Almost 4 months NC, now he contacted me.

[Recooperating]

Well I didnt think my dBPDexbf would contact me again, but he did today.

Short recap: Met him 15 years ago, were off and on for 5 years, then got back together after 10 years. Last 2 years we decided to really go for it, were suppose to get married. He is N/BPD, had to deal with a lot of abuse emotional and physicall, he led a double live, he moved in with another woman while in a rs with me. Mid august I had had enough of his rages, accusations, attempts of isolation and constant suicide threaths. Had a recycle 2 weeks later, that lasted 2 weeks, but I couldnt deal with it. I went NC on october 1st. He then started his smear campaign, mailed my sister telling her how terrible I was, that I was a lesbian and had slept around. And that he was moving on and sleeping around with very fit 20 year olds. My sister didnt respond. 2 weeks past b/u he moved in with the other woman (although he completely trashed her behind her back to me all the time).

Today I got a text message:


HIM: It seems that no matter how much I try to get rid of any trace of you, at some point you pop up, may it be in my contact, when I sync my phone or when I go through one of my hard drives



I didnt respond... .a couple of minutes later

HIM: I hope all is well for you. Don't worry I will not bother you.

by the way happy new year

Me: For you too. Take care.

HIM: I might be moving to HOng KOng or Manilla at the end of the year. K... .(an ex boss he sent to hell last year) wants me to go to handle some things for him. So don't worry, I will never go to Europe to bother you. Goodbye Recoop I hope that you found true happiness.

Me: Good luck with everything. I hope you'll be happy too.

HIM: I know that I crossed many lines and hurt in many ways.

Me: We both made mistakes, it became very dysfunctional. I had my part too.

Him: But life will take care of you and my ex wife. I am happy for the first time in a long time. I learned my lesson thanks to you. I have found a zenfull peace within me.

Me: I am glad to hear that. I wish you all the best. Excuse me I have to go, take care.

Him:I lost everything trying to chase something that truly had no importance in my life. You. Trying to marry someone that never loved nor deserved me. Someone I thought was more important than anything in my life. Only to realize that I didnt love you, you truly meant nothing to me.

Me: Allright, I am sorry you feel that way. I disagree, but it no longer matters. Take care. Bye

Him: I had a lot of hurt, but it was when I realized I didnt love you, but the girl you once were that I found peace, peace within. It was when I realized you truly meant nothing to me. You were in love with the guy that didnt show you love, the one you chased for 14 years. You didnt love me.

If I still would be that guy you would have married me, because he didnt care if you did or didn't do anything.

Me: Goodbye ex, take care

and I blocked him.

I have no idea what the hell he's babling and I really dont want to try and understand.

I am glad I got to wish him well (we ended pretty bad) I dont regret responding. I feel detached, I am not sad, I didnt take the bait like I used to. In the past I would try to make him see that I loved him more than anything. I would go on endless debates, I guess he tried to push that button again, but the button has lost its function and control. His version of reality is so distorted, it doesnt matter what I say or do, I am painted black. That's ok.

Still part of me felt validated for a second I guess that he send me a message. In the beginning of the conversation I thought he would wish me well and leave it at that. But I guess I didnt respond the way he wanted to and he felt enraged or something, who knows... .The whole Hong Kong thing is a big fat lie and the rest of the conversation is a mystery to me... .

Well I got to wish him well, got that out of my system, I will not respond to any crap coming my way again. This is as close to closure I can get.

Anyway... .Back at NC day 0.  

[mitchell16]

Mine used to pull crap like that. In my opinion Mine would do that to see if she still had some degree on control over me but getting me to answer. Then once she did, she would inflict some pain. Either by insulting me in some way or telling me about her new guy in her life. which would either getting me into defending  myself which inturn made me enegage her or telling me about her new guy would inflict pain and hurt. Thast why this time NC I havent responded to anything, her wishing me well, insulting me, nothing. because if your done what does it matter what they have to say.

