Strategies for getting BACK a pwBPD

[JRT]

I am not trying at all... .

There is nothing that I can do... .I have no cards to play... .I have been dating (though no one seriously) and pursuing my interests as if I had never met her... .but I strongly suspect that THAT day will come. At that point in time, I will need to make a decision. In the interim, I am living my life.

[BlackHoleSun]

I am not ruling out the possibility that she is another PD... .but as I read the accounts here, particularly as it relates to waifs, I see here pretty clearly. The biggest indication is how she left: out of the blue, suddenly, while I was away on business... .she sent me an angry text to never attempt to contact her even though there was no acrimony... .she blocked me from contact, blocked me on social media and painted me black to all of her family and friends with the goal of compelling them to unfriend me as well... .she has refused to speak with me at all o 4 months, with my attempts to subvert those blocks met with threats of legal action and a call from the cops with a stern warning... .I have confirmed that she stalks me on FB and had unblocked me on her phone at one point an then reblocked me... .so great is her aversion to any contact of any kind, not only is she willing to besmirch me legally, but ok with me destroying a large number of family heirlooms that she left at my home... .

Many other subtle signs such as leaving things here... .prior recycles... .too many to mention here. I was with her fro two years: I didn't know everything (obviously) but I knew enough. As far as her day to day persona, I knew enough to affirm all of the above that I had.

It sounds like what everyone is talking about here... .she just didn't rage like most do... .and she didn't go nuts keeping in contact with me... .AND it is very likely that she has a replacement: she tends to keep to herself between r/s's.

Hey, if its not BPD, I cool with that... .I would even say that I am relieved. But what would it then be?

I don't want to come across as a dick but, vanishing and blocking someone, refusing contact and leaving items at your place are not symptoms of BPD. Can't really go on anything from that. If you could come up with specific things she did that meet the criteria then we could be in business though! However, it does sound like she could have had some kind of engulfment issue after she started living with you. If that was the case and she was feeling engulfed and you then tried to contact her repeatedly, that could have made the situation a lot worse.

A lot of the time with BPD, people tend to think the person suffering from it, is running due to some kind of abandonment trigger, when in fact its actually the opposite. Chasing after them then makes things 10x worse. In fact from my experience, its the fear of abandonment that actually brings them back and keeps them in contact with you. Its also my experience that people with BPD love being chased at the start of a relationship but hate being chased towards the end, especially if they've left you or done something wrong. They tend to see it as a sign of weakness, when they're looking for someone who is emotionally strong.

[JRT]

No, I appreciate that you are challenging me... .

Lets pretend that all that I have is the way that she left... .and the way that she has behaved in the wake of her flight. Can we both agree that it is just not normal? IF not BPD, then what?   I read an account from a pwBPD regarding blocking and attributes that were pretty much in line with her behavior. How would the other recycles fall into the not BPD disorder? How would her alcoholic father and codependent mother fit in? The trauma of the death of a friend in high school? The failure of each and everyone of her relationships ( a victim in all of them). painting me black to her friends an the ensuing distortion campaigns. (I am just throwing these out there but they are mounting - still not be BPD though). Maybe the compulsive decisions that seem to characterize her thinking? How about how she recycles her freind's as well (all back nicely in her camp right now but were painted black when I met her and wasn't until a year later that I met even one of them)? Her weight gain of 40 lbs seems to indicate an eating problem. How about her various physical ailments, odd quirky ones, such as cysts, pimples and boils, thyroid, cramps. Add to that reckless driving with various major accidents in recent past. I could go on, but will not.

This is just it: she never spoke of the things that you and others had, ostensibly, been exposed to whether you liked it or not. I am left with a lot of circumstantial evidence, but it is pointing pretty convincingly in one and only one direction. Of course, if you have any other ideas, I am all ears.

Btw; I agree with you that chasing after them makes things 10x worse... .and yes, there was a time after the last recycle where she mentioned that this was an expectation of hers and thanked me. This time, she must have changed her mind!

