In what ways did your ex mirror you?

[paperlung]

And did you see it with your replacement afterwards?

[HappyNihilist]

My exBPDbf mirrored me by treating me the way I've always wanted to be treated... .which was what I was projecting to him. If that makes any sense.

I wanted understanding, acceptance, compassion, guidance, etc., for who I was. This is what I strive to give in relationships. And so I gave and projected that to him. He mirrored it back to me. I took it for the real thing.

Now, this isn't saying that I don't believe he loves me, understands me, and cares about me in his way. But that, in the idealization phase, I mistook his way for my way - which made it all the more confusing when I began to realize that he wasn't actually capable of loving in "my way."

As far as my replacement... .I have no idea. I don't know anything about her or their relationship, or if he's with the same person he was with 5, 10 months ago or not. But knowing his patterns of relationships... .he gravitates toward understanding-driven, creative, empathetic women, so I'm sure the mirroring is similar.

In what ways did your exgf mirror you, paperlung?

[paperlung]

My exBPDbf mirrored me by treating me the way I've always wanted to be treated... .which was what I was projecting to him. If that makes any sense.

I wanted understanding, acceptance, compassion, guidance, etc., for who I was. This is what I strive to give in relationships. And so I gave and projected that to him. He mirrored it back to me. I took it for the real thing.

Now, this isn't saying that I don't believe he loves me, understands me, and cares about me in his way. But that, in the idealization phase, I mistook his way for my way - which made it all the more confusing when I began to realize that he wasn't actually capable of loving in "my way."

As far as my replacement... .I have no idea. I don't know anything about her or their relationship, or if he's with the same person he was with 5, 10 months ago or not. But knowing his patterns of relationships... .he gravitates toward understanding-driven, creative, empathetic women, so I'm sure the mirroring is similar.

In what ways did your exgf mirror you, paperlung?

She knew I liked anime, so she started watching too. Sometimes with me. I can't recall anything else off the top of my head, it was a while ago.

She also mirrored the guys after me in some way or another. It's like she purposely picks out something they like/enjoy to hook them. It's weird.

[Ripped Heart]

My BPDgf is going through the process of mirroring me right now. She knows she needs to get better and has stated that herself so I guess she is using me as her model of healthy. I'm a co-dependent rescuer so I'm far from being the best role model 

I start going back to the gym with a friend of mine, she joins a gym with her friend.

I start eating healthier, she starts eating healthier and sending me texts to tell me all about it.

I started cycling again, she goes to buy herself a bike to start cycling

I plan a trip away with a friend of mine, she plans a trip away with a friend of hers.

Whatever I decide to do, she is also trying to do the same thing and takes great pride in telling me. There is only one main difference, she can't seem to go more than a couple of weeks before she quits whatever it is she starts doing. She quit the gym within 3 weeks, I don't think she has planned to pick up the bike yet despite ordering it. I went away last weekend with friend, her friend has concerns BPDgf isn't going to be able to afford to go away. As for her healthy eating, that's cut down to once a week and McDonalds is starting to play a part in her diet now.

[Deeno02]

Out side of love bombing each other, nothing. She never expressed an interest in anything I liked or wanted to do. So Im not really sure. New guy? I have no clue as Im staying as far away from all that ___ as I can.

[billypilgrim]

In every way.  She was a Christian before, then she became more spiritual/non-religious (I didn't try to convert her either).  I went to grad school, she went to grad school.  I had a dog, she got a dog.  She had never even heard of a lot of the music I like, all of a sudden she's got an iPod full of my stuff.  I like to hike/camp/backpack, she wanted to go even though we joked about how she was allergic to the outdoors.  I'm into a handful of podcasts, she became interested in the same ones.  I'm into history, she wanted me to teach her history.

This was all at first though, once the idealization phase wore off, she wasn't interested in anything.  The history lessons lasted a few weeks.  Her grad school career was over in a semester.  She went back to listening to just whatever on the radio.  Everything was temporary.  Who knows how long the other stuff will last?  Or how long it'll take before she's morphing into her replacement?  Probably already has, I don't know as I don't keep tabs.

I still miss her dog though.  More than I miss her, which is nice.

[Copperfox]

This is one of the questions that bugs me the most, in the aftermath.  We had so many things in common, e.g. musical tastes and love of the outdoors ... .some of those I think may have been real.  But, like HappyNihilist said, I think she mimicked some of my character traits, and after the fact I realized there were many things she had told me about her past or things that had happened that were, in fact, lies.  And many things she told me about other people, about who they were or things they did, were really about her.  And the passing interests, that lasted just weeks, there were those too.

