Second Thoughts?

[mrwigand]

I was wondering how often any of you had second thoughts about your decision to end the relationship with your BPD SO? Obviously, for those of you who were abruptly cut-off, the luxury of "second thoughts" hasn't been an option, and I apologize if this topic causes you some pain because of that.

I'm only a couple of weeks removed from finally ending the relationship with my BPD ex-girlfriend, and I have good days and bad, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't considering trying to reconcile. Part of the problem also is that I've been doing LC as opposed to NC, and maybe that is making more difficult than I thought it would be to detach.

If anything though the thing that has probably made me reconsider most is all of the information I've since absorbed about BPD, and the way it illuminates some of her behaviors. Because of the space I've had, I'm sure the idea of being back together seems more manageable than it actually would be. Also, I'm sure I'm falling prey to that condition where after you break up with someone, you only remember the good things and not the myriad of reasons that made it so essential to break up with them.

I don't know. I was wondering what other people's experience were?

[GrimFellow]

I was wondering how often any of you had second thoughts about your decision to end the relationship with your BPD SO? Obviously, for those of you who were abruptly cut-off, the luxury of "second thoughts" hasn't been an option, and I apologize if this topic causes you some pain because of that.

I'm only a couple of weeks removed from finally ending the relationship with my BPD ex-girlfriend, and I have good days and bad, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't considering trying to reconcile. Part of the problem also is that I've been doing LC as opposed to NC, and maybe that is making more difficult than I thought it would be to detach.

If anything though the thing that has probably made me reconsider most is all of the information I've since absorbed about BPD, and the way it illuminates some of her behaviors. Because of the space I've had, I'm sure the idea of being back together seems more manageable than it actually would be. Also, I'm sure I'm falling prey to that condition where after you break up with someone, you only remember the good things and not the myriad of reasons that made it so essential to break up with them.

I don't know. I was wondering what other people's experience were?

I gone NC and never responded to messages from my ex. I knew that even LC will only prolong my suffering. Now after 7,5 months I can finally say that I'm free. I recently heard about my ex cheating me with 2 guys during our relationship. I wasn't triggered by this information, contrary I'm bursting with happiness right now. I know one of these guys, and I know from spread rumors that he had multiple recycles with my ex, I think he don't know that she was diagnosed with BPD. I even feel some compassion for him and her, but now it's not this kind of compassion I felt during my repetitive rescues. Man, how pitty is that to be with three guys at the same time, simultaneously?

I've never had second thoughts that could lead to breakage of my NC. I knew and still know that this is the only way to get rid of all toxins that she poured into my mind. I suffered a lot of course but NEVER really thought about return.

I hope you will find the right way to do things that are best FOR YOU 

[willtimeheal]

My ex BPD and I broke up and recycled many times for six years. During this time I was cheated on, lied to, verbally abused, emotionally abused, and financially abused. I kept going back until I finally went to therapy. Once in therapy I got stronger and stronger. I put up boundaries and she didn't like it. As I got healthier her BPD behaviors got worse and worse.  Finally the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. That's when I walked away for good. I have not regretted it since. Sure sometimes I wonder just maybe it would have been alright and worked out if I stayed but then the reality of the disorder and all the hell I was put through floods back in... .and that brief thought disappears.

You can't have a healthy relationship with a BPD person. The first weeks and months were difficult and I still have hard days... .but give yourself time and watch your life take off once removed from the disorder.  Mine has... .I am such a different person now. If you asked me if I ever thought I could be this happy and excited about life five months ago I would have said you were crazy. I thought my life was over when I split from my BPD... .truth is my life was just beginning. Leaving was the hardest but best decision I ever made for myself.

[GrimFellow]

Oh and I forgot- If you will finally heal yourself from this rs you will be better equipped to cope with other people that are toxic for you. Relationship with my exBPD was the best thing in my life from this perspective, now I have more insight into my own weaknesses and into causes because of which people behave how they behave. You should look into LESSONS topic if you haven't done so.

It really hepls, and whole this messageboard is great 

[Suzn]

Also, I'm sure I'm falling prey to that condition where after you break up with someone, you only remember the good things and not the myriad of reasons that made it so essential to break up with them.