[Hazelrah]

I am not trying at all... .

There is nothing that I can do... .I have no cards to play... .I have been dating (though no one seriously) and pursuing my interests as if I had never met her... .but I strongly suspect that THAT day will come. At that point in time, I will need to make a decision. In the interim, I am living my life.

Ok, that's good.  The name of this thread was 'Strategies for getting BACK a pwBPD', so I just wanted to check.

[JRT]

We didn't seem to cover too many strategies!  :-) I think, in fact, that the only real one is NC, if anything.

[Restored2]

cloudten: Sounds like a complicated relationship consisting of a lot of starts and stops with intervals in between.  :)o you think your BPD person really knows what unconditional love is?  The reason I ask this is because mine told me that she didn't know what unconditional love is when I told her that I unconditionally love her.  She also told me that she did not see her own value/self-worth.  As a result, very likely she did not see my value and the value of our relationship.  Any thoughts on this?

JRT:  

Your below quote from earlier:

"... .I have confirmed that she stalks me on FB and had unblocked me on her phone at one point an then reblocked me... ."

I'm curious how were you able to figure out when she unblocked you and then blocked you again?

[JRT]

on the phone? Every now and again I called her to see if I still was... .right around xmas eve, I called and it rang. She then hung up after she answered. I texted her and wrote, 'it appears that you have unblocked me' ... .I went to the airport and when I got to my hotel, I saw that she reblocked me.

I suspected that she, maybe, got a new phone or something. But I called her carrier (which is also my carrier) and was told that it was not phone specific.

Just the other day here, there was a BPD that indicated that this is somewhat typical: they are testing themselves to see if they can even handle speaking with us. I guess that she was not, . She had explained that the ones that block their ex's this way, were REALLY keen on them and the pain so great, that they go through great lengths to create a barrier to contact. She also mentioned that the sign that they are finally over you and indifferent is when they unblock you since they have achieved a point where there is no longer associated pain.

This makes me sad a bit.

[Restored2]

JRT: Thanks for clarifying. 

I would agree with the perspective on the blocking to create a barrier to contact, due to the BPD person struggling with their feelings towards that very same person.  It seems to be their way of coping in the classic run away mode. 

[dobie]

Is there a way to get anyone back who doesn't want to be with you BPD or not?

I think when JRT your x like mine has blocked , ignored showed little to no empathy for their actions is in my case on dating sites and accepting no blame at all .

Its a loss cause . For an x to get back with you BPD or not they have to want to at least a little our x's sound like for them that's both something they really don't want to do.

[JRT]

Dobie... .everyone is different... .mine reported not knowing what was guiding her the last time(s) she recycled... .breaking up wasn't REALLY what she wanted to do, she just ran... .it was a knee jerk reaction to some trigger... .this is consistent with what I have seen many times here. I understand those cases where it was jsut a bad relationship and it was over.

So assuming that this is the case, what next? If you were the non and you LOVED this person and the relationship was otherwise good (no raging... .no violence... .no lies), what would be the best response? This is the crux of this thread... .

[BlackHoleSun]

Dobie... .everyone is different... .mine reported not knowing what was guiding her the last time(s) she recycled... .breaking up wasn't REALLY what she wanted to do, she just ran... .it was a knee jerk reaction to some trigger... .this is consistent with what I have seen many times here. I understand those cases where it was jsut a bad relationship and it was over.

So assuming that this is the case, what next? If you were the non and you LOVED this person and the relationship was otherwise good (no raging... .no violence... .no lies), what would be the best response? This is the crux of this thread... .

Sad to say it but Dobie is right. You can't MAKE someone be in a relationship with you. BPD or not, if they decide its over, its over. Its that simple. I love my ex very much but, i can't change how she feels about me.

This might come across as being harsh JRT, i don't mean it to but, from your description of your exGF, she really doesn't sound as though she has BPD. That said, maybe she has some traits of it, who knows? Or maybe she just has certain "issues"? Either way, i get the impression that you still love her very much and want her back. Its almost like you're hanging onto the hope of her being BPD though, in the chance that because of the disorder, she'll eventually return to you.