So i don't know if any of it was real anymore.  What was mirroring and what was not.  Even the things that seemed real, maybe they were just illusions.  The kind of reflections you see in the water that fracture when it ripples.  Almost real, but not quite, falling apart at the drop of a pebble.

[raisins3142]

Mine told me specifically that she mimicked people in order to be liked by them (to the point of mimicking speech impediments!).

She didn't really do too much of that with me.

She did always seem to agree with me when I would express an opinion, but she would often provide some silly counterbalance (like "that doesn't happen in every single case in what you are speaking of!", which is a total none point when one is generalizing about a subject).

Her main thing with me was lying in order to cover up things about her past or keep me from questioning too much or being upset during our relationship.  It is like she would always think "what should I say and what can I get away with telling him?"  To her, lying in order to maintain a relationship or keep someone from being upset with her or to view her more favorably was not a moral concern at all.

So, for me, her lies were a way to mirror by crafting herself into someone else that would be more appropriate for me.

[Recooperating]

My exBPD was raised catholic, I am raised atheist but tend to be spiritual. He became spiritual too. He agreed on my political views, anti-racist views (although I would caught him saying I hate venezuellans at times, which I never appreciated). I like old movies (ginger rodgers, judy garland, gene kelly, fred astair) he liked them too.

Funny thing was whenever I wouldnt share his interests (he liked marvel movies - i didnt but would watch them every now and then) he would feel rejected and raged 

[CloseToFreedom]

Well, as I was still grieving my previous relationship (lasted for 9 years, got cheated on multiple times), and she knew this, she made a point in telling me often how serious she was and how faithful she was. I had some major brick walls around my heart, as I had talked myself into thinking falling in love would end up hurting my anyway. I kept pushing her away but she persisted, went after me in obsessive ways, making me believe that this really was a keeper, someone who wanted me in every way imaginable, good and bad qualities accepted. Of course, that fell apart in a year or so when she noticed I truly was hooked on her. Then everything I did sucked, apparently.

Furthermore, she mirrored the stuff I liked, mostly. Music, television shows, movies. She loved it all. She was interested in all things that made me tick. That's what confused me the most after the honeymoon phase. Suddenly she wasnt interested in my favorite music or movies anymore.

[clydegriffith]

She liked all the same books and extraccuricular activies i did, gave me the impression she was well educated and enjoyed me doing whatever i wanted to do to her in the bedroom.

All these were tools to reel me in before she inevtibably turned on me.

[.cup.car]

Music taste. The "music" section of her online dating profiles are hilarious.

>Kiss

>Van Halen

>Metallica

>AC/DC

It's literally like "hmm I wonder where she got those from... ."

[Maternus]

Mine mirrored my fears. My dental anxiety, my vertigo and my discomfort against authorities.

[paperlung]

Well I basically got confirmation the other day from her that only reason she checked out this show I told her about when we first met was to impress me. Do healthy, normal people feel the need to do this too?

[HappyNihilist]

Well I basically got confirmation the other day from her that only reason she checked out this show I told her about when we first met was to impress me. Do healthy, normal people feel the need to do this too?

Everyone mirrors to an extent. It's one of the most basic, primal forms of interaction (infants mirror their caregivers). Some mirroring is to be expected in the early stages of a relationship; we naturally want to impress the other person. And it's also normal to share recommendations with and discover "new" things because of our partners.

But emotionally healthy people don't latch on to things just to please/impress others, the way that pwBPD often do. A healthy person can say, "I appreciate that you enjoy that, but it doesn't do anything for me."

In an enmeshed relationship, there's a tendency for the latcher-on to dive headlong into everything the latched-onto likes. Especially in the love-bombing, idealization phase early on. Part of this is to establish a quick bond; part of it is the pwBPD trying on an identity, desperate for a sense of self; part of it is human nature BPD-intensified and turned up to 11.

[CloseToFreedom]

Well I basically got confirmation the other day from her that only reason she checked out this show I told her about when we first met was to impress me. Do healthy, normal people feel the need to do this too?

Everyone mirrors to an extent. It's one of the most basic, primal forms of interaction (infants mirror their caregivers). Some mirroring is to be expected in the early stages of a relationship; we naturally want to impress the other person. And it's also normal to share recommendations with and discover "new" things because of our partners.

