The only time I feel lonely

[ADecadeLost]

When I first separated from my dBPD ex-wife, I found myself struck with spells of loneliness like we all do.  Sitting at home alone was at times a very empty feeling and one that I certainly struggled with.  At first, I did whatever I could to avoid the feeling, but eventually accepted it and began to work my way through it.  Five months, that feeling has largely dissipated. 

I have become content in my time alone.  It gives me time to clear my head, think about my life/situation, and unwind from the stress of the world.  It feels much the way it used to feel before the BPD ex.  But with all my contentment in my alone time, it was something else that triggered a bout of loneliness yesterday: spending time with people.

Yep, that's right.  Three hours of midday drinks and good conversation with a group of acquaintances left me feeling as empty as I've felt in month.  I enjoyed myself throughout.  Chatted with a cute co-ed (it's amazing how much good conversation is missed after a marriage to a pwBPD), BS'd about sports/politics/and god knows what else with the guys I knew in the group, and even found myself seated next to a guy interviewing at my old university this week (wild coincidence as it's a tiny private school states away that no one has heard of).  A good time start to finish.  Yet by the time I had made the 10 minute drive home, all the positive energy seemed to slip away. 

I walked into my empty house, sat down, and suddenly felt lonely.  I know this too will dissipate with time, but it was just an absolutely frustrating feeling to know that such positive social interaction (at least when over) triggered this feeling in me.  While not overpowering, it did cast a shadow over the rest of my afternoon.  Guess something about the experience just triggered a different emptiness, I hadn't addressed yet.  More work to be done.

[downwhim]

I try very hard to stay busy all the time. I hate being in my home alone. I realize I need to move as I am only a few miles from him and I do not want to run into him and my replacement.

Mornings are the worst. I wake up and feel this pit in my stomach. Like, yep, it is real. I am alone and he is not here and never coming back. I refuse to break N/C as I know in my heart it will only hurt ME.

When I have gone out dancing and tried to mingle with others it is hard for me. I am use to being a couple. For 8 years I was not alone. It is difficult but necessary for me to move on.

[peace_seeker]

But with all my contentment in my alone time, it was something else that triggered a bout of loneliness yesterday: spending time with people.

Yep, that's right.  Three hours of midday drinks and good conversation with a group of acquaintances left me feeling as empty as I've felt in month.  I enjoyed myself throughout.  Chatted with a cute co-ed (it's amazing how much good conversation is missed after a marriage to a pwBPD), BS'd about sports/politics/and god knows what else with the guys I knew in the group, and even found myself seated next to a guy interviewing at my old university this week (wild coincidence as it's a tiny private school states away that no one has heard of).  A good time start to finish.  Yet by the time I had made the 10 minute drive home, all the positive energy seemed to slip away.  

I walked into my empty house, sat down, and suddenly felt lonely.  I know this too will dissipate with time, but it was just an absolutely frustrating feeling to know that such positive social interaction (at least when over) triggered this feeling in me.  While not overpowering, it did cast a shadow over the rest of my afternoon.  Guess something about the experience just triggered a different emptiness, I hadn't addressed yet.  More work to be done.

Hi ADecadeLost, I am going through the same thing too. It seems like the good times with friends will also trigger even more loneliness when the good time ends. It just seems like, the more fun and happiness i felt at one point in time, the harder i would fall the next when i'm alone again. For me, there's also another layer of confusion: whenever I am out with my friends, and whenever i do get to share my story, or get reminded of other people's standard of normal r/s, i would be very clear that mine is indeed not healthy and i'll be kinda glad to be out of it. But the end of meet up, when i'm alone, my monkey mind will slipped back into the irrational state and start missing my ex and start doubting myself. And it makes the thought of being alone really scary as I know i'll be torturing myself with my own thoughts. I have bought myself many self help book to learn more about abusive r/s and etc, so that whenever this lonely feeling is overwhelming, at least i have these books to turn to to remind myself of why I need to stay out of my r/s w my ex. hopefully you'll be able to find something to fill in your time alone as well. take good care of yourself, know that you are not alone.