Now, for the sake of it, lets say she IS BPD. It means there's a chance that she never truly loved or cared for you. It might mean that she was just using you to meet her own needs. That the person you fell for was just a dream, a mirage, they never really truly existed as you saw them. You see, even when you KNOW 100% that your ex is BPD and you've discussed it with them and they've openly told you about the things they do... .there's still no closure! You simply cannot explain the actions of another person, whether they're BPD or not.

For example, lets stick with thinking that your ex does have BPD. She told you she didn't REALLY want to break up with you. A person with BPD can have their emotions, feelings and thoughts change in a matter of moments. Maybe at the time she said this she meant it. Maybe she didn't mean it at all. Maybe she meant it at the time but 5mins later she felt the opposite. You can never know.

The same goes for a BPD telling you that they want to be chased. At the time they tell you it could be true, within a matter of minutes they could have changed their mind entirely. One of my diagnosed BPD exGFs always used to say "i never chase, you will have to chase me". She would then go on to say that men always became obsessed with her and wouldn't leave her alone when she dumped them. Make sense? She would say it was a HUGE turn off seeing their desperation and laugh about them. Just like my other ex she actually got a kick out of it. It was almost as if she set them up, so she could knock them down and take pleasure in the pain she'd caused. Then of course i split up with her and guess what? That's right, she chased like mad, wouldn't leave me alone, even though i'd gone fully NC. This from a person that "never chases"!

So, to answer your question - what would be the best response if someone you love very much breaks up with you?

Answer - Let them go. Sure, let them know you care for them and love them still if you feel the need to but, only within reason. Call them ONCE. Text them ONCE. Maybe write them a letter or email ONCE. If at that point they don't want to know, especially if they're blocking you then, its time to move on.

As for the strategy of getting a BPDex back... .well, there isn't one really. As i've said, they will come back if they NEED you in some way and only then, if they're able to get back from how the relationship ended.

[JRT]

Dobie... .everyone is different... .mine reported not knowing what was guiding her the last time(s) she recycled... .breaking up wasn't REALLY what she wanted to do, she just ran... .it was a knee jerk reaction to some trigger... .this is consistent with what I have seen many times here. I understand those cases where it was jsut a bad relationship and it was over.

So assuming that this is the case, what next? If you were the non and you LOVED this person and the relationship was otherwise good (no raging... .no violence... .no lies), what would be the best response? This is the crux of this thread... .

Sad to say it but Dobie is right. You can't MAKE someone be in a relationship with you. BPD or not, if they decide its over, its over. Its that simple. I love my ex very much but, i can't change how she feels about me.

This might come across as being harsh JRT, i don't mean it to but, from your description of your exGF, she really doesn't sound as though she has BPD. That said, maybe she has some traits of it, who knows? Or maybe she just has certain "issues"? Either way, i get the impression that you still love her very much and want her back. Its almost like you're hanging onto the hope of her being BPD though, in the chance that because of the disorder, she'll eventually return to you.

Now, for the sake of it, lets say she IS BPD. It means there's a chance that she never truly loved or cared for you. It might mean that she was just using you to meet her own needs. That the person you fell for was just a dream, a mirage, they never really truly existed as you saw them. You see, even when you KNOW 100% that your ex is BPD and you've discussed it with them and they've openly told you about the things they do... .there's still no closure! You simply cannot explain the actions of another person, whether they're BPD or not.

For example, lets stick with thinking that your ex does have BPD. She told you she didn't REALLY want to break up with you. A person with BPD can have their emotions, feelings and thoughts change in a matter of moments. Maybe at the time she said this she meant it. Maybe she didn't mean it at all. Maybe she meant it at the time but 5mins later she felt the opposite. You can never know.

