How has being in relationship with a sex addict affected you?

[braveSun]

I think one of the most damaging things that I have been dealing with is how to accept my own sexuality rather than relying on my husband to define my sexuality for me. Does that make any sense? I am not sure how to explain it. I realize that I am almost 40 and have no clue what I like or don't like because my sexuality has been expressed in the context of trying to please a sex addict.

Vortex, absolutely! I can relate to this as well. Not even that I have been in a LT relationship with my SO. Just to look at the effect it has had on me over the last year alone.

The brushing off with the consistency of the addiction-generated behaviors is feeling very much like an undertow emotionally, even though I know it's not about me, it's a recognized compulsive preference of hers for going after an idealized image of the perfect love, and with all of the intellectual understanding of her BPD condition.

The more I read here, the more I'm going to say that it takes a special quality for someone to resist that pressure and not lose one's good sense of self. It's not for the faint of heart.

IMO it's an experience which requires a very high level of skills, none of which are being taught in high school... Sadly.

Thanks to the people who created and are manning this board, we get a chance to educate ourselves and create a better quality of life for ourselves.

Many people in my POSA group worked on Stephanie Carnes workbook, 'Facing Heatbreak'. I personally found it a good approach for me, because it helped with all of the aspects discussed around SA on this board. I also needed contact and support from a T for myself. And than, support from people who are knowledgeable about BPD. Other people sought other resources. Or the same, in different ways.  Definitely, some support is needed for this.

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[Cat Familiar]

Looking at it from another angle, using the SA recovery concept, there is a big part where the person with addiction does make amends, works at changing behaviors, and the person who's trust has been broken works on creating safety for herself in her life (assuming the h has the addiction and the w has difficulties trusting). For addiction to substances, there may not be physical betrayal, but there is still an issue of 'preferred fantasy over real connection', besides the physical effect of course. And of trust as well.

Because an addiction is essentially manifesting with compulsive behaviors, than there can be lots of feelings for 'missed opportunities', disappointment, shame, self-abandonment, etc. building up. 

One concept I personally had to work with was to allow myself to require the presence of consistent trustworthy behavior over an extended period of time, before I would engage again in physical intimacy with my SO. Allowing that space to myself is good, because it is allowing a space to clear the air and shed the cobwebs. There can be new skills to acquire, some FOO to revisit, etc... But there is also a need for a parrallel consistent effort from the partner with addiction to make conscious amends and change self-soothing behaviors to more healthy ones.

Thanks, BraveSun. What you refer to as "preferred fantasy over real connection" pretty much hits the nail on the head. There were times I was jealous of his bottle of wine because it was getting his full attention, not me.   :'(

Fortunately I see that he is consistently attempting to be more responsible with his alcohol consumption. It's hard to know if he's an alcoholic, but at times he has really overindulged on a regular basis. Coming from a family of tee-totalers, it seems very excessive to drink a bottle and a half of wine (or more) every night. I do see improvement, but not drinking at all doesn't seem like a possibility.

[braveSun]

Cat, I totally see what you are talking about. It's something between the addict and him/her self, how much too much is enough. But heck it's difficult for the partner to not have an opinion, to not feel drawn into getting involved, if not wanting to set a boundary right there.

I do not think sobriety is not an important factor in a healthy r/s. With a pwBPD, well... It's difficult to not get caught up into the rescuer or persecutor role. I wonder what would people here say to that kind of 'slow progress'...

Setting a boundary regarding the r/s, or not doing anything and waiting for the pw addiction to get to it at his/her own pace?

[Cat Familiar]

Cat, I totally see what you are talking about. It's something between the addict and him/her self, how much too much is enough. But heck it's difficult for the partner to not have an opinion, to not feel drawn into getting involved, if not wanting to set a boundary right there.

I do not think sobriety is not an important factor in a healthy r/s. With a pwBPD, well... It's difficult to not get caught up into the rescuer or persecutor role. I wonder what would people here say to that kind of 'slow progress'...

Setting a boundary regarding the r/s, or not doing anything and waiting for the pw addiction to get to it at his/her own pace?

Yes, I've had a hard time accepting his idea of "progress" and I'm afraid I've kind of mis-stated his current situation. At the worst, he was drinking a bottle and a half of wine, sometimes with a few martinis. That was horrible. Now he keeps it to about a bottle, more or less and there are evenings where he doesn't drink at all.

In my opinion, even that much seems excessive, but I didn't grow up with parents who had a "cocktail hour" every night--they didn't drink at all.

So he's making "progress" but I'd much rather he used a bit of cannabis instead, but unfortunately that, in combination with the alcohol, turns him into a full-fledged BPDa$$hole and thankfully he seldom does it.