What is it that you need right now mrwigand? It's our needs, that aren't being met, that help us forget the reasons we broke up.

[mrwigand]

That's a good question and I guess I never thought of it in that context of needs not being met. I guess I would say I miss the closeness and intimacy of the relationship. It wasn't always close and intimate, and she exhibited a lot of behavior that was unfair, unhealthy and unnecessarily hurtful. She did seem to have some awareness of that, and she is in therapy now.

Obviously, there were reasons we broke up, and it's important for me to remember those, but I do miss her.

[LimboFL]

Hi again MrWigand,

I am not sure where I stand either, because it is very hard to let go of what you know lies deep inside the woman you fell in love with, whether that be the three year old child or anything else. Hopefully everyone understands what I mean when I say "the three year old child". I still love my ex and miss her deeply. I miss the days when everything just went smoothly and calmly, not when she was all over me. Those days were fun but not realistic.

The problem I keep going to is that I just can't trust her anymore. While caustic, I could have dealt with the belittling, especially as I was learning to not allow it to sink in and to just not react. Man what a difference, 10 minutes later she would apologize. If I had only known way back when, how much grief I could have saved myself. With that said, I am stubborn and likely deserved some of the grief but I also completely compromised to the point, where I even joked to her, that my world (belongings) were slowly being pushed into a corner. Keep in mind that my belonging were Asian collectibles, art etc, not ferrari hot wheels and lit beer signs. To her it was clutter. I finally gave in and the apartment became hers. Pretty normal stuff I guess.

BUT, the periodic rages, the irrational anger with my son, the periodic over flirtations and over friendships with other men, the lies (many of which thank God I am oblivious to). In other words, my ex didn't rip my eyes out or put a restraining order out on me, she didn't steal from me etc. But there was plenty of things that one has to absorb, lack of gratitude (there were thanks but little reciprocation).

What I am saying is that I was well versed when I returned to the relationship. But being studied on the subject and having to actually put what you learn into practice are very different things. It's a matter of whether you have the strength to endure multiple examples of the same behavior, before you finally learn how to put what you know into practice. There is no manual, so it's completely individual, so you can't say "oh she did this, so what's coming next is".

The other thing I couldn't deal with, which I had an absolute lightbulb moment when I read someone else say the same thing and felt "wow, it wasn't just me", was the perpetual state of them always having one foot out the door. I even told my ex why I didn't propose or allow her to take charge of my finances, because she has always had one foot out the door.

Mr. Wigan, I am not sure at what stage you are in, how long you have been with your ex or how many times you have been done and gone back. If you feel you have the strength, then go in with both eyes open. I am still not sure myself, despite the above but one thing is certain, we cannot change them. I watched my ex change from stuffing blow up her nose every day to completely stopping, the entire time we were together. I watched her get into some serious trouble because of her boozing and she slowed that down too. If they are sufficiently motivated to change, they can, but those were self preservation reactions. Because of how chaotic their emotional states are, I just don't think that we, the SO's can ever be so important to them to want to make the mountainous climb that is needed to change for us, even though the change would benefit them so so much more.

I vented earlier this evening with a post, because my ex reached out to me for something purely practical but she already had the answer to the question she asked. I had been very clear two weeks ago about a certain date. But it threw me off my progress.

My last comment, you sound like you clearly are conflicted, so maybe you give it one more shot, but again just go in knowing that she won't change. It will all be you and while there might be moments of lucidity, your roller coaster ride will continue. I could have dealt with it all. My ex is sufficiently aware and has enough control of her own emotions that I could have seen us making it, but the creeping over into the infidelity territory, even if just emotional attachments, is something I simply cannot deal with. I won't deal with it. Some partners can, I can't.

I completely understand the "I want to give it one more go". I still feel it and who knows, she might present herself to me in such a way that I say ok. The difference this time for me, is that I no longer live with her, so the risks are dramatically reduced. However, not being together could mean that she can carry own as she pleases when she is home.