The same goes for a BPD telling you that they want to be chased. At the time they tell you it could be true, within a matter of minutes they could have changed their mind entirely. One of my diagnosed BPD exGFs always used to say "i never chase, you will have to chase me". She would then go on to say that men always became obsessed with her and wouldn't leave her alone when she dumped them. Make sense? She would say it was a HUGE turn off seeing their desperation and laugh about them. Just like my other ex she actually got a kick out of it. It was almost as if she set them up, so she could knock them down and take pleasure in the pain she'd caused. Then of course i split up with her and guess what? That's right, she chased like mad, wouldn't leave me alone, even though i'd gone fully NC. This from a person that "never chases"!

So, to answer your question - what would be the best response if someone you love very much breaks up with you?

Answer - Let them go. Sure, let them know you care for them and love them still if you feel the need to but, only within reason. Call them ONCE. Text them ONCE. Maybe write them a letter or email ONCE. If at that point they don't want to know, especially if they're blocking you then, its time to move on.

As for the strategy of getting a BPDex back... .well, there isn't one really. As i've said, they will come back if they NEED you in some way and only then, if they're able to get back from how the relationship ended.

BHS - on the next thread, before your respond, I ask you to ask yourself before you type, 'In what way am I able to help this person'?

[BlackHoleSun]

BHS - on the next thread, before your respond, I ask you to ask yourself before you type, 'In what way am I able to help this person'? [/quote]
I don't quite understand. Not sure why you seem to have taken offence at what i've said? I am trying to help! I'm trying to advise you that you need to let it go. You don't know if your exGF actually does suffer with BPD. I'm trying to help you see (and anyone else in the same situation) that it doesn't actually matter. If someone doesn't want to be with you then there's nothing you can do. If your ex has blocked you, then she's sending a very clear message, telling you she doesn't want to hear from you. I'm giving this advise being someone who has 3 diagnosed BPD friends and who has had a diagnosed BPDgf and an undiagnosed but self aware BPDgf. If they stop contacting you, then yes, reach out to them but don't push and push and push. If they tell you its over then, yes, again reach out to them but don't make repeated contact. Give them space, give them time to think, show that you're emotionally strong and prepared to walk away.

Its very easy to get into the mindset of thinking - "She's got BPD! Maybe she does really want to be with me! Its just the disorder talking. If i keep on reaching out to her, everything will be ok. If i can just show her how much i care, how much i love her, she'll come back to me". Its sort of White Knight thinking. I can empathise, its difficult and believe very strongly that, a lot of this way of thinking can actually come from the trauma of the relationship and break up.

For example, my little theory is this -

At the start of the relationship, they mirror you. By the end of the relationship, you mirror them.

You start to take on their traits, just like they took on yours. When they leave you feel their pain of abandonment. 3 of the borderlines i know make men fall in love with them, even if they don't want the men. They then drop them off the cliff in the most painful way imaginable. Its like they're trying to do to these men what their fathers did to them. Trying to make them feel the pain of loving someone, only for that person to turn around and leave them.   

[Ripped Heart]

I with what BHS is trying to say but perhaps the wording may have been a little strong on the first post.

BPD or not, the best possible way to get back with someone is to walk away and continue with your own life. There is a saying that goes "If you love someone let them go, if they dont come back they were never yours"

The mother of my d14 does not have BPD. When we split we were both responsible for the failure of our relationship. Mostly because we were young and the pressures of a new family were hard on both of us. After the split,  we couldn't go NC because of d14 (who was 2 at the time) so maintained LC where necessary. 2 months later she found herself in trouble after at attempted mugging and knocked on my door because I was close. I let her stay that night, slept on the sofa but made her feel safe and was very independent. We tried again but it never worked out. What we did get from it is a friendship that is still strong today 12 years later.

ExN/BPDw and I divorced almost 3 years ago. I went strictly NC the moment I left the house on advice of T because ex was "dangerous". 3 years later and she still keeps trying to contact me. Usually every month I get something but she took a break between June and December last year.

