Wanted me to be friends with her new boyfriend.

[rapror496]

When my ex randomly left after 3 years me she wanted me to be friends with her new boyfriend. Is this in anyway normal? She would then tell me I was making him mad when I called to get my stuff back. Like I should really care how he feels? She tried hiding the fact that they where together when'I was over even though she changed her status to being in a relationship with him. She kept telling me that she didn't leave me for him even though she started the relationship with him the day she left me.

Why would anyone  think this is ok?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey rapror, Go forward with your life and don't look back.  Why should you be friends with her new SO?  No reason.  She's only trying to get a reaction out of you in order to keep you "hooked" to some extent.  Don't fall for it.  Be grateful that it's over and Move on, my friend.  LuckyJim

[Turkish]

My Ex wants me to be involved more in the lives of her and her bf, aka, her affair partner, now fiancee. Maybe I'm suppose to teach this "kid" who's indeed young enough to be my son, how to be a step-father, I don't know.

Though my T only saw her twice before she quit, he observed that she was good at compartmentalizing in many areas of her life:

www.psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-defense-mechanisms/0001251

5. Compartmentalization

Compartmentalization is a lesser form of dissociation, wherein parts of oneself are separated from awareness of other parts and behaving as if one had separate sets of values. An example might be an honest person who cheats on their income tax return and keeps their two value systems distinct and un-integrated while remaining unconscious of the cognitive dissonance.

":)is-integrated" is what he also observed, based upon my tale of how the past year unfolded. "Sure, I cheated, I made a 'mistake' [this was her word, even though she kept doing it], but Turkish is a 'good man' [again, her words] and I want to keep him in my life." Her behaviors, still, signal to me that I should align with her "un-integrated" value system. Her fiancee also seems to want to be friends with me. It's weird to us, whose value-systems are probably pretty solid and consistent. I offer that your ex is acting in a similar manner.

It's how she thinks to avoid that cognitive dissonance. Since this is a trait so ingrained in her psyche, and how she's coped her whole life, most likely, she probably can't understand why you think differently. In this case, it's up to you to assert your own boundaries, because pwBPD will continue to test them. In a way, like me, she's partially split you white.

[Vatz]

My ex wanted me to be friends with one of her old friends. She knew he liked her but from how she described it, things were platonic between them two. Fine, I figured why not. At the time I figured it wouldn't be such a big deal. Even though she cheated before, I still approached the situation with a "I'll never know until we see." I'm normally not the jealous type to begin with and on top of that, I really hoped that maybe in this way, it would somehow count as a baby-step to her changing her behavior. Think of it like trusting a kid with a responsibility even though you're not sure they're ready, and in some time she spoke of not wanting to hurt me again with her cheating. So as a sign of good faith basically I went out on a limb to show her I'm willing to trust again. Not sure what it says about me that I can do that even after having been cheated on. My T said I showed a lot of mental and emotional fortitude, that I am able to keep it together even when something like that happens.

Point is, I was wrong to trust her, and after that I think I was done. I was never able to trust her to remain faithful after that. Even though I was with her afterwards, I always understood that she's unreliable. The real pain came when I wondered if it was her behavior, or her lack of attraction to me that had her stray so often. I don't regret that I tried to trust her, I needed to know. I had to see. But... .

Anyway, that's the long way of saying that yes, I know what you mean. It didn't end well, and if she's already with her new man, it will only be worse.

[Vatz]

Right, so all ranting aside I'd say the others are right. This whole thing isn't worth it. Move on.

Also, you said she broke it off randomly. I would think about that for a moment. Maybe it wasn't random after all. Try not to take it personally though, BPDs tend to do that. Its just her nature. So yes its "normal" for her. But I'd guess that this isn't something you would do.

[Infern0]

mine told me that her new boyfriend "hated me" for all the pain "I" caused "her". That she loved him and was going to be with him forever.

within 2 months she was sending me nude snapchats and asking me to go over and bang her while he was out with his friends  

[Splitblack4good]

My Ex wants me to be involved more in the lives of her and her bf, aka, her affair partner, now fiancee. Maybe I'm suppose to teach this "kid" who's indeed young enough to be my son, how to be a step-father, I don't know.

Though my T only saw her twice before she quit, he observed that she was good at compartmentalizing in many areas of her life:

www.psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-defense-mechanisms/0001251

5. Compartmentalization

Compartmentalization is a lesser form of dissociation, wherein parts of oneself are separated from awareness of other parts and behaving as if one had separate sets of values. An example might be an honest person who cheats on their income tax return and keeps their two value systems distinct and un-integrated while remaining unconscious of the cognitive dissonance.

":)is-integrated" is what he also observed, based upon my tale of how the past year unfolded. "Sure, I cheated, I made a 'mistake' [this was her word, even though she kept doing it], but Turkish is a 'good man' [again, her words] and I want to keep him in my life." Her behaviors, still, signal to me that I should align with her "un-integrated" value system. Her fiancee also seems to want to be friends with me. It's weird to us, whose value-systems are probably pretty solid and consistent. I offer that your ex is acting in a similar manner.

It's how she thinks to avoid that cognitive dissonance. Since this is a trait so ingrained in her psyche, and how she's coped her whole life, most likely, she probably can't understand why you think differently. In this case, it's up to you to assert your own boundaries, because pwBPD will continue to test them. In a way, like me, she's partially split you white.

Turkish your reply to this has just answerd one thing in my mind I never thought I'd understand or even get close to understanding . When I broke up with my now ex BPDgf she got a replacement the next day that moved in instantly . She has 4 children that saw me like more of a farther figure than ther real dad and my ex loved the fact the kids adored me and could see they bonded in a way like no other bf she's had . a week after the b/u and without battering an eye lid said to me come over and we will talk as the kids still want to see you they love you and miss you and her new bf was even ok with me coming over twice a week to see the kids . I was in shock and could not beleive she would even suggest it let alone think it was a normal thing to even say ! When I told her I wasn't comfitable with it and explained that while I love them like my own it wouldn't be fair on them or me and would confuse them and secondly I explained that although we were split up I still love her and still have feelings for her and will not help in anyway the response I got was this ( your just saying that and letting them down ! Your selfish ! I do not have any feelings for you and I do not love you anymore so do not make excuses ) so unreal and clearly cannot see my healthy reason why seeing her kids while she has got a replacement that moved in within 24 hours after the split was sensible and any mentally healthy person would agree . I saw from that moment that I loved a crazy person and as if I wasn't split black enough already I was split even blacker ! I'm also guessing that poss another reason she still wanted me in her kids lives is atatchment ? My ex CAN NOT be alone full stop ! Her feelings and fear of loneliness are very intense as well of fear of abandonment and my replacement she had only known for 12 hours my ex grabbed him out of sheer panic and lack of impulse control the day after I broke up with her . Was convenient for him as he got out of prison a few days before and was homeless and convenient for her as she is scared to death of being alone she slept with him that night and he never left and think she was insecure about the fact she had only been with him a week when she suggested I still see her children . They have been together 3 months now and I'm still getting contact from her at random times normaly blaming me for something that hasn't happened or shes Lord about ! Crazy making .