The inevitable I knew was coming.

[saintjude]

  Its an odd blessing and curse to know what's coming next. The knowing has been largely due to reading other's stories here. Its helped to depersonalize, but been awful in the anticipation of more hurt.

  I received an email tonight from my soon to be ex wife of 15 years telling me she is seeing someone. We were married for 15 years and have just begun the divorce process initiated by me. She's come and gone many time and demanded separations at different points. Recently said she needed to move out again because she was feeling triggered. I told her that was her choice, but that if she moved out again, that I would file. Our marriage therapist agreed and said, "That's not how marriage works. We don't get to retreat to our corners when we feel triggered." While it broke my heart to do it, I don't feel I had another choice. I filed for divorce.

  I already knew from friends having seeing her out that she was with someone, but it still stung hearing it from her. It really put me on my heels.

  Its strange in that (like many of the stories here) the replacement came within days of her pleading with me to reconsider, her begging me to go on a trip with her. She was declaring her intent to "hold onto hope for the both of us" while sobbing about how she had messed everything up and that she was a broken woman, she had recently gotten a tattoo to match one I already had as symbol of her commitment... .then BAM... .

  When people here give advice to pay attention to the actions vs. the words I've learned to pay attention. They very rarely line up.

  What came next was the blank eyes, the expressionless face that I've become too familiar with.

  I never wanted this, and there is much grief knowing there was nothing I could really do to alter its course. One of the posts here referred to it as a "script". Really resonated with me. While our stories are as unique as each of us/them, they are largely the same. Its not a particularly creative disorder... .probably a good thing. There seems to be a chaotic surprise around every corner, and that's even when I've had a general idea of what to expect.

 

 

 

[drummerboy]

So sorry to hear this. 15 years is such a long time to be together. Yes, for a pwBPD their words really mean nothing because they are almost always the opposite of their actions. Best of luck, it's a tough journey, maybe the hardest but the tough come through stronger than ever.

[peace_seeker]

Hi Saintjude, I'm sorry to hear about your story. Even though you may have anticipated this based on other ppl’s story, it definitely will still be hard to swallow when it actually happen to you.

I can never imagine how any one will end a 15 years marriage just like that… she is also probably trying to get your attention and to show you what you’ve lost with the email. One of the trait of  NPD: to flaunt about their new partner infront of their ex. Please know that no one deserves to be treated like this. The most painful part of this journey is knowing that there is nothing that we can do to change this outcome. So pls stay strong and just keep going. there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

[emancipated]

I know it is of no consulation but mine his her new relationship and if not for me being intuitive and intrusive might still be blaming myself for what happened. I in retrospect probably triggered a lot of her abandonment issues ... I had been pushed too far.I did plenty to say I'm not proud of but I wanted to make a life w her like no one I ever knew before. I don't know how it would have felt having her tell me or.secretly.knowing the reason for her being cold and callused was because of this new guy part of.me wishes she could have just told me and not.strung me along believing in something that never existed