BPDgf decided she wanted to leave r/s so I let her go. 4 days it took before suicide threats started and I'm still in a push/pull with her now. I try and back away and she chases, I get close and she runs. I'm even taking her out on a date tonight but then expect silence for 2 days after.

From all 3 of those, the only one that was truly worth another go was d14s mother. We split over valid reasons, got back together and both realised it wasn't working out. The getting back together was genuine where I dont feel that with BPDgf, its more out of entertaining her abandonment fears.

As BHS said, you need to show you are prepared to show you can walk away. It kills me to do so but twice I've walked away from BPDgf, first when she said she wanted to end r/s. I told her it didn't change how I felt about her but if she was unhappy I wouldn't stand in the way of her happiness and walked away. 2nd time was New Years Eve and that was NC for 4 days.

There is no set formula for getting anyone back, you can only grow stronger become who you want to be and just maybe it will draw her back. You may find as you get healthier that you dont want her back or need her in your life. You might have found someone else who treats you like you deserve to be treated and look back on ex as just someone from your past.

[JRT]

This makes all of the sense in the world... .the only real strategy is NC especially in a push/pull environment... .was hoping ffor stories more than anything else... .and yes: its often times not what one say but how they say it.

[eyvindr]

Ripped Heart --

This has been one of my favorite sayings over the years -- so simple, yet so undeniably true, I think.

BPD or not, the best possible way to get back with someone is to walk away and continue with your own life. There is a saying that goes "If you love someone let them go, if they don't come back they were never yours."

Your story really intrigues me, and I'd like to ask about it, if you're willing to discuss. I'm always encouraged when I hear anyone talk about a happy ending with an ex, especially if they were married, and most especially if they share children -- it's terrific that you and your daughter's mother have remained friends.

The mother of my d14 does not have BPD. When we split we were both responsible for the failure of our relationship. Mostly because we were young and the pressures of a new family were hard on both of us. After the split,  we couldn't go NC because of d14 (who was 2 at the time) so maintained LC where necessary. 2 months later she found herself in trouble after at attempted mugging and knocked on my door because I was close. I let her stay that night, slept on the sofa but made her feel safe and was very independent. We tried again but it never worked out. What we did get from it is a friendship that is still strong today 12 years later.

This is just a sobering example of the types of behavior we've learned can be typical of pwBPD:

ExN/BPDw and I divorced almost 3 years ago. I went strictly NC the moment I left the house on advice of T because ex was "dangerous". 3 years later and she still keeps trying to contact me. Usually every month I get something but she took a break between June and December last year.

So what's going on here? --

BPDgf decided she wanted to leave r/s so I let her go. 4 days it took before suicide threats started and I'm still in a push/pull with her now. I try and back away and she chases, I get close and she runs. I'm even taking her out on a date tonight but then expect silence for 2 days after.

From all 3 of those, the only one that was truly worth another go was d14s mother. We split over valid reasons, got back together and both realised it wasn't working out. The getting back together was genuine where I don't feel that with BPDgf, its more out of entertaining her abandonment fears.

I take it that, since you still refer to her as "gf" -- and we're on the "Staying" boards -- that you're trying to work things out with her. Sounds like you're sure she suffers from BPD, and she's demonstrated some common behaviors. But you're still with her. Is it because you expect something to change? or hope something can change? or aren't ready to make a decision?

To clarify -- from my perspective, all are valid choices, and none of us can make these choices for anyone but ourselves, or determine when is the right time to make them. I've been through all of them, and spent my time in each of those phases, if you can refer to them as such. I'd just like to better understand how others walk themselves through that process. If you're willing to share, I'm all ears.

[BlackHoleSun]

This makes all of the sense in the world... .the only real strategy is NC especially in a push/pull environment... .was hoping ffor stories more than anything else... .and yes: its often times not what one say but how they say it.

I apologise if if my words seemed harsh but there's really no point in just telling someone what they want to hear. Its not going to do any good in the long run. I do tend to just tell it how it is, i don't mean to offend anyone though.

