7 days down. NC update.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been 7 days today since I've had any contact with her (replied to an email that I did not have any interest in meeting up to talk per her request) 13 days since she showed up at my house crying and pleading after I changed my number.

I've been seeing a counselor once a week. She has been incredibly helpful. Once I was able to cut off the never ending "noise" I finally had a defined container of toxicity which no longer was growing and which I could begin to finally sort through (once my head stopped spinning)

I'm doing better than I ever thought. I have learned more about myself in the past 2 weeks than I ever knew. There is something incredibly powerful about action. Just like a person may be out of shape and know they should go to the gym, doing it is something different. I knew I needed out of that relationship. What's more, I knew it was going to have to be a complete break, no friendship or anything. And after a year of having my values turned upside down, no respect, betrayed, belittled, etc, it was incredibly empowering to take everything I stand for, and put it into action.

It is incredible how toxic this person was to me. I don't care how crazy they made you on their craziest day, you do not have any idea how bad it is until you get out. The feeling I have is similar to recovering from the flu. Each day that passes, I can feel the delusion lifting, the fog clearing and the decision I made becomes more validated.

You do not love this person. You think you do, but you do not. I thought I did too. It's obsession. It's compulsion. It's fixation. It's addiction. Like a never ending puzzle we try to put together the pieces until there is nothing of us left. That little feeling of intuition inside your belly telling you something is off is a beacon to your soul to get away from this person. As time goes on, that intuition fades, we become conditioned, our expectations get lower and lower, and we lose sight of who we are, and what we want out of life. We stay because we are lost, not because we love them. There was no love in this relationship. There was manipulation intimidation and fear. Fear that we could not be alone. Fear of the unknown. Fear that maybe we were the problem. This is all clear to me now.

She convinced me for so long that our conflict was my fault. I did argue back, I did try to reason. I did try to use logic and get through to her. The conflict was my struggle for survival. It was my values, morality and sense of right and wrong up against a controlling and manipulative person utilizing all of my inner insecurities to try and break me from defending any of those things so she could go in for the final kill. I'm incredibly thankful that I was strong enough to never lose complete sight of knowing that this was her, not me. I can not imagine the path I would have gone down if I had lost myself and given in to all her ways to defeat me.

She is gone. I do not miss her. She did not break me. I still have hope and optimism that I will have a great life. I will date again. I refuse to let her make me believe that everyone is like her. I will trust again. She will have this exact scenario play out again. I will not. That is because I learned so very much. I'm capable of introspective thought and review. And I'm not so prideful that I couldn't reach out for help to get through this process. I'm not perfect. Something she could never admit. But that's why we have the capability to grow, and they don't.

I stayed in this relationship way too long because I believed in her. I left this relationship, for the first time in my life, believing in myself.

[anxiety5]

It's been 7 days today since I've had any contact with her (replied to an email that I did not have any interest in meeting up to talk per her request) 13 days since she showed up at my house crying and pleading after I changed my number.

I've been seeing a counselor once a week. She has been incredibly helpful. Once I was able to cut off the never ending "noise" I finally had a defined container of toxicity which no longer was growing and which I could begin to finally sort through (once my head stopped spinning)

I'm doing better than I ever thought. I have learned more about myself in the past 2 weeks than I ever knew. There is something incredibly powerful about action. Just like a person may be out of shape and know they should go to the gym, doing it is something different. I knew I needed out of that relationship. What's more, I knew it was going to have to be a complete break, no friendship or anything. And after a year of having my values turned upside down, no respect, betrayed, belittled, etc, it was incredibly empowering to take everything I stand for, and put it into action.

It is incredible how toxic this person was to me. I don't care how crazy they made you on their craziest day, you do not have any idea how bad it is until you get out. The feeling I have is similar to recovering from the flu. Each day that passes, I can feel the delusion lifting, the fog clearing and the decision I made becomes more validated.

You do not love this person. You think you do, but you do not. I thought I did too. It's obsession. It's compulsion. It's fixation. It's addiction. Like a never ending puzzle we try to put together the pieces until there is nothing of us left. That little feeling of intuition inside your belly telling you something is off is a beacon to your soul to get away from this person. As time goes on, that intuition fades, we become conditioned, our expectations get lower and lower, and we lose sight of who we are, and what we want out of life. We stay because we are lost, not because we love them. There was no love in this relationship. There was manipulation intimidation and fear. Fear that we could not be alone. Fear of the unknown. Fear that maybe we were the problem. This is all clear to me now.

She convinced me for so long that our conflict was my fault. I did argue back, I did try to reason. I did try to use logic and get through to her. The conflict was my struggle for survival. It was my values, morality and sense of right and wrong up against a controlling and manipulative person utilizing all of my inner insecurities to try and break me from defending any of those things so she could go in for the final kill. I'm incredibly thankful that I was strong enough to never lose complete sight of knowing that this was her, not me. I can not imagine the path I would have gone down if I had lost myself and given in to all her ways to defeat me.

She is gone. I do not miss her. She did not break me. I still have hope and optimism that I will have a great life. I will date again. I refuse to let her make me believe that everyone is like her. I will trust again. She will have this exact scenario play out again. I will not. That is because I learned so very much. I'm capable of introspective thought and review. And I'm not so prideful that I couldn't reach out for help to get through this process. I'm not perfect. Something she could never admit. But that's why we have the capability to grow, and they don't.

I stayed in this relationship way too long because I believed in her. I left this relationship, for the first time in my life, believing in myself.