[Splitblack4good]

Sounds to me that like you say you didn't respond in the way he was used to or expected you to my ex done this to me only a few weeks back she sent me hurtful things but expected me to grovel but acted indifferent and that lead to her sending more hurtful things it's like she still wants me to chase her now still to validate her . I chased her for 3 weeks after the b/u I broke up with her but then regreted it so I chased big mistake! As all that did was enable her BPD and carry on rubbing my face in it and projection of blame on me for everything and encourage her to carry on with my replacement that she met the day after the b/u like you I told her how much I love her but got told by her I didn't but realise now that she is just saying that because she was/is trying to justify her impulsive rash decision and If she beleives I don't love her her pain won't be to much to bear but I know deep down she regrets her decisions and behavior due to calls from her out the blue in the last 2 months .now 3 months on and she is gone silent on me ever since I went NC 14 days ago as I made her feel more ashamed as I found out since the split she cheated on me when we were together and can only imagine the shame and regret and also the embarrassing feelings she must have towards me now as all the blame went on me then I call her out on the cheating then utter silence!

[Splitblack4good]

They really do act strange when they don't get what they want and lash out it's interesting that your ex wrote about loving the girl you once were my ex said something similar to me she said ( you are not the person I met 6 years ago I do not like who you are now )

What this translates to in BPD is this = I hate who I am now and I've ruined yet another chance for someone that loved me .

[Splitblack4good]

Him:I lost everything trying to chase something that truly had no importance in my life. You. Trying to marry someone that never loved nor deserved me. Someone I thought was more important than anything in my life. Only to realize that I didnt love you, you truly meant nothing to me.


Him: I had a lot of hurt, but it was when I realized I didnt love you, but the girl you once were that I found peace, peace within. It was when I realized you truly meant nothing to me. You were in love with the guy that didnt show you love, the one you chased for 14 years. You didnt love me.

This is only my guess and translations based on my experience with my Npd/BPD ex so I hope you don't mind .

I lost you trying to chase you I pushed you away you were the most important person in my life .you were willing to marry me although I didn't deserve you I realised you loved me but to late but I didn't love you because I'm not worthy of it.

I hurt myself due to my actions and I hurt because I love you in my own needy way but cannot process what love is .you loved me but I couldn't show you the same in return .you Ment every thing to me and you proved you loved me because you chassed me for 14 years and I threw it away and regret it and it eases my pain to blame you that it is for me to admit my shame because it makes me feel unbearable pain .

[fromheeltoheal]

You could have stopped at For you too. Take care., but you did say you got as close to closure as you're going to get, so that's a good thing.  You sound OK with the exchange, hopefully it aids in your detachment and ends up being a positive.

[Recooperating]

Mine used to pull crap like that. In my opinion Mine would do that to see if she still had some degree on control over me but getting me to answer. Then once she did, she would inflict some pain. Either by insulting me in some way or telling me about her new guy in her life. which would either getting me into defending  myself which inturn made me enegage her or telling me about her new guy would inflict pain and hurt. Thast why this time NC I havent responded to anything, her wishing me well, insulting me, nothing. because if your done what does it matter what they have to say.

You are absolutely right! I think he "checked in" to see if there was still something/control there. This has been the dynamic for 14 years off and on so ofcourse he tried again and he will probably try again! For me it was good to realize his hurtfull idiotic comments didnt hurt me. I did not feel the need to defend myself. I just thought "here comes the BPD crap" ! I do not regret responding, but I do know that no matter how much i wish him well, it won't reach his disordered mind, in the future I will not reply again. Thank you for your take on it!

Him:I lost everything trying to chase something that truly had no importance in my life. You. Trying to marry someone that never loved nor deserved me. Someone I thought was more important than anything in my life. Only to realize that I didnt love you, you truly meant nothing to me.


Him: I had a lot of hurt, but it was when I realized I didnt love you, but the girl you once were that I found peace, peace within. It was when I realized you truly meant nothing to me. You were in love with the guy that didnt show you love, the one you chased for 14 years. You didnt love me.

This is only my guess and translations based on my experience with my Npd/BPD ex so I hope you don't mind .

I lost you trying to chase you I pushed you away you were the most important person in my life .you were willing to marry me although I didn't deserve you I realised you loved me but to late but I didn't love you because I'm not worthy of it.

