Is he truly content now? Can BPD go dormant for long periods?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi Family,

Just wondering about something and was looking for everyone's thoughts on this.  My BPDex appears quite "normal" these days. Starting last summer and continuing now. He is (seemingly) once again totally enmeshed in his family, marriage, life, and hobby. Now - I've been told by many wonderful people on this site that what someone puts on Facebook can be all smoke and mirrors. I do agree with that somewhat. However - his behavior has been consistent now for many months.

No, I don't think it's normal for someone to "live" on Facebook 24/7 - but to each his own. I guess what I'm driving at here is - can it be possible for the disorder to go dormant for long periods of time? I know what I witnessed in our relationship was textbook BPD. Didn't know it at the time - but I sure see it now.  Yet I see no signs of it now. Yes - I have peeked on FB more times than I care to admit (he blocked me a long time ago), and all seems rosy. He is loving life and enjoying his hobby. If he is truly happy and content - then good for him. 

Does BPD go dormant for long periods? His marriage is such that there are no triggers for him. They have a platonic relationship. Basically, they are roommates, drinking buddies, and she is financially dependent on him for everything. There is no real intimacy and there is no chance of abandonment as she has nowhere else to go.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I continue to struggle with why I'm the bad guy here and no one else in his world got treated the way I did.  BTW - he blocked me on Facebook because I wouldn't accept his Friend Request. The request came over a year after he had dumped me and been giving me the Silent Treatment.

[lipstick]

Hi Family,

Just wondering about something and was looking for everyone's thoughts on this.  My BPDex appears quite "normal" these days. Starting last summer and continuing now. He is (seemingly) once again totally enmeshed in his family, marriage, life, and hobby. Now - I've been told by many wonderful people on this site that what someone puts on Facebook can be all smoke and mirrors. I do agree with that somewhat. However - his behavior has been consistent now for many months.

No, I don't think it's normal for someone to "live" on Facebook 24/7 - but to each his own. I guess what I'm driving at here is - can it be possible for the disorder to go dormant for long periods of time? I know what I witnessed in our relationship was textbook BPD. Didn't know it at the time - but I sure see it now.  Yet I see no signs of it now. Yes - I have peeked on FB more times than I care to admit (he blocked me a long time ago), and all seems rosy. He is loving life and enjoying his hobby. If he is truly happy and content - then good for him. 

Does BPD go dormant for long periods? His marriage is such that there are no triggers for him. They have a platonic relationship. Basically, they are roommates, drinking buddies, and she is financially dependent on him for everything. There is no real intimacy and there is no chance of abandonment as she has nowhere else to go.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I continue to struggle with why I'm the bad guy here and no one else in his world got treated the way I did.  BTW - he blocked me on Facebook because I wouldn't accept his Friend Request. The request came over a year after he had dumped me and been giving me the Silent Treatment.

[fromheeltoheal]

I think untriggered is a better term than dormant.  If she's captive and dependent and he knows it that will keep the abandonment fears at bay, and if there is no intimacy there's no fear of engulfment, so the main areas of focus for a borderline are handled for now.  The push/pull behavior is a response to those fears, and if he's not feeling them, push/pull isn't necessary.  And then of course, everyone puts their best foot forward on Facebook, we get a skewed representation of each other there, like a cyber cocktail party, everyone posting what they want the world to see, to create the person we want to be seen as, but much less transparent.

You know him, you know how he really is, and she may see it too behind closed doors, but of course the big thing is how much it still matters to you, or not.

[lipstick]

I think untriggered is a better term than dormant.  If she's captive and dependent and he knows it that will keep the abandonment fears at bay, and if there is no intimacy there's no fear of engulfment, so the main areas of focus for a borderline are handled for now.  The push/pull behavior is a response to those fears, and if he's not feeling them, push/pull isn't necessary.  And then of course, everyone puts their best foot forward on Facebook, we get a skewed representation of each other there, like a cyber cocktail party, everyone posting what they want the world to see, to create the person we want to be seen as, but much less transparent.

You know him, you know how he really is, and she may see it too behind closed doors, but of course the big thing is how much it still matters to you, or not.

FromHeeltoHeal,

As always - you nailed it!  She is most definitely captive and dependent. What I struggle with is why I'm shut out / hated and she NEVER gets painted black. I don't get that.

Yes - best foot forward on "Fakebook". He is very good at that. His arrogance just LEAPS off that screen in some of his comments.

Heal - why do you think he still hangs onto items that I purchased for him. He's even gone so far as to put pictures of them on FB. Used them as props in a beach shot and commented on how they are his "favorites". Now - he has no idea I've seen any of this. A friend of mine belongs to the same photography group as the ex. Sent me the pic  If I'm hated - why "love" those items? Why not toss them out? He blocked me on FB over a year ago - I thought that meant I'm "in the black"?

Thx!   

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey lipstick, remember the painted black thing has everything to do with the emotions he can't handle any other way and nothing to do with you.  If you were trying to have a real relationship with him, were looking to get emotionally close, it probably triggered the disorder, he felt engulfed, like he would lose himself, so he pushed you away, and dumped all his crap on you, projection, so you'd take it with you when you left; you have to be the scumbag so he can feel better and keep the shame at bay.

But attachments are everything to a borderline, mine's been popping in and out of my life for 28 years, she never lets all the way go.  It's very painful to be thoughtful and give someone something and then think they just threw it away when things didn't work out, but him keeping something is his way of keeping a little bit of that attachment alive, and you seeing it is keeping it alive for you too, which is why we eliminate contact, and looking on Facebook is contact.  Best to remember what it was really like in the relationship and why it didn't work, and why it would never change, and then focus on letting all the way go.  There's a lot of deep stuff around why it's so tough to let go, part of the fallout from being with a mentally I'll person, but that can be the gift too, if we use it.  What part of you did he take with him?  Was that something you thought you needed?

[lipstick]

Hey lipstick, remember the painted black thing has everything to do with the emotions he can't handle any other way and nothing to do with you.  If you were trying to have a real relationship with him, were looking to get emotionally close, it probably triggered the disorder, he felt engulfed, like he would lose himself, so he pushed you away, and dumped all his crap on you, projection, so you'd take it with you when you left; you have to be the scumbag so he can feel better and keep the shame at bay.

But attachments are everything to a borderline, mine's been popping in and out of my life for 28 years, she never lets all the way go.  It's very painful to be thoughtful and give someone something and then think they just threw it away when things didn't work out, but him keeping something is his way of keeping a little bit of that attachment alive, and you seeing it is keeping it alive for you too, which is why we eliminate contact, and looking on Facebook is contact.  Best to remember what it was really like in the relationship and why it didn't work, and why it would never change, and then focus on letting all the way go.  There's a lot of deep stuff around why it's so tough to let go, part of the fallout from being with a mentally I'll person, but that can be the gift too, if we use it.  What part of you did he take with him?  Was that something you thought you needed?

