Speechless: What are the childhood issues with BPD? Continuing to villianize me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I have spoken my sister here with BPD.  We went no contact last summer after a rampage of txts from her accusing me of leading a "smear campaign" of her.  If I were to make a list of words to describe the symptoms of her I would list:  Paranoid, volatile,  unreasonable expectations of other people, addiction issues,  view life as black and white,  hates most people cause she thinks they did something to her as a child or later.

The latest ridicule is that my sister is going back in time and telling my father that I have always been MEAN to her and basically because she really "got nothing on me" she is going back to when I was 10 years old and saying I "hung her doll out the window and I squirted her with her baby bottle of milk".   First off:  my brother did this although I can't say this due to the fact she is going back 38 years and I don't remember most stuff from that age.  BUT,   I was speechless and still am.

Why is it so important for her to keep digging and digging to prove that I am mean?   

Just venting as I know nothing can be done about this and she has to believe what she does and I have to let go of that.

just still hurts at some level.   

[funfunctional]

Hi,

I have spoken my sister here with BPD.  We went no contact last summer after a rampage of txts from her accusing me of leading a "smear campaign" of her.  If I were to make a list of words to describe the symptoms of her I would list:  Paranoid, volatile,  unreasonable expectations of other people, addiction issues,  view life as black and white,  hates most people cause she thinks they did something to her as a child or later.

The latest ridicule is that my sister is going back in time and telling my father that I have always been MEAN to her and basically because she really "got nothing on me" she is going back to when I was 10 years old and saying I "hung her doll out the window and I squirted her with her baby bottle of milk".   First off:  my brother did this although I can't say this due to the fact she is going back 38 years and I don't remember most stuff from that age.  BUT,   I was speechless and still am.

Why is it so important for her to keep digging and digging to prove that I am mean?   

Just venting as I know nothing can be done about this and she has to believe what she does and I have to let go of that.

just still hurts at some level.   

[Kwamina]

Why is it so important for her to keep digging and digging to prove that I am mean?  

Perhaps because she feels like a 'bad' or 'mean' person herself and projecting an image of you being mean to her then allows her to feel better about herself. At least for a fleeting moment because the reality is that you cannot raise your own self-esteem by bringing others down.

just still hurts at some level.  

Your sister's behavior isn't pleasant at all. Would you say that the hurt you're feeling is because of her words getting to you? Or perhaps because of the constant reminder that she unfortunately probably isn't gonna change while you still on some level might be holding on to the hope that maybe some day things are going to be different?

[Harri]

Hi Fun. 

Why is it so important for her to keep digging and digging to prove that I am mean?

I agree with Kwamina that this is projection and has nothing to do with you.  I understand how much this kind of thing hurts.  I think most of us can relate actually.  The thing is, this is not about you or you being 'mean'.  As hurtful and as personal as your sisters behaviors and words may be, they are not about you and who you are. 

Have you had a chance to read about projection?  Sometimes understanding how that works helps lessen the hurt and frustration a bit though I don't expect it will eliminate the hurt.

Is your father telling you this stuff?  Is he 'venting' to you about it or is it something else?

[funfunctional]

Both Kwamin.   I think her words do get to me and I also hope she will change but not feeling she can.   This is who she is.   Actually,  I think she is quite nasty.  A bit like an injured wildcat clawing out at anything around her.   

What hurts the most is that my brother who I would not diagnose as BPD however I remember my mother always saying he had a "personality disorder" from when he was teen.   Interesting my mom used that word.  My mom was not BPD.    My brother and my sister refer to me as mean and have told people in the family I am mean but now they don't even talk to these family members at all and have alienated themselves from them.   

I guess the referring to me as mean or trying to paint me that way bothers me but I know I was not mean and never have been.   I don't know what created these dynamics but I will say I am the only one out of the 3 of us that is career successful meaning I can put a solid roof over my head and earn money and also was very aggressive in becoming independent early on during my teen years.  I am the survivor.

[funfunctional]

HI Harri,

I will look up projection.   I think both you and kwam have a point there that I need to read up more on.

My dad is venting.  Right now I am his only kid that is playing on some balanced ground.

My brother doesn't talk to him at all and my sister is not steady.     My dad keeps trying to say "she is getting better and going to AA... .blah blah".    I sound like the pessimist but not buying it.    Seen too much.  It is wishful thinking on his part.

[Harri]

Hi again.  It took me a long time to figure out that when some people call you mean (or rude, or insensitive, etc ) it often means that I am saying something they do not want to hear.  I have, on occasion, said something as daring as "No thank you" only to later hear that I was being obnoxious and hurt their feelings.

People like that annoy me. 

