A watched pot never boils...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This has really been a hard week for me.  I have been doing okay or so I thought.  But what I am seeing is I have just pushed the feelings down and have been EATING my feelings more and more.  I am over my target weight, out of shape and look forward to bedtime more than anything these days.  And my latest soothing technique came this morning when I chose to take ANOTHER rescue cat (that makes three cats and a dog in my home).  I am becoming THE CAT LADY, something I joked about long ago... .

What I learned this week is I can't hear about ANYTHING related to him and this replacement.  I am good as long as I stay in the dark like a mushroom regarding their life.  I am close friends with the two exes before me as we were able to comfort and soothe each other regarding the damage we suffered.  And only WE know what it was like having this kind of damaging break up.

But one of the girls slips up and tells me what is going on with them via the replacements Instagram page and they are in full blown Honeymoon stage.  She keeps watching hoping to see the IMPLODE take place that we all feel is coming, as we all experienced the same thing, but I am beginning to think the old saying is true and as long as we are tuning in, it's not gonna happen.

I don't want him back.  I realize now I fell for a façade.  He was not real, the relationship was not real, therefore what I felt for him wasn't real either.  I also know that if and when his current relationship fails he will just jump into another one.  But this one bothers me so much because I tried to warn her and her response to me was condescending and mean saying, "yeah, thanks for looking out for me, but I am VERY good... .  He explained everything to me about you and how you are just looking for guys to hook and marry... .good luck with THAT."  It made me mad because that was THE LAST THING I was looking for when we met and I stated so.  HE was the one that pushed that agenda HARD and won.  And that was when he dropped me on my head... .two days before the wedding.

I don't want to sound like a child, but it isn't fair.  They are such damaging, fake, manipulative people that leave a trail of people in their wake that AREN'T bad people.  They go off and just have one thrilling adventure after another without care.   While we sit here, mortally wounded, unable to think about the journey, let alone carry on.

I am broken.  I realize this and I cry hysterically just typing the words.  I have times when I think I have made it through the worst of it.  I am functioning fairly well through my life and day to day tasks.  And then this cloak of darkness rises up from no where and just covers me and I am here again... .feeling this is where I am going to stay emotionally forever.

It is like being forced to walk through life in cold, wet clothes.  I'm miserable, but there are no other clothes in sight for me to change into.

[sirensong65]

This has really been a hard week for me.  I have been doing okay or so I thought.  But what I am seeing is I have just pushed the feelings down and have been EATING my feelings more and more.  I am over my target weight, out of shape and look forward to bedtime more than anything these days.  And my latest soothing technique came this morning when I chose to take ANOTHER rescue cat (that makes three cats and a dog in my home).  I am becoming THE CAT LADY, something I joked about long ago... .

What I learned this week is I can't hear about ANYTHING related to him and this replacement.  I am good as long as I stay in the dark like a mushroom regarding their life.  I am close friends with the two exes before me as we were able to comfort and soothe each other regarding the damage we suffered.  And only WE know what it was like having this kind of damaging break up.

But one of the girls slips up and tells me what is going on with them via the replacements Instagram page and they are in full blown Honeymoon stage.  She keeps watching hoping to see the IMPLODE take place that we all feel is coming, as we all experienced the same thing, but I am beginning to think the old saying is true and as long as we are tuning in, it's not gonna happen.

I don't want him back.  I realize now I fell for a façade.  He was not real, the relationship was not real, therefore what I felt for him wasn't real either.  I also know that if and when his current relationship fails he will just jump into another one.  But this one bothers me so much because I tried to warn her and her response to me was condescending and mean saying, "yeah, thanks for looking out for me, but I am VERY good... .  He explained everything to me about you and how you are just looking for guys to hook and marry... .good luck with THAT."  It made me mad because that was THE LAST THING I was looking for when we met and I stated so.  HE was the one that pushed that agenda HARD and won.  And that was when he dropped me on my head... .two days before the wedding.

I don't want to sound like a child, but it isn't fair.  They are such damaging, fake, manipulative people that leave a trail of people in their wake that AREN'T bad people.  They go off and just have one thrilling adventure after another without care.   While we sit here, mortally wounded, unable to think about the journey, let alone carry on.

I am broken.  I realize this and I cry hysterically just typing the words.  I have times when I think I have made it through the worst of it.  I am functioning fairly well through my life and day to day tasks.  And then this cloak of darkness rises up from no where and just covers me and I am here again... .feeling this is where I am going to stay emotionally forever.

It is like being forced to walk through life in cold, wet clothes.  I'm miserable, but there are no other clothes in sight for me to change into.

[Tim300]

"He explained everything to me about you and how you are just looking for guys to hook and marry... .good luck with THAT."  It made me mad because that was THE LAST THING I was looking for when we met and I stated so.  HE was the one that pushed that agenda HARD and won.  And that was when he dropped me on my head... .

I am sorry you are going through this.  My story has some major similarities.  My pwBPD pushed for marriage, etc.  She called me "cruel" for not buying the ring she selected and proposing to her within a month of her pointing it out to me.  And then when she broke off our engagement (for the ultimate time) she said she was "surprised" that I proposed to her.  Can't make this stuff up.  I guess this is the story she will tell: that is was just me pushing the relationship forward all along (even though this was not remotely the case).

I agree that it is not fair that they can just push people for marriage and then take off and start the thrill with someone else.  It's like a criminal act.  Friends and family of the pwBPD should not enable this behavior -- I guess sometimes it's difficult for friends/family to know what's going on when the pwBPD just completely lies.  Only once the pwBPD reaches a certain age, perhaps, is it clear to almost all outside observers who the problem is.  I am definitely going to make sure to meet long-term friends of my next significant other.  It seems like people who get away with this bait and switch cannot have many long-term, close friends (b/c the pattern would get exposed). 

