Where do I begin? I am terrified. I am haunted. I have profound anxiety. Help.

[PhoenixHurting]

Hello there everybody,

I am brand new, very scared, and very determined to heal (though I am truly struggling with my recovery process).

I am the adult daughter and only child of a well-known public figure who is undiagnosed BPD and diagnosed rapid cycling bi-polar.  Holy god--I can feel my chest and throat tightening up even as I write this.  I was taught to spend my entire life in secrecy, my mother's unfathomably abusive behaviors and psychotic episodes were to be absorbed, swallowed, housed, and sunk by all those on the "inside".  My entire existence became equated to protecting the public image of this shrieking, manipulative, emotionally incestuous, sexually inappropriate, cruel and unusually punishing monster... .all the while denying any ounce of my own truth and experience.  Jesus there is so much to write.  There is just so much to write. 

My heart won't stop pounding even now, even after close to ten years of therapy it feels impossible to rid myself of her venomous clasp that raped me of all peace, trust, joy, confidence, and fulfillment.  My situation is gut-wrenchingly specific in that even though I made (what I truly believe to be) a healthy, informed, supported, mindful decision to break clean from my relationship with my mother---I still have to suffer through the tortured agony of seeing her face or hearing her voice (it's always the voice that makes me want to throw-up, faint, and die all in one fell swoop) on the television screen.  Or in a magazine.  Or someone makes a casual pop cultural reference that shouldn't mean anything to anybody but happens to directly infer a character my mother played and then suddenly I just want to cease existing all together versus living a future that entails bracing myself for yet another swipe of a stranger's unintentional emotional machete.

And to make matters worse---people love her.  She has millions of fans who have no concept the truth that lies beneath surface.  I am so sick of this pain.  I am so utterly exhausted from trying to separate my psyche from this torture and from the unbeknownst-oblivion/blind-adoration of my mother's following.  You can all, I'm sure, imagine the shock/terror/strange sense of comfort I felt when I came across the film "Mommy, Dearest" (the infamous true-story of uBPD actress Joan Crawford, as told by her adopted daughter Christina).  But my life is not a movie.  My mother is not playing Joan Crawford.  My life is real.  I am real.  I am a real person with real feelings and real circumstances that cannot be summed up with credits and a bowl of popcorn.

Even now, I am scared to talk too much about my mother because I am scared someone on this site is going to ask me "well who is she? who's your mom?"----that dreaded, soul-sucking question that stirs so many feelings of worthlessness and invisibility inside of me.  I no longer care about protecting her image, her untruth, her unhealth.  I care about existing.  I care about being important to me.  I care about not wanting to be in the shadow of someone else's fame.  A fame that cost me so, so much. 

When, WHEN will I ever be ME and not just my mother's daughter? When will this strangling anxiety go away?  Will I feel helplessly guilty if/when she ultimately does succeed at killing herself (she has "attempted" close to six times---all for which I was the primary caretaker, even when I was just a teenager). When will I be capable of a normal sleep cycle?  When will I stop being terrified that I'm going to lose everything and everyone that makes me happy in the blink of an eye?  I feel the chains upon me in such a real and visceral way.  How can I have processed so much with still so much left UNprocessed?  Will I ever be normal?  Will I ever be happy?  Will I ever stop feeling haunted by all the memories that seem to choke me into self-sabotaging paralysis every fifteen minutes?

I cannot begin to properly express my gratitude for this site and for the safe and loving community you have all created here.  I only wish it was here when I was a child.   I wish I could tell that little girl that she was right.  I wish I could tell her to run.  Far away.  I wish I could tell her she did nothing wrong, and that she is worthy of love and attention.  My heart breaks for that terrified, lonely, shaking little girl inside of me.  My heart and head feel truly broken.  Any words of encouragement and empathy would be ever-so-much appreciated.

Thank you.

[enlighten me]

Hi phoenix welcome

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. The pwBPD in my life have been my exs and as we have children I still have to deal with them. For anyone with a parent with BPD it must be so much harder. And if like you they are in the public eye it must feel like theres no escaping it. I cannot even comprehend how you have managed to cope with this.

Thus weighs on my mind as my children live with their BPD moms so I worry how their moms behaviour will affect them. That said at least I know what im dealing with so can try to limit the damage as best as possible.