Heal,

My head understands what you're saying. My heart, though... .well... .      I know I need to let go. I've been telling myself that for the longest time. And truth be told... .I'm weary with all of it.  There is a part of me that still wants to "get even" with him for what he did. I know he still checks up on me from time to time via an alternate FB account. My juvenile side wants to post stuff to hurt him. But I don't do it... .just can't. I suppose what is left is my bruised ego. That she won and I lost. Dumb, huh?  I know he stays in the relationship because it doesn't trigger him. Also, his spouse has this huge extended family and he views that as no abandonment. His spouse is quite a bit older than him. In her mid-sixties and looks like hell. I've often wondered what he'll do when his two biggest enablers ( mom and spouse ) are gone (if he outlives them). 

What part of me did he take with him? I don't really know. I can tell you that he sounds like me now in a lot of his online posts. The "lingo" that he uses is mine. I have certain words / phrases that I use. He now uses them. He's also posted about his favorite era of music - it's actually MY favorite era and he knows it. He also took a lot of my self-esteem. Being tossed aside for an abusive drunk who can't hold a candle to you in any way is soul-crushing. But what you say makes sense - she doesn't trigger him. And there is zero chance that she'll leave him. I was not dependent on him. I also don't drink (rarely) and I am her opposite in every possible way. She has no life skills and cannot support herself financially. But to him these things don't matter. I also hate that I'm forgotten. I will never forget him - yet he can just erase me like I was nothing.

And like you - I've known him for a long time. Since I was fifteen. I just turned fifty. I wonder if he'll ever pop back up again? My mother says most definitely. I don't think so. I believe he's too ashamed of what he did. And he can never let me know that!

Thank you for your wise words, Heal !   

[lipstick]

I also wanted to add that if he is indeed as happy and content with life as he posts about on Facebook - then I'm happy for him. After what I witnessed while I was with him, and what I've read about on this site - I didn't think it was possible for folks with the disorder to be happy for long periods of time. But he has somehow managed. That's why I asked about the disorder going "dormant". As he is having a blast and things have never been better. If so - then good for him.   

[Mustbeabetterway]

You say "appears" quite normal.  I think this is probably the case, he simply "appears" that way and for all the reasons that you mentioned. 

It seems fishy to me that he is using items you gave him as fb props.  Pw BPD can be very intuitive.  I know my uBPDh is very intuitive.  He can read people well.  So, possibly your ex senses you looking at his FB.  May be a manipulation on his part.  Just a thought.

It seems this is keeping you stuck.  So easy to get stuck and so hard to get unstuck.

In my own experience, as long as the pwBPD has a caretaker (someone to anticipate and meet all his needs), the ugly side of BPD does not need to come out as often.  But, when the caretaker (me in my situation) pulls away, this triggers BPD behaviors.  The more the caretaker tries to separate, and have their own identity, the more the pwBPD tries to exert control over the r/s.  Isn't he still exerting some control if you are looking at FB and feeling bad?

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think the best way to "get even" is to live your own life, work on yourself and build a good support system.  Good luck! 

[lipstick]

You say "appears" quite normal.  I think this is probably the case, he simply "appears" that way and for all the reasons that you mentioned. 

It seems fishy to me that he is using items you gave him as fb props.  Pw BPD can be very intuitive.  I know my uBPDh is very intuitive.  He can read people well.  So, possibly your ex senses you looking at his FB.  May be a manipulation on his part.  Just a thought.

It seems this is keeping you stuck.  So easy to get stuck and so hard to get unstuck.

In my own experience, as long as the pwBPD has a caretaker (someone to anticipate and meet all his needs), the ugly side of BPD does not need to come out as often.  But, when the caretaker (me in my situation) pulls away, this triggers BPD behaviors.  The more the caretaker tries to separate, and have their own identity, the more the pwBPD tries to exert control over the r/s.  Isn't he still exerting some control if you are looking at FB and feeling bad?

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think the best way to "get even" is to live your own life, work on yourself and build a good support system.  Good luck! 

Hi MustBeABetterWay,

Thank you for your thoughts on this.  I don't think he "sensed" anything regarding me looking at his picture. It was just him looking for adoration from his FB "fans". He's taken up photography and posts every.single.picture that he takes onto FB. He is quite impressed with himself. And some (some!) of the pictures are quite good.

The caretaker in his situation would be the spouse. I think he sees her more as a "mother figure" than as his partner. She depends on him financially. Cannot make her own way in the world without him. In return - she takes care of the homefront. She does have a job. Sort of. Gets paid under the table and only has the position because the owners view her as family, and don't have the heart to fire a sixty-three year old woman who has no other skills than working in a beach dive bar. She will probably not receive Social Security as she has never really held down a "real" job in all these years. My ex is the chief breadwinner as he has a marketable skill (chef). 

So there is zero chance of abandonment here. Except when one of them dies. She is a good bit older and looks like hell. Also - his mother is not doing so well these days either. Heavy drinker / smoker. These two women are his biggest enablers. His sons pretty much ignore him (imagine that!).  So yeah - there are no triggers in his relationship. He can do as he pleases with no questions asked. He knew that behavior wouldn't fly with me.

[PaintedBlack28]

can it be possible for the disorder to go dormant for long periods of time? I know what I witnessed in our relationship was textbook BPD. Didn't know it at the time - but I sure see it now. 

Does BPD go dormant for long periods? His marriage is such that there are no triggers for him. They have a platonic relationship. Basically, they are roommates, drinking buddies, and she is financially dependent on him for everything. There is no real intimacy and there is no chance of abandonment as she has nowhere else to go.

Hi

Interesting question. I can say that  in the r/s as the b/u was approachig my xBPDgf oftenly complained that before me she never had triggered so often and that  she didnt know what  was happening to her, that it was something she knew I was 'the culprit'... .I believe this to some extent was true. We started living together, and we didnt run a week-end r/s but what  at least  at  the time I thought was a seriopus r/s. So I think the answer to your question is yes, but I dont know exactly to what degree and stage, or depending on what. Maybe depending on the seriousness of the r/s (the quality of the attachment) the disorder will or will not be 'dormant'.

cheers   

[lipstick]

can it be possible for the disorder to go dormant for long periods of time? I know what I witnessed in our relationship was textbook BPD. Didn't know it at the time - but I sure see it now. 

Does BPD go dormant for long periods? His marriage is such that there are no triggers for him. They have a platonic relationship. Basically, they are roommates, drinking buddies, and she is financially dependent on him for everything. There is no real intimacy and there is no chance of abandonment as she has nowhere else to go.

Hi

Interesting question. I can say that  in the r/s as the b/u was approachig my xBPDgf oftenly complained that before me she never had triggered so often and that  she didnt know what  was happening to her, that it was something she knew I was 'the culprit'... .I believe this to some extent was true. We started living together, and we didnt run a week-end r/s but what  at least  at  the time I thought was a seriopus r/s. So I think the answer to your question is yes, but I dont know exactly to what degree and stage, or depending on what. Maybe depending on the seriousness of the r/s (the quality of the attachment) the disorder will or will not be 'dormant'.

cheers   

Hi PaintedBlack,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.  From what I understand - his marriage is not what we would consider "quality". They are quite the pair. She has broken his nose, had them banned from restaurants, struck his vehicle with hers - and doesn't want him to lay a finger on her (no sex). Every night plays out the same way. They both drink all evening. Stay up until the wee hours. We're talking till two and three in the morning here! He stays on FB all night. Posting his pictures and whatnot. Then passes out. Gets up a few hours later and heads into work. She sleeps all morning until she drags herself into work later in the day. Lather, rinse, repeat.