But emotionally healthy people don't latch on to things just to please/impress others, the way that pwBPD often do. A healthy person can say, "I appreciate that you enjoy that, but it doesn't do anything for me."

In an enmeshed relationship, there's a tendency for the latcher-on to dive headlong into everything the latched-onto likes. Especially in the love-bombing, idealization phase early on. Part of this is to establish a quick bond; part of it is the pwBPD trying on an identity, desperate for a sense of self; part of it is human nature BPD-intensified and turned up to 11.

I had this with my ex, she loved everything I liked. Point is, it was very confusing when the honeymoon phase ended and suddenly most of the stuff I thought we both enjoyed, wasn't that interesting anymore. In fact, she didnt take the effort anymore to be interested in stuff I liked.

[Leaving]

After reading everyone's posts, it's clear that when we meet them and they appear to have so much in common with us, that it's just an illusion.  I thought my husband and I had so much in common that I even started a business with him.  Yikes... Ouch.

I think the big red flag in the beginning was that during conversations or when I would ask him a question, he really never had anything to say.  I even asked him why he loved me and he couldn't answer.  So, in the future, when I'm dating someone, if they don't have their own opinions and ideas, I will take that as a warning.

[charred]

After reading everyone's posts, it's clear that when we meet them and they appear to have so much in common with us, that it's just an illusion.  I thought my husband and I had so much in common that I even started a business with him.  Yikes... Ouch.

I think the big red flag in the beginning was that during conversations or when I would ask him a question, he really never had anything to say.  I even asked him why he loved me and he couldn't answer.  So, in the future, when I'm dating someone, if they don't have their own opinions and ideas, I will take that as a warning.

Mine mirrored a lot, was hanging on every word I said (like I was really interesting)... and whatever I was in to, she liked. It would breakdown when I would probe deeper on anything... she didn't have anything but a surface knowledge of most subjects, and would give hollow compliments about how good I was at something... where she clearly had no basis in experience to judge it. Later when she was clingy or hateful, there was no attempt to mirror or be complimentary.

She did talk about how she would fall in with the speech patterns and actions of whatever group she was in, and was proud of it... her examples kind of turned my stomach, as they seemed so blatantly manipulative. She also would talk about growing up in a family full of mind games and being done with being a people pleaser. Used to dismiss her claims of being good at mind games... but I was wrong, she is very good at it. That is a skill I want to avoid from now on.

[Leaving]

After reading everyone's posts, it's clear that when we meet them and they appear to have so much in common with us, that it's just an illusion.  I thought my husband and I had so much in common that I even started a business with him.  Yikes... Ouch.

I think the big red flag in the beginning was that during conversations or when I would ask him a question, he really never had anything to say.  I even asked him why he loved me and he couldn't answer.  So, in the future, when I'm dating someone, if they don't have their own opinions and ideas, I will take that as a warning.

Mine mirrored a lot, was hanging on every word I said (like I was really interesting)... and whatever I was in to, she liked. It would breakdown when I would probe deeper on anything... she didn't have anything but a surface knowledge of most subjects, and would give hollow compliments about how good I was at something... where she clearly had no basis in experience to judge it. Later when she was clingy or hateful, there was no attempt to mirror or be complimentary.

She did talk about how she would fall in with the speech patterns and actions of whatever group she was in, and was proud of it... her examples kind of turned my stomach, as they seemed so blatantly manipulative. She also would talk about growing up in a family full of mind games and being done with being a people pleaser. Used to dismiss her claims of being good at mind games... but I was wrong, she is very good at it. That is a skill I want to avoid from now on.

I've known a few N's ( and sociopaths) like your ex who study their ' victims' with such desperate obsession in order to know how to please and charm them right into their web. They have no identity of their own so they must assume someone else's in order to feel alive.  My husband does mimic me and others right down to religious beliefs.  This is why he lives with no integrity.  If he had any core moral or ethical beliefs of his own, he would uphold them but because he's just a chameleon who changes from moment to moment, one never knows who he really is.  There were moments when I felt as though I truly didn't know him at all and today, I can honestly say that if anyone were to ask me who he was, I wouldn't be able to tell them anything except, ' He's whoever he needs to be in any given moment'

[JRT]

Mine tired very hard to participate in EVERYTHING that I was into and more. She would come to my gigs, but it was clearly out of obligation - there was never any conversation about the stuff we played and she seemed 'somewhere else' when she was there. Matter of fact, I don't think that we ever discussed music in the 2 years that we were together even though it occupies a big part of my life.

