Should I reach out to him?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I heard that he has left for Australia for a "recovery" trip. But before he left, he posted a FB post saying that "She and I have always talked abt visiting Australia tgt. Nv would I have tot of going there without her. Hope I'll be back as a less broken man"

This broke my heart into pieces. The 'she' that she refers to is me, and it broke my heart so much to imagine that he's still in love w me and wanting me. I feel like breaking NC and drop him a msg to say I still care abt him and i still wants to work this out, but yet I know it may not that great an idea to break NC n risk getting myself hurt all over again. But yet, i do not want to risk missing the opportunity to get him back too.  

I keep trying to tell myself that he's prob just emo when he posted that post, but that doesn't mean he wants me back,  or that he has forgiven me for the breakup (in his opinion at least). And if he really wants me back he could have contacted me directly. But he didn't. But yet to see him being sentimental abt us really gives me lots of hopes and desire to reach out to him. It really break my heart to know that he's still missing me. What should I do?

[peace_seeker]

I heard that he has left for Australia for a "recovery" trip. But before he left, he posted a FB post saying that "She and I have always talked abt visiting Australia tgt. Nv would I have tot of going there without her. Hope I'll be back as a less broken man"

This broke my heart into pieces. The 'she' that she refers to is me, and it broke my heart so much to imagine that he's still in love w me and wanting me. I feel like breaking NC and drop him a msg to say I still care abt him and i still wants to work this out, but yet I know it may not that great an idea to break NC n risk getting myself hurt all over again. But yet, i do not want to risk missing the opportunity to get him back too.  

I keep trying to tell myself that he's prob just emo when he posted that post, but that doesn't mean he wants me back,  or that he has forgiven me for the breakup (in his opinion at least). And if he really wants me back he could have contacted me directly. But he didn't. But yet to see him being sentimental abt us really gives me lots of hopes and desire to reach out to him. It really break my heart to know that he's still missing me. What should I do?

[Infared]

I would guess:

He posted this on open social media just to have you react exactly the way you are.

Seems like an outright manipulation to me, with lots of public drama thrown in.

If you are reading his FB page... .you are in contact. So NC is not actually being adhered to in this instance.

I have empathy for your situation, but am trying to call to your attention your responsibility for the state you find yourself in right now. (God knows when I was in your place, I would not have seen my part in my own pain either).

Perhaps you should be posting this on the "Undecided : Staying or Leaving" Board? You sound as though you are not committed to moving on... .but... .

I do identify with your torn emotions and I send out my empathy and understanding. Truly.

Breaking apart from a BPD is the most devastating thing most of us have ever tried to steer our way through. I wish you well.

[peace_seeker]

Hi Infared. I know u meant well and I do accept responsibility in bring a road block to my own recovery. He has already blocked me on his FB. So I don't believe his post is to get a response out of me, but perhaps just a way he cope w his emotions, (and perhaps seeking attention and sympathy). I have really been on NC for past 3 weeks, but it was just broken today when my friend has to show me his post... .

the thing is, he's the one who left, but in his opinion I'm the one who caused rhe breakup. And he refused to come back no matter how I tried previously. So I am basically left w no choice but to move on. that's why I am here on this board, rather than on the "staying or leaving" board, because I do not have a choice in staying. But it is just so hard to detach emotionally. and when there are hints of him still feeling for me, it gets even harder to stay focus on detaching as it gives me hopes that i shouldn't be having... .

I know I'm pretty messed up.

[Perdita]

I agree with Infared.  The Undecided board will probably be of better help to you as you don't sound committed to leaving just yet.  What struck me about your post is how concerned you are about HIS feelings.  You are ready to drop your progress thus far to reach out and sooth him.  What about YOU?  What is best for you?  :)o you really think it is your duty to reach out to him?  :)idn't he bring this on himself?  

Stop and really think about all the reasons why you left him.  Then decide.

The choice is yours.

