Sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I definitely need help.

[HopeJoy]

I definitely need help.

[Harri]

Hi Hope.  Is there anything in particular you want help with?  Your title says sister.  Do you have a sister with BPD that you want to talk about?

[funfunctional]

Hello HopeJoy,

How can we help you?   

[Kwamina]

Hi HopeJoy

I would like to join Harri and funfunctional in welcoming you to our online community

You say you need help, that's true for many of us especially when we first got here. Could you tell us a bit more about what's going on in your life? The title of your post is 'Sister', are you having problems with your sister? Do you believe your sister has BPD? If so what are the things your sister does that you find the most difficult to deal with and would like to get some advice on?

[HopeJoy]

Thanks for asking. Things are ok but I am having a hard time dealing with the relationship. I am currently not speaking to my sister who is BP. It's always difficult to communicate with her for many reasons. I don't want to be unkind, uncaring, or unloving. It's very hard for me not to get in touch with her because I love her so much, but I can't keep going back for more abuse. I am 60 yrs old and recently lost my husband. I am straying to cope with my new life. I have helped my sister emotionally and financially. But it's never enough to satisfy her needs. She says and does cruel things. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Joann

[Kwamina]

Hi again HopeJoy,

I am very sorry to hear you recently lost your husband, I'd like to offer you my sincere condolences.

How long have you not been speaking to your sister? And has your sister been officially diagnosed with BPD?

Dealing with abuse isn't pleasant at all so I definitely understand why you want to protect yourself from this. Could you perhaps tell us some more about the types of abuse your sister has subjected you to? What does she say and do to you that you find most difficult to deal with?

[HopeJoy]

Although my sister has been diagnosed with BPD I believe she has BPD. This was pointed out to me by a therapist I saw regarding the problems I have coping with my sister's behavior. 

[HopeJoy]

Thank you. She says cruel and hurtful things. Accusers me and others of having wrong intentions. The list of incidences is very very long. Spanning a lifetime.

[HopeJoy]

I stopped speaking to her a few months ago. One night after that I came home from a long day at work and she was waiting for me at my house uninvited. She was very nice and had to stay the night because it was dark and too late for her to travel the long distance home. I was very pleasant also but uncomfortable. I had to go to work in the morning and leave her here which caused me concern because she is also accident prone. She left me a nice note and said since we are now both alone we should be there for each other. I don't think it's possible. Shortly after my husband passed she said she couldn't relate to my problems because my children and I have money!

She was living in Florida when he died. I PAID $700. For her to fly up for his funeral and she complained I wouldn't let her bring her cat! 10 days After his burial I flew down to Florida to help her pack and move up here to be near me and her son and his family. I PAID all my own expenses and some of hers. I drove the rental truck, paid the gas, meals, tolls, and hotel enroute. And she treated me like a piece of crap the whole time. I have been used and abused. I must stop enabling her to do this to me. I never ever said I expected any money back. After finding out that my children and I were getting something costly that my husband ordered just before he died, she said she would never again feel guilty about asking me for money. It's like being slapped in the face, punched in the stomach, stomped on and thrown down the stairs over and over and over. She hits below the belt every time.

[HopeJoy]

I meant she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder but also I believe she as Borderline personality disorder

[Kwamina]

I am very sorry to hear that your husband passed away. Having your sister behave the way she did unfortunately only made things even harder for you.

Although my sister has been diagnosed with BPD I believe she has BPD. This was pointed out to me by a therapist I saw regarding the problems I have coping with my sister's behavior.  

Many of the members here have undiagnosed BPD relatives in their lives. Often because their relatives refuse to acknowledge that there's anything wrong with their behavior and/or seek help for their issues. Do you feel like your sister has in any way ever acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior? Has she ever gotten any targeted treatment for her issues, perhaps for the bipolar disorder she was diagnosed with?

Thank you. She says cruel and hurtful things. Accusers me and others of having wrong intentions. The list of incidences is very very long. Spanning a lifetime.

Odds are that your sister is projecting her own inner turmoil and negativity onto you. Her hurtful comments and actions probably have nothing to do with you at all and aren't a reflection of who you really are at all. They are probably just a reflection of how she's feeling about herself which she is projecting onto you. Knowing this doesn't make such comments and actions any less unpleasant, but I do think that keeping this in mind can help you not let your sister get to you as much. I have an undiagnosed BPD mom and sis and this is one of the 'tricks' I use to deal with them.

I stopped speaking to her a few months ago. One night after that I came home from a long day at work and she was waiting for me at my house uninvited. She was very nice and had to stay the night because it was dark and too late for her to travel the long distance home. I was very pleasant also but uncomfortable. I had to go to work in the morning and leave her here which caused me concern because she is also accident prone. She left me a nice note and said since we are now both alone we should be there for each other.

I find this behavior of your sister concerning. She showed a total disregard of your boundaries by showing up at your house like that and 'forcing' you to let her stay the night there. Would you say your sister in general has a hard time respecting other people's boundaries? And do you feel comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with her? We have some information on here about boundaries that you might find helpful:

Boundaries and Values

Examples of boundaries

Take care