important conversations, like the relationship. Thanks for posting this.

[raisins3142]

I have a simple rule: if someone breaks my trust by cheating or regularly lying, then I will never trust them again.  Also, if they admit doing these things to others, then I will not trust them.  Sorry that is what I most took away from your post.  I can't believe how many folks put up with infidelity.  It is literally so dirty and gross to do that to someone.  I'm glad you put your foot down and ended things.

[anxiety5]

I have a simple rule: if someone breaks my trust by cheating or regularly lying, then I will never trust them again.  Also, if they admit doing these things to others, then I will not trust them.  Sorry that is what I most took away from your post.  I can't believe how many folks put up with infidelity.  It is literally so dirty and gross to do that to someone.  I'm glad you put your foot down and ended things.

Yeah, I learned as much about leaving. It's not so black and white though when it happens 4 months in, out of nowhere, and involves things like alcohol. I was in shock. Literally. I was blown away. She refused to leave my house. She said she was worried about me. In reality she was manipulating me by giving me absolutely no space when I was just whacked upside the head. Throw in all the pleading, tears, begging, and incredible knack to explain the how's and why's and an extra high dose of telling me how she would die if she lost me, and the next thing I knew I was still there.

I hate cheaters. They are the most selfish, egocentric, disrespectful, destructive people in this World. They wreck marriages, ruin and separate families and destroy people's lives. I always thought (logically which doesn't apply here) that people only did that when the relationship was really bad. BPD complicates cheating. The reasons they do it are irrational to us. It's impulse, it's escape, and honestly, I do believe to them it means nothing. That's no excuse by any means and quite irrelevant really, but I do believe to them they separate someone who means nothing vs their significant other. This is what triggered my search for answers and discovery of BPD. Her impulsively, her recklessness, her lack of empathy for how it affected me, and her lack of guilt but feelings of shame (for being caught)

Cheating sucks, but you know what? I thank God every day she cheated on me. Because if she didn't I would have never had the drastic fall out that made me search for and find out what BPD is and I'd probably have ended up with her toxicity FOR LIFE.

[raisins3142]

I agree they have an odd way of separating sex from emotion, if it fits their needs at the time.  My uBPDexgf showed me by her wild, yet mechanical, love making sex that she could do that action with about anyone.  It was like a handshake or activity like shooting pool. So, I feel for you.  I have no idea if mine cheated or not, but I'm nearly certain she would have given another years time.