i am obsessed with the injustice

[cobwebfaery]

can anyone help

i realise about the past and how my BPD (possibly) parent COULD NOT HELP IT but the fact that i am able to see that i was depressed throughout most of my life - until breakdown in 2006, - especially during my childhood seems to be causing me to go mad and behave revoltingly badly with the parent concerned. 

i live near and can be very helpful and vice versa, i'm in my 50s she's in her 70s.

but what actually happens is i get depressed by her behaviour to me which i think is deliberately upsetting, you see.  this depression LITERALLY GROUNDS ME AT THIS PARENT'S HOUSE. then i compound the situation's grimness and extend its damaging effect to her by verbally attacking her really, overreacting etc.  drama. then i stay home.

she won't listen to my idea of seeing her on  a regular schedule (plus any extra communication but not my going to her place or ringing her she and my sibling damn this as 'rigid' unnatural etc.  meanwhile i stay round my mother's and hate myself for reacting to her goads and get depressed take to my bed etc etc.

the community mental health team don't input much but i'v left a message with them - hate resorting to that as it genuinely stressed my mother. 

it's as if i feel i must have it out with her as if she could ever acknowledge let alone apologise, it's like something greater than me hungers for justice.  i just feel most comfortable going back to the sixties and seventies in my mind and just seeing what i saw as a 'deadened-feeling, depressed? not quite there [had BPD of sorts myself almost definitely, certainly antisocial p.d.) and now i can be there at last, it's great . that's what people don't realise when they say let go of the past and move on etc.  having said that i thought i was really starting to.  but i'll never stop going back as its where i was last alive?me?young? i nknow: it was WHERE I LAST HAD THE POTENTIAL TO BE A REAL PERSON (let alone achieve dreams).

i keep feeling such ANGER at the INACTION of ALL THE ONLOOKERS so to speak.  my brain tells me to be reasonable, that little snapshots over time of a withdrawn child do not help an onlooker to KNOW or even enquire as to what the child is experiencing at home or the mother suffering with mental illness.  i feel sorrow and the beginnings of rage at my (mentally normal) father who it would seem just left me with someone he must have known could never truly care about me or look out for me, despite what i now think was and is a great act to convince perhaps herself as well as others. i stil have doubts, maybe she does love me - she's always been there for me, and she visited me in hospital and she remembers all the dates of things. 

i'm just ruining my life and hers and i am also putting our healths at risk in effect. any advice gratefully received. 

[Kwamina]

Hi cobwebfaery

It's clear from your post that you're having a though time at the moment. You mention going back in time to when 'you last had the potential to be a real person'. Do you feel like you aren't a real person now then?

You also mention being depressed throughout most of your adult life and still getting depressed when you've been around your mother. Were you ever treated for your depression in the past?

Accepting the reality of the past isn't an easy thing to do. I think many of us on this board have struggled with acceptance and still often might found ourselves struggling. Are you familiar with the concept of radical acceptance? Radical acceptance consists of three parts:

1. Accepting reality as it is

2. Accepting that everything has a cause

3. Accepting and believing that life can still be worth living even with painful events in it

You can read more about radical acceptance here:

Radical Acceptance --> From Suffering to Freedom: Practicing Reality Acceptance

[clljhns]

Hi cobwebfaery,

I want to join Kwamina in welcoming you and I have many of the same suggestions and questions, particularly about your depression. Are you seeing a mental health professional to help with this?

i keep feeling such ANGER at the INACTION of ALL THE ONLOOKERS so to speak.  my brain tells me to be reasonable, that little snapshots over time of a withdrawn child do not help an onlooker to KNOW or even enquire as to what the child is experiencing at home or the mother suffering with mental illness.  i feel sorrow and the beginnings of rage at my (mentally normal) father who it would seem just left me with someone he must have known could never truly care about me or look out for me, despite what i now think was and is a great act to convince perhaps herself as well as others. i stil have doubts, maybe she does love me - she's always been there for me, and she visited me in hospital and she remembers all the dates of things. 

Since you and I are close in age, my guess is that we grew up in a time when most people didn't feel that they could intervene. Most people of our generation held the belief that it was the parents' prerogative to raise their children how they felt. You have every right to be angry about your situation in childhood. What are you doing to express this anger and manage it?

It sounds as if you have a lot of pain and anguish to work through. I hope that you are seeing a professional to help with this. If not, would you consider seeing a professional? I saw a therapist for more than a year, and then recently went back into therapy. I found it incredibly helpful to deal the anger and the pain.

Let us know how you are doing.