I hope this site continues to help you and that members will respect your privacy.

EM

[downwhim]

Phoenix,

I truly am so sorry for all you are going through. I cannot imagine what it must be like to not only have a BPD for a mother but to have her in the public light and live a lie. I always thought Joan Crawford's daughter did herself justice by exposing her mother. I think it set her free. The mask people wear and the damage they can do is truly amazing.

I am so happy you found this site too. It will be very healing to get input from others and read through the discussions. My heart goes out to you.

[Kwamina]

Hi PhoenixHurting

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to our online community  A first post can be scary enough as it is and I can imagine being the daughter of a well-known public figure might make it a whole lot scarier. I am very glad you decided to make this first post though. I think this will help you break free from the sense of isolation you probably have been feeling for very long. Many of our members know what it's like to have a disordered and abusive parent and will be able to relate to you.

Your case is definitely unique in the sense that your mother is a public figure. I do believe that our members will be able to relate to your experiences of living a false life hidden by the persona presented by your mother. Many children of BPD parents struggle with the fact that their parents often put on different 'masks' when others are around which enables them to hide their abusive nature from outsiders.

Is this the first time that you've revealed your story to anyone? You do mention being in therapy for close to ten years. What kind of therapy did you get? Did you discuss how your mother has treated you with your therapist(s)?

I cannot begin to properly express my gratitude for this site and for the safe and loving community you have all created here.  I only wish it was here when I was a child.   I wish I could tell that little girl that she was right.  I wish I could tell her to run.  Far away.  I wish I could tell her she did nothing wrong, and that she is worthy of love and attention.  My heart breaks for that terrified, lonely, shaking little girl inside of me.  My heart and head feel truly broken.  Any words of encouragement and empathy would be ever-so-much appreciated.

I am glad that you've found this site and community to be so positive. We unfortunately can't go back in time to change our past. What we can do as adults is try to work through our experiences and try to reach inside ourselves to the child we once were. To help you do this I suggest you take a look at the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered Childhood Abuse. You can find it to the right of this message board. The Guide consists of 21 steps that take you through three major stages:

1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing

When you look at the Survivors' Guide, at what step would you say you are at the moment?

[Maternus]

And to make matters worse---people love her.

Hello Phoenix Hurting,

I know how that feels. My father is not BPD, he is more NPD/ASPD and he is not an actor, but a kind of local hero, the guy everybody knows and everybody thinks he's fantastic. Many people in our town only see me as "the son of ... .", the less grandiose version of this superman. Since I was raised not to see me as I am but to define myself by how others see me, I believed those lies. My first step to heal was to get rid of those lies. He's not a good guy, he's a monster, an abusive predator. Everyone who thinks he's that great guy doesn't really know him: But I know him, I know the truth. His grandiosity is just a façade. I think it's the same with your mother. People don't love her, they love her façade.

You are not alone.

[Turkish]

Hello PhoexixHurting, I'm glad that you found us!

If you're comparing your story to that of Christina Crawford, then that says a lot without giving details  :'(

I never saw Mommy Dearest, but read some of her experiences in Understanding The Borderline Mother. I found it a brutal book to read, but it helped me understand my Hermit-Waif mother (and sometimes Witch... .until I moved out on my 18th birthday, and I erected boundaries of contact and distance).

Book review here: Understanding the Borderline Mother

Discussion here:  BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

If you've learned about such concepts as emotional incest (banner article at the top of the board, if you haven't already seen it), then you're on your way to understanding how badly you were abused. I also see signs of this with my Ex and our young children. No one should be made to be responsible for their parent's emotions (or anyone's!), and it's especially damaging to a child.

I'm sorry for what you went through growing up, and are still trying to process. I hope you find us a safe place to talk for support and healing, and I look forward to hearing more, Phoenix.



Take Care,

Turkish

[momtara]

Hi.  I'm so sorry you had to go through this, and that there are so many triggers out there because of your mother's fame.

Trust me when I say that many of us know that things are not always what they seem with celebrity.  I never assume anyone's life is perfect.

I am guessing many people will be curious who it is, so maybe in future posts you can just say she's a public figure or entertainment figure and leave it at that.  I don't want someone to forward a post to a gossip website or anything.  Don't worry; no one can know from your post who it is, but I am just looking out for you.