[braveSun]

I really don't know what the answer would be. For myself, I am not inclined to say a bottle of wine/day is being sober. That's not my definition of sobriety. I would return the question to you. What is your own sensible marker that someone is actually 'sober' ? I mean, for you to feel your values are being respected in regards to whom you can trust?

And also, is there an on-going conversation about this between the two of you, and between himself and some 'sobriety buddies'? Is there a serious commitment to a well defined recovery path, maybe with benchmarks? maybe with dates? maybe with specific behaviors? I would be cautious regarding the fact that so many alchoolics don't succeed all by themselves to stop the compulsive behavior.  I also know a few people who successfully went cold turkey on drinking. It's hard to know.

For you, I am beleiving you have a right to ask for what is comfortable for yourself while in the relationship. And that includes many aspects other than the drinking itself. (ex financial impact of the drinking, lifestyle considerations, etc... ). I'm not sure how much of this is effective for other people, but with my SO, I have had the inclination to ask for a certain number of days sober, in order to feel a sense of safety that I can go further with the relationship. Of course, we regularly have this sort of thing where we say we try x days this way, and ch/in after the x days to see what feels different and what's new to look into. This can be difficult to handle as the partner, if there are no other support people in the journey.  I recognize that as a partner, it's not my job to manage the pw addiction. I have my own work to do. But in my situation, we both need to check/in with each other regularly. To be up to date, so we don't just check out... And there is rebelliousness at times too, and some of those times, I just let go.

It's a long road, and that's all so personal...

[Cat Familiar]

I really don't know what the answer would be. For myself, I am not inclined to say a bottle of wine/day is being sober. That's not my definition of sobriety. I would return the question to you. What is your own sensible marker that someone is actually 'sober' ? I mean, for you to feel your values are being respected in regards to whom you can trust?

And also, is there an on-going conversation about this between the two of you, and between himself and some 'sobriety buddies'? Is there a serious commitment to a well defined recovery path, maybe with benchmarks? maybe with dates? maybe with specific behaviors? I would be cautious regarding the fact that so many alchoolics don't succeed all by themselves to stop the compulsive behavior.  I also know a few people who successfully went cold turkey on drinking. It's hard to know.

For you, I am beleiving you have a right to ask for what is comfortable for yourself while in the relationship. And that includes many aspects other than the drinking itself. (ex financial impact of the drinking, lifestyle considerations, etc... ). I'm not sure how much of this is effective for other people, but with my SO, I have had the inclination to ask for a certain number of days sober, in order to feel a sense of safety that I can go further with the relationship. Of course, we regularly have this sort of thing where we say we try x days this way, and ch/in after the x days to see what feels different and what's new to look into. This can be difficult to handle as the partner, if there are no other support people in the journey.  I recognize that as a partner, it's not my job to manage the pw addiction. I have my own work to do. But in my situation, we both need to check/in with each other regularly. To be up to date, so we don't just check out... And there is rebelliousness at times too, and some of those times, I just let go.

It's a long road, and that's all so personal...

I'm in total agreement with you BraveSun--a bottle of wine a day is not my idea of sober. However, he is a tall guy and outweighs me by 50% and has been drinking all his life, so perhaps that amount of alcohol is not really affecting his state much (although it certainly can't be healthy).

I battled him a lot about his alcohol consumption and it just drove a wedge between us. Yes, he's got that rebelliousness and I was dealing with my codependency issues. Certainly having had a first husband with a sex addiction has colored my opinion about addicts. At this point, I just have to let his addiction be his responsibility. It's terribly frustrating to watch the person you love overindulge in a substance that ultimately causes them harm, but any statements from me about it are perceived as criticism and he immediately gets defensive, angry and shuts down.

As far as buddies, he doesn't have any, really. I see people wanting to be close to him, but he pushes them away. The only person he wants to be best friends with has so many friends that he is just one of many. So he feels unappreciated.

He unexpectedly inherited a lot of money a couple of years ago, so his addiction is not damaging us financially. In my less than kind moments, I've thought that if he kills himself with alcohol, I'll have quite a windfall. Not that I want this, but it's totally out of my control. All I can do is set a boundary that I get my good sleep and that I don't want to have sex with him when he's drunk. It's really sad. I was madly in love with this guy--I guess the word "madly" tells you something... .

Oh and I did something recently that was in the sphere of my control and which I felt fit with my criteria: when I got my annual checkup, I told his doctor how much he drinks and she too was alarmed and noted it in his chart. I was concerned about his combining prescription meds with the alcohol and she looked at how frequently he was refilling his prescriptions and it was less than I had suspected.

Thanks, BraveSun for your support. It's truly challenging to be in a relationship with an addict.