[Infared]

Hi Infared. I know u meant well and I do accept responsibility in bring a road block to my own recovery. He has already blocked me on his FB. So I don't believe his post is to get a response out of me, but perhaps just a way he cope w his emotions, (and perhaps seeking attention and sympathy). I have really been on NC for past 3 weeks, but it was just broken today when my friend has to show me his post... .

the thing is, he's the one who left, but in his opinion I'm the one who caused rhe breakup. And he refused to come back no matter how I tried previously. So I am basically left w no choice but to move on. that's why I am here on this board, rather than on the "staying or leaving" board, because I do not have a choice in staying. But it is just so hard to detach emotionally. and when there are hints of him still feeling for me, it gets even harder to stay focus on detaching as it gives me hopes that i shouldn't be having... .

I know I'm pretty messed up.

No... no... .no... I am not trying to beat you up. Mine did EXACTLY the same thing... .and I was way more "messed up"... .(mine was also with my replacement before I got told she was leaving... .denying that anyone was there. This after a 5-year live-in relationship)... .I was also blamed for everything as I was just wrong on every level (hmmmm... .but I was trusting, faithful and honest and she was cheating, lying and abandoning our relationship for the new one she was already in).

BPD's don't take responsibility for ANYTHING. They are like small children. The whole thing is rather hard to fathom, especially when you are in the distraught state that you are in. I know exactly where you are... .

I might suggest that you ask whomever showed you that FB post not to show you any more.

I did not want to be where I was ... .and as hard as it was... .I got a T, surrounded myself with supportive people and in my case I dove into a self help group that was appropriate for me.

I also kept as busy with work as I could... .and looked for situations where I could be of some help to others... .to get me out of my messed up self. I tried to keep busy, but also take time to feel my feelings and grieve the loss.

I can tell you from experience... .any kind of contact "for me" was absolute poison. ... .and I had to endure drive-byes and run-ins with "them" and her alone, where she had two distinctly different personalities for each situation. We live in the same small community and it's my hometown... .so I was not leaving.

Absolute NC kept the bandage on the wound and the wound closed and gave me a shot at healing... .something that I did not want to do... .because all I wanted was the relationship back. It's really twisted... And I know how much emotional pain you are in in this moment... .And I will say a prayer for you... .I know how you are feeling.

[Infared]

I agree with Infared.  The Undecided board will probably be of better help to you as you don't sound committed to leaving just yet.  What struck me about your post is how concerned you are about HIS feelings.  You are ready to drop your progress thus far to reach out and sooth him.  What about YOU?  What is best for you?  :)o you really think it is your duty to reach out to him?  :)idn't he bring this on himself?  

Stop and really think about all the reasons why you left him.  Then decide.

The choice is yours.

Perdita... .He left her!

... .but I still agree with everything you say here.

[Perdita]

Perdita... .He left her! ... .but I still agree with everything you say here.

Cross post.  My post went through seconds after her last one about him leaving her.  His Facebook post implied it was the other way around.  Typical BPD behaviour to play victim to win sympathy from others.

[Infared]

Perdita... .He left her! ... .but I still agree with everything you say here.

Cross post.  My post went through seconds after her last one about him leaving her.  His Facebook post implied it was the other way around.  Typical BPD behaviour to play victim to win sympathy from others.

Yes... .yes! They cheat, they lie, they abuse... .but they put up manipulative innocent, poor-me face to everyone and they are always the victim! My experience exactly. Makes one crazy trying to reason with that. Ugh.

I was trying to understand the situation, too. PeaceSeeker made things much more clear with the second post. I feel for her. Tough stuff to endure.

[peace_seeker]

No... no... .no... I am not trying to beat you up. Mine did EXACTLY the same thing... .and I was way more "messed up"... .(mine was also with my replacement before I got told she was leaving... .denying that anyone was there. This after a 5-year live-in relationship)... .I was also blamed for everything as I was just wrong on every level (hmmmm... .but I was trusting, faithful and honest and she was cheating, lying and abandoning our relationship for the new one she was already in).

BPD's don't take responsibility for ANYTHING. They are like small children. The whole thing is rather hard to fathom, especially when you are in the distraught state that you are in. I know exactly where you are... .