For example... . ... .you keep asking about a strategy you can use to get someone with BPD back. Truthfully - there isn't one! NC does not bring someone with BPD back, just as it would not bring someone without BPD back. The only thing that brings them back (in terms of the BPD itself) is their NEED for you.

Let me try to explain... .

As i'm sure we all know, one of the core parts of BPD is that the sufferer experiences disordered attachments with people.

Attachment = NEED.

However, NEEDING someone is not the same as WANTING someone. Drug analogy - you may start out WANTING to score heroin but eventually, an attachment/addiction takes hold, the WANT falls away and is replaced with a NEED.

As i said previously, my little theory is that at the start of the relationship they mirror us. By the end of the relationship we mirror them. We start to feel the obsession that they had for us at the beginning of the relationship. We start to feel addicted and in need of the attachment to them they felt for us. We feel their fear of abandonment. We start to take on BPD ourselves.

[JRT]

This makes all of the sense in the world... .the only real strategy is NC especially in a push/pull environment... .was hoping ffor stories more than anything else... .and yes: its often times not what one say but how they say it.

I apologise if if my words seemed harsh but there's really no point in just telling someone what they want to hear. Its not going to do any good in the long run. I do tend to just tell it how it is, i don't mean to offend anyone though.

For example... . ... .you keep asking about a strategy you can use to get someone with BPD back. Truthfully - there isn't one! NC does not bring someone with BPD back, just as it would not bring someone without BPD back. The only thing that brings them back (in terms of the BPD itself) is their NEED for you.

Let me try to explain... .

As i'm sure we all know, one of the core parts of BPD is that the sufferer experiences disordered attachments with people.

Attachment = NEED.

However, NEEDING someone is not the same as WANTING someone. Drug analogy - you may start out WANTING to score heroin but eventually, an attachment/addiction takes hold, the WANT falls away and is replaced with a NEED.

As i said previously, my little theory is that at the start of the relationship they mirror us. By the end of the relationship we mirror them. We start to feel the obsession that they had for us at the beginning of the relationship. We start to feel addicted and in need of the attachment to them they felt for us. We feel their fear of abandonment. We start to take on BPD ourselves.

BHS... .its not that your words sound harsh, they do. But you also seem to have the need to be acknowledged to be 'right'. Along the way, you make deep assumptions about the situation which, at least in my case, were almost always incorrect. Repeated attempts to point this out to you seem to be ignored as are occasions where I pointed out 'what are you trying to accomplish that is helpful here'. Even this very post ignores the spirit of what I was looking for by asking the question to begin with.

I am sure that your intentions are good but during my interactions with you, my perception has been that you intent is not to support. I began responses to you where I am thinking to myself, 'This guy is calling me onto the carpet and is demanding that I justify what I think and feel' This is not what I came here for'.

This is only my perspective (and I invoke it with respect to you and good manners), but I think that its worthwhile for you to consider.

[Hazelrah]

As i said previously, my little theory is that at the start of the relationship they mirror us. By the end of the relationship we mirror them. We start to feel the obsession that they had for us at the beginning of the relationship. We start to feel addicted and in need of the attachment to them they felt for us. We feel their fear of abandonment.

Hi J,

Let's temporarily put aside the discussion regarding delivery/communication styles for just a moment.  The last portion of BHS's post (quoted above) is an interesting observation.  Do you think it has any merit or applies to anything you've experienced so far? 

"Even this very post ignores the spirit of what I was looking for by asking the question to begin with."


I see your point.  It is not uncommon for threads to drift away from the OP's question--everyone here has a story they want to tell, or advice they want to share.  So let's bring it back full circle.  Using words from your quote, what was the spirit with which you broached  the subject of 'strategies for getting BACK a pwBPD'?