However - they've been together a long time now. He has been asked many times over why he stays. People have witnessed her behavior and she has a history of domestic violence starting with her first marriage. So apparently they feed off of each other. Both fulfilling a "need". For him - she is a sure thing. Will never leave him. For her - he is her whole world and she cannot survive without him. No one in their family wants to deal with her - so she really has nowhere else to go. Nice, huh? 

He has called it a "comfortable life". I call it sad. But you wouldn't know it by what he puts up on FB. It's the most awesome of awesome... .

[Maternus]

My uBPDex also appeared almost normal in the first one or two years of our relationship. Yes, there was love bombing and idealisation, some minor temper tantrums out of the blue, unpredictable mood swings - but I didn't recognize it, it was normal behaviour to me.  I was conditioned from childhood on to accept such behaviour. Everybody who looked from the outside was convinced, she is happy, she has found her love of her life. And it worked out quite well for a long time, because I was a passive co-dependent and had my own issues with intimacy. I even thought everything is fine when she started to devalue me, to control me, to belittle me, to correct everything I do, think or say. I really thought I deserve this kind of treatment. I felt that something was wrong, I had a constant heartburn and other stomach problems. But I didn't realise, that I was emotionally abused. Friends and family saw that something was wrong with me, but nobody had an idea that my relationship was the cause. I didn't see it myself. These things are very hard to discover and even harder to accept. I don't think you'll ever spot such things on a facebook-profile.  

[CloseToFreedom]

My uBPDex also appeared almost normal in the first one or two years of our relationship. Yes, there was love bombing and idealisation, some minor temper tantrums out of the blue, unpredictable mood swings - but I didn't recognize it, it was normal behaviour to me.  I was conditioned from childhood on to accept such behaviour. Everybody who looked from the outside was convinced, she is happy, she has found her love of her life. And it worked out quite well for a long time, because I was a passive co-dependent and had my own issues with intimacy. I even thought everything is fine when she started to devalue me, to control me, to belittle me, to correct everything I do, think or say. I really thought I deserve this kind of treatment. I felt that something was wrong, I had a constant heartburn and other stomach problems. But I didn't realise, that I was emotionally abused. Friends and family saw that something was wrong with me, but nobody had an idea that my relationship was the cause. I didn't see it myself. These things are very hard to discover and even harder to accept. I don't think you'll ever spot such things on a facebook-profile.  

This was exactly my situation. Thanks for typing this out.

[Caredverymuch]

Does BPD go dormant for long periods? His marriage is such that there are no triggers for him. They have a platonic relationship. Basically, they are roommates, drinking buddies, and she is financially dependent on him for everything. There is no real intimacy and there is no chance of abandonment as she has nowhere else to go.

Hi Lipstick,

Our experiences were so similar and I realize why you continue to ask bc I did and sometimes still struggle with this. Our stories are alike as my expBPD had his dream with me and was apparently in a very unhappy marriage prior to me. This was something we talked about all the time as like you, we both had been in unloving situations when we met.  We had a very, very loving r/s based in caring.  We were supposed to have a life together. I moved forward, he ran back.

Went back, acted like I/we never existed, painted me blacker then black out of no where and acts like he has a perfect marriage now, out and about in a happy very content way. No evidence of the disorder that I can see. As if its gone.  When we were together the disorder was incredibly evident ( did not know about BPD then but looking back its clear as day). He displays NONE of that now. None.

The disorder is in check now for your ex and for mine as per above. Routine. Structure. Predicability. No intimacy. No fear of abandonment. No triggers.

Happy? I think the definition is very different for them. Calm perhaps is more like it.

[fromheeltoheal]

He also took a lot of my self-esteem.

Did he take it or did you give it to him?  Maybe it's time to take it back?  Maybe he seems comfortable now because he's with someone who is non threatening, and you made him feel uncomfortable because you wanted more and were more?  Whether that's true or not doesn't matter, it's about whatever helps you shift your focus to you and your esteem for yourself as you take your power back.

I also hate that I'm forgotten. I will never forget him - yet he can just erase me like I was nothing.

You're not forgotten, you have proof with the stuff that shows up in his Facebook pics.  It's just that memories of you may be triggering for him and awaken his shame, so he needs to exclude you from conscious thought for now, but that may change, and you may be seen as someone to turn to for soothing at some point, and the worst thing you can do is mistake it for something that it's not, and the best way to avoid that is work on yourself now, shift the focus and take your power back.

[Caredverymuch]

I also hate that I'm forgotten. I will never forget him - yet he can just erase me like I was nothing.

I believe he's too ashamed of what he did.

That is also what lingers in me. I think the greatest hurt. Still very difficult to comprehend. Just went from love to being forgotten. Like I was nothing. Like you said, I could never forget him. What we had. The length of time we knew one another, were together. We shared every part of ourselves with one another so deeply. And so much more.  And he erased me and acts like I am a complete stranger.  I actually get more attention from complete strangers.

It is shame Lipstick.

[myself]

Out of everything I've ever read about pwBPD, 'contentment' wasn't in there.

[lipstick]

He also took a lot of my self-esteem.

Did he take it or did you give it to him?  Maybe it's time to take it back?  Maybe he seems comfortable now because he's with someone who is non threatening, and you made him feel uncomfortable because you wanted more and were more?  Whether that's true or not doesn't matter, it's about whatever helps you shift your focus to you and your esteem for yourself as you take your power back.

I also hate that I'm forgotten. I will never forget him - yet he can just erase me like I was nothing.

You're not forgotten, you have proof with the stuff that shows up in his Facebook pics.  It's just that memories of you may be triggering for him and awaken his shame, so he needs to exclude you from conscious thought for now, but that may change, and you may be seen as someone to turn to for soothing at some point, and the worst thing you can do is mistake it for something that it's not, and the best way to avoid that is work on yourself now, shift the focus and take your power back.

Heal,

Thank you again for your thoughts.  Yes, I would say his spouse is non-threatening. Again - she is much older than he is. And she is very insecure about the age gap between them. When his friends met me - they would pull him aside and say "she's really something... .what is she doing with you?" and he was quite proud of me. Loved showing me off in public! The spouse and I are night and day different. Complete and total opposites! And yes - I expected a lot of him because he had unbelievable potential! We were starting a new life together and I was so very excited. Very encouraging and supportive of him.

I'm trying to "take my power back". One step at a time. I've completely rebuilt my life since he dumped me two years ago. It's been very difficult - but I took it one day at a time and just tried to push through.

I guess you're right about not being forgotten. I do know he still checks up on me via an alternate FB account. Don't know what he's looking for. I really don't post much.

My mother agrees with you - he'll reach out again at some point. I do hope I'm detached enough by then to truly see it for what it is.   