[sirensong65]

Well, in my exes case, his entire family was dysfunctional.  Brother has a pot smoking/drug issue.  Sister seemed like a hoarder and enabled my ex.  His mother died and his father is only in his 60's and already in a secured memory ward for Bi Polar/Sch/Parkinsons.

Dear old Dad left his mom for some low class gal when the wife was dying of Stage 4 breast cancer... nice guy.

It is notable that my ex was diagnosed Bipolar after our demise but was supposibly treated on and off for depression through the years.  Also had ADD.  My gut says he was told he was bi polar WAAAAYYYY back and never got treated.

I met one and only one TRUE friend and that guy was a womanizing loser.  My ex has no friends to speak of.  He claimed to have a ton of female friends when we first started dating.  I realized after the break up that those were like me, all possible victims he was courting at the same time as me as they drifted away slowly as we developed a relationship.  I was the chosen one... unfortunate for me.

The replacement he is currently seeing is in the sex industry or ANY industry where she can make a buck.  She is a loner it appears, no friends, no real close family ties it seems, and ALSO bipolar.  My girlfriend has pointed out that it will hit this girl harder than it did me as she also has a mental illness, no family support and no circle of friends to catch her the way I did.  Seems unimaginable that it would be WORSE than what I have went through.  I had the best support structure a woman could ask for, and still I struggle almost a year and a half out.

[patientandclear]

Siren, I've followed your story all this time. I just want to say: you are not alone. It's been a long time for me. I'm still not OK. I've tried everything known to man except anti-depressants too. So much therapy. Barely made a dent in the hurt. Sensorimotor psychotherapy and lifespan integration helped me stop the cycle of humiliation and abandonment with him, but they don't fix the broken feeling. I feel permanently altered and not in a good way. All of this means I have a hard time getting away from regret about saying goodbye to him. My thoughts go: maybe staying with him WOULD have been better than the alternative because this alternative is really miserable.

I'm glad you have the verification that comes with having talked with the other women he's done this to. You know you're not flawed for still being so affected. I have come to see what my ex does serially to women as like someone who makes shark fin soup: consume the choicest morsels and then throw the creature back to drown slowly because an essential piece has been taken. Most of the women my ex has tried to partner with have been devastated when he abandons them. I have a lot of compassion for what he goes through -- and the cognitive distortions of BPD make it very hard for him to see what is really going on -- but this is astonishingly destructive.

[billypilgrim]

He was not real, the relationship was not real, therefore what I felt for him wasn't real either. 

I'd be careful here.  What you felt was most certainly real.  The relationship was very, very real to you.  And that goes for all of us.  Otherwise we wouldn't be here trying to put the pieces back together and figure everything out.  You loved someone very deeply.  You wouldn't be feeling all of the hurt and pain that you feel if you didn't. 

I think acknowledging that is important for the grieving process.  If you don't grieve all the way, you end up choking everything down and as a result, you are kicking the can down the road for those feelings to pop back up again.  So maybe instead of trying to run from your feelings, you let yourself feel next time you are having a rough day.  Ask yourself what it means to have those feelings and what they say about you.  I think you'll likely see yourself in a good light.

And you don't sound like a child.  You are right.  It isn't fair.  They are disordered people that only hurt those that they pull close and trust most.  But you aren't like him.  You don't have a trail of broken people and wrecked relationships.  You can rebuild again.  He's going to repeat the same cycles.  There's not a woman in this world capable of taming or curing him.  You, however, have a chance to move forward in life and be happy again.

Maybe next time you can rescue another dog.  Might even things out a little bit - you could even call yourself the catdog lady. 

[Leaving]

Siren,

I think you are doing really well under the circumstances.  You have a lot to grieve and it's healthy to do that. Your ex isn't going to grieve like you because he doesn't experience relationships and life like you do.  don't compare yourself and your new life to your ex's.  I would stay away from social media and focus on the real world.  Do you write your feelings down in a journal?  It really helps me to write my feelings and get into touch my grief- what I'm grieving specifically.  One thing I discovered is that I grieve the loss of security I had in knowing that I was with a disordered person.  I know that sounds completely nuts but after being together for so long, I actually identified with the crazy-making and it became my 'normal' and I knew I could count on it.  My entire life revolved around my husband's crazy.  If it wasn't for the crazy-making I wouldn't have had any life at all.  Hope that makes sense.  I also grieve the loss of hope, dreams and the possibility that he would miraculously be cured or change.  Today, my life is so uncertain.  Everything is new territory, no drama, no crazy.  I feel like I just landed on a new planet. I'm a creature of habit and don't like so much change.  All the uncertainty can feel over-whelming as well as exciting but I remind myself that I'm so much better off and that I'm at least waking up to a day that I can create for MYSELF, all by myself.

Go outside and connect with nature, bask in the sunshine, go for a walk, talk to people, take a yoga class, join a book club.    I do what I can to connect with people in real time because it's been so long for me since I was connected to anything other than my crazy home life. 

You sound like me with the rescue animals. It's a good thing I don't own a farm.  Animal rescue and foster and rehab was a huge part of my life for the last 30 years.  I also rehab wildlife.  I went through a really rough patch during the holidays because I haven't had any animals since last April- almost a year!  All I had was me and it was hell!  I am forcing myself NOT to add anyone to my life until I get settled into my new life.  It is SO hard for me because I love animals, love their energy. I decided to volunteer at the shelter for now instead of adopting.  It's just too costly and I don't want to bring an animal into my life until I'm happy and secure and can give it the same.   My poor dogs suffered so during my marriage because I was so stressed and depressed all the time.  I never neglected them but they mirror us and well, it wasn't a good thing.

You may also benefit from reading, ' Broken Open ... How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow" by Elizabeth Lesser