[peace_seeker]

I try very hard to stay busy all the time. I hate being in my home alone. I realize I need to move as I am only a few miles from him and I do not want to run into him and my replacement.

Mornings are the worst. I wake up and feel this pit in my stomach. Like, yep, it is real. I am alone and he is not here and never coming back. I refuse to break N/C as I know in my heart it will only hurt ME.

When I have gone out dancing and tried to mingle with others it is hard for me. I am use to being a couple. For 8 years I was not alone. It is difficult but necessary for me to move on.

Hi downwhim, I feel for EVERY single word that you’ve said here. For me, mornings are the worst too. Waking up to realize that I dream about him, have him as my very first thought, reach out to off my phone alarm and wondering if he texted/mailed. It is always a struggle to just open my eyes and face each new day. Like you, I still feel the pit in my stomach. Like you, I am also alone and he is never coming back. Even though there are many tempting thoughts of reaching out to him, I am abstaining from it as I know it will only hurt me too.

And like you, I am used to being a couple, for 8 years too.

We are so alike downwhim.   8 years is a long time and I don’t know how long I will take to get over this, and I'll be praying for your recovery too.

[downwhim]

Peace_seeker,

I cannot believe the similarities. Thank you for your response and I too will pray for you and your healing. Almost a decade older too and not really wanting to get out there to meet anyone. Just seems like so much effort to start over and turn the page to move on.

Yes, half of me thinks, he was terrible for me, emotionally and verbally abusive, cheater, liar, the list goes on and on. Then the other half says, who cares if I get a flat tire or my son got a great new job or my dog is really sick. Only someone who knows me and cares. That use to be him. I am sure he is sharing all with replacement now but he use to be my best friend and confidant.  Just venting... .

[Copperfox]

It's weird, isn't it.  I basically avoided going out with people for several months ... .my heart just wasn't in it.  But recently I've been going out a little bit, even had a couple dates.

I still feel so detached though in these social settings.  I can have a great time, just like you described ADecadeLost ... .I can smile, laugh.  In the moment I forget.  But it's like a part of me is still not there.  Lost somehow.  It's a strange hollow feeling, and it's always afterwards, after the smiles and laughs, that it seems to descend.  Like a shadow.  And I have that same feeling you describe, a sort of loneliness or emptiness.  Not quite sad.  But a vacancy.  Echoes where there should be none.

I sometimes think, and this is pure speculation on my part, that the BPD relationship swung my pendulum so far in one direction, to the point where my boundaries crumbled, where life was so full yet chaotic, where I was so attached to all of it ... .that these feelings in the aftermath are the swinging of the pendulum back too far the other way.  To a place of emptiness, vacancy, where even other people, smiles and laughs, don't quite fill it up.  Only in the moment do any of them seem real anymore, they fade as quickly as they end.  I wonder if this is what pwBPD feel like inside, only in a more intense, frenetic way.

Fleas perhaps?  Or maybe I/we are learning something important?  I don't know.  But yes, more work to do indeed.

[jhkbuzz]

Strangely enough, my r/s lasted for 8 years as well.

I think that what we're feeling is what EVERYONE feels after the end of an important r/s... .loneliness, fear, a little emptiness.  It won't always be like this, but it is a necessary grieving I think.

I think we're all going to be okay.

[Caredverymuch]

Strangely enough, my r/s lasted for 8 years as well.

I think that what we're feeling is what EVERYONE feels after the end of an important r/s... .loneliness, fear, a little emptiness.  It won't always be like this, but it is a necessary grieving I think.

I think we're all going to be okay.

Yes. We all are feeling normal feelings.  We are feeling and in order to heal, we must feel.  Loneliness is a very realistic feeling after a r/s ends. Bpd sends it over the top bc they move on and replace so quickly often w no closure.  Regardless of how difficult a marriage or partnership may have been, it was the foundation of what we were. 

We feel most naturally drawn to having our partners by our side at really vulnerable times like nighttime. Mornings. Social gatherings, them coming home alone. 

So normal even though often hard.   We will be okay.