Open Marriage Take Two: Good or Bad?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Before I left on my two week trip, I asked H about being open during that time. He was positive about the idea and we set up some preliminary ground rules and talked about boundaries, tried to cover as many bases as possible. I still had some reservations and so I told him I wasn't sure if I'd partake during my trip but I would tell him in advance if I wanted to do it for sure.

I needed to give myself time to process. Once I got here I checked in with myself and just tried to get a sense of how I was feeling and if I *wanted* to meet anyone knew. I decided that I thought it was a really exciting prospect to meet someone new and just be myself with that person. Feel confident not because I was getting attention but because it just felt good to do something new and say this is me, take it or leave it, I don't care.

So I waited until my cousin had plans with her bf one night and I ended up meeting someone from Tinder. I had a really good time, actually stayed up talking all night like a teenager and only PG-13 intimacy. This morning I had a text saying "I hope you had a nice time" from H. I responded that I did and he immediately jumped on my case for not texting him when I got home. I told him I didn't know I needed to do that. I had told my cousin where I was going, what the guy's name was and he never mentioned he expected this. He made himself sick worrying about me and felt angry that I didn't "use common sense". I tried to tell him this is a new situation, I have no idea what you expect unless you tell me and I'm sorry you were so worried. I never meant to worry you.

He was still upset I didn't understand his anger or agree it was common sense. He jumped directly into asking if I had intercourse with this guy. So I felt really anxious and nervous, particularly since he previously told me he wanted NO DETAILS about my encounter. I answered all his questions but it felt like an interrogation. I told him I felt this way and he told me he wasn't angry and he really wanted to know everything. It just felt really controlling, like if I didn't respond soon enough he would text the same question. How do I verbalize what wasn't ok about that behavior?

On a side note, I did have a great time with my date. I felt really proud of myself for doing it at all and even more proud when I remembered what it was like to be an individual person. I also thought about all the qualities H has that this guy didn't have. (My brain works mostly in comparison mode, which I know isn't the best) However, I thought this was sort of positive because it made me feel good about my decision to be with H. Of course I felt like an idiot this morning when we had the disagreement.

For those who are familiar with open relationships (and hopefully functional ones), can you offer up any advice on the disagreement or how to talk about this without feeling a bit worried that your SO will get hurt when they actually hear what happened with another partner?

 Bloomer

[Bloomer]

Before I left on my two week trip, I asked H about being open during that time. He was positive about the idea and we set up some preliminary ground rules and talked about boundaries, tried to cover as many bases as possible. I still had some reservations and so I told him I wasn't sure if I'd partake during my trip but I would tell him in advance if I wanted to do it for sure.

I needed to give myself time to process. Once I got here I checked in with myself and just tried to get a sense of how I was feeling and if I *wanted* to meet anyone knew. I decided that I thought it was a really exciting prospect to meet someone new and just be myself with that person. Feel confident not because I was getting attention but because it just felt good to do something new and say this is me, take it or leave it, I don't care.

So I waited until my cousin had plans with her bf one night and I ended up meeting someone from Tinder. I had a really good time, actually stayed up talking all night like a teenager and only PG-13 intimacy. This morning I had a text saying "I hope you had a nice time" from H. I responded that I did and he immediately jumped on my case for not texting him when I got home. I told him I didn't know I needed to do that. I had told my cousin where I was going, what the guy's name was and he never mentioned he expected this. He made himself sick worrying about me and felt angry that I didn't "use common sense". I tried to tell him this is a new situation, I have no idea what you expect unless you tell me and I'm sorry you were so worried. I never meant to worry you.

He was still upset I didn't understand his anger or agree it was common sense. He jumped directly into asking if I had intercourse with this guy. So I felt really anxious and nervous, particularly since he previously told me he wanted NO DETAILS about my encounter. I answered all his questions but it felt like an interrogation. I told him I felt this way and he told me he wasn't angry and he really wanted to know everything. It just felt really controlling, like if I didn't respond soon enough he would text the same question. How do I verbalize what wasn't ok about that behavior?

On a side note, I did have a great time with my date. I felt really proud of myself for doing it at all and even more proud when I remembered what it was like to be an individual person. I also thought about all the qualities H has that this guy didn't have. (My brain works mostly in comparison mode, which I know isn't the best) However, I thought this was sort of positive because it made me feel good about my decision to be with H. Of course I felt like an idiot this morning when we had the disagreement.

For those who are familiar with open relationships (and hopefully functional ones), can you offer up any advice on the disagreement or how to talk about this without feeling a bit worried that your SO will get hurt when they actually hear what happened with another partner?

 Bloomer

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[Notwendy]

I'm not familiar with them, but honestly, it takes a lot of self esteem and ability to manage emotions  to be able to withstand the kinds of emotions one would have if ones partner was with someone else. There is a part of all of us that would feel threatened, insecure, and jealous in this situation. I don't know anyone in an open relationship, however, I think that would require open and honest communication, and the ability to manage and discuss any emotions that arise. I think to do this, the couple agrees to it, but this agreement is theoretical. One really has no idea how it actually feels until they experience it.

I don't think pw BPD manage any relationship well, so how could they possibly manage one that could be emotionally challenging and requires that they have the kind of skills that they are weak at? Your H may have agreed in theory, he may have said OK because he thought that was what you wanted, but he could feel entirely different when you actually did it and be dysregulated by it.

I don't have an open relationship, but I know that this would probably be the most traumatic thing to my H and if anything would provoke him to uncontrolled rage, this would be it. He can barely deal with me doing anything that he isn't there- groups, interests, where there may be potential men who might find me interesting. He has gotten triggered by seeing a picture of a crush in a school yearbook years before we met. Just his imagination alone can trigger him into an awful rage. I can not imagine what reality would do.

IMHO, this isn't easy for many people who do not have a disorder. I think it would be near impossible for someone with BPD.

[vortex of confusion]

When I was seeking advice from friends about this topic, I was told that it is normal for partners to get jealous from time to time. I was told that it is normal to have to rework things as you go along. A lot of times, issues arise that you don't even realize are issues. The main thing is that you continue to communicate, communicate, communicate. With a normal person, I think it is very possible and very doable. With somebody that has BPD traits, I am not so sure. Right now, my husband and I are in a place where we have agreed that there will be no new stuff. We can let whatever we have play out but NOTHING new. Before anything like that happens, we have to have things together at home.

How long before you went on the trip did you and your husband discuss the open stuff? One of the biggest mistakes that my husband and I made was jumping into too soon. I think both of us needed time to really think about and process things BEFORE we actually did anything.

The other thing about the open stuff is that it really highlighted all of the areas of weakness in the relationship between me and my husband.

[Bloomer]

We talked about it a month out from my trip and even up until the day I was looking for a date I checked in and made sure he felt comfortable, etc. He is saying it doesn't matter who I was with/where I was but that he always expects me to check in if I go out on my own and I'm not in the same location as him. There have been plenty of time, especially on his longer trips, where I did my own thing and never checked in, so this is inconsistent and pointed that out and then he called me thoughtless. He wants me to apologize for being thoughtless. I apologized for misunderstanding and that he was so worried. I validated that he was worried and and upset. I empathized with him and said it was reasonable to ask me to check in when I go on a date and that I'd do it from now on. But he will NOT drop the thoughtless thing. I told him I'm not going to call myself names to apologize and I love him and I meant all the things I said but I can't keep going around in circles. He sent another message about me being thoughtless and not owning my behavior and I stopped responding. What the actual... .I am really fuming right now.

He actually seems fine about everything I did on my date. When he threatened not to speak to me until the end of my trip (after I said I needed space) he told me he didn't care if I went on more dates. I want to believe that he really is ok since he isn't latching on to anything about the actual date that I had and only the not texting him when I get home but I can't help but feel like he's ruining this experience. I am seeing him display behaviors he's worked really hard to try to fix and I did say that in the nicest way possible to him but I know if he's dysregulating that won't matter. My fear is that he will not give up his view point and I am not going to call myself thoughtless and this is going to tear down any positive momentum we've built.

[vortex of confusion]

First, have you ever been on a date before with another guy while married to your husband? If not, then you can't really compare it to going out on a date with a female friend that is a known commodity. Had you met this other guy before? How did you meet him? Where did you meet him? I can see why your husband would be upset. You are in another town going out with some guy that you met online through Tinder. For all he knew, this other guy could have been a murderer or a rapist or who knows what else. When you didn't text him, it could have triggered some big fears in him that had nothing to do with the date but everything to do with your personal safety. If you are going out with a known commodity, you haven't called/texted to let him know you were home because there wasn't that added element of worry. There is big difference between doing your own thing and sight seeing, hanging with friends, etc. and going out on a date with another guy in the context of an open marriage.

[Bloomer]

Just realized that something got messed up. I tried to post earlier and it said the page timed out and then I added to my post but I've just noticed that this is my original post (that I thought didn't exist) and I have another one, with the additional details that I've pasted below... .Sorry for being confusing.

We talked on the phone and he asked if *I* was calm before he jumped down my throat about how thoughtless I was in not texting him. How I know what happens to women in this country and he would expect me to message no matter who I went out with. I explained that I have gone many places without having to message him when I got home and he never got upset. He conveniently forgot. He then got off the phone with me because I was being unreasonable and texted me that "This is a pattern for me. Causing him intense emotional discomfort and not taking responsibility... .I'm so nasty to him"

I responded trying to use more logic, which I know is just futile. Then he called me an idiot... .I said I wanted to take space, he said he didn't want to speak to me the rest of my trip (get in Saturday) and that he needed to think about some things. Then he continued to message me and I totally dropped the ball and kept defending myself.


Perhaps someone can delete the related post or this one and combine the comments to help avoid confusion? Please and thank you.

[Bloomer]

First, have you ever been on a date before with another guy while married to your husband? If not, then you can't really compare it to going out on a date with a female friend that is a known commodity. Had you met this other guy before? How did you meet him? Where did you meet him? I can see why your husband would be upset. You are in another town going out with some guy that you met online through Tinder. For all he knew, this other guy could have been a murderer or a rapist or who knows what else. When you didn't text him, it could have triggered some big fears in him that had nothing to do with the date but everything to do with your personal safety. If you are going out with a known commodity, you haven't called/texted to let him know you were home because there wasn't that added element of worry. There is big difference between doing your own thing and sight seeing, hanging with friends, etc. and going out on a date with another guy in the context of an open marriage.

I have not been out with anyone before on my own since being married and yes this guy was new. We met on Tinder. Then we met at a bar and I told my cousin, who I'm staying with, where I'd be, etc. I can see why he is upset and I validated that. You're completely right about it being about my safety. I get that even if I didn't think about it because I've never dated anyone while married and I just don't think about every possible thing H might feel.

I still don't want to call myself thoughtless. I just feel like that's not ok. I admit I made a mistake and caused H to worry a lot and that's reasonable for him to have felt. But how much is too much validation or apologizing? I don't want to get back into a routine of begging for forgiveness for every mistake I make. It's not healthy and it causes some deep wounds for me.

[vortex of confusion]

I have not been out with anyone before on my own since being married and yes this guy was new. We met on Tinder. Then we met at a bar and I told my cousin, who I'm staying with, where I'd be, etc. I can see why he is upset and I validated that. You're completely right about it being about my safety. I get that even if I didn't think about it because I've never dated anyone while married and I just don't think about every possible thing H might feel.

Those are the types of things that tend to come up that you have to address as you go along.

I still don't want to call myself thoughtless. I just feel like that's not ok. I admit I made a mistake and caused H to worry a lot and that's reasonable for him to have felt. But how much is too much validation or apologizing? I don't want to get back into a routine of begging for forgiveness for every mistake I make. It's not healthy and it causes some deep wounds for me.

I think this is an issue that is completely separate from whether or not an open relationship is good or bad. This is an issue that can potentially complicate an open relationship.

I think there is a big difference between, "I didn't think about that." and "I am thoughtless." Being thoughtless implies that you thought about it but didn't care. "I didn't think about that" is more accurate because you didn't know that you needed to think about it. Which thought is your husband trying to convey? If he is being condescending and mean, then there is no way in heck you should agree with that or validate it because it borders on being abusive.

The open relationship stuff opens one up to making lots of mistakes because it is such uncharted territory. You might get better feedback if you started a thread that focuses on how much is too much validation and apologizing.