 

[JRT]

It was probably mis-worded by me. It should have been entitled:

"After you broke-up with your BPD, and assuming that you wished to reconcile with them and they had cut off contact, was there a way (besides NC) in which your were able to not only successfully reestablish communication with them, but also managed to restore our relationship. "

But it just would not fit into the title bar  :-)

[jo19854]

I would rather try and fail than not try and wonder for the rest of my life: that to me is like prison. If it works, then I have everything to gain, if I lose and accept it as a lost cause, I can move on. I had no pain associated with her with the exception of the b/e's.

JRT, this is the same thing i struggle with, thats why its so important to me to know WHY?

[Hazelrah]

It was probably mis-worded by me. It should have been entitled:

"After you broke-up with your BPD, and assuming that you wished to reconcile with them and they had cut off contact, was there a way (besides NC) in which your were able to not only successfully reestablish communication with them, but also managed to restore our relationship. "

But it just would not fit into the title bar  :-)

To me, the succinct version means the same thing as this long-form explanation.  So your original heading was what most members thought--problem is, there probably aren't enough 'success' stories--if you want to call them that--to keep the thread going in that direction.

How about the first half of my previous post--do you think BSH's theory has any merit?

[JRT]

I hear ya jo... .it is the way that we are wired... .

I can say this: that what compels this in me is also responsible for many of my lifes successes: to exhaust all possibilities in pursuit of a goal/idea/passion. This is the ONLY instance that I can think of that it has been a liability.

[JRT]

It was probably mis-worded by me. It should have been entitled:

"After you broke-up with your BPD, and assuming that you wished to reconcile with them and they had cut off contact, was there a way (besides NC) in which your were able to not only successfully reestablish communication with them, but also managed to restore our relationship. "

But it just would not fit into the title bar  :-)

To me, the succinct version means the same thing as this long-form explanation.  So your original heading was what most members thought--problem is, there probably aren't enough 'success' stories--if you want to call them that--to keep the thread going in that direction.

How about the first half of my previous post--do you think BSH's theory has any merit?

Not really I don't think: the succinct version presupposes that this is even possible while the long form does not.

What theory specifically? 

[Hazelrah]

It was probably mis-worded by me. It should have been entitled:

"After you broke-up with your BPD, and assuming that you wished to reconcile with them and they had cut off contact, was there a way (besides NC) in which your were able to not only successfully reestablish communication with them, but also managed to restore our relationship. "

But it just would not fit into the title bar  :-)

To me, the succinct version means the same thing as this long-form explanation.  So your original heading was what most members thought--problem is, there probably aren't enough 'success' stories--if you want to call them that--to keep the thread going in that direction.

How about the first half of my previous post--do you think BSH's theory has any merit?

Not really I don't think: the succinct version presupposes that this is even possible while the long form does not.

What theory specifically? 

I guess what I meant was that the 'spirit' or intent of both versions of the query seem to come from the same place.  But I could be interpreting incorrectly--I'm not always that bright.

This theory... .

"As i said previously, my little theory is that at the start of the relationship they mirror us. By the end of the relationship we mirror them. We start to feel the obsession that they had for us at the beginning of the relationship. We start to feel addicted and in need of the attachment to them they felt for us. We feel their fear of abandonment."

[Ripped Heart]

It was probably mis-worded by me. It should have been entitled:

"After you broke-up with your BPD, and assuming that you wished to reconcile with them and they had cut off contact, was there a way (besides NC) in which your were able to not only successfully reestablish communication with them, but also managed to restore our relationship. "

But it just would not fit into the title bar  :-)

I think the difficult part to answering this question is that there has to be an element of control. Because we have no control over anyone but ourselves, the only way to reconcile is pretty much a waiting game as it takes 2 people to engage.

So the only thing you can possibly do, as I mentioned in my post, is to focus on you. You have to make yourself appealing to your ex and then its down to her how she reacts to that. Its a lot of catch 22 because if you reach out to "show her" it comes over as needy and that can be part of why they leave in the first place.