I might suggest that you ask whomever showed you that FB post not to show you any more.

I did not want to be where I was ... .and as hard as it was... .I got a T, surrounded myself with supportive people and in my case I dove into a self help group that was appropriate for me.

I also kept as busy with work as I could... .and looked for situations where I could be of some help to others... .to get me out of my messed up self. I tried to keep busy, but also take time to feel my feelings and grieve the loss.

I can tell you from experience... .any kind of contact "for me" was absolute poison. ... .and I had to endure drive-byes and run-ins with "them" and her alone, where she had two distinctly different personalities for each situation. We live in the same small community and it's my hometown... .so I was not leaving.

Absolute NC kept the bandage on the wound and the wound closed and gave me a shot at healing... .something that I did not want to do... .because all I wanted was the relationship back. It's really twisted... And I know how much emotional pain you are in in this moment... .And I will say a prayer for you... .I know how you are feeling.

Yes... .yes! They cheat, they lie, they abuse... .but they put up manipulative innocent, poor-me face to everyone and they are always the victim! My experience exactly. Makes one crazy trying to reason with that. Ugh.

I was trying to understand the situation, too. PeaceSeeker made things much more clear with the second post. I feel for her. Tough stuff to endure.

Hi Infared, thanks for your kind words. It is indeed a mental torture to be in such situation. He is the one who doesn't want me, but yet he appears to be in great pain of losing me. It also kills me to when he use terms like 'we' in his FB. Makes me feel like as if he still sees us as an item. Then why keep the distance and refuse to take me back?

I was so shaken when I was shown that post. i swear, if i had the money and the liberty of taking a few days off work, I would have fly immediately to Australia to find him. But that's not within my capability, and I was soo close to dropping him an email, to tell him that I still love him. But I came here instead (thankfully for this forum), and I talked to one of his close friend for advice. Needed to see if he's indeed missing me, or if he's just acting victim. Talking to his friend gave me a good reality check, and I get reminded of how I should be focusing on my recovery instead. At the same time, I got reminded of all his hateful texts accusing me of causing the doom of this r/s (battle b/w him and my brother: him asking me to cut ties with my bro, which I couldn't agree to) and suddenly I have another perspective: perhaps it is true that he hasn't forget me (wells afterall we've been tgt for 8yrs and it's just 3months post BU), but that doesn't mean think of me with fond loving memories. Maybe it's still with all the hatred and anger and all other negative feelings... .mentioning me doesn't equate to missing me lovingly.

It's so true that any kind of contact is basically poison. Any news of him always spin my world upside down. But yet, not having hear anything about him makes me feel so dead inside. Although hearing about his news do bring more rollercoaster feelings, but at least it somehow makes me feel more 'validated' and more alive in the present moment than always living in the past. perhaps it helps me see how much we are already missing out in each other's life? I dont know. it's a very complex feeling that i still cannot comprehend.

Thanks so much for validating my feeling Infared. I will keep strong and remind myself to stop believing that he still loves me.

What struck me about your post is how concerned you are about HIS feelings.  You are ready to drop your progress thus far to reach out and sooth him.  What about YOU?  What is best for you?  Do you really think it is your duty to reach out to him?  Didn't he bring this on himself? 

Cross post.  My post went through seconds after her last one about him leaving her.  His Facebook post implied it was the other way around.  Typical BPD behaviour to play victim to win sympathy from others.

Hi Perdita, thanks for the reminder about keeping the focus on myself!Typical BPD behavior to play victim, yes. This is not the first time he did it; when he first posting those sentimental post, I was so angry at him for portraying as a victim but yet verbally abusing me via emails and text. But i dont know why i'm back to the 'believing he's still in love with me' stage and being drag back into lots of ruminating and missing him. but yes i'll keep strong. At least now i don't have that intense urge to reach out to him any more.

[jhkbuzz]

And if he really wants me back he could have contacted me directly. But he didn't.