Thank you!   

[lipstick]

Does BPD go dormant for long periods? His marriage is such that there are no triggers for him. They have a platonic relationship. Basically, they are roommates, drinking buddies, and she is financially dependent on him for everything. There is no real intimacy and there is no chance of abandonment as she has nowhere else to go.

Hi Lipstick,

Our experiences were so similar and I realize why you continue to ask bc I did and sometimes still struggle with this. Our stories are alike as my expBPD had his dream with me and was apparently in a very unhappy marriage prior to me. This was something we talked about all the time as like you, we both had been in unloving situations when we met.  We had a very, very loving r/s based in caring.  We were supposed to have a life together. I moved forward, he ran back.

Went back, acted like I/we never existed, painted me blacker then black out of no where and acts like he has a perfect marriage now, out and about in a happy very content way. No evidence of the disorder that I can see. As if its gone.  When we were together the disorder was incredibly evident ( did not know about BPD then but looking back its clear as day). He displays NONE of that now. None.

The disorder is in check now for your ex and for mine as per above. Routine. Structure. Predicability. No intimacy. No fear of abandonment. No triggers.

Happy? I think the definition is very different for them. Calm perhaps is more like it.

Hi CaredVeryMuch,

Yes, I remember the similarities in our BPD experiences!  You are 100% spot-on with his disorder being in check. And perhaps that is what's best for him? He and the spouse do the same things over and over and over. Go to the same places. Never leave their little town. Of course, it's a beautiful beach community and I wouldn't leave often, either!  However, I think their reasons are twofold. They can't really afford it and I think there is comfort in just doing the same things repeatedly. I find that boring - but whatever.

This is going to sound strange, but let me try to explain what I think they "believe". It appears that the two of them are stuck in some kind of strange time-warp. Like - things aren't allowed to ever CHANGE. Change is bad (in their minds). Change means possible abandonment. So they do the same things all.the.time.     She hasn't changed her hairstyle in years. They go to the same worn out places and don't really have friends. Just casual acquaintances. It seems to me like they're trying to hang onto something that is slipping away. I'm probably not making any sense with this - but I know they've been doing a lot of "traveling down memory lane" these days. Revisiting past events and basically living in the past. Which is fine - but it seems like they're desperately clinging to a life that is going to change whether they want it to or not. She is not getting any younger and does not look good at all.  He also has health issues. So I wonder if they sense that time is catching up to them?

The ex did tell me that his life was "the only one he could ever imagine". I think he is comfortable. Just... .comfortable. Nothing more. And that is boring. He also told me in our last actual communication (prior to him coming back a year later) that he had an "obligation to his family to make his marriage work". Huh?  All of their children are grown and are leading their own lives.  That statement made no sense to me - but I figured it was a way to dismiss me. This after asking me to marry him and have a child with him. Such baloney.

I'm so sorry you and I had this experience. It's made me distrust people and feel inferior to an abusive old drunk! Choosing her over me was so hard to accept. Definite body blow to the ego!  But perhaps he is better off in the life he's living. If it keeps the disorder in check - I guess I should be happy for him!  Yet he should know how much he hurt me.

[lipstick]

Out of everything I've ever read about pwBPD, 'contentment' wasn't in there.

Hi songbook,

Perhaps I should have said "comfortable"?  I don't think he's content in the way we experience contentment. But I think he is comfortable. His spouse will never "abandon" him. He feels safe in his little island community. Routine and doing the same old, boring stuff is comforting to him. Routine also means no abandonment.

However, I do believe that time is starting to catch up with them. Their age difference will - in my opinion - become a factor very soon. I don't care what people say. It matters when your partner is much older than you are. I just wonder what he'll do if and/or when he loses his two biggest enablers (mom and spouse)?  Ultimate abandonment there.

[Caredverymuch]

Does BPD go dormant for long periods? His marriage is such that there are no triggers for him. They have a platonic relationship. Basically, they are roommates, drinking buddies, and she is financially dependent on him for everything. There is no real intimacy and there is no chance of abandonment as she has nowhere else to go.

Hi Lipstick,

Our experiences were so similar and I realize why you continue to ask bc I did and sometimes still struggle with this. Our stories are alike as my expBPD had his dream with me and was apparently in a very unhappy marriage prior to me. This was something we talked about all the time as like you, we both had been in unloving situations when we met.  We had a very, very loving r/s based in caring.  We were supposed to have a life together. I moved forward, he ran back.

Went back, acted like I/we never existed, painted me blacker then black out of no where and acts like he has a perfect marriage now, out and about in a happy very content way. No evidence of the disorder that I can see. As if its gone.  When we were together the disorder was incredibly evident ( did not know about BPD then but looking back its clear as day). He displays NONE of that now. None.

The disorder is in check now for your ex and for mine as per above. Routine. Structure. Predicability. No intimacy. No fear of abandonment. No triggers.

Happy? I think the definition is very different for them. Calm perhaps is more like it.

Hi CaredVeryMuch,

Yes, I remember the similarities in our BPD experiences!  You are 100% spot-on with his disorder being in check. And perhaps that is what's best for him? He and the spouse do the same things over and over and over. Go to the same places. Never leave their little town. Of course, it's a beautiful beach community and I wouldn't leave often, either!  However, I think their reasons are twofold. They can't really afford it and I think there is comfort in just doing the same things repeatedly. I find that boring - but whatever.

This is going to sound strange, but let me try to explain what I think they "believe". It appears that the two of them are stuck in some kind of strange time-warp. Like - things aren't allowed to ever CHANGE. Change is bad (in their minds). Change means possible abandonment. So they do the same things all.the.time.     She hasn't changed her hairstyle in years. They go to the same worn out places and don't really have friends. Just casual acquaintances. It seems to me like they're trying to hang onto something that is slipping away. I'm probably not making any sense with this - but I know they've been doing a lot of "traveling down memory lane" these days. Revisiting past events and basically living in the past. Which is fine - but it seems like they're desperately clinging to a life that is going to change whether they want it to or not. She is not getting any younger and does not look good at all.  He also has health issues. So I wonder if they sense that time is catching up to them?

The ex did tell me that his life was "the only one he could ever imagine". I think he is comfortable. Just... .comfortable. Nothing more. And that is boring. He also told me in our last actual communication (prior to him coming back a year later) that he had an "obligation to his family to make his marriage work". Huh?  All of their children are grown and are leading their own lives.  That statement made no sense to me - but I figured it was a way to dismiss me. This after asking me to marry him and have a child with him. Such baloney.

I'm so sorry you and I had this experience. It's made me distrust people and feel inferior to an abusive old drunk! Choosing her over me was so hard to accept. Definite body blow to the ego!  But perhaps he is better off in the life he's living. If it keeps the disorder in check - I guess I should be happy for him!  Yet he should know how much he hurt me.

