Were you presenting a false self?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

What we are giving our borderline partner is what our own vulnerable child needs

Which is a good place to start; give someone else what we want and need, hoping they'll like it, hoping they'll reciprocate, chances are good they want and need it too, people aren't that different.  Mental illness?  Oops.  How do we not make that mistake again?

[fromheeltoheal]

What we are giving our borderline partner is what our own vulnerable child needs

Which is a good place to start; give someone else what we want and need, hoping they'll like it, hoping they'll reciprocate, chances are good they want and need it too, people aren't that different.  Mental illness?  Oops.  How do we not make that mistake again?

[Blimblam]

I also wanted to point something out how we treated the abandoned child speaks a lot to our character it means we were seeking something.  Their is a pretty major world religion based around the vulnerable child archetype it's called Christianity. 

[BorisAcusio]

Yes, most of us were presenting false selves to our pwBPD. No, that doesn't mean we were somehow "fake" or not true to ourselves. In fact, our false self is very much a part of who we are.

False selves are defense mechanisms, complex coping strategies. For people with personality disorders, these false selves are pathological. Non-PD people have false selves, too, but they only emerge in specific situations, unique to the person.

There are certain types of "false selves" that are prone to being activated by relationships with borderlines-- including the Rescuer, the White Knight, the Understanding-Seeker, and the Narcissistic. This is the false self that the borderline attaches to, mirrors, and eventually peels away.

A lot of people find that their BPD relationships reopened family of origin (FOO) wounds. This is one reason why the extreme devaluation and end of the relationship is so very devastating, because we've been stripped of our most primal coping mechanisms. See, our false selves are what we constructed to deal with our FOO -- to protect the vulnerable child inside from being hurt and feeling worthless, unlovable, lonely, not good enough. And when, over the course of a BPD relationship, we find that our false selves no longer work, we are left open and vulnerable... .knights with no armor and no weapons.

Unlike with the borderline, the non-borderline's false self is tied to an inner self. We may be stripped and wounded, but we are still whole. And now, with what we've learned, we can rebuild... .keeping what works and is healthy, casting aside what isn't.

Fantastic post, HappyNihilist. Here's 2010's take on the topic:

Is that "false self" you mentioned kind of like the result of their thought reform or the person they trained you to be?

A false self hides your inner child for protection against the thought that *you are insignificant, don’t exist, are unworthy, unlovable, doomed to a horrible outcome... .* The false self prevents these deeply repressed thoughts from surfacing. This is a primitive form of your own *splitting* concerning yourself.

When the false self doesn’t work anymore- it’s been challenged. And the only time it was ever challenged in the past was when it was being formed.

It involves your earliest survival instincts to attach to your first object; Mother. It is considered pre-oedipal- meaning it comes before Father enters the picture- at the age between 18 mos. and 3 years, coincidentally, at the time you are beginning to walk, explore and develop the “self.”

And yes, it’s all your Mother’s doing- with a slam dunk refinishing by your Father, once you reach the Oedipal stage- but it’s the earliest object (Mother) that sets the mood for abandonment or engulfment.

Was she able to allow you the freedom to become your own person? (Smothering, Doting, Spoiling = engulfment) Was she there when you returned from exploring? Was she available for support or encouragement? Yes/No? (Neglect, Absenteeism = abandonment)

A child seeks to understand what life is meant to be- (Questions: am I supposed to stay here with Mommy? Can I explore elsewhere? Will Mommy allow it if I go and then return? Will she be mad? All of these questions are determined by the earliest attachment- the earliest role model- the caretaker = and our SURVIVAL depended upon her. The false self was what we had to come up with to please her- by determining what was valuable to her- and guarantee our survival (bond) -this set our survival skill set into our adult lives with OTHER people.

Relying too heavily on this false solution meant the child eliminated the chance at a real self, (one that was REAL and not reactive to capricious and punitive caretakers who were responsible for survival.)

Our false self protected our real person from being hurt. Years later as adults, we select people to hear the same message we learned as children- and we attract them with our false selves- because the false self is what we used initially to help us with the parent.

Scenario 1:

Act i: A child has learned that the greatest valuation is compliance. Thoughtful, respectful, shielded, honorable, valuable. These children sometimes act as little therapists for the family- mediating, caretaking. Their false selves hide the fact that they wish someone would take care of them. They are, in fact, little “parents.”

Fast forward: The child grows into a very capable, considerate, caring adult child- whose self esteem is based on “good.” Their entire lives have been an effort to prove how good they are- and a certain psychological construct is formed of being a Hero/Heroine.

Deep down they wish others would acknowledge the sacrifices they’ve made and see the good- that they see in themselves.

Act ii: Enter Romantic interest- one who mirrors the good and shows an incredible, life affirming spot light of interest in the false self. The adult child thinks, “Finally! My love has arrived! Another human being sees the “good” in me- and I have been proven right. I AM a good person. I can solve anything. I am gifted. I will show this romance that I have come through difficulties and emerged as a mature force. I understand life.”