I am glad you came here.  This illness is so cruel and we end up being a caretaker for someone who blames and abuses us.  It's even worse when you were a kid and dealing with this.  I hope you have had a fleet of doctors to reinforce that you are a good person and doing your best.  It is also never too late in life to find love and free ourselves from the negative self image this abuse creates.

My mother is mentally ill too.  I ended up with a BPD husband.  My mother seems more bipolar.  Mostly I deal with my ex husband's issues on this site, but the mom stuff was not easy either.

So here's a ((hug)) and I'm glad you found us here.  I found this site comforting.  Hope you get some comfort too. 

(I also liked Mommie Dearest, campy as it was!)

By the way, you're an excellent writer.

[SlyQQ]

Sleep is very important if you are to adress any problem it is one of the key areas certain BPD types use to wear you down / control you Placing some boundaries where you get proper sleep ( redirect distress calls etc to another party or somehow make youself unavailable ( i know this may sound ten times easier than it is ) is almost imperative before you can move forward ( perhaps your practioner can say you are exhausted and need rest or something ) good luck

[Linda Maria]

Hi Phoenix Hurting - so sorry to hear about the pain you have gone through, and are still going through. Your post was so eloquent, and so moving.  I can only echo others messages of support and warmth - this site has been such a lifesaver for me, the people here are so kind and make you feel so safe, when you read their posts, and see that so many people have been through the same things, you are certainly not alone in this, but also, the amount of wisdom and really constructive help you get here is phenomenal.  Although your mother is a public figure, everyone here keeps their identity, and the identity of their person with BPD anonymous, and I think will fully understand and respect your particular need to protect anonymity, although I think in your position, it possibly feels even more compelling to tell the world the truth, because the deceit of how things really are versus the mask that is put on for everyone is on such a massive scale. I am largely No Contact with my BPD, and cannot imagine how it would be to constantly be reminded of her through media.  I feel that this must be a huge burden to carry, over and above the more day to day business of coping with a BPD that the rest of us have, and I hope the community here can help you start to deal with this, and find some peace.  I wish you well.  

[Notwendy]

Phoenix,

My mother has BPD and my experience is not so different from yours. Not that my parents are famous, like yours, but that keeping the family secret, and maintaining that mother is normal was the primary concern in my family. So, like you, we lived a lie all the time. This is very disturbing to a child's reality. There is also the fear of revealing a family secret, so like you, when I speak my truth, I feel very anxious and uncomfortable. There are many people who belive my mother is amazing, and if I speak otherwise, they assume I am crazy. I have to keep these people at a distance for my own sanity.

My father is deceased but he was most invested in protecting my mother. He was not famous like your parent, but he was respected by his colleagues at work. After he died, some colleagues asked questions about some aspects of his professional work that were impacted by his having to take time away to deal with her. They don't know why, and he didn't want them to know. I found myself having to lie about that in order to protect his wishes. I have to separate my father as a professional from  his personal life. This is something everyone does to some extent. Nobody wants all of their personal business brought into their professional life. I am not lying when I honor my dad's respect in his job.

It isn't unusual for celebrities to have different professional images and personal ones. Most of them do. All those good looking stars don't look the same without makeup and stylists. No romantic actor is always like that in real life. Celebrities are good at splitting their lives into public and private. People with PD's often have a "false self". You are not being dishonest by not revealing that your mother's public self isn't real. Most people know that about celebrities anyway. You can go along with this in the public sense, since this is her livelyhood. Revealing personal info could destroy that. So while people might wonder " who is she?", know that your post is not revealing at all. There are probably hundreds of possibilities out there that could fit this. In addition, I will support you that you should not reveal who she is. This is not anybody's business. People are able to be honest here when this board is anonymous.

So while your mom is more famous than other parents, your issues with a mom with BPD are typical. Here, you get to be the daughter of anyone, just like the rest of us, and you can be yourself. State your story, but do not reveal details that can identify her. You can discuss the main idea without too much identifying information ( location, names, what your mother does, or where. She could be a politician, actress, author, talk show host, artist, musician, - anything, just do not say what, how old she is, or any other clues). Identifying details don't matter. The issues do, and you do. I hope you will find this helpful.