Yes.  You already know that this ^ would be the healthy, adult way for him to approach b/u situation if he decided that he acted too quickly, too rashly, and that he still had feelings for you.

But that's not what he did... .so here's something to consider.  Think about the last several months of your r/s - before you broke up.  THAT'S the reality of your r/s.  THAT'S what you will live with for the next 5, 10, 15 20 years if you are able to reconcile. Your heart is focused on the POTENTIAL of your partner; how awesome he is UNDERNEATH all the ___... .and if you could only have THAT part 24/7 you would be blissfully happy. But he is BOTH parts - the "good" side that you see and that is sometimes present, and the crazy-making dysfunctional BPD side that makes the r/s chaotic and miserable.  You WILL have to live with both if you reconcile.

Do you think you can endure that?  If you think you can, you should be on the undecided board.  If you can't, stay here and remain n/c.

[peace_seeker]

But that's not what he did... .so here's something to consider.  Think about the last several months of your r/s - before you broke up.  THAT'S the reality of your r/s.  THAT'S what you will live with for the next 5, 10, 15 20 years if you are able to reconcile. Your heart is focused on the POTENTIAL of your partner; how awesome he is UNDERNEATH all the ___... .and if you could only have THAT part 24/7 you would be blissfully happy. But he is BOTH parts - the "good" side that you see and that is sometimes present, and the crazy-making dysfunctional BPD side that makes the r/s chaotic and miserable.  You WILL have to live with both if you reconcile.

Hi jhkbuzz, interesting that you brought up this point. This got me reminded of a conversation that I had with my T during one of our earlier sessions. my T was asking me why would I still want my ex back after all these abusive mails he sent me post BU. And I told him that sometimes I still dream that one day he will realize his issues and seek help and be the good him again. But my T reminded me that he the 'good' and the 'bad' side are just who he is. And if he's not able to even recognise and take responsibility of the role he played that leads to the breakup, then he will never take ownership of his own issues, and he will not be able to change... .This conversation helped me stayed focused and determined on detaching for a good while.

I guess I'm in the Bargaining stage of recovery. Probably somehow accepted the fact that it's over, but still trying very hard to find hints of him still loving me to keep my hopes going. I thought i was out of FOG, but I guess i am not, for sometimes i still wonder if I am the one who have overly focused on his bads and oversee his goods, that's why things will turn out so bad now (still going thru the self blaming/guilt).

And i'm definitely gonna stay on this board. Not going to put myself back in that vulnerable stage again... .so thank u so much for reminding me of the right thing to do!

[jhkbuzz]

But that's not what he did... .so here's something to consider.  Think about the last several months of your r/s - before you broke up.  THAT'S the reality of your r/s.  THAT'S what you will live with for the next 5, 10, 15 20 years if you are able to reconcile. Your heart is focused on the POTENTIAL of your partner; how awesome he is UNDERNEATH all the ___... .and if you could only have THAT part 24/7 you would be blissfully happy. But he is BOTH parts - the "good" side that you see and that is sometimes present, and the crazy-making dysfunctional BPD side that makes the r/s chaotic and miserable.  You WILL have to live with both if you reconcile.

I guess I'm in the Bargaining stage of recovery. Probably somehow accepted the fact that it's over, but still trying very hard to find hints of him still loving me to keep my hopes going. I thought i was out of FOG, but I guess i am not, for sometimes i still wonder if I am the one who have overly focused on his bads and oversee his goods, that's why things will turn out so bad now (still going thru the self blaming/guilt).

And i'm definitely gonna stay on this board. Not going to put myself back in that vulnerable stage again... .so thank u so much for reminding me of the right thing to do!

What exactly does this mean? What is your "hope"?  That his "love" for you will help him overcome his disorder and start to treat you the way you should be treated?  That his "love" for you will heal him and enable him to interact in healthy, adult ways in your r/s?

This is the truth: in his own (perhaps immature and selfish) way he DOES love you.  But he is disordered, and his love for you (or your love for him) will not change this reality in any way, shape or form.