Act iii. Romantic interest mirrors the false self of the adult child- “yes, I am also a good person. I can solve anything (with you by my side) I see the good in you- BUT you see the good in me too. I am your Hero/Heroine. I will save you.” This is the false self of the Borderline- who has attached to a Host. The substitute stand-in for the Parent.

Act iv: The false self of the Adult Child goes down temporarily due to hidden fears.  The real self emerges- “perhaps Im not as all good as I thought.” The romantic partner, who is now a stand-in for the parent -is she available for support or encouragement? Yes/No?  

No- the romantic partner has substituted the adult child for her own stand-in- the smothering, hypercritical parent. The romantic partner hears “UNHAPPY, FEAR, BAD, WRONG…” and it’s just a flick of the switch to re-live her early childhood.

The idealization of each other has now confirmed each other’s greatest fear- that the real self is lacking- but also, that the false self is no longer WORKING to offset the fear.

Masterson felt that the quest in therapy was to show the reaction formations and reasoning for creation of the false self. This was done in a transference setting with a therapist as a stand-in for the parent- the patient would project onto the therapist the reactive formation- the therapist would identify it and then gently guide and re-program the reactive formations to better suit the true self.

But how many people actually get the chance to do this? How many people actually go into therapy (unless they’ve had a severe crisis?) Most people continue on through their lives with their false selves in place and do just fine.

It’s only when you choose a partner that pushes you into a hard place- that you really understand that’s it’s just your real self fighting to get back to the surface. It’s covered in crud and dying to get a breath.

Act v: Stop fighting with it and let it through. Understand, and grieve the old self. It’s no longer serviceable. Uncover the real you. Your romantic interest was just a tool (literally and figuratively) that dug deep.  

Reading about the dynamics behind the interaction resulted in a true "aha" moment, even a year after the initial breakup.

[Pingo]

But how many people actually get the chance to do this? How many people actually go into therapy (unless they’ve had a severe crisis?) Most people continue on through their lives with their false selves in place and do just fine.

It’s only when you choose a partner that pushes you into a hard place- that you really understand that’s it’s just your real self fighting to get back to the surface. It’s covered in crud and dying to get a breath.

Act v: Stop fighting with it and let it through. Understand, and grieve the old self. It’s no longer serviceable. Uncover the real you. Your romantic interest was just a tool (literally and figuratively) that dug deep.  

The gift of the pwBPD if we choose to accept it.  Thanks for sharing this BorisAcusio!

[fromheeltoheal]

Reading about the dynamics behind the interaction resulted in a true "aha" moment, even a year after the initial breakup.

Yeah, me too.  Being understanding-driven, and not understanding a damn thing as the relationship spun out of control towards the end, reading academic stuff describing the clinical nature of the dynamic I'd been immersed in was extremely helpful in that understanding, a true aha moment, I'm with you Boris.

Most people continue on through their lives with their false selves in place and do just fine.

So having aha-ed and dug deep, does anyone ever wonder if they're continuing through life with a false self intact, and doing just fine?  And if so, since it's what most people do, and if it works don't fix it, is that OK?  I don't think so in my case; my motivations, where they come from in the dynamic of my FOO, when I'm being real and authentic and when I'm not, all available to me.  Is there some deep-seated psychic pain that even I can't see that colors everything?  Is my false self so ironclad that breaking through it to get to the "truth" would take help and monumental work and when I did it my entire worldview would change?  I've done the digging and I don't think so.  I know why I got together with my borderline ex in the first place, what things she awakened in me, why it felt so addicting, and why it hurt so badly when she took herself away, or the disorder did.  The key moving forward is to be exactly who I am and notice what I'm getting, and what's being taken, and don't settle; does it have to be any more complicated than that?

[Blimblam]

For me I felt my false self come back.  And it hides painfull memories.  It never really left but it is more intact now than it was.  Actually pinpointing  the pain it hides from me is difficult it is like trying to catch a slimy fish with your hands.

I think through interaction with others is potentially a good way to become aware of the things the false self hides from us.  A therapist could be useful but also through when someone shows you what they are hiding from themself i find this moment where I sometimes see what they are hiding from themself and it triggers me to go the place in myself and confront the place where my false self is like surrounding s lost piece of my real self.  I nottice the false self give like an extinction burst of pain to avoid facing what ever is there and often times like te slimy fish it slips through my fingers. 

Dreams are a good place to confront this stuff, you have to become like lucid for a moment and start questioning the characters in your dream.  I find its a female character that leads me to confront a sort of bad guy and if I'm succesful with the confrontation it's like recovering the lost parts of myself.  Even still it's like trying to grab a slimy fish with your hands.  Which is why a therapist would be useful to help bring you back to confronting the defense mechenisms in the way.

[Deeno02]

I did not present a false self. Never have with anyone I meet. HOWEVER, when the r/s kicked in, I morphed into someone I wasnt to adapt to my exgf. Started wearing clothes I never would have worn, eating at haute places I never would have ate at before, looking for a better job to be able to keep in line with her lifestyle. It wasnt me. So as far as a false self, no. But I sure as hell became false in order to adapt. Thats how strong my fear of being alone was and not wanting to lose her. A very powerful emotion. One that can overpower your sense of being in order to placate another.

[HappyNihilist]

For me I felt my false self come back.  And it hides painfull memories.  It never really left but it is more intact now than it was.  Actually pinpointing  the pain it hides from me is difficult it is like trying to catch a slimy fish with your hands.

This is a perfect analogy, Blimblam! 

I, too, have felt my false self try to come back. These are lifelong, deeply ingrained, complex defense mechanisms. This is one reason why I'm personally not interested in attempting a romantic relationship for a while, as I continue to focus and work on myself.

Dreams are a good place to confront this stuff

I'm a big believer in dream journals and analysis. Our dreams are where our brains are converting short-term memories into long-term ones, processing information and experiences, expressing fears and desires that we try to keep locked away. Like anything, it's more about how you feel about the dreams than just strict analysis according to archetypes, symbols, etc. Journaling about my dreams and my own feelings and interpretations helps me identify and process my feelings, and challenge and question myself.

Reading about the dynamics behind the interaction resulted in a true "aha" moment, even a year after the initial breakup.

Boris, thank you so much for sharing that 2010 post. It's one of my favorites, too.

I fought the idea that I presented a false self at first. I'm a pretty damn genuine person. We're conditioned to think of anything "false" as negative, fake, inauthentic. In reality, a "false self" is simply a projection that is not our true self. It's neither inherently "good" nor "bad"... .it's neutral, it's Human.

But then, even as I learned more about false selves, I had difficulty pinpointing mine. This particular post gave me a big "aha" moment, and I still take something new away from it every time I revisit it.

Our false self protected our real person from being hurt. Years later as adults, we select people to hear the same message we learned as children- and we attract them with our false selves- because the false self is what we used initially to help us with the parent.

The scenario that 2010 gives is... .well, me. Completely. I cried my eyes out the first time I read it.

Act i: A child has learned that the greatest valuation is compliance. Thoughtful, respectful, shielded, honorable, valuable. These children sometimes act as little therapists for the family- mediating, caretaking. Their false selves hide the fact that they wish someone would take care of them. They are, in fact, little “parents.”

Fast forward: The child grows into a very capable, considerate, caring adult child- whose self esteem is based on “good.” Their entire lives have been an effort to prove how good they are- and a certain psychological construct is formed of being a Hero/Heroine.

Deep down they wish others would acknowledge the sacrifices they’ve made and see the good- that they see in themselves.

Act ii: Enter Romantic interest- one who mirrors the good and shows an incredible, life affirming spot light of interest in the false self. The adult child thinks, “Finally! My love has arrived! Another human being sees the “good” in me- and I have been proven right. I AM a good person. I can solve anything. I am gifted. I will show this romance that I have come through difficulties and emerged as a mature force. I understand life.”

Act iii. Romantic interest mirrors the false self of the adult child- “yes, I am also a good person. I can solve anything (with you by my side) I see the good in you- BUT you see the good in me too. I am your Hero/Heroine. I will save you.” This is the false self of the Borderline- who has attached to a Host. The substitute stand-in for the Parent.

Act iv: The false self of the Adult Child goes down temporarily due to hidden fears.  The real self emerges- “perhaps Im not as all good as I thought.” The romantic partner, who is now a stand-in for the parent -is she available for support or encouragement? Yes/No? 

No- the romantic partner has substituted the adult child for her own stand-in- the smothering, hypercritical parent. The romantic partner hears “UNHAPPY, FEAR, BAD, WRONG…” and it’s just a flick of the switch to re-live her early childhood.

The idealization of each other has now confirmed each other’s greatest fear- that the real self is lacking- but also, that the false self is no longer WORKING to offset the fear.

There's another 2010 quote that has always stuck with me-- "The mask comes off, not theirs, YOURS." This stage of the relationship is when our false self has been peeled off and discarded as worthless by the pwBPD.

Fortunately for us, we have a real face underneath the mask. We may not love what it looks like right now, but that's ok. (Remember, it's been through hell!) It's beautiful because it's ours, and because it's real, and once we see and understand and believe that, we won't need that old mask anymore.

Masterson felt that the quest in therapy was to show the reaction formations and reasoning for creation of the false self. This was done in a transference setting with a therapist as a stand-in for the parent- the patient would project onto the therapist the reactive formation- the therapist would identify it and then gently guide and re-program the reactive formations to better suit the true self.

But how many people actually get the chance to do this? How many people actually go into therapy (unless they’ve had a severe crisis?) Most people continue on through their lives with their false selves in place and do just fine.

It’s only when you choose a partner that pushes you into a hard place- that you really understand that’s it’s just your real self fighting to get back to the surface. It’s covered in crud and dying to get a breath.

Act v: Stop fighting with it and let it through. Understand, and grieve the old self. It’s no longer serviceable. Uncover the real you. Your romantic interest was just a tool (literally and figuratively) that dug deep.

And this is why I consider my relationship with my exBPDbf to be a gift.

[christin5433]

So true I'm kinda recognizing this hasn't been just coincidental ? I'm actually being pushed more than ever to take a true look deeper than ever. It's just a beginning I'm kinda done blaming and being pissed. I am grieving and anger is the core but its reading deeper subjects that are pointing to myself. What a interesting travel we all have. From such fallout .

[fromheeltoheal]

So true I'm kinda recognizing this hasn't been just coincidental ?

My thoughts exactly.  When the student is ready the teacher appears.  Borderlines exist for a reason, the disorder has made it this far through evolution because it serves a purpose; there are things some of us need to learn, and there's no better motivator than someone who hits us where it hurts, causing us to dig and learn and grow.  And the more I do the more I discover I'm happy with who I am and am exactly who I'm supposed to be, with an added focus of gratitude for myself and my life; we value something more when we lose it and then get it back.  So I agree, the relationship was a gift, one I'm grateful for.

[christin5433]

So true I'm kinda recognizing this hasn't been just coincidental ?

My thoughts exactly.  When the student is ready the teacher appears.  Borderlines exist for a reason, the disorder has made it this far through evolution because it serves a purpose; there are things some of us need to learn, and there's no better motivator than someone who hits us where it hurts, causing us to dig and learn and grow.  And the more I do the more I discover I'm happy with who I am and am exactly who I'm supposed to be, with an added focus of gratitude for myself and my life; we value something more when we lose it and then get it back.  So I agree, the relationship was a gift, one I'm grateful for.

I really like looking at it from this angle I have been in 30plus days of anger and depression and feeling like a victim . And it's debilitating . I notice when I look at it like this I can feel peace inside trying more to figure out how I'm gonna better myself and I mean from a different level. I know I was a caretaker consumed in a lot of drama. Things are calm. I'm hurting and I'm unraveling inside and I'm rolling with it. It's not my ex she will move on in her own twisted drama. I need to do positive recovery from this pain is a motivator . I'm glad We have this forum finding this forum is not just a coincident either.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm hurting and I'm unraveling inside and I'm rolling with it.

I honestly can't give anyone any better advice than that. Let yourself unravel... .keep rolling with it... .go where it takes you... . 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey christin-

I have been in 30plus days of anger and depression and feeling like a victim . And it's debilitating .

Yes, and remember those are phases and the only way out is through, so it's important to feel it as it is, but don't make it worse than it is, one foot in front of the other.  I agree with Happy that rolling with it to see where it takes you is the answer, as opposed to avoiding it or numbing it.

I notice when I look at it like this I can feel peace inside trying more to figure out how I'm gonna better myself and I mean from a different level. I know I was a caretaker consumed in a lot of drama. Things are calm.

Things are calm when we are walking our own path and know it, and if it's a challenge because we're working through something, we also know a wiser us will come out the other side.  Not only is that true, but focusing on it shifts our focus from the past to the future.

I need to do positive recovery from this pain is a motivator .

Yes.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  Sometimes the reasons aren't yet clear, but faith that they will be is a motivating focus.  Take care of you!

[christin5433]

Hey christin-

I have been in 30plus days of anger and depression and feeling like a victim . And it's debilitating .

Yes, and remember those are phases and the only way out is through, so it's important to feel it as it is, but don't make it worse than it is, one foot in front of the other.  I agree with Happy that rolling with it to see where it takes you is the answer, as opposed to avoiding it or numbing it.

I notice when I look at it like this I can feel peace inside trying more to figure out how I'm gonna better myself and I mean from a different level. I know I was a caretaker consumed in a lot of drama. Things are calm.

Things are calm when we are walking our own path and know it, and if it's a challenge because we're working through something, we also know a wiser us will come out the other side.  Not only is that true, but focusing on it shifts our focus from the past to the future.

I need to do positive recovery from this pain is a motivator .

Yes.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  Sometimes the reasons aren't yet clear, but faith that they will be is a motivating focus.  Take care of you!

Thank u I'm having moments of clarity and just plain not knowing all at once. I do keep putting one step in front of the other shift my focus on my recovery biggg deal for me! My focus has been my ex and at times I am still in it. Much anger and much wanting of resolve but doesn't seem the case. I'm def putting my thoughts into faith because I'm sick of living in fear of a person . My drug. My life. My fantasy . Needs to be changed all that disillusion . I was treated very bad from a sick person . Now I need to not let myself be in that anymore I need to care about my life. I still care about my ex but differently. I hope she learns Something too. I want peace in me too much turmoil has been my existence .

[fromheeltoheal]

shift my focus on my recovery biggg deal for me! My focus has been my ex and at times I am still in it.

There might be some big growth in there moving forward.  :)o you find yourself putting other people's needs ahead of your own in general?  When we do that with a disordered person who is all about need we can lose ourselves in it.  I have a long history as a people pleaser, giving in hope of getting, making other people's needs more important than my own, and I felt myself going further and further down the rabbit hole with my ex, into that bottomless pit of need, and I give myself credit for having the awareness to see it and bail, but then it made my tendency to do that with everyone else that much more glaring; that glaring was one of the gifts of the relationship.

My drug. My life. My fantasy . Needs to be changed all that disillusion . I was treated very bad from a sick person .

Yes, it's amazing what we'll put up with when we're chasing an addiction.  We are only treated as badly as we allow, and digging into the motivations for why we put up with what we did, why we became addicted, is a new focus to become addicted to, so to speak, and that will shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future.

I still care about my ex but differently.  I want peace in me too much turmoil has been my existence .

And more good news is as you shift your focus to the future and start moving in that direction you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, so you'll make more progress, and as you do that the emotions around your ex will fade into the past along with their intensity, and you won't forget her, it just won't have any emotion tied to it.  What step can you take today towards your future?

[christin5433]

I'm going forward by not going backward. I just stay under the radar keeping myself safe from anything that makes my head spin. I'm being good to myself day by day. I had some feeling of being sad about her today that feeling sucks. But I let it pass and went w it.

Good to be in the living.

[Mike-X]

So true I'm kinda recognizing this hasn't been just coincidental ? I'm actually being pushed more than ever to take a true look deeper than ever. It's just a beginning I'm kinda done blaming and being pissed. I am grieving and anger is the core but its reading deeper subjects that are pointing to myself. What a interesting travel we all have. From such fallout .

I feel like I am on a similar path of self exploration. I find myself getting angry sometimes, too. But I usually notice that my anger is incoherent, an incoherent rant in my head. Then when I pause and ask myself what I am really angry about... .I try to think of the key issue or issues... .invariably, I just smile as  the truth hits me... .the truth that I am still attached to her.

[christin5433]

So true I'm kinda recognizing this hasn't been just coincidental ? I'm actually being pushed more than ever to take a true look deeper than ever. It's just a beginning I'm kinda done blaming and being pissed. I am grieving and anger is the core but its reading deeper subjects that are pointing to myself. What a interesting travel we all have. From such fallout .

I feel like I am on a similar path of self exploration. I find myself getting angry sometimes, too. But I usually notice that my anger is incoherent, an incoherent rant in my head. Then when I pause and ask myself what I am really angry about... .I try to think of the key issue or issues... .invariably, I just smile as  the truth hits me... .the truth that I am still attached to her.

That's actually a good way to self talk w your rational side . I'm also telling myself why are you angry and trying to see where it is that I failed in myself. I'm not saying I'm a failure I just made choices that put me in this position that I'm broken inside. I need to mend myself . I too live with that attachment w her.

[Blimblam]

For me when I do contact the "real" self through my "false self." I typically have a "breakthrough"  moment and begin crying.  It also works conversely so if I find something that triggers me to cry, and not from onions, I have a breakthrough moment. 

Also for me personally I enter trance states.   I struggled thinking it was wrong because other people told me they were wrong.  They are not. It's just a small percentage of people have this ability and in western modern society we are told it is wrong. Unfortunately we don't have a system of mentorship for people with this ability like they do in indigenous cultures, where someone like me would recieve mentorship to be the shaman or seer within the tribe. 

It is a part of our false self that tells us to push the pain away because I am great and all better an real and genuine and completely authentic.  The false self is a construct that does not go away and if it did completely you would be a bodhisattva.

[fromheeltoheal]

Personally I don't see the benefit in adopting a belief that under what I call reality somewhere there is deep-seated pain that is still coloring my world.  I don't see how that is empowering, and I've done the meditation, the dreaming, the therapy and the self-help and either there just isn't any pain there or my false self is really damn good at hiding it from me.  Doesn't matter, happy is happy.  But I do know when I'm being authentic with someone or not, and I wasn't with my ex, I was uncomfortable from the beginning, that was the red flags I was ignoring, and I bullshtted her a bunch too, pretty damn unauthentic from the start and throughout.  Granted I knew it and wanted to move beyond it but things just got worse.  And you'd think at my advanced age I'd know that nothing good can come out of inauthenticity, but I guess I had to learn that lesson again, very painfully this time.  But the upside is I now value authentic communication more than ever, in fact I've developed a strong distaste for bullsht, and all of my current relationships are benefiting.  It's about getting out of my own way and taking the risk of expressing my vulnerability, but to the right people with boundaries in place.  This focus is new for me; stay tuned for updates... .

[Blimblam]

Fromheeledyoheel,

That's the thing is the false self wants to focus on things that empower it.  You have shifted the focus into being happy.  There's nothing wrong with being happy but happiness is just one crayon in the box.  

I was not fake with my exgf, not at all. We did play sort of games and all people do but I made them very self aware and was extremely authentic with her. I was so much so she would nottice and comment about it. I also practiced non violent communication with her and was willing to talk about our feeling at length and in depth. I was genuine and honest.  But all of it was based on a larger framework of my false self.  Everyone has a false self, it is the maya or samsara from Buddhism and Hinduism.

I am not against personal empowerment but what is often perceived as empowermemt is often a way of reinforcing the ego defence mechanisms of the false self.  especially a lot of the stuff out their marketed as personal empowerment cultish stuff.  Good parodies or that are te films Little miss Sunshine, and American Beauty.

The part that is empowering is becoming aware of our own projections and understanding when someone else is and seeking forgiveness.  It is a painfull process to actually do it because we confront our own shame and pain which is a valid part of our existance just as much as happiness.

[hergestridge]

No, I was not presenting a false self. On the other hand, now that she's gone I an able to be more authentic. Under her influence I was more negative and agressive than what is natural for me. But that was not a self I presented to her. It was just something she expected from me. There was no room for my peaceful nature in her conflict oriented world.

And in a way she didn't give a ___ about my self (false or authentic). She just wanted to know if I was WITH her or AGAINST her.

When we broke up after 20 years it turned up she didn't know me very well at all. Like a fleeting aquintance. I tried so hard to be truthful, good, loyal and honest. I think I was too, but the reason it somehow rang hollow... .in hindsight it propably was that she was never really there.

There was really no need to impress or manipulate. From day one I felt like the relationship was out of my control. She was the captain and she didn't really care much what I was up to.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, you're right Blim, happiness isn't the goal, authenticity is, and whatever emotions come up while being authentic, including happiness.  We are who we are in relationship with others, and I made a big mistake picking whom to attempt authenticity with, it was met with mindfck, but I didn't know that at first, and was way out of my comfort zone.  Confronting whatever emotions come up in the presence of and with folks who are supportive and genuinely care is livin' all the way.  My relationship was relatively short and I had the feeling it wasn't going to last right from the beginning, we never got very emotionally close, but it sounds like you went all the way in with yours, which must have made the experience very painful; good for you for being honest and authentic in yours.

[fromheeltoheal]

No, I was not presenting a false self. On the other hand, now that she's gone I an able to be more authentic. Under her influence I was more negative and agressive than what is natural for me. But that was not a self I presented to her. It was just something she expected from me. There was no room for my peaceful nature in her conflict oriented world.

And in a way she didn't give a ___ about my self (false or authentic). She just wanted to know if I was WITH her or AGAINST her.

When we broke up after 20 years it turned up she didn't know me very well at all. Like a fleeting aquintance. I tried so hard to be truthful, good, loyal and honest. I think I was too, but the reason it somehow rang hollow... .in hindsight it propably was that she was never really there.

There was really no need to impress or manipulate. From day one I felt like the relationship was out of my control. She was the captain and she didn't really care much what I was up to.

That sounds very much like mine herges.  I agree with you that when attempts to be honest and authentic were not reciprocated I became someone reactionary; I don't know how you did it for 20 years.  I'm fiercely independent and I have a major problem with control, and the combination of her attempts at control and not really being there drove me away quickly, although the wake-up call was received.  Digging continues... .

[jhkbuzz]

So the pwBPDs mirroring and validation and idealization creates a reflection that covers our own insecurities and pain. The pwBPD presents themselves often as the victim so it is a natural fit for them to asume the space where our own pain would be in our psyche. The pwBPD becomes a substitute for our own vulnerable child this part of ourself that is possibly too painful to access becomes accessible through identifying this part of ourself through the pwBPD.

I wanted to add to this.  So we fell in love with the image of ourself where the pain we are in ourself belongs to the pwBPD while the pwBPD validates however it is we behaved or wanted to see our self as.  The pwBPD provided us narcisistic supply to provide a mirror to hide our pain so we fell in love with the narcisistic image of our idealized self.  

These are very good points, Blimblam.

The borderline partner mirrors this false self, but like you said, they can only mirror what they see, what we present. This does result in an idealized reflection... .and a shallow one. The borderline's mirror image is without the foundation of our core self -- the very self that created these defense mechanisms, for very real reasons -- and incapable of growth or change.

We project our own vulnerable child needs and expectations onto our borderline partner - made easy because, as you said, the borderline often presents as a victim. We use our "false self" to try to save, love, understand, etc., that vulnerable child we see within the pwBPD.

What we are giving our borderline partner is what our own vulnerable child needs.

Ohmigod... .you mean all the "parenting" I did for her "vulnerable child" was what I always wanted for myself?  WOW.  Just, wow, wow, and wow again.

The false and true selves come from psychoanalytic theory. The idea that the "false self" is what we created very early on to please our caregiver - that we molded our little selves into what we perceived would "please" them - resonates with me. I feel it somewhere deep down and long ago - and it was this false self that I unconsciously presented to my ex .  How interesting that my strength, my "capable-ness", my independence, my intelligence - were all things that my mother valued in me.  Many in this thread have also identified these characteristics as their own - and ones that their ex's were attracted to initially. I know my ex was.  And my false self was reinforced when it appeared to be what she wanted... .I became even stronger, more capable, more of the problem solver in the r/s... .while she regressed further and further. That dynamic - that imbalance of power - is eventually what destroyed the r/s on both sides.  I began to resent the load I was carrying.  And she began to resent feeling like a child.

hmmmm... .

[aubin]

The false and true selves come from psychoanalytic theory. The idea that the "false self" is what we created very early on to please our caregiver - that we molded our little selves into what we perceived would "please" them - resonates with me. I feel it somewhere deep down and long ago - and it was this false self that I unconsciously presented to my ex .  How interesting that my strength, my "capable-ness", my independence, my intelligence - were all things that my mother valued in me.  Many in this thread have also identified these characteristics as their own - and ones that their ex's were attracted to initially. I know my ex was.  And my false self was reinforced when it appeared to be what she wanted... .I became even stronger, more capable, more of the problem solver in the r/s... .while she regressed further and further. That dynamic - that imbalance of power - is eventually what destroyed the r/s on both sides.  I began to resent the load I was carrying.  And she began to resent feeling like a child.

hmmmm... .

This describes to a T my relationship with my ex BPD -- the more confident and capable I became, the more she unraveled. Though I wasn't actually becoming more confident and capable but rather was investing more and more into the idea of myself as confident and capable. In reality my confidence was slowly being stripped away -- and the more this happened, the more invested still I had to be in the idea and image of my confident self.

My confidence and stability are what allowed her to "let go" and just dissolve because she knew that I would take care of things. And that was my false self, this self that claimed it could handle anything and never crack.

[jhkbuzz]

The false and true selves come from psychoanalytic theory. The idea that the "false self" is what we created very early on to please our caregiver - that we molded our little selves into what we perceived would "please" them - resonates with me. I feel it somewhere deep down and long ago - and it was this false self that I unconsciously presented to my ex .  How interesting that my strength, my "capable-ness", my independence, my intelligence - were all things that my mother valued in me.  Many in this thread have also identified these characteristics as their own - and ones that their ex's were attracted to initially. I know my ex was.  And my false self was reinforced when it appeared to be what she wanted... .I became even stronger, more capable, more of the problem solver in the r/s... .while she regressed further and further. That dynamic - that imbalance of power - is eventually what destroyed the r/s on both sides.  I began to resent the load I was carrying.  And she began to resent feeling like a child.

hmmmm... .

This describes to a T my relationship with my ex BPD -- the more confident and capable I became, the more she unraveled. Though I wasn't actually becoming more confident and capable but rather was investing more and more into the idea of myself as confident and capable. In reality my confidence was slowly being stripped away -- and the more this happened, the more invested still I had to be in the idea and image of my confident self.

My confidence and stability are what allowed her to "let go" and just dissolve because she knew that I would take care of things. And that was my false self, this self that claimed it could handle anything and never crack.

Yes  :'(  I was wrong about that - this r/s took me to the brink of "cracking."

I did become more "confident and capable" - for a while.  And I don't mean to cast this in a positive light.  I think her idealization of my false self created a bit of a monster in me - it encouraged me to be too dominant in the r/s. When she rejected my false self - or pushed me off the pedestal - or devalued me - or whatever you want to name it - when she started going outside our r/s (and cheating) is when my confidence and self esteem was rapidly stripped away. 

But the false self doesn't die an easy death - I redoubled my efforts, confident that I could solve this problem the way I solved all my other problems - with persistence, with intelligence, and through sheer force of will.

Wrong, wrong and wrong.

And I own the responsibility for that.  I hope I'll never be that arrogant - or foolish - again.

[drummerboy]

This really strikes a chord for me. Very early on my ex told me ":)on't believe that women lib stuff, women just want a guy to take of us, look after us" So early on in the r/s she was the vulnerable little child, when her adult surfaced I think she resented me still playing the dominant, daddy figure as you have stated so well. I too kind of took control of the r/s sensing this vulnerable little girl in her, she goes between that and the in control, all grown up adult mask. Ultimately she is incapable of standing on her own two feet as an independent woman. I can only have great pity for her inner turmoil. The pain I felt for a relatively short while is what she lives with day in, day out, year after year and no one would wish that on anyone.

I think her idealization of my false self created a bit of a monster in me - it encouraged me to be too dominant in the r/s.

[myself]

what is often perceived as empowermemt is often a way of reinforcing the ego defence mechanisms of the false self

Very true. Self deception's tricky. One of these rather temporary reinforcements is switching an old mask for a new one. Trading in one false self for another. It's not so much an armor but more like trying to keep moving fast enough to get away with stuff. What we're learning to do now is be more aware so whichever moves we do or do not make are the best possible. Taking more than just the steps we already took.

[HappyNihilist]

That's the thing is the false self wants to focus on things that empower it.  You have shifted the focus into being happy.  There's nothing wrong with being happy but happiness is just one crayon in the box.

I am not against personal empowerment but what is often perceived as empowermemt is often a way of reinforcing the ego defence mechanisms of the false self.

The part that is empowering is becoming aware of our own projections and understanding when someone else is and seeking forgiveness.  It is a painfull process to actually do it because we confront our own shame and pain which is a valid part of our existance just as much as happiness.

^ All of this.

Happiness is awesome, but like Blimblam said, it's just one part of the wide variety of the human experience. Sweeping our pain, shame, shortcomings, fears, etc. under the rug in favor of feeling happy and "empowered" all the time is not genuinely empowering, and certainly doesn't allow for much enlightenment, growth, or change.

Plus, what would happiness and joy be without pain and sadness? As is so often the case, Harlan Ellison said it best--

I know that pain is the most important thing in the universes. Greater than survival, greater than love, greater even than the beauty it brings about. For without pain, there can be no pleasure. Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Without misery there can be no beauty. And without these, life is endless, hopeless, doomed and damned.

Adult. You have become adult.

My confidence and stability are what allowed her to "let go" and just dissolve because she knew that I would take care of things. And that was my false self, this self that claimed it could handle anything and never crack.

Yes  :'(  I was wrong about that - this r/s took me to the brink of "cracking."

Ditto.

Oh my, I was so full of myself and didn't even realize it. I got my ass handed to me, too.  I often say that my exBPDbf knocked the ego out of me.

I did become more "confident and capable" - for a while.  And I don't mean to cast this in a positive light.  I think her idealization of my false self created a bit of a monster in me - it encouraged me to be too dominant in the r/s. When she rejected my false self - or pushed me off the pedestal - or devalued me - or whatever you want to name it - when she started going outside our r/s (and cheating) is when my confidence and self esteem was rapidly stripped away. 

But the false self doesn't die an easy death - I redoubled my efforts, confident that I could solve this problem the way I solved all my other problems - with persistence, with intelligence, and through sheer force of will.

Mmhmmm. 

My relationship played out similarly, jhkbuzz although a few details of course differ (e.g., my brand of 'caretaking' involves submissive compliance). Like you, when I got pushed off my pedestal, I just pushed harder, refusing to accept defeat - this has to work, it worked before! - until finally, I knew what it was like to be truly and thoroughly beaten, defenseless, and vulnerable.

Ohmigod... .you mean all the "parenting" I did for her "vulnerable child" was what I always wanted for myself?  WOW.  Just, wow, wow, and wow again.

Yes.

As a child, when you were being a Little Parent, didn't your heart and soul just yearn for someone to take care of you? Did you wish someone would love, accept, understand, and validate you for who you were and who you wanted to be?

Did anyone ever fulfill those needs?

The idea that the "false self" is what we created very early on to please our caregiver - that we molded our little selves into what we perceived would "please" them - resonates with me. I feel it somewhere deep down and long ago - and it was this false self that I unconsciously presented to my ex .  How interesting that my strength, my "capable-ness", my independence, my intelligence - were all things that my mother valued in me.

How interesting indeed.  This sounds like something that definitely warrants deeper exploration.

And my false self was reinforced when it appeared to be what she wanted... .I became even stronger, more capable, more of the problem solver in the r/s... .while she regressed further and further.

Exactly. The borderline attaches to that false self you're projecting, and then adapts him-/herself accordingly.

Without a stable sense of self, borderlines are always looking to their environment for cues on "who" to be. (This is why they can seem to have different "personalities" in different relationships.) It's like they keep thinking, "Maybe this self will be The One!" But, as you well know, that can't be sustained. Eventually resentment, disillusionment, and disappointment build up. The borderline realizes that this borrowed 'self' doesn't work any better than all the past borrowed selves. Instead of the idealized "savior," the partner now becomes the dumping ground for all of the borderline's deep-seated resentment, negativity, and "badness."

That dynamic - that imbalance of power - is eventually what destroyed the r/s on both sides.  I began to resent the load I was carrying.  And she began to resent feeling like a child.

I can only turn again to 2010's eloquent words on this subject--

Waifs will attach to those they perceive to be dominant (usually "rescuer". The borderline then cries foul when their submissiveness becomes so extreme and equality in the relationship is so askew that it gives the partner an appearance of taskmaster, and the borderline a reasonable "out" based on their inner persecutorial ideas of reference.

It's completely normal to expect an adult partner to carry their fair share of the load in a relationship. Unless, of course, you're dealing with a pwBPD.  

The thing to look at, then, is why you are drawn to this "one-up, one-down" relationship dynamic - with the assumption/expectation that putting in time, effort, and love will eventually "pull" the other person up to the same level - instead of entering into relationships on equal footing and growing together.