Lipstick, I again could have written much above. My ex is not a head turner if you will. He definitely scored UP with me. Even MY ex said that!  I am not shallow nor to I believe r/s are about looks or that superficialness. I'm just saying, he is not the kind of man that was equal to me in that way. Why, I too, took a huge hit to my ego being dumped and devalued in the same way you were. My friends, who tried to be supportive would say "how could you let someone like THAT make you feel this way?"  They didn't see who I saw.  I loved that man. He was beautiful to me. And I knew him for a length of time. Far before the r/s began.

And, I did expect more from him bc I wanted more for both of us. We both had been in unloving r/s. Then, we found what we both had always wanted... .together. With total ease.  And,  I did NOT control him bc that is not love or anything healthy. Ever.  I actually taught him about self confidence, about how freeing it is to be with someone and NOT seek to be or to to give control.  To trust. To love that way.

He told me over and over and over again, and I do believe this was true, that what he had with me was truly the love he had ALWAYS wanted and never knew existed. That he was NOT fulfilled the way he was with me in his marriage.  Or with anyone.  And again, I know we read the scripts they say here, but I really do believe that to be his truth. Bc we were together for a length of time and, it was indeed very real.  AT THE TIME. He too wanted a life with me, as yours did. It was not fake. It was a relationship.

When he started to really push me away as the disorder was in full bloom I actually asked him flat out to just leave if he needed to. That, like you, if he felt he needed to go back to his former r/s, go back. I loved him in a way that would be happy for him, if that was his truth. Was the r/s that he felt love. Free.

And he responded so many times through such heavy tears that he did not know why he was struggling so much with this. Bc he WAS NOT happy in that r/s, he DID NOT feel loved there the way he did with me, and he really could clearly see our future and wanted that future. That what we had he did not question. It was all he ever wanted. So, why he would say, through those tears, was he struggling to accept it.  Why did he feel he had to give that former r/s another chance?

He struggled very hard over this and I would tell him to go. Follow your heart. I remember once asking him if he felt he was going to stay in that r/s forever if he went back. His answer was "yes, I can see myself staying there forever, but not for the right reasons. For some reason I feel I need to be there."

So I moved forward and he went back to his NPD partner. They live life by control. Routine. You could set a clock by it. Same places, same everything. All the time. No changes or out side the box thinking. Boring.  It's all rote to me with little substance. A facade. Just a structure around something with little depth. No touching, no affection. Control.  And ultimately quite safe for them both. He can't live without her control. Her dependency on him. Very codependant that way. And, for that I am happy for him as clearly, his disorder was so incredibly triggered by my love, by my lack of control, by my life of growth and change and brightness, and by my very real intimacy.  Your scenario is really the same. They just live by routine.

He too lives by these platitudes, these quotes like yours said to you. That made no sense given the situation. After planning a very real life with me. 

I told my ex many times how much he hurt me after he dumped me and ran. They can't comprehend that. It really is just another trigger. And, they cannot empathize outside of their own needs. So, they just erase and live like a kog in a wheel.

I want much more from life. I wanted that with him.  He could never live freely in that kind of life . A life full of affection, free of control, a life full of change and so much... .not obtainable with BPD.

[Loveofhislife]

Lipstick, Heel, CVM et.al: what an incredible thread. CVM and I have compared notes many times. After being away from my BPD Family for awhile, I return and am reminded how nourishing it is to come back. Thank you; I will write more after the tears have cleared. Heel--spot on! I was the perfect trigger; I believe he struggled with it always. But as I wrote on another thread; as long as he needed me; he clung to me: no matter how painful. I never could understand what he was grappling with. He often called me his butterfly--but what I didn't know was that he needed me to be petrified and put under glass where I never could escape and always could be controlled. I often have wondered how he stayed married (though he cheated and then re-married) to his wife of 17 years. He said she was drugged up always: "dumb and numb" in his words. I suspect he is back with her or another facsimile of her.

Makes me think of the lyrics of a favorite Elton John song,

You almost had your hooks in me didn't you dear

You nearly had me roped and tied

Altar-bound, hypnotized

Sweet freedom whispered in my ear

You're a butterfly

And butterflies are free to fly

Fly away, high away bye bye

[lipstick]

Does BPD go dormant for long periods? His marriage is such that there are no triggers for him. They have a platonic relationship. Basically, they are roommates, drinking buddies, and she is financially dependent on him for everything. There is no real intimacy and there is no chance of abandonment as she has nowhere else to go.

Hi Lipstick,

Our experiences were so similar and I realize why you continue to ask bc I did and sometimes still struggle with this. Our stories are alike as my expBPD had his dream with me and was apparently in a very unhappy marriage prior to me. This was something we talked about all the time as like you, we both had been in unloving situations when we met.  We had a very, very loving r/s based in caring.  We were supposed to have a life together. I moved forward, he ran back.

Went back, acted like I/we never existed, painted me blacker then black out of no where and acts like he has a perfect marriage now, out and about in a happy very content way. No evidence of the disorder that I can see. As if its gone.  When we were together the disorder was incredibly evident ( did not know about BPD then but looking back its clear as day). He displays NONE of that now. None.

The disorder is in check now for your ex and for mine as per above. Routine. Structure. Predicability. No intimacy. No fear of abandonment. No triggers.

Happy? I think the definition is very different for them. Calm perhaps is more like it.

Hi CaredVeryMuch,

Yes, I remember the similarities in our BPD experiences!  You are 100% spot-on with his disorder being in check. And perhaps that is what's best for him? He and the spouse do the same things over and over and over. Go to the same places. Never leave their little town. Of course, it's a beautiful beach community and I wouldn't leave often, either!   However, I think their reasons are twofold. They can't really afford it and I think there is comfort in just doing the same things repeatedly. I find that boring - but whatever.

This is going to sound strange, but let me try to explain what I think they "believe". It appears that the two of them are stuck in some kind of strange time-warp. Like - things aren't allowed to ever CHANGE. Change is bad (in their minds). Change means possible abandonment. So they do the same things all.the.time.     She hasn't changed her hairstyle in years. They go to the same worn out places and don't really have friends. Just casual acquaintances. It seems to me like they're trying to hang onto something that is slipping away. I'm probably not making any sense with this - but I know they've been doing a lot of "traveling down memory lane" these days. Revisiting past events and basically living in the past. Which is fine - but it seems like they're desperately clinging to a life that is going to change whether they want it to or not. She is not getting any younger and does not look good at all.  He also has health issues. So I wonder if they sense that time is catching up to them?

The ex did tell me that his life was "the only one he could ever imagine". I think he is comfortable. Just... .comfortable. Nothing more. And that is boring. He also told me in our last actual communication (prior to him coming back a year later) that he had an "obligation to his family to make his marriage work". Huh?  All of their children are grown and are leading their own lives.  That statement made no sense to me - but I figured it was a way to dismiss me. This after asking me to marry him and have a child with him. Such baloney.

I'm so sorry you and I had this experience. It's made me distrust people and feel inferior to an abusive old drunk! Choosing her over me was so hard to accept. Definite body blow to the ego!  But perhaps he is better off in the life he's living. If it keeps the disorder in check - I guess I should be happy for him!  Yet he should know how much he hurt me.

Lipstick, I again could have written much above. My ex is not a head turner if you will. He definitely scored UP with me. Even MY ex said that!  I am not shallow nor to I believe r/s are about looks or that superficialness. I'm just saying, he is not the kind of man that was equal to me in that way. Why, I too, took a huge hit to my ego being dumped and devalued in the same way you were. My friends, who tried to be supportive would say "how could you let someone like THAT make you feel this way?"  They didn't see who I saw.  I loved that man. He was beautiful to me. And I knew him for a length of time. Far before the r/s began.

And, I did expect more from him bc I wanted more for both of us. We both had been in unloving r/s. Then, we found what we both had always wanted... .together. With total ease.  And,  I did NOT control him bc that is not love or anything healthy. Ever.  I actually taught him about self confidence, about how freeing it is to be with someone and NOT seek to be or to to give control.  To trust. To love that way.

He told me over and over and over again, and I do believe this was true, that what he had with me was truly the love he had ALWAYS wanted and never knew existed. That he was NOT fulfilled the way he was with me in his marriage.  Or with anyone.  And again, I know we read the scripts they say here, but I really do believe that to be his truth. Bc we were together for a length of time and, it was indeed very real.  AT THE TIME. He too wanted a life with me, as yours did. It was not fake. It was a relationship.

When he started to really push me away as the disorder was in full bloom I actually asked him flat out to just leave if he needed to. That, like you, if he felt he needed to go back to his former r/s, go back. I loved him in a way that would be happy for him, if that was his truth. Was the r/s that he felt love. Free.

And he responded so many times through such heavy tears that he did not know why he was struggling so much with this. Bc he WAS NOT happy in that r/s, he DID NOT feel loved there the way he did with me, and he really could clearly see our future and wanted that future. That what we had he did not question. It was all he ever wanted. So, why he would say, through those tears, was he struggling to accept it.  Why did he feel he had to give that former r/s another chance?

He struggled very hard over this and I would tell him to go. Follow your heart. I remember once asking him if he felt he was going to stay in that r/s forever if he went back. His answer was "yes, I can see myself staying there forever, but not for the right reasons. For some reason I feel I need to be there."

So I moved forward and he went back to his NPD partner. They live life by control. Routine. You could set a clock by it. Same places, same everything. All the time. No changes or out side the box thinking. Boring.  It's all rote to me with little substance. A facade. Just a structure around something with little depth. No touching, no affection. Control.  And ultimately quite safe for them both. He can't live without her control. Her dependency on him. Very codependant that way. And, for that I am happy for him as clearly, his disorder was so incredibly triggered by my love, by my lack of control, by my life of growth and change and brightness, and by my very real intimacy.  Your scenario is really the same. They just live by routine.

He too lives by these platitudes, these quotes like yours said to you. That made no sense given the situation. After planning a very real life with me.  

I told my ex many times how much he hurt me after he dumped me and ran. They can't comprehend that. It really is just another trigger. And, they cannot empathize outside of their own needs. So, they just erase and live like a kog in a wheel.

I want much more from life. I wanted that with him.  He could never live freely in that kind of life . A life full of affection, free of control, a life full of change and so much... .not obtainable with BPD.

CaredVeryMuch,

You articulated exactly what I've been trying to get out. And my ex? His spouse is either BPD or NPD or a mixture of both.  I'm not sure. But definitely plays helpless when it benefits her. Like playing on my ex's guilt when he left her. He told me more than once that his leaving her would "destroy" her. She would "never recover". Bull! She would survive. I think he just didn't want to face the fallout from her family. They would view it as him being a cruel ba$tard by leaving her in her "twilight years".  He doesn't want to be thought of that way. Wants to be thought of as a good guy by everyone.

"Living life by control. Routine."  YES! THIS!  Always the same. There can be NO CHANGE! I guess change triggers them. I mean - it's the same restaurant on the same night every week. Cannot deviate from the routine! Same, same, same.

My ex also ferociously clings to long-dead relatives and places from his past. Except for his hometown. That's where I live and he can't deal with that! Must ignore! Even in his little FB photography group - he ignores lovely photos from our hometown while "liking" crappy pictures. Childish, no?

It is not what I would consider a "good life". He calls it comfortable. I call it dull.  Like your ex - his relationship with the spouse is lacking in affection. No touching (she doesn't like anyone touching her). Definitely no sex. He told me once that the fact he had to masturbate - due to spouse not interested in sex - somehow made him a failure as a man. I told him that was nonsense. That it was her limitations. They have gone to several therapists to no avail. She just won't.

So how does he entertain himself these days? Why, Facebook of course. Constantly. Even while he is at work. What the hell do you find to do on FB 24/7?  But there he is - posting his pictures. Waiting for the same three or four people to "like" them. Going home to the spouse. Getting drunk in his recliner. Reminiscing with her about days gone by. Again - on FB all night. Staying up till the wee hours. Occasionally spying on me. Drinking from a glass that I gave him. That he apparently treasures. Wearing shoes that I gave him. But I'm evil and must be avoided.

Yes, we deserve more. I'm trying to work on it.  I see you definitely are. You go, girl !  

[lipstick]

Lipstick, Heel, CVM et.al: what an incredible thread. CVM and I have compared notes many times. After being away from my BPD Family for awhile, I return and am reminded how nourishing it is to come back. Thank you; I will write more after the tears have cleared. Heel--spot on! I was the perfect trigger; I believe he struggled with it always. But as I wrote on another thread; as long as he needed me; he clung to me: no matter how painful. I never could understand what he was grappling with. He often called me his butterfly--but what I didn't know was that he needed me to be petrified and put under glass where I never could escape and always could be controlled. I often have wondered how he stayed married (though he cheated and then re-married) to his wife of 17 years. He said she was drugged up always: "dumb and numb" in his words. I suspect he is back with her or another facsimile of her.

Makes me think of the lyrics of a favorite Elton John song,

Hi LoveofHisLife,

"Someone Saved My Life Tonight" - Elton John. An old favorite. Have it loaded on my iPod. Like to sing it really loud when no one is home!   

I guess they have to stay with those that can be controlled. Mine is with a woman twelve years his senior. Her looks are gone and she is very insecure. He controls the purse strings and pretty much everything else. She doesn't even know how to pay a bill online! 

I am her total and complete opposite. In every way. And she was a better choice for him than me. They just celebrated twenty six years together. He made sure to post that on FB for all to see.

Please do write more when you are ready. I have enjoyed your past postings. And your avatar always makes me smile!

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and where you are at now in the healing process.   

[Caredverymuch]

Lipstick, Heel, CVM et.al: what an incredible thread. CVM and I have compared notes many times. After being away from my BPD Family for awhile, I return and am reminded how nourishing it is to come back. Thank you; I will write more after the tears have cleared. Heel--spot on! I was the perfect trigger; I believe he struggled with it always. But as I wrote on another thread; as long as he needed me; he clung to me: no matter how painful. I never could understand what he was grappling with. He often called me his butterfly--but what I didn't know was that he needed me to be petrified and put under glass where I never could escape and always could be controlled. I often have wondered how he stayed married (though he cheated and then re-married) to his wife of 17 years. He said she was drugged up always: "dumb and numb" in his words. I suspect he is back with her or another facsimile of her.