Do what you have to do Mr. Wigand. Sometimes you have to just see and if you are at the point where you didn't know before but do now, that you have learned about the disorder, then I understand your desire even more. If the risk is not that you are going to end up in jail or that she is going to do serious hard to either yourself or her, then you only risk your heart being damaged again. If you think you are strong enough, then feed try again. You have us here for support, which is critical. No one is going to say " we told you so", everyone here understands and wants what you want, well some don't but you know what I mean.

I wish you strength whichever direction you choose. I might be in the same boat as you soon enough.  

[Suzn]

It's great to hear she's in therapy. That is at least a sign she is attempting to take care of herself. Good for her.

What are you doing to take care of you? When I start feeling lonely it's always a sign to me that I'm lacking some self care. There are lots of things you can do just for you when you start feeling this way. Meet up with a friend, take a walk, go work out, join a meet up group, get back into or start a new hobbies, etc...

Sometimes it's ok to just sit with missing them too. It's normal to miss someone you loved even if there were parts of that relationship that hurt us. It's uncomfortable without them sometimes however it's progress when we can get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Make sense?

[LimboFL]

OK, I missed that she is in therapy, sorry. That should be your gauge. As the visits to the therapist continue, you slowly go back into the relationship. Good luck!

[Suzn]

Once you become intimately involved with someone with BPD you become a trigger to their disorder. This is a fact. It can be a show of love to leave someone with themselves so that they can focus on their recovery. This goes equally for us in our own recovery.

[mrwigand]

That's a great point as well, and something I've definitely considered. Also, we've recycled 3 times already. There are definite reasons we broke up. She seemed to have a lack of interest in my life at the end (I hate to say she was self-absorbed, but it's definitely a thought I've had), she had an unhealthy relationship with an ex (not infidelity, but definitely unhealthy) that I was frequently finding myself in the middle of and being hurt by. Although she seems to be getting past her relationship with her ex.

And then there was the classic stuff... .Walking on eggshells, the mood extremes, silent treatment, the occasional ability to empathize.

[beguya]

you are always going to remember the good times.  we're just human like that.  Right now your in the middle of a storm, but it will get better and though each time one of those waves comes at you and it is just as intense as before, the waves do get further apart.

I just had one not long ago, I was fortunate enough for my safety to move out of town and remove myself.  But now 1.5 yrs later I just returned back to this little town and frankly was scared of running into her again because of my own weaknesses.

Coming back to this board and reminding myself of the turmoil was a good reality check for me.

Did she get help while I was gone.  I don't know, but am I willing to risk it and get sucked back in and then be in the position of saying to myself "what the hell were you thinking"

[Gonzalo]

During the relationship, I told myself that the various breakups except one weren't real, that it was just... .I don't even know, like it was some communication issue or somehow I provoked an overreaction. The only exception was one that I said 'fine, I accept it' to (september a year before the real breakup), and there I did have lots of second thoughts, so we got back together after a week or so, and started couples therapy.

At the final breakup in October, she told me again (even after two promises not to tell me that she was breaking up with me unless she meant it) that it was over this time, and all I really felt was a feeling of relief that I wouldn't have to deal with the crazy any more. I had some hesitations and agreed not to act on the breakup because we had a pair of friends over to talk and they convinced me to stick it out for a little longer. Fortunately for me, the next day she decided to pick a fight with me because I had calmed down enough to watch TV and laugh, and in that fight confirmed that she meant things were over between us, and threw the birthday cake I made her into the sink. This really sealed the deal; it forced me to confront the fact that she wasn't going to change, and I took a picture of the cake to remind me of the consequences of changing my mind again.

After a few weeks of not being in the relationship, I realized just how much better my life was without all of the crazy in it. While she didn't move out until the middle of December, things were dramatically better even with the annoyance of her in the house occasionally making weird declarations (at one point she told me she didn't want me to move any furniture outside of my room... .in the house that I pay for). And once she was out of the house, the realization that I no longer have to fear what's waiting when I'm coming home was HUGE.

I still care about her a lot, but I don't regret breaking up at all, and realize I should have called it quits LONG before I did. I really put a lot of myself into trying to save her, and ultimately it was all futile. I'm not over all of it yet, but I'm not tempted to welcome her back at all, and she seems to have created a bubble of people to protect her from acknowledging anything that she actually did in the relationship, which also keeps her away from me.