You are engaging in a little bit of magical thinking here - that "love" will overcome his disorder and you both will live happily ever after.  I understand... .so no criticism is intended. I've engaged in quite a bit of magical thinking myself.  But it's important not to make decisions from this kind of thinking... .you will experience a tsunami of self-imposed pain if you do.

Sadly, the truth appears to be that you both have feelings for one another - but his disorder makes it impossible for him to be in a healthy, adult r/s.

[peace_seeker]

What exactly does this mean? What is your "hope"?  That his "love" for you will help him overcome his disorder and start to treat you the way you should be treated?  That his "love" for you will heal him and enable him to interact in healthy, adult ways in your r/s?

This is the truth: in his own (perhaps immature and selfish) way he DOES love you.  But he is disordered, and his love for you (or your love for him) will not change this reality in any way, shape or form.

You are engaging in a little bit of magical thinking here - that "love" will overcome his disorder and you both will live happily ever after.  I understand... .so no criticism is intended. I've engaged in quite a bit of magical thinking myself.  But it's important not to make decisions from this kind of thinking... .you will experience a tsunami of self-imposed pain if you do.

Sadly, the truth appears to be that you both have feelings for one another - but his disorder makes it impossible for him to be in a healthy, adult r/s.

Thanks for putting this into a bit more perspective. Yes you are so right about this magical thinking... .hoping that one day he will miss me so much and realize that what he had demanded me to do is wrong. Even though I know that will probably never happen, but his demand (asking me to cut ties with my brother), is just so wrong that i find it hard to convince myself that he will never realize his mistake. but then, they dont think the way we do, so it's probably something that I will nv be able to fully comprehend but just have to accept.

Yes, i do believe that he does love me in his own ways but he just can't see that I love him just as much. i really dont know which would be easier for me to move on - to know that this r/s cant continue cos of his BPD issues, or that if he's normal and just doesn't loves me anymore. Such heartbreaking dramas... .

[CloseToFreedom]

But that's not what he did... .so here's something to consider.  Think about the last several months of your r/s - before you broke up.  THAT'S the reality of your r/s.  THAT'S what you will live with for the next 5, 10, 15 20 years if you are able to reconcile. Your heart is focused on the POTENTIAL of your partner; how awesome he is UNDERNEATH all the ___... .and if you could only have THAT part 24/7 you would be blissfully happy. But he is BOTH parts - the "good" side that you see and that is sometimes present, and the crazy-making dysfunctional BPD side that makes the r/s chaotic and miserable.  You WILL have to live with both if you reconcile.

I guess I'm in the Bargaining stage of recovery. Probably somehow accepted the fact that it's over, but still trying very hard to find hints of him still loving me to keep my hopes going. I thought i was out of FOG, but I guess i am not, for sometimes i still wonder if I am the one who have overly focused on his bads and oversee his goods, that's why things will turn out so bad now (still going thru the self blaming/guilt).

And i'm definitely gonna stay on this board. Not going to put myself back in that vulnerable stage again... .so thank u so much for reminding me of the right thing to do!

What exactly does this mean? What is your "hope"?  That his "love" for you will help him overcome his disorder and start to treat you the way you should be treated?  That his "love" for you will heal him and enable him to interact in healthy, adult ways in your r/s?

This is the truth: in his own (perhaps immature and selfish) way he DOES love you.  But he is disordered, and his love for you (or your love for him) will not change this reality in any way, shape or form.

You are engaging in a little bit of magical thinking here - that "love" will overcome his disorder and you both will live happily ever after.  I understand... .so no criticism is intended. I've engaged in quite a bit of magical thinking myself.  But it's important not to make decisions from this kind of thinking... .you will experience a tsunami of self-imposed pain if you do.

Sadly, the truth appears to be that you both have feelings for one another - but his disorder makes it impossible for him to be in a healthy, adult r/s.

YES! I've done so much magical thinking in the past four years, all the times we split up I was into magical thinking, that love could overcome everything. The thing is, because a BPD person comes back for recycles often, you start to believe in the magical thinking. So once it is truly over with no interest from the other person to get back to you, it is VERY frustrating that this magical thinking does not work anymore.

[jhkbuzz]

i really dont know which would be easier for me to move on - to know that this r/s cant continue cos of his BPD issues, or that if he's normal and just doesn't loves me anymore. Such heartbreaking dramas... .

For me, the BPD reason is harder. Everyone has been through breakups that happen because feelings have changed... .it's sad, but it's straightforward and seems easier to heal from.  

But to know that there are genuine feelings on both sides... .that the disorder keeps both people from experiencing a happy, healthy r/s... .in addition to the fact that the crazy-making behavior that the disordered person leads the "non's" head spin trying to make "sense" of it all (impossible task, btw!) - all of this, for me makes the "BPD reason" much, much hard to process and heal from.

[Perdita]

But i dont know why i'm back to the 'believing he's still in love with me' stage and being drag back into lots of ruminating and missing him. but yes i'll keep strong. At least now i don't have that intense urge to reach out to him any more.

Totally normal to be dragged back into that.  It will be like that for a while, I'm sure.  The beauty of the Leaving board is that we can come here and basically say "Help! Stop me from doing this!"  I know if/when the time comes I'll be on here asking for the same help.   

[Perdita]

He is the one who doesn't want me, but yet he appears to be in great pain of losing me. It also kills me to when he use terms like 'we' in his FB. Makes me feel like as if he still sees us as an item. Then why keep the distance and refuse to take me back?

Push pull. 

It seems that BPD males in particular want you only once they can't have you.  If they can have you back it won't be long before they push you away again.  Mine pushed away his other ex big time.  She tried to save their r/s for 6 months after the biggest push.  He would send her messages asking for another chance.  She'd get hopeful, spend some time with him . . . only to soon get pushed away again.  Finally she refused to keep falling for it.  It took him another 6 months of messages begging for another chance.  She ignored these until she finally made it extra clear that it was over for good.  Then he seems to have gone underground and became obsessed.  Long story short, almost 5 years later he is still obsessed with her, but she doesn't know it. 

Makes me wonder how long before I hear from him too.  He has painted me black big time, so it might be a while but it will probably happen eventually.  If I should go back it will only be a matter of time - as in days - before he pushes me away again.  This is the way of the Borderline.

[peace_seeker]

He is the one who doesn't want me, but yet he appears to be in great pain of losing me. It also kills me to when he use terms like 'we' in his FB. Makes me feel like as if he still sees us as an item. Then why keep the distance and refuse to take me back?

Push pull. 

It seems that BPD males in particular want you only once they can't have you.  If they can have you back it won't be long before they push you away again.  Mine pushed away his other ex big time.  She tried to save their r/s for 6 months after the biggest push.  He would send her messages asking for another chance.  She'd get hopeful, spend some time with him . . . only to soon get pushed away again.  Finally she refused to keep falling for it.  It took him another 6 months of messages begging for another chance.  She ignored these until she finally made it extra clear that it was over for good.  Then he seems to have gone underground and became obsessed.  Long story short, almost 5 years later he is still obsessed with her, but she doesn't know it. 

Makes me wonder how long before I hear from him too.  He has painted me black big time, so it might be a while but it will probably happen eventually.  If I should go back it will only be a matter of time - as in days - before he pushes me away again.  This is the way of the Borderline.

I am painted black big time too and I know how painful that is. I wish he will just try to pull me back, but no, he is not. I feel so helpless – I love him this much but yet he just couldn’t see it. Since my ex was nv diagnosed, I will never know if he is BPD or not. But he is definitely verbally abusive. And one trait of a verbally abusive person is that they will define you. Whatever you say, or do, they will define it based on their interpretation or what they want to believe. And no matter how you try to explain yourself, they just will not be able to accept it and in fact they will see your explaining as part of trying to be in control. This is something that I learnt from the book “The verbally abusive relationship” by Patricia Evans. I guess this is why we always feels like if we say it louder, clearer, better, they would hear us and finally understand how much we love them. And that is probably still the ‘spell’ that I’m under – that maybe if I tell him again that I love him still as much, he might realize his mistake and come back.