Our perceptions change too as we heal. I wanted nothing more than exN/BPDw to reach out and for things to work out between us. However, the more I kept my distance, the more I understood what had gone on, the more I didn't want her to reach out and the more she did. I actually thought at one point of engaging with her, in the hope the hate would resurface in her and she would leave me alone.

I agree with JRT in that we are wired differently too. Something I discovered with T today is that I have problems with ending an r/s completely. Instead, when I know its over, I hand it to the other person to kill completely. I put myself in the line of being abandoned because it's something I'm used to and something I can absorb rather than abandoning the other person. I take the pain so they dont suffer and that's not entirely healthy either.

That plays into the would rather try and fail than wonder for the rest of my life.

[JRT]

Its probably a two beer conversation... .at the beginning of my r/s id don't know that there was any mirroring going on as we both indicated that we felt he same way about one another... .it was intense but not the type of inferno that I gather from many of the anecdotes here... .more of a controlled burn if you will.

At the end of mine, there really wasn't any real change in our relationship... .everything was normal. We were planning our wedding were only two weeks prior we had ordered our rings. We were also planning outings, parties and all the usual mundane stuff that is part and parcel to a normal relationship. So there really wasn't any mirroring going on that I was able to discern all outward appearances were that it was a healthy r/s. Remember, we did not have the stereotypical BPD r/s with a lot of fighting... .it was peaceful and happy.

If you meant post b/u? Not sure on that either. Realistically, I know that I could replace her (and I hope that doesn't sound arrogant or anything), its just a matter of time and all the associated b/s that comes along with dating when you are 48 and having few alternatives than online dating (believe me, this is part of the pain, ). But the abrupt and suddenness if it is just as if somebody died. No sickness or disease, just dead the next day. There was no time to prepared for it mentally or emotionally - poof, just gone. Now add to that that from beyond the grave, not only are they available to talk to you, but are physically still there! However, they refuse to and are angry at you even though they have no reason to be angry.

[JRT]

It was probably mis-worded by me. It should have been entitled:

"After you broke-up with your BPD, and assuming that you wished to reconcile with them and they had cut off contact, was there a way (besides NC) in which your were able to not only successfully reestablish communication with them, but also managed to restore our relationship. "

But it just would not fit into the title bar  :-)

I think the difficult part to answering this question is that there has to be an element of control. Because we have no control over anyone but ourselves, the only way to reconcile is pretty much a waiting game as it takes 2 people to engage.

So the only thing you can possibly do, as I mentioned in my post, is to focus on you. You have to make yourself appealing to your ex and then its down to her how she reacts to that. Its a lot of catch 22 because if you reach out to "show her" it comes over as needy and that can be part of why they leave in the first place.

Our perceptions change too as we heal. I wanted nothing more than exN/BPDw to reach out and for things to work out between us. However, the more I kept my distance, the more I understood what had gone on, the more I didn't want her to reach out and the more she did. I actually thought at one point of engaging with her, in the hope the hate would resurface in her and she would leave me alone.

I agree with JRT in that we are wired differently too. Something I discovered with T today is that I have problems with ending an r/s completely. Instead, when I know its over, I hand it to the other person to kill completely. I put myself in the line of being abandoned because it's something I'm used to and something I can absorb rather than abandoning the other person. I take the pain so they dont suffer and that's not entirely healthy either.

That plays into the would rather try and fail than wonder for the rest of my life.

That prompted me to think of myself as well. In difficult relationships, jobs, friendships, etc. it has always been a challenge for me to disengage for what was a situation that I knew logically to be bad or unrewarding. I have always considered quitting a job or dumping someone an act of shameful failure and avoided doing so at all costs. So I let the other party do it. Even in relationships, I never felt a stigma that I was 'dumped' or rejected but that I did all that I needed to in order to effect a success. In fact, I always considered the other as a bit of a loser by not following through and doing all that needed to be done to insure success. 

This hardwiring is the one quality that I can trace back to all the positive things that I have been able to accomplish in my life. Ironically, the opposite here.

[EaglesJuju]

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .