Is being dumped and completely cut off a hallmark of BPD?

[Jack2727]

Hi.

I think the hardest thing for me is trying to comprehend how my ex could just drop me. Is that commonplace with BPDs? Are they able to drop someone and go straight into NC? And do BPDs usually make sure they have a replacement lined up before doing so?

I don't have any proof but my gut tells me my ex had someone lined up. She was supposed to spend the Christmas holidays with me and my family. She came here and left the next day. With the exception of one phone call and a few text messages it have been final.

Just wondering if this behavior is commonplace.

Thanks guys and gals!

[Tim300]

Hi.

I think the hardest thing for me is trying to comprehend how my ex could just drop me. Is that commonplace with BPDs? Are they able to drop someone and go straight into NC? And do BPDs usually make sure they have a replacement lined up before doing so?

I don't have any proof but my gut tells me my ex had someone lined up. She was supposed to spend the Christmas holidays with me and my family. She came here and left the next day. With the exception of one phone call and a few text messages it have been final.

Just wondering if this behavior is commonplace.

Thanks guys and gals!

I am sorry that you are going through this.

It seems like a typical story here.  Personally, I don't think it can be said with certainty that they always have a serious, romantic replacement lined up.  They can certainly go into complete NC pretty abruptly.  In my experience, even upon the "final" breakup, the pwBPD will still attempt to maintain some passive connection to you via social media or other means (although I have read stories on here where that was not the case).  I think it's likely for the pwBPD to go 100% NC for a couple weeks, months, or even years, but then maybe have contact with you.   

In my experience, it seemed like my BPDex-fiancee would oftentimes pull away when things were going especially good or when there was some point of sustained or intense emotional intimacy -- so the timing of her running after one day with your family does not surprise me. 

[Frankcostello]

While we can't say for sure if your ex had a replacement lined up.  I know my exBPDgf had a replacement lined up before she left.  When they totally drop off the face of the earth that is usually but not always a sign that there is a replacement.  It can mean that the replacement is currently meeting their "needs".  If I were you I would also drop off the face of the earth from her, no texts, no emails, no phone calls.  She knows how to reach you if she needs you but usually when they reach out to you enough time has passed that you are at a different place. Take it as a gift that she would disappear off the face of the earth without any contact.  Normal people do not just fall off the face of the earth.  They do it because it's easier for them to deal with it, it's all about them, not you.  If she ever contacts you always remember how she treated you by disappearing from your life.

Whether there is a replacement or not the best thing to do for yourself is to focus on taking care of yourself.  In time you may or may not know the full truth about why she disappeared.  But in the meantime focus on yourself and taking care of yourself.

[Jack2727]

Thanks guys,

I've been real strong about not contacting her. There have been points in the last few weeks where I wanted to lash out. I also thought about writing and email to her and cc'ing her parents, just voicing my displeasure about the way I was treated.

But everytime I think about doing that I stop myself because I realize... .Will it really make a difference? It won't! I know that she probably facebook stalks me. We are not friends but it has been her pattern to look up people on facebook, regardless if she was friends or not with them.

I know she will contact me again someday. I also know I am not going to forget what she has done to me. I will be able to forgive her illness.

I think it's comforting to know that it was not me, and it was her and her illness. I know ultimately I will be better off. You guys know this... .When I am ready to date again, the process, is just so exhausting. Perhaps with all the time I plan on serving myself and dealing with my own co-dependancy issues I will attract someone who is healthy.

That is the one thing I am afraid of. I seem to be attracted to those types. I don't ever want to go through this again.

[JRT]

Sorry that you are going through this. As Tim had mentioned, they tend to pull away at a point of time that have come closest to you (and ironically, their ultimate goal). My exfiance had just moved into my home. We had cleared some hurdles in terms of some huge projects and were beginning to plan our wedding, vacations, parties at the house etc... .The great future that we always both wanted was finally here. We otherwise had a good relationship, never arguing or disagreeing to speak of.

I went out of town and received the normal texts in the morning and then one in the afternoon that said, "our relationship is over, I have moved out, DON'T try to contact me". She then blocked me in every possible way of contacting her (including facebook where she unfreinded mutual friends and, somehow, compelled her friends to do the same which they did. This after only a week prior they were all singing high praises of me and thankful that she had finally met 'someone good'. We were together for over 2 years.

It has been 4 months since I have spoke to her. I attempted to circumvent the blocks a couple of times and that was met with a call from the cops and an attorney threatening to file a PPO for stalking and harassment against me (this felt like someone stuck a sword through my heart). I am now 100% no contact whit her (as if I have a choice).

mine tends to not replace for some odd reason. In between all of her relationships, she never went after anyone else. Even during our recycles she did not and told me that she never would (and I believe her). Even though I have not spoken with her, I am pretty sure that she is not with anyone else (though I could be wrong). As for FB, I KNOW that she was stalking me as I kept my profile public and caught her in a ruse that I came up with... .log story.

As Tim had mentioned, they usually come back because the disorder does not allow them to detach. It could take weeks, months or years but they usually do. The question is: do we really want tot talk to them... .

[JRT]

PS If you WANT her to contact you; the best advice is to go 100% NC and that includes looking at her FB, talking to mutual friends, etc.

[clydegriffith]

Yes. In my opinion it's one of the main signs of BPD.

The BPD woman i was involved with pretty much avoids all communication with me even though we have a child together. I have to coordinate everything regarding my child through her mother because quite frankly i don't want to deal with her either. She also has kids from the guy i replaced (the guy has custody of those kids) and it's the same story there. She doesn't communicate at all with the other guy and everything is done through the grandparents. She just had ANOTHER baby and if i were a gambling man i would wager large sums of money that she'll be in the same predicament with the latest bundle of joy within a  year or two.

[Jack2727]

JRT

Thats unbelievable!

I thought being dumped after losing my job and three days before Christmas was awful. I think it is safe to say that we are all veterans of this awful plague.

I'm really surprised that there isn't more mainstream attention with this disorder.

It's like, how can you do that?

Its funny, my ex was engaged to some guy in NC and she moved there and wound up moving out. I wonder if it was a similar situation? She always painted him black... .

[Maternus]

My uBPDex left me three weeks after we moved in together. For one and a half we were searching for the perfect house for us and her children, the time before she breakup with me was filled with making plans, renovating the house, buying new furniture... .I was unpacking some removal crates in the living room, went into the kitchen to ask her if she is ok and she said "No, nothing is ok, I met somebody else. I love him, he is the love of my life."

[Tim300]

PS If you WANT her to contact you; the best advice is to go 100% NC

I've seen this written more than a few times on this board.  Thinking of my own experience, I would not say that this is always the case.  PwBPD are on such emotional rollercoasters, it's difficult to tell what strategy might work when.  Sometimes a pwBPD might want to communicate with you but for one of various reasons won't want to be the one initiating (e.g., doesn't want to hurt you, is afraid that you have lost interest or that she's not good enough for you, etc.).  So, I would say, sometimes not reaching out is the best way to establish communication with her; but sometimes reaching out is the best way.  If someone is nonresponsive after a series of attempts from you, I would just give it a break and maybe send an email for a birthday or holiday at a much later date.  This is assuming that you want to have some form of contact with the person -- if you read enough about BPD and have some time out of the FOG you might not want to.

[Tim300]

Its funny, my ex was engaged to some guy in NC and she moved there and wound up moving out. I wonder if it was a similar situation? She always painted him black... .

Tough to say.  Because she has BPD I would say 95% yes, the BPD killed the relationship, the guy was probably a perfectly fine guy.  Also, I don't know too many guys who are eager to haphazardly propose if they don't intend on following through. 

[clydegriffith]

Its funny, my ex was engaged to some guy in NC and she moved there and wound up moving out. I wonder if it was a similar situation? She always painted him black... .

Tough to say.  Because she has BPD I would say 95% yes, the BPD killed the relationship, the guy was probably a perfectly fine guy.  Also, I don't know too many guys who are eager to haphazardly propose if they don't intend on following through. 

I still can't believe there's so many guys out there that are so quick to propose to anyone, BPD or not. The BPD's 3rd replacement after me (6 months post b/u) proposed to her within a couple of months. She was caught cheating a few months later and ended up pregnant and engaged to someone else immediatley after. And she walks around like this is all normal.

It's so embarassing to have any sort of affiliation with that train wreck.

[Tim300]

My uBPDex left me three weeks after we moved in together. For one and a half we were searching for the perfect house for us and her children, the time before she breakup with me was filled with making plans, renovating the house, buying new furniture... .I was unpacking some removal crates in the living room, went into the kitchen to ask her if she is ok and she said "No, nothing is ok, I met somebody else. I love him, he is the love of my life."

Wow.  I had a very similar experience (although with slightly different nasty quotes).  We lasted about 5 weeks of living together before things started getting rocky.  After 10 weeks together it was over.  We had been together for 2.5 years and known each other for more than 10 years.  Just before this final breakup we had been planning where our unborn children would go to school, where we would take family holiday photos, etc.

[Tim300]

Its funny, my ex was engaged to some guy in NC and she moved there and wound up moving out. I wonder if it was a similar situation? She always painted him black... .

Tough to say.  Because she has BPD I would say 95% yes, the BPD killed the relationship, the guy was probably a perfectly fine guy.  Also, I don't know too many guys who are eager to haphazardly propose if they don't intend on following through. 

I still can't believe there's so many guys out there that are so quick to propose to anyone, BPD or not. The BPD's 3rd replacement after me (6 months post b/u) proposed to her within a couple of months. She was caught cheating a few months later and ended up pregnant and engaged to someone else immediatley after. And she walks around like this is all normal.

It's so embarassing to have any sort of affiliation with that train wreck.

I held out on proposing to my pwBPD for 1.5 years even though I had already known her for 10 years.  If I propose to another girl, I'm going to try to hold out until 2 years have passed.  If it was 2 months, I suspect she really came out begging for a ring (which I'm sure she'll deny later).   

[Dutched]

I am afraid as others say (and it is all over this Board) it is very common behaviour for pwBPD.

Just like to ad some more.

DPB is not only a spectrum disorder, but pwBPD are, like us, humans with their flaws, ups and downs.

= some drop people unexpectedly and cut them total off. Never to come back. Not only partners, also parents, relatives and friends too.

= some drop people unexpectedly and cut them total off, do come back even after a 25 yrs.

= some test only the water after a period, mostly out of need.

= some try to recycle after a period, mostly out of need.

I posted this before, written by a pwBPD, the Switch:  feelings on  -  feelings off

“we” sincerely love you and “hate” you as you are then perceived not to be trustworthy.

“we” however love you still… and have a deeply hope you reach out, “we” can’t .

The more you reach out, the more “we” feel you care, the more “we” get frightened.

But hate is care, it is not indifference.

In order to avoid all that pain, “we” m u s t cut you out, as the pain of losing the one “we” love the most hurts so much more. Remains 1 option, switch emotions of and move on…

How common it seems, pwBPD do not always have a replacement lined up, do not always cheat on their partners.

I agree it occurs really more often, which can be explained by DSM criteria in mind.

In the back of my mind I think about those suffering from a Midlife Crisis. How often do they suddenly abandon their partner/kids (leaving them devastated behind) as they suddenly met their “real love”? 

These people do not suffer from BPD, though show the same devastating behaviour.

As mentioned in this topic, the grand final in which pwBPD dumps other, seems to be at the moment we were the closest they have.

However, keep in mind the devaluation started long time ago, before you noticed it.

It could have been their interpretation (feelings = facts) of our action/response (which for us absolutely not significant) which triggered a fear of us not being trustworthy, not being the one who showed enough love, etc.

[Tim300]

I'm really surprised that there isn't more mainstream attention with this disorder.

YES! Yes! Yes!  

I agree.  It is amazing.  This illness is so devastating.  People must be informed about this.  It's such a crazy disorder that when I try to explain it to people they just don't get it -- most will think that you are just a jilted lover or that you are a fool because they would have been able to spot mental illness right away (which we here know is not the case).  At least the Internet is providing knowledge about BPD to people like us -- even though this seems to be after most of us have been gravely affected.  It is truly a shame that there's not real public awareness about this at all.

[Frankcostello]

Thanks guys,

I've been real strong about not contacting her. There have been points in the last few weeks where I wanted to lash out. I also thought about writing and email to her and cc'ing her parents, just voicing my displeasure about the way I was treated.

But everytime I think about doing that I stop myself because I realize... .Will it really make a difference? It won't! I know that she probably facebook stalks me. We are not friends but it has been her pattern to look up people on facebook, regardless if she was friends or not with them.

I know she will contact me again someday. I also know I am not going to forget what she has done to me. I will be able to forgive her illness.

I think it's comforting to know that it was not me, and it was her and her illness. I know ultimately I will be better off. You guys know this... .When I am ready to date again, the process, is just so exhausting. Perhaps with all the time I plan on serving myself and dealing with my own co-dependancy issues I will attract someone who is healthy.

That is the one thing I am afraid of. I seem to be attracted to those types. I don't ever want to go through this again.

We feel you on this.  It took me about a year to get over how I was treated by my exBPDgf.  I didn't really date anyone during that year because like you I felt it was exhausting.  But once you get into a normal relationship you will see it is not exhausting at all.  It's been over 2 1/2 years since I last saw or heard from my exBPDgf, I wish her well, but I would not want to be associated with her in any way now or in the future.  Not after the way she treated me and discarded me.  I'm in a normal relationship now about to get married to a normal woman.  

The sad part has been that there are instances in my current relationship where I was expecting my current fiancé to act a certain way (because of my experiences with my exBPDgf), however when you are in a normal relationship like I am with my fiancé the way you handle situations is different than with a person who has BPD.  The takeaway is even when you start a new normal relationship there will be a little bit of memory because of what you experienced in your BPD relationship.  Over time the memory affects you less and less.

[JRT]

JRT

Thats unbelievable!

I thought being dumped after losing my job and three days before Christmas was awful. I think it is safe to say that we are all veterans of this awful plague.

I'm really surprised that there isn't more mainstream attention with this disorder.

It's like, how can you do that?

Its funny, my ex was engaged to some guy in NC and she moved there and wound up moving out. I wonder if it was a similar situation? She always painted him black... .

Where there is smoke, there is fire. My ex's ex's had all victimized her, of course.

[JRT]

However, keep in mind the devaluation started long time ago, before you noticed it. [/quote]
I am sure that there is an exception to every story but I ask this: how could that be in my case: a week before, we went to get rings made, 2 weeks before that, she moved in. If she was devaluing me, wouldn't there be movement in the opposite direction?

[Jack2727]

I can pretty much tell that that her trigger was one or two things.

a) I reached out to her mother in early Nov to find out what her deal is and she expressed to me that this happened before. She said that she experienced the same issues with her dad she had divorced. She wound up taking a lesbian lover after that. She found out that I talked to her mom privately and she was pissed. She still has issues with her mom.

b) I got sick of her not publicizing our relationship on facebook so I tagged her in a pic from a run I did with her on Thanksgiving weekend. Funny enough, she never let it post on her profile. Mind, I was her boyfriend. I followed that up by adding her family on FB. I think that added to it as well.

[hurting300]

Yes it is common. I came home work and she had moved out and changed her number. She never said one word to me. She also stalked me, now why would a normal woman dump you with no warning, not tell you then go no contact? A sociopath or BPD that's who. I'm so sorry for your situation. I feel your pain my friend. I do.

[Restored2]

Tim300:

Your below quote:

"PwBPD are on such emotional rollercoasters, it's difficult to tell what strategy might work when.  Sometimes a pwBPD might want to communicate with you but for one of various reasons won't want to be the one initiating (e.g., doesn't want to hurt you, is afraid that you have lost interest or that she's not good enough for you, etc.).  So, I would say, sometimes not reaching out is the best way to establish communication with her; but sometimes reaching out is the best way.  If someone is nonresponsive after a series of attempts from you, I would just give it a break and maybe send an email for a birthday or holiday at a much later date."

I agree with your position here.  NC is such a passive aggressive game that should be left back in junior high.

[JRT]

Tim300:

Your below quote:

"PwBPD are on such emotional rollercoasters, it's difficult to tell what strategy might work when.  Sometimes a pwBPD might want to communicate with you but for one of various reasons won't want to be the one initiating (e.g., doesn't want to hurt you, is afraid that you have lost interest or that she's not good enough for you, etc.).  So, I would say, sometimes not reaching out is the best way to establish communication with her; but sometimes reaching out is the best way.  If someone is nonresponsive after a series of attempts from you, I would just give it a break and maybe send an email for a birthday or holiday at a much later date."

I agree with your position here.  NC is such a passive aggressive game that should be left back in junior high.

You're dammed if you do and you are dammed if you don't... .mine unblocked me on her phone on xmas eve when I checked it... .i then called her and she immediately hung up... .then the police called me! Ya just can't win... .

[JRT]

Yes it is common. I came home work and she had moved out and changed her number. She never said one word to me. She also stalked me, now why would a normal woman dump you with no warning, not tell you then go no contact? A sociopath or BPD that's who. I'm so sorry for your situation. I feel your pain my friend. I do.

Did yours ever contact you?

[drummerboy]

That's exactly what happened to me, within about 2 weeks she went from full on 24/7 contact to gone and total NC although I now realise that she was mentally leaving the relationship well before this. From my experience and what I've read on here it is totally common for them to do this. She came into my life like a hurricane and and left it just as quickly.

Hi.

I think the hardest thing for me is trying to comprehend how my ex could just drop me. Is that commonplace with BPDs? Are they able to drop someone and go straight into NC? And do BPDs usually make sure they have a replacement lined up before doing so?

I don't have any proof but my gut tells me my ex had someone lined up. She was supposed to spend the Christmas holidays with me and my family. She came here and left the next day. With the exception of one phone call and a few text messages it have been final.

Just wondering if this behavior is commonplace.

Thanks guys and gals!

[JRT]

If there is any good news to this, as I understand it, the tighter and more completely that you are cut off and blocked, is a reflection of how important that you were and how much that they care about you since this is proportional to their shame/pain. So the bad news is that she b/u, took off and blocked you but they REALLY, REALLY loved you more than anything! <sigh>

[drummerboy]

I think there is a lot of truth in this. A mutual friend, that wasn't aware that we were mutual friends, (I know that sounds weird) told me that my ex was devastated and went into serious depression for 6 months after she dumped me.

If there is any good news to this, as I understand it, the tighter and more completely that you are cut off and blocked, is a reflection of how important that you were and how much that they care about you since this is proportional to their shame/pain. So the bad news is that she b/u, took off and blocked you but they REALLY, REALLY loved you more than anything! <sigh>

[JRT]

I just find these paradoxes to be incredible, mind blowing! I have reason to believe that mine has as well. While not only has she not attempted to contact me, a contact I made on xmas eve resulted in her calling the cops on me! Meanwhile, I caught her stalking my fb page red handed!

[Dutched]

However, keep in mind the devaluation started long time ago, before you noticed it.

I am sure that there is an exception to every story but I ask this: how could that be in my case: a week before, we went to get rings made, 2 weeks before that, she moved in. If she was devaluing me, wouldn't there be movement in the opposite direction? [/quote]
As you were still more than worth it. 

Lets compare it with the hard disk of a computer. One bad spot/sector doesn’t mean that much. A second one neither. It’s even not noticed, then suddenly its cumulating and it effects data. Effort is made to repair/bypass  (that’s when we come into the picture) until it get’s tricky and suddenly it crashes.

At a certain point a pwBPD will remember the previous triggers and the coping mechanism sets in. 

[JRT]

all the way to the day of? I mean there was ZERO sign of anything. Here were the only unusual thing... .she was surfing something on her tablet that she didn't want me to see a couple of nights before, I just called it up to one of those things bust suspect that it might have been something to do with a replacement OR she was surfing a moving company or such... .all else was completely normal