I understand that your father is venting, but he is also repeating hurtful things and I wish he would stop doing that to you.  I would be skeptical about your sister getting better and going to AA too.  I would want to see not just improvement but a good solid two years of controlling herself and her emotions and projections before I would even consider that she was "better".

I am glad you are going to read up about projection.  I really think it is what is going on here and understanding it can help you quite a bit.  When people are so caught up in their projections, they are not really seeing you at all. 

[Kwamina]

I have, on occasion, said something as daring as "No thank you" only to later hear that I was being obnoxious and hurt their feelings.

People like that annoy me.  

What did you say to that person Harri?  How dare you speak the truth! 'No, thank you' is really a horrible thing to say to someone. How dare you have boundaries and say no!

[funfunctional]

Thanks

I agree that my dad needs to stop repeating hurtful stuff

He is just making the situation worse

We arent mean.  I think we see through their game of manipulation

[Linda Maria]

Hi funfunctional!  Sorry to hear about the pain your sister is causing you.  I agree with the others about projection.  My uBPDsis really turned on me just after my Mum died nearly 2 years ago.  I couldn't make any sense of what she was saying.  When I said that a visit to my Mum's holiday bungalow (250 miles away)to let a surveyor in didn't need 2 of us, and I was happy to go alone (she had already started being weird and nasty by then, and I was walking on eggshells, but had spent a horrendous week with her at this bungalow, and couldn't face going there again with her for an overnight stay) she accused me of excluding her - saying it was "her" property as well!  I hadn't said it in a nasty way, so I said, don't be silly - I'm happy for you to do the visit if you want to go, it just doesn't need both of us.  She then started to accuse me of hating her etc.  She later sent me an email saying how I had always hated her etc etc.  It was so far from the truth - even now, after a lot worse things have been said and done by her, I still don't hate her, I just want to be left in peace.  Everytime I had to communicate with her (because of my Mum's estate), it didn't matter how nice I was, how civil, how business like etc. I would just get really nasty letters and texts back, that didn't relate in any way to my communication, didn't answer any of the points, and were full of mad and sometimes truly vile accusations.  It was the pathological lying that prompted me to do some research, and lead me to realise that she is probably BPD.  It made sense of all the mad stories she'd told over the last 20 years - she has been a constant victim of various workplaces, utility companies, neighbours, and ex boyfriends.  None of it has ever really stacked up, but I have always just been supportive and listened and offered help and solutions - which I realised early on were never followed up because she just wanted these dramas to continue.  It's only now I honestly don't think there was probably even a grain of truth in these stories.  I had always thought they were exaggerated but given that everything she has said about me, solicitors, estate agents etc for the last 2 years has been a complete lie, I can completely see through it.  The thing that is helpful about that, is it means I just can't take any of it seriously any more, though of course it still hurts sometimes, and is frustrating.  Once I gave up trying to sort things out with her, distanced myself, and put it in the hands of a solicitor it was much easier.  Not just because the hate mail went to my solicitor and not me, so I didn't have to see her awful writing on envelopes on my doormat, which used to give me palpitations worrying what would be in them, but because my solicitor could see straight through it, as could all the other professionals involved.  I would start saying to these people - Honestly - I have never said or done these things - and they would just say - Of course not!  We know that!  This stuff is just nasty, weird lies, it's hard enough for us, but it's just a job, it must be awful for you.  I didn't especially need their sympathy, but it made me feel a million times better knowing that other people could see it for what it was.  They might not want to be involved, and they might not understand about BPD, but they could see through all the rubbish, the lies etc.  She jerked everyone around so much, it was clear who had the problem.  Have gone off the point there - meant to say that she also threw things from the past in my face, not as far back as childhood, but things from the last 20 years.  But again - they weren't true - so instead of being hurt I was just bewildered.  She accused me in front of my daughter of not being there to register my Dad's death with her and my Mum, because the week after he died I was too busy planning my wedding!  I was there with her and my Mum - I stayed with my Mum the whole week after he died - and my name is on his death certificate as a witness!  She had the certificate in front of her as she told this story!  What can you do?  I wish you well with it, and do try not to take it personally as the stuff they come out with is just rubbish, and not to be taken seriously.  Easier said than done though, I know!

[funfunctional]

Thank you Linda Marie,

Yes.  almost everything you said about your sister and her behavior I can relate to.  I go thru the same.   We need the validation at times from others that is it HER/THEM and not us.

I am struggling today. 

But thanks for the words... .all of them... .even the ones you think are off track cause they are not off track they are so helpful.     

[Harri]

Hi Fun.  I am sorry to read that you are struggling today.  I don't have any words to make it any easier or to make you feel better Fun, though I wish i did.  Would it help to write some more here?  I can listen, so if you want to chat, go for it.  