But no. I know that is not going to happen, not now, and probably never, especially knowing how stubborn my ex can be.

But yet I miss him a lot. Just one of those days when I feel like dropping all my pride and contact him and let him abused me again so that I can finally get reminded again of why we part.

But I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t I shouldn’t I shouldn’t. argggh

[CloseToFreedom]

You are in a lot of pain peace seeker, I can see it from your posts. Just know you are not the only one. It will take time, but we will get out of this hell that we call life. And we will finally start to live life happily. Just hold on, and try to accept over and over again that this relationship is OVER. It's DONE. You don't WANT to go back to him, you just want to feel loved again. And this person will never truly give you that. It was all an illusion.

Easier said than done, I know, and Im still struggling with it myself. But keep on struggling. We will get out of it.

[jhkbuzz]

You are in a lot of pain peace seeker, I can see it from your posts. Just know you are not the only one. It will take time, but we will get out of this hell that we call life. And we will finally start to live life happily. Just hold on, and try to accept over and over again that this relationship is OVER. It's DONE. You don't WANT to go back to him, you just want to feel loved again. And this person will never truly give you that. It was all an illusion.

Easier said than done, I know, and Im still struggling with it myself. But keep on struggling. We will get out of it.

I never thought about looking at it that way... .

[CloseToFreedom]

You are in a lot of pain peace seeker, I can see it from your posts. Just know you are not the only one. It will take time, but we will get out of this hell that we call life. And we will finally start to live life happily. Just hold on, and try to accept over and over again that this relationship is OVER. It's DONE. You don't WANT to go back to him, you just want to feel loved again. And this person will never truly give you that. It was all an illusion.

Easier said than done, I know, and Im still struggling with it myself. But keep on struggling. We will get out of it.

I never thought about looking at it that way... .

I might be generalizing, but that's more or less why we're all having so much difficulty letting go. In the beginning they filled this hole in us, and they did it with passion and fire, because that's what they are good at. They go ALL OUT in pleasing you, mirroring you, making you feel on top of the world, giving you that dopamine release that's comparable to drugs. You feel insanely loved.

They take it away again and you spend the rest of the relationship chasing that high, and sometimes you get it, but less and less. And now that they are truly gone, you are going cold turkey and you are in much pain. I know I am. After 8 weeks the pain is severe, but it's starting to get a LITTLE big better. Day by day, step by step. When we are healed, we will perhaps find someone who will really love us and mean it, and won't love us for their own needs.

[peace_seeker]

You are in a lot of pain peace seeker, I can see it from your posts. Just know you are not the only one. It will take time, but we will get out of this hell that we call life. And we will finally start to live life happily. Just hold on, and try to accept over and over again that this relationship is OVER. It's DONE. You don't WANT to go back to him, you just want to feel loved again. And this person will never truly give you that. It was all an illusion.

Easier said than done, I know, and Im still struggling with it myself. But keep on struggling. We will get out of it.

Thanks CloseToFreedom   

thanks to this forum, at least I have somewhere to turn to when i need to get things off my chest when my counsellor is not available. One rather depressing thing is that as time goes by, the 'hype' about this breakup seems to cool down alot, and friends stop asking if I am ok - they probably expected me to be ok by now. and I feel like i have to live up to a certain expectation of being ok, and i feel bad about needing to talk to my friends about this because I'm sure they are pretty sick of my sulking. so i'm really grateful for this forum, and to participants like yourselves, who would read and share your experience. it really is important for us to feel heard and understood and to know that we are not alone... .no matter how long it is going to take.

so thank you all. this is a big hug to all who are still struggling. 

[Perdita]

so thank you all. this is a big hug to all who are still struggling. 

 Right back at you! 

[Deeno02]

To be my blunt self, No, dont do it. The choice, as has been pointed out, is indeed yours and yours alone. I reached out once and got beat about the head and neck by her for wishing her happiness. I wont ever do that again.