Makes me think of the lyrics of a favorite Elton John song,

You almost had your hooks in me didn't you dear

You nearly had me roped and tied

Altar-bound, hypnotized

Sweet freedom whispered in my ear

You're a butterfly

And butterflies are free to fly

Fly away, high away bye bye

Loveoghislife and Lipstick, its uncanny the similarities of our mutual experiences. It appears we are three strong passionate women all the same age w the ability to stand on our own feet very well.  And I know we are strong and I know we learned much from this.  Write a book with me!

LoveOf... .Your words always hit straight through the minutia and drive home the message we all missed while we were in our own BPD love of his life fold.  Im glad to see you back here and please let us know how things are going. 

We got knocked down pretty hard by this experience but we are still standing and no one will get the chance to knock us down again. Self inventory and self love is a powerful thing and despite the very obvious heartache that may always have some space within and of what each one of us has endured, we endured.  We need to feel to heal.  We feel.  We need to feel to LOVE.   We know love.  And we know who we are.  Now clearer than ever before.  This transformation is the end product of a horrific and cruel journey. And its okay to still remain on it bc that means we keep ourselves in check.

These are our gifts.  Self awareness. Expression. Presence.  Your highest self is not something you have to go out and seek.  By peeling back and discarding the heaviness, you uncover your brightest self.  And this and so many other powerful reasons that the universe holds for us, is why we all are right here.  And, will all be okay.

[Caredverymuch]

Does BPD go dormant for long periods? His marriage is such that there are no triggers for him. They have a platonic relationship. Basically, they are roommates, drinking buddies, and she is financially dependent on him for everything. There is no real intimacy and there is no chance of abandonment as she has nowhere else to go.

Hi Lipstick,

Our experiences were so similar and I realize why you continue to ask bc I did and sometimes still struggle with this. Our stories are alike as my expBPD had his dream with me and was apparently in a very unhappy marriage prior to me. This was something we talked about all the time as like you, we both had been in unloving situations when we met.  We had a very, very loving r/s based in caring.  We were supposed to have a life together. I moved forward, he ran back.

Went back, acted like I/we never existed, painted me blacker then black out of no where and acts like he has a perfect marriage now, out and about in a happy very content way. No evidence of the disorder that I can see. As if its gone.  When we were together the disorder was incredibly evident ( did not know about BPD then but looking back its clear as day). He displays NONE of that now. None.

The disorder is in check now for your ex and for mine as per above. Routine. Structure. Predicability. No intimacy. No fear of abandonment. No triggers.

Happy? I think the definition is very different for them. Calm perhaps is more like it.

Hi CaredVeryMuch,

Yes, I remember the similarities in our BPD experiences!  You are 100% spot-on with his disorder being in check. And perhaps that is what's best for him? He and the spouse do the same things over and over and over. Go to the same places. Never leave their little town. Of course, it's a beautiful beach community and I wouldn't leave often, either!   However, I think their reasons are twofold. They can't really afford it and I think there is comfort in just doing the same things repeatedly. I find that boring - but whatever.

This is going to sound strange, but let me try to explain what I think they "believe". It appears that the two of them are stuck in some kind of strange time-warp. Like - things aren't allowed to ever CHANGE. Change is bad (in their minds). Change means possible abandonment. So they do the same things all.the.time.     She hasn't changed her hairstyle in years. They go to the same worn out places and don't really have friends. Just casual acquaintances. It seems to me like they're trying to hang onto something that is slipping away. I'm probably not making any sense with this - but I know they've been doing a lot of "traveling down memory lane" these days. Revisiting past events and basically living in the past. Which is fine - but it seems like they're desperately clinging to a life that is going to change whether they want it to or not. She is not getting any younger and does not look good at all.  He also has health issues. So I wonder if they sense that time is catching up to them?

The ex did tell me that his life was "the only one he could ever imagine". I think he is comfortable. Just... .comfortable. Nothing more. And that is boring. He also told me in our last actual communication (prior to him coming back a year later) that he had an "obligation to his family to make his marriage work". Huh?  All of their children are grown and are leading their own lives.  That statement made no sense to me - but I figured it was a way to dismiss me. This after asking me to marry him and have a child with him. Such baloney.

I'm so sorry you and I had this experience. It's made me distrust people and feel inferior to an abusive old drunk! Choosing her over me was so hard to accept. Definite body blow to the ego!  But perhaps he is better off in the life he's living. If it keeps the disorder in check - I guess I should be happy for him!  Yet he should know how much he hurt me.

Lipstick, I again could have written much above. My ex is not a head turner if you will. He definitely scored UP with me. Even MY ex said that!  I am not shallow nor to I believe r/s are about looks or that superficialness. I'm just saying, he is not the kind of man that was equal to me in that way. Why, I too, took a huge hit to my ego being dumped and devalued in the same way you were. My friends, who tried to be supportive would say "how could you let someone like THAT make you feel this way?"  They didn't see who I saw.  I loved that man. He was beautiful to me. And I knew him for a length of time. Far before the r/s began.

And, I did expect more from him bc I wanted more for both of us. We both had been in unloving r/s. Then, we found what we both had always wanted... .together. With total ease.  And,  I did NOT control him bc that is not love or anything healthy. Ever.  I actually taught him about self confidence, about how freeing it is to be with someone and NOT seek to be or to to give control.  To trust. To love that way.

He told me over and over and over again, and I do believe this was true, that what he had with me was truly the love he had ALWAYS wanted and never knew existed. That he was NOT fulfilled the way he was with me in his marriage.  Or with anyone.  And again, I know we read the scripts they say here, but I really do believe that to be his truth. Bc we were together for a length of time and, it was indeed very real.  AT THE TIME. He too wanted a life with me, as yours did. It was not fake. It was a relationship.

When he started to really push me away as the disorder was in full bloom I actually asked him flat out to just leave if he needed to. That, like you, if he felt he needed to go back to his former r/s, go back. I loved him in a way that would be happy for him, if that was his truth. Was the r/s that he felt love. Free.

And he responded so many times through such heavy tears that he did not know why he was struggling so much with this. Bc he WAS NOT happy in that r/s, he DID NOT feel loved there the way he did with me, and he really could clearly see our future and wanted that future. That what we had he did not question. It was all he ever wanted. So, why he would say, through those tears, was he struggling to accept it.  Why did he feel he had to give that former r/s another chance?

He struggled very hard over this and I would tell him to go. Follow your heart. I remember once asking him if he felt he was going to stay in that r/s forever if he went back. His answer was "yes, I can see myself staying there forever, but not for the right reasons. For some reason I feel I need to be there."

So I moved forward and he went back to his NPD partner. They live life by control. Routine. You could set a clock by it. Same places, same everything. All the time. No changes or out side the box thinking. Boring.  It's all rote to me with little substance. A facade. Just a structure around something with little depth. No touching, no affection. Control.  And ultimately quite safe for them both. He can't live without her control. Her dependency on him. Very codependant that way. And, for that I am happy for him as clearly, his disorder was so incredibly triggered by my love, by my lack of control, by my life of growth and change and brightness, and by my very real intimacy.  Your scenario is really the same. They just live by routine.