Kwamina, unfortunately that person who said I was being obnoxious for simply saying no thank you was a person I worked with for about 4 years.  There were a few people like that in my department, including my immediate supervisor at the time.  So I said nothing as I had already learned the hard way that whatever I said was twisted and blown out of proportion.  I call people like that passive aggressive bullies... .you know, those who are get offended at the most benign things and then turn around and set you up to take the fall while they play victim?  Bleh!  Unfortunately, I do not deal well with that kind of stuff.  It took me a while to detach... .and I could only do that after I stopped working.  Heh... .in retrospect, my work situation should have been a really big warning to me that I was falling back into old patterns after we had a big and fast turnover in our office and especially in my department when I had been out on medical leave.  When I returned to work after a long absence, things had drastically changed and I did not deal well.

To tie that back to this thread and being mean, again Fun, I know how hard it is and how much it hurts.  The above was about just a few of my co-workers and that is bad enough.  When it is family and then you have others who are trying to triangulate like your dad, it hurts even more.

[funfunctional]

Thanks Harri,

Yesterday was a bad day for a couple reasons.  My aunt whom is like my 2nd mom (lost mom 10 years ago) is getting bad.  I am grieving her illness and miss her love and support.  She is 72 and such a young looking woman and has advanced altzeimers.   

My x husband had a baby yesterday and I am upset not becuz of baby but about the impact this will have on my two great kids that I have single parented.   He gives me child support to help but it is a lot of well worth it work to raise them but at times I get overwhelmed.  My 2nd husband supports me and loves me and for that I am so thankful. He has two of his own.    Life has been a ride for sure but I am glad my x husband did what he did but I hate how little he does for his own two kids.     

I am tired of dealing with selfish narcissists and BPD people.    I deal with my MIL who is a complete extreme BPD case.  My sister.   My x husband who is not BPD but is just selfish but is a "Poor ME" martyre so self focused it is sickening.    that could be worse however.

But that is my rant.   I worked thru the stuff with sister in my mind and did speak to my dad about his not sharing with me the hurtful stuff.    My sister will not apologize because it is way too much drama fun for her to hate me.    It is easier to blame other people for our own issues.

thanks Harri!    Sorry your work associates are pains in the aXXXX.    I have ONE person in my office who is extremely difficult and that is enough.  Yowza!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Funfunctional,

I read your post a few days ago and didn't have time to comment then but I had something on my mind to share with you. What you said below sounds hurtful and spiteful. I can hear the pain it is causing you, and I'm sorry that you are having to walk through this yuck over and over.

The latest ridicule is that my sister is going back in time and telling my father that I have always been MEAN to her... .   

I was speechless and still am.

Why is it so important for her to keep digging and digging to prove that I am mean?   

Lately I've been reading a book that has been very helpful to me, and there was a moment of startling revelation to me when I read that some people try their best to define us. For example, your sister is defining you by saying you are mean. I often hear my DH defining me now that I'm aware of what defining is. The other day he defined me by saying I am like my uBPDm. I felt wounded and was very discouraged for a couple of days. This time however, I started feeling better much sooner than in the past because I remembered that he was trying to define me once again. I chose to not let the definition stick that day, and it helped so much. I keep having to say the mantra that he's trying to define me, but my definition of who I am doesn't come from him, only if I let it.

It's hard to unlearn the definitions my uBPDm gave me to me. I'm sure it is just as difficult for you with your sister. I'm so glad you are sharing your struggles with us. 

Wools

[funfunctional]

Thank you Wools.   I love what you said.  "she is trying to define me".    That is SO TRUE.    She HAS to believe I am mean and wants to define me as mean.

I will not allow that.    Thank you for saying that.

I am appreciative I can share my struggles here.  I had a couple bad days last week for various reasons and have turned that around.   Gym time helps!  Meditation helps!

[Kwamina]

Gym time helps!  Meditation helps!

Glad to hear you're feeling better funfun

[funfunctional]

Thank you Kwamini!



And tonight I am going out to have some funfun!    Dinner with my emotionally stable and healthy husband.  WHEW!  LOL

[Harri]

Hi Fun!  Well I hop you and hubby had an enjoyable evening.  I love what Wools wrote about not letting her define you, that is an excellent way to put it. 

[polly87]

Hi funfunctional I hope you don't mind my joining in here... .What Woolspinner said about defining is great. It's true that the pwBPD often try to define us, the nons, in a negative manner. If that's all you hear from a loved one, you start to believe it and it's hard to unlearn that. I think that if the pwBPD, in your case your sister, doesn't believe you're mean or bad or you name it, then they'd have to rethink whether they've been treating you right and that's not what they want (or are even capable of)... .

I hope this makes sense 

And I hope you've had a good night out with your husband.

[funfunctional]

yes Polly

makes sense

She is actually quite MEAN to me and others but has to justify it.

Got it!