doubting myself

[jadedcat]

Nearly three months since I moved out on my BPD wife. My therapist, friends and kids are very supportive, but I get these doubts.

She keep sassing me why, that she doesn't understand why I am making this unilateral decision. I have said over and over that I feel pretty broken and need away from this relationship to try and heal, to regroup.

She has, over the past several years, declared us done numerous times, called me all sorts of names, and continues to point out my flaws (she calls that challenging me).

In the next text or email, she will say that she would still like to try.

She does not accept that she has BPD, in fact she strongly denies it. My therapist seems pretty convinced (I know, second hand).

Me, I'm anxious and sad. She's precious to me and I miss her. But I also worry every day and I hesitate every time my phone buzzes with a new text - afraid of what it might be.

I'm trying to do what I think is best, but I really don't know. I know I couldn't take the up and down, the roller coaster, the depression and the rage. And I know my kids couldn't either.

I wish I could fix her and I alternatively worry that it is me that really needs fixing - as she claims.

[Wood stock]

I too have experienced the whole routine where my BPD partner (in my case, a bf) says--no, screams at me--"We are so f------ done!"  (And always over an argument about something silly). Then he is just shocked when a day later I bring home boxes from work. Well this time IS the last time. I am packing his stuff and putting it into a storage unit (he is finishing up a jail sentence for a second DUI).  I have blocked the number from the correctional facility. And I am quite certain he is just shocked that this time I am going to hold him to HIS words that we are so... .done. (Yes, he screamed that at me over the phone from jail over a tiny little disagreement.). And furious. Oh he is so furious. And just horrible mean (hence why I blocked the number finally).  The writing is on the wall... .yet I just cry and cry.

I stood by him--was a good woman all the way around, including taking care of his little girl (who is not mine). And this is how he treats me.  I know it's for the best--but all of my family and friends who tell me to walk away from him all go home to their spouse at night while I am alone. So, yes, it's ridiculous for me to think there is any hope that he will see the light. But I still wish for it.

And I am so so sad--even if everyone says I shouldn't be. Even though it is HE who--once again ended the relationship. It is HE who has abandoned me. And it is HE who caused this... .I still wonder if I'm making the right decision. Crazy, I know.

[stayingpositive]

not crazy at all... .I've been reading for awhile now, this is my first post... .married 37 years (I know, a long time... .but I see so much in this thread that sounds so similar to my position right now... .3 months little contact, support from my family, her family, my therapist... .but I still struggle to move forward... .

[Suzn]

I have said over and over that I feel pretty broken and need away from this relationship to try and heal, to regroup.

You should only have to say this once. A healthier person would hear you the first time and respect it. Even if you decide to go back, and there's no judgement, are you in a place to stand up for your needs at this time? I think it's wise of you to be considering your children in your decisions, you seem to be the only one that is.

[jadedcat]

"You should only have to say this once."

Reading that brought me to tears at my desk.

In truth, I have said or written it so many times I've lost count. She just replies that she doesn't understand it, that there must be more, that maybe I was having an affair or something, or that she has apologized for being so emotional already and I need to get over it.

She tells me over and over that she loves me (in between the times she is telling me I am a loner, a horrible communicator, the most dishonest person she has ever met, a bad parent, a bad partner for her when she is not feeling depressed, etc), and I believe she does, but she does not hear me.

That won't change, will it?

She won't hear me.

And I'm just gong to be the evil man who is a abandoning her.

[Suzn]

At this point no, she is not hearing you and that's not likely to change anytime soon so just stop saying it.

First of all Jade cat you can change your mind later down the road or you can change it now, my point is is you are allowed to change your mind anytime you want.

It is not kind or loving to just beat somebody up when they are trying to regroup themselves together and take some space.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this is a very difficult time for you. Taking time for yourself is healthy and it is you taking care of yourself which in turn takes care of your children. You have the right to do the best you can for yourself to be the best parent you can be.

I applaud your efforts to stay strong and take care of yourself. Your recovery efforts are not for her to understand they are for you to understand. Granted, working together because you have children together is important and it may benefit you to read some of the lessons on the staying board to help you through the communications with your spouse. Suggesting the lessons on the staying board is not suggesting that you stay, that's for you to decide. However, the skills needed to communicate are there and will be helpful to you.

[Trog]

It is you that needs fixing and you only have the power to fix you. She must fix herself and if she's lucky you'll be around but please do not wait for that day. Sassing you and not giving you the space you asked for is very BPD, but sure as sugar when she wants her time out you'll be damned if you don't give with knobs on.

Im sorry you feel this way but turning all your attention on you and getting you right is #1 if she gets on board with it, great but even if she doesn't this is still the path you will choose in the end. Best make it sooner rather than later?