She tired tennis with me once... .bicycling once... .lap swimming once... .urban exploring once (she TOTALLY freaked out)... .she rejoined my church; although she indicated that she wanted to join a Bible group, she was just going through the motions during the service... .she even had talked about wanting to learn my family's language and that never went anywhere... .she even seemed bored and interested when we went on trips; how can one go to Europe or NYC and not be amazed?

In the end, all that she was and was interested in, was her job (which she hated but has been there for 11 years) and her son and his myriad problems. Just survival... .

[paperlung]

Well I basically got confirmation the other day from her that only reason she checked out this show I told her about when we first met was to impress me. Do healthy, normal people feel the need to do this too?

Everyone mirrors to an extent. It's one of the most basic, primal forms of interaction (infants mirror their caregivers). Some mirroring is to be expected in the early stages of a relationship; we naturally want to impress the other person. And it's also normal to share recommendations with and discover "new" things because of our partners.

But emotionally healthy people don't latch on to things just to please/impress others, the way that pwBPD often do. A healthy person can say, "I appreciate that you enjoy that, but it doesn't do anything for me."

In an enmeshed relationship, there's a tendency for the latcher-on to dive headlong into everything the latched-onto likes. Especially in the love-bombing, idealization phase early on. Part of this is to establish a quick bond; part of it is the pwBPD trying on an identity, desperate for a sense of self; part of it is human nature BPD-intensified and turned up to 11.

And what would you think of this scenario?

Guy follows ex on Instragram.

Ex looks at his Instagram and follows him back. Guy likes comics, and collecting figurines.

Hours later ex uploads a picture of the only two figurines she owns in their boxes, calling them her "babies".

Guy likes her picture


She had no reason to upload that picture other than to make an impression. It's freaking bizarre/creepy.

[JRT]

Music taste. The "music" section of her online dating profiles are hilarious.

>Kiss

>Van Halen

>Metallica

>AC/DC

It's literally like "hmm I wonder where she got those from... ."

Some of those profiles are hilarious in this way: clearly patronizing men. "I'm into motorcycles, drinking beer, watching football, mud bogging, burping, farting, scratching my crotch, and smoking cigars".

[HappyNihilist]

Music taste. The "music" section of her online dating profiles are hilarious.

>Kiss

>Van Halen

>Metallica

>AC/DC

It's literally like "hmm I wonder where she got those from... ."

Some of those profiles are hilarious in this way: clearly patronizing men. "I'm into motorcycles, drinking beer, watching football, mud bogging, burping, farting, scratching my crotch, and smoking cigars".

I'm sure some women's profiles patronize men, as some men's profiles patronize women. But I'm a woman who loves KISS, AC/DC (no f'ing Metallica, though), football, cigars, cars, and hell, even the occasional vigorous crotch scratch.  I also love pink stuff, dresses, kittens, makeup, knitting, and the Indigo Girls. People are capable of all sorts of varied interests.

It's easy to become overly cynical. Unfortunately, that can keep you from enjoying a lot of what life has to offer. Better to find a healthy balance.

[.cup.car]

I'm sure some women's profiles patronize men, as some men's profiles patronize women. But I'm a woman who loves KISS, AC/DC (no f'ing Metallica, though), football, cigars, cars, and hell, even the occasional vigorous crotch scratch.  I also love pink stuff, dresses, kittens, makeup, knitting, and the Indigo Girls. People are capable of all sorts of varied interests.

It's easy to become overly cynical. Unfortunately, that can keep you from enjoying a lot of what life has to offer. Better to find a healthy balance.

Difference is, when I met her, she was into Reggae, Eminem, & Slipknot.

[HappyNihilist]

Difference is, when I met her, she was into Reggae, Eminem, & Slipknot.

Oh absolutely.

My point was that, experiences with manipulative and/or disordered people can color our worldview - and while we definitely need to be more observant and take better care of ourselves, I think it's important not to go too far and become cynical and distrusting of others' motives. It's a tough balancing act, for sure, and I struggle with it. But life just feels more peaceful on the non-cynical side.

[Gonzalo]

I didn't realize it was mirroring at the time, but I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day. I've spent a lot of time alone, and I feel like it's a pretty obnoxious holiday since it's kind of a slap in the face for a lot of people. She said that she had never been big into the holiday herself, that she just wanted a simple card for the day. But I just saw her roomate post on social media that she's working on big, complicated, elaborate plans for Valentine's Day this year with her new partners and some friends. This would be terribly confusing to me if I hadn't read about BPD, but it makes perfect sense - obviously one of the people she's with now is big into the holiday, and she's picking it up from them.