I hurt myself due to my actions and I hurt because I love you in my own needy way but cannot process what love is .you loved me but I couldn't show you the same in return .you Ment every thing to me and you proved you loved me because you chassed me for 14 years and I threw it away and regret it and it eases my pain to blame you that it is for me to admit my shame because it makes me feel unbearable pain .

Thank you so much splitblack for your time and effort translating that! It does make sense the way you put it!

They really do act strange when they don't get what they want and lash out it's interesting that your ex wrote about loving the girl you once were my ex said something similar to me she said ( you are not the person I met 6 years ago I do not like who you are now )

What this translates to in BPD is this = I hate who I am now and I've ruined yet another chance for someone that loved me .

I was 19 years old when I met him, a young insecure little girl that had never had a boyfriend or even sex before. I was naive and took all his crap. I did everything for him! I grew up over the years, had healthy relationships, that just didnt work out, but ended in a respectfull manner. When he came back in my life 2 years ago I was an adult and maybe he didnt like me, I still was way too easy for him as he crossed every boundary in the book and I just let him. But I did always confront him with his behaviour and tried to change our dynamic. It was way easier for him when I was still that little girl. So I get that he says that he didnt love me but the little girl. When he was diagnosed and I read the info on BPD and started to apply to tools he couldnt deal with it. So I do understand he "fell out of love" with me. I didnt take his crap... .it got too hard for him.

You could have stopped at For you too. Take care., but you did say you got as close to closure as you're going to get, so that's a good thing.  You sound OK with the exchange, hopefully it aids in your detachment and ends up being a positive.

Thank you fromheel. You are right, I actually should have left it at that. Maybe I did get sucked in a little. I am okay with the confrontation however. I am not upset, sad or angry, it is what it is. It proves yet again that he experiences things so much different then me. And what the truth is... .who knows. This is his truth, but its not mine. 4 months ago I wouldnt have gone nuts that he didnt see things " my way" that he couldnt see me for the loving caring woman I was to him. I would have wanted him to take responsibility for the things he did. The lying, cheating, manipulations, the threaths, faking suicides, you name it. Now I can honestly say that his opinion of things don't matter anymore. His opinion is none of my bussiness. I am totally ok with that.

Thank you all for responding and reading my post. 

[HappyNihilist]

Recoop, I'm sorry you had to deal with that hurtful, childish crap from your ex.   

I agree that it sounds like you didn't respond in the way he expected/wanted, so he lashed out. Typical. 

I am okay with the confrontation however. I am not upset, sad or angry, it is what it is. It proves yet again that he experiences things so much different then me. And what the truth is... .who knows. This is his truth, but its not mine. 4 months ago I wouldnt have gone nuts that he didnt see things " my way" that he couldnt see me for the loving caring woman I was to him. I would have wanted him to take responsibility for the things he did. The lying, cheating, manipulations, the threaths, faking suicides, you name it. Now I can honestly say that his opinion of things don't matter anymore. His opinion is none of my bussiness. I am totally ok with that.

This is frigging awesome.

[Lion Fire]

I'm over 7 months NC. She stopped trying to contact me 5 months ago. I guess she sensed there was nothing to grip onto with me and moved onto some other distraction in the form of a person or behaviour. I too have moved on and I'm in a nurturing, healthy and comfortable r/s today.

Reading your post only makes me more determined to ignore her should she reach out again. I have had similar exchanges with her that have started off cordial, even warm, and then descended into one way vitriol and manipulation from her side that was only meant to hurt. I have learned brutally hard but valuable lessons over the last year with this dreadful r/s. I know that even the slightest response from me will be the hook she needs to draw me in again and then get nasty. No chance, not with me 

No Contact means absolutely no interaction in my case. Luckily, I have no reason at all to have any contact with her. I live in another country and I severed all ties. I treat this like abstinence from a drug. I put it in place to protect myself and so far I've been able to heal and reshape my life into healthy order.

Forgiveness of her has also grown but I won't allow this to cloud my judgement and open myself to more abuse again.

Thank God for this forum which reminds me of the hazards and gives me directions to heal my life after the BPD hell ride.

I wish you strength

Peace