Feeling Hopeless

[BreakingUpWithBPD]

I don't know what to say except for that I'm feeling so depressed and hopeless. I don't see myself ever being happy again. When we had no contact, I wasn't okay but I could cope. And now that he's contacting me (and I secretly like it) I feel myself living for him again. And when he's not there, I'm not okay. Nothing seems to help. I don't want to live like this forever. People keep telling me it will get better and people are getting sick of me talking about it. But HOW does is get better? I have no hope left. I don't want to die, but I also don't want to live. I don't know how to get myself back from him. He has me all. My psychologist gives me some clarity for an hour or so, but I still find myself craving him like a drug addict (while he's with other girls). I don't know how to go on.

[jhkbuzz]

I don't know what to say except for that I'm feeling so depressed and hopeless. I don't see myself ever being happy again. When we had no contact, I wasn't okay but I could cope. And now that he's contacting me (and I secretly like it) I feel myself living for him again. And when he's not there, I'm not okay. Nothing seems to help. I don't want to live like this forever. People keep telling me it will get better and people are getting sick of me talking about it. But HOW does is get better? I have no hope left. I don't want to die, but I also don't want to live. I don't know how to get myself back from him. He has me all. My psychologist gives me some clarity for an hour or so, but I still find myself craving him like a drug addict (while he's with other girls). I don't know how to go on.

It sounds like the fact that you broke n/c is what is causing your pain... .is this correct?  

And that your pain arises from the fact that you want a r/s with him but his actions show that he does not want the same ("he's with other girls"?

The "drug addict" analogy is actually a research-based analogy - getting over a r/s is much like drug withdrawal.  This explains why you were "coping" during n/c but are now spiraling downward - it's because you took a "hit."

If this analogy is correct, you need to consider yourself to be a heroin addict, and consider:  can any "addict" truly break free of their addiction if they decide to occasionally dabble in their drug of choice?  You already know the answer to this.

The truth is that when you went n/c you began experiencing the stages of grief, which are very VERY painful in the beginning (especially, it seems, when you are recovering from a BPD r/s) but very necessary.  As you progress through the stages things DO get better over time.  For me personally it's been almost 6 months post b/u and almost 4 months n/c, and I am doing much, much better.  Not perfect; not completely healed; but much better.  However, you've now set yourself back by re-establishing contact.  If you want to regain your happiness you need to consider what will make you happy and then DO it.

But this is the rub: you can't control his behavior.  You can't MAKE him healthy, you can't MAKE him love you, you can't MAKE him stop seeing other girls.  If you love him and want this from him, it's time to get honest with yourself about your chances of getting this from him. If it is not possible to have the r/s that would make YOU happy with him, it's time to go n/c again.

[Targeted]

What I did is put all of the information that I know to be true about the relationship basically in a pot, already knowing that it is not working, but I boiled it down to what would make it work? We have been told by our Partners all about our faults in shortcomings and do to the nature of the disorder and they have been magnified outside of reality! I think you actually feel like less of a person and you really are at the moment! I know I did!  But the fact that you are searching for an answer and he is searching for a replacement makes you the one who is much better off, when I boiled my relationship down to abasic what will work and what wont I came up with the answer of my ex-girlfriend recognising her faults and honouring them and getting into therapy to fix them, I looked at my faults and realised I have them but they are menial compared to the whole dynamic, I am willing to work on my menial faults but my ex is not willing to work on her destructive nature!  That means I can do everything in the world and try as hard as I want and keep giving and giving and giving and loving and loving and loving and doing and doing and doing but it is going to all be one sided and never work!  The reason why it is she refuses to work!  Without that You have nothing but a job to do that you will never be paid for!  Your time is not only worth something it is priceless!

[Targeted]

Typo!  Did not mean to say you are less of a person at the moment, I meant to suggest you felt less of a person then you are at the moment!  Sorry ttt typo!

[fromheeltoheal]

But HOW does is get better?

By shifting your focus.  Can you remember a time when you were happy, before you met him?  What did you focus on, what was great about that time?  Go there in your head, remember what it felt like and feel that.  The challenge now is to shift the focus from him to you and from the past to the future, a future where you're happy again, and then take steps in that direction.  It may not be easy and it may take some work, but for me the payoff is that I appreciate and am grateful for things I used to take for granted before I met her, and that ends up being a gift of the relationship.  Anything worth it takes effort.  And then, as you build the life of your dreams, by putting one foot in front of the other, you will find strength you didn't know you had, and he and the emotions around him will fade into the past and lose all their intensity.  You have this to look forward to, but you gotta do the work, no other way.  What can you do today towards your new life?

[Targeted]

But HOW does is get better?

By shifting your focus.  Can you remember a time when you were happy, before you met him?  What did you focus on, what was great about that time?  Go there in your head, remember what it felt like and feel that.  The challenge now is to shift the focus from him to you and from the past to the future, a future where you're happy again, and then take steps in that direction.  It may not be easy and it may take some work, but for me the payoff is that I appreciate and am grateful for things I used to take for granted before I met her, and that ends up being a gift of the relationship.  Anything worth it takes effort.  And then, as you build the life of your dreams, by putting one foot in front of the other, you will find strength you didn't know you had, and he and the emotions around him will fade into the past and lose all their intensity.  You have this to look forward to, but you gotta do the work, no other way.  What can you do today towards your new life?

I love this!   Just saying!