[Maternus]

I didn't realize it was mirroring at the time, but I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day. I've spent a lot of time alone, and I feel like it's a pretty obnoxious holiday since it's kind of a slap in the face for a lot of people. She said that she had never been big into the holiday herself, that she just wanted a simple card for the day. But I just saw her roomate post on social media that she's working on big, complicated, elaborate plans for Valentine's Day this year with her new partners and some friends. This would be terribly confusing to me if I hadn't read about BPD, but it makes perfect sense - obviously one of the people she's with now is big into the holiday, and she's picking it up from them.

I had a similar experience. In an Email I wrote my uBPDex before our relationship I mentioned that I have a low opinion of pseudo science, conspiracy theories and esoteric charlatans. I'm not a sceptical apologist, but she was asking me about my opinion on something related to this. She mirrored this in our relationship and became literally a missionary against pseudo science, esotericism etc. She told me about her first boyfriend (a loser, she said) and called him a crackpot because he was reading a popular pseudo-scientific magazine. She always came up with him when she saw that magazine at a newspaper stand. When I moved out of our house (after my replacement already moved in) I saw the current issue of this magazine on the couch table. It had an address label with the name and address of my replacement on it. He is not a casual reader of this magazine, he is a subscriber. I didn't knew about BPD at that time and just thought 'what the hell is going on?'

[raisins3142]

Difference is, when I met her, she was into Reggae, Eminem, & Slipknot.

Oh absolutely.

My point was that, experiences with manipulative and/or disordered people can color our worldview - and while we definitely need to be more observant and take better care of ourselves, I think it's important not to go too far and become cynical and distrusting of others' motives. It's a tough balancing act, for sure, and I struggle with it. But life just feels more peaceful on the non-cynical side.

Actually, I find it is best to give people exactly as much trust as they've earned.  A stranger has earned very little and I question their motives in any interaction they have with me.  I am not a "start with the trust cup full and let it be drawn down" type person.  I start with a realistic cup and given human nature, it is not a large one.

[HappyNihilist]

Difference is, when I met her, she was into Reggae, Eminem, & Slipknot.

Oh absolutely.

My point was that, experiences with manipulative and/or disordered people can color our worldview - and while we definitely need to be more observant and take better care of ourselves, I think it's important not to go too far and become cynical and distrusting of others' motives. It's a tough balancing act, for sure, and I struggle with it. But life just feels more peaceful on the non-cynical side.

Actually, I find it is best to give people exactly as much trust as they've earned.  A stranger has earned very little and I question their motives in any interaction they have with me.  I am not a "start with the trust cup full and let it be drawn down" type person.  I start with a realistic cup and given human nature, it is not a large one.

To each his own.

I've done years of crisis/trauma intervention work, where I've dealt with people at their absolute worst and cruelest - as well as people at their best and kindest - and everything in between. My primary career is in an environment that can be very high-stress, political, and ambitious, with people who wouldn't hesitate to throw their own mothers under the bus to save themselves... .as well as people who will go above and beyond in the name of teamwork and a common goal. I've seen what goes into making a resilient self, and what goes into making a bitter, stagnant self.

In general, I feel like people are basically "good" but selfish. Which is perfectly understandable. And I agree that, when it comes to strangers, especially on an online dating site... .erring on the side of caution is definitely recommended. Not so much because of a general distrust of people, but just because of the realistic amount of risk that is added in a situation like that.

The truth of the matter is... .the only way to trust people is to trust them. That doesn't mean "giving up the goods" - you can be trusting but still careful and cautious with yourself. The most important thing is to trust yourself first, and listen to your instincts and intuition. If you have good boundaries and know/trust yourself, then it's easier to approach the world in a more trusting but careful manner.

And again... .this is, like most things, easier said than done.  I'm still working on my own boundaries and trusting myself. That's a big part of the reason I'm here, after all.

If I had trusted myself and listened to my instincts and intuition, would I have seen the mirroring for what it was? Probably so. It's not so much about distrusting my exbf's motives... .as trusting my own perceptions, intuition, and boundaries.

[myself]

They temporarily used our water (love, trust, etc.) to fill in their cracks, while at the same time our water was looking for somewhere to flow. In the final balance it may have been lopsided/differing amounts, but it was mutual as far as we were all looking to get our needs met in some way or other. We also often projected our good onto them, giving the benefit of the doubt because it helped us not face the facts at the time. Be your own mirror.