He too lives by these platitudes, these quotes like yours said to you. That made no sense given the situation. After planning a very real life with me.  

I told my ex many times how much he hurt me after he dumped me and ran. They can't comprehend that. It really is just another trigger. And, they cannot empathize outside of their own needs. So, they just erase and live like a kog in a wheel.

I want much more from life. I wanted that with him.  He could never live freely in that kind of life . A life full of affection, free of control, a life full of change and so much... .not obtainable with BPD.

CaredVeryMuch,

You articulated exactly what I've been trying to get out. And my ex? His spouse is either BPD or NPD or a mixture of both.  I'm not sure. But definitely plays helpless when it benefits her. Like playing on my ex's guilt when he left her.

Of course. That's why they yolk so "well" together and will maintain that place of playing into one anothers emotional baggage. Both empty at the core. Maintaining a structure around little depth based on control. One is a vice, the other clings while keeping intimacy non inclusive in the r/s.

I think he just didn't want to face the fallout from her family. They would view it as him being a cruel ba$tard by leaving her in her "twilight years".  He doesn't want to be thought of that way. Wants to be thought of as a good guy by everyone.  

SAME exact story w my ex. Literally. Funny, he wanted/needed to be seen as the "good guy" to everyone in his ex's family, including her, but could easily treat me the way he did.

"Living life by control. Routine."  YES! THIS!  Always the same. There can be NO CHANGE! I guess change triggers them. I mean - it's the same restaurant on the same night every week. Cannot deviate from the routine! Same, same, same.



Cluster B PD's thrive on structure and routine. It keeps them feeling "safe" and provides a sense of "normalcy" in their otherwise very emotionally uncontrollable inner world.  SAME everything. Same time to eat. Same time to bed. Same time to go to the store. Park car same way. Same spot.  It's pathologic.



My ex also ferociously clings to long-dead relatives and places from his past. Childish, no?

 

Another incredible similarity in our experiences Lipstick. My ex continually drove to all the places from his past. Dead relatives homes. Cemeteries. That was his favorite place to hang out and the routine "ride." Whereby I would want to take the road less traveled. Not him. Clung to the long dead while completely unable to accept the gift of living freely.  My friends used to ask where we were going, to the cemetery again?



It is not what I would consider a "good life". He calls it comfortable. I call it dull.  Like your ex - his relationship with the spouse is lacking in affection. No touching (she doesn't like anyone touching her). Definitely no sex.



Its not a "good life", its a life that keeps the d/o in check.  No intimacy/sex, no engulfment. No abandonment fear to ignite bc they are codependents.

So how does he entertain himself these days? Why, Facebook of course. Constantly. Even while he is at work. What the hell do you find to do on FB 24/7?

Narcisstic supply to an exaggerated false imagine and the ability to silently stalk attachments.



Staying up till the wee hours.  

Classic BPD/NPD. They either sleep for 14 hrs or are up for 14 hrs. Sleep is not for sleep.



Yes, we deserve more. I'm trying to work on it.  I see you definitely are. You go, girl !  

Clearly this experience affected me more than any other in my life but it also taught me more than any other experience in my life.  I do not need anyone in my life who is not good for my life.  I have let go of that which no longer serves me and opened myself up with no sense of control.

Any man who could do what those men did. They are not good for either of our lives Lipstick.  Let them keep running in a circle and clinging to that which is far gone. Which, includes me.

You. Go. Girl! The world is yours!

[lipstick]

It is not what I would consider a "good life". He calls it comfortable. I call it dull.  Like your ex - his relationship with the spouse is lacking in affection. No touching (she doesn't like anyone touching her). Definitely no sex.



Its not a "good life", its a life that keeps the d/o in check.  No intimacy/sex, no engulfment. No abandonment fear to ignite bc they are codependents.

So how does he entertain himself these days? Why, Facebook of course. Constantly. Even while he is at work. What the hell do you find to do on FB 24/7?

Narcisstic supply to an exaggerated false imagine and the ability to silently stalk attachments.



Staying up till the wee hours.  

Classic BPD/NPD. They either sleep for 14 hrs or are up for 14 hrs. Sleep is not for sleep.



Yes, we deserve more. I'm trying to work on it.  I see you definitely are. You go, girl !   [/quote]
Clearly this experience affected me more than any other in my life but it also taught me more than any other experience in my life.  I do not need anyone in my life who is not good for my life.  I have let go of that which no longer serves me and opened myself up with no sense of control.

Any man who could do what those men did. They are not good for either of our lives Lipstick.  Let them keep running in a circle and clinging to that which is far gone. Which, includes me.

You. Go. Girl! The world is yours![/quote]
Hi CaredVeryMuch,

This was an absolutely amazing post! I had tears in my eyes while reading it. It's eerie and so very sad how our experiences mirror each other's. I'm still floored by what my ex did. You're so right - they are NOT good for either of us.

They do lead such mundane lives. Mine tried to convince me that his was crazy and chaotic. Well, he got the crazy part right. Chaotic because of who he chooses to be with.

Something I was thinking about this morning... .the ex is totally addicted to taking these photos and posting them to FB CONSTANTLY!  They are always of the same thing. Either a sunrise or a sunset at his beach. Toss in a few seagulls and sand cranes occasionally. But he does this every.single.day. unless the weather is bad. It's always the same handful of people "liking" them. His two sons never do, BTW!  And the number of folks "liking" them has been dwindling. He also recently created a SEPARATE FB page for these same photos. So he's basically "double posting".

My point on the above? I actually got quite a bit of smug satisfaction and a huge laugh out of the fact that NOBODY gives a damn about the new FB page. Oh, he got about forty folks to "like" the page - but it was created to discuss photography techniques and equipment. Cue the crickets chirping!      Nobody participates.

So I'm wondering why he continues to post crap to the page when no one interacts on it? Seems dumb. I would just delete the page and forget about it. I'm glad I saw it happen, though. Shows not everyone thinks he's "all that". Since I was given absolutely zero closure from him - any little crumb I can find where it shows him as a dumb a$$ is a little bit of that closure. I know it's silly of me - but whatever.

Does your ex stalk you on FB? I believe mine does. Thru a deactivated account that he activates during the night to spy on me.

I'm weary from this lesson. Ready to put him behind me. But I just want to see a little more implosion first. Is that juvenile? Perhaps. I don't care, though.

     

[Suzn]

Hi lipstick

I read a little about your story. I'm sorry you've been through all of this. I read that you left a 17 year marriage. That's a long time to be married these days. I was curious to know how you are dealing with that loss?

I am also curious to know where you got all this information about his spouse, was it from him? I ask because I remember all the things my ex told me about her exes and come to find out later down the road that a lot that she told me was not on the mark at all. In fact most of what she told me where outright lies.

In fact one of her replacements told me that she had told her that we hadn't been together for a long time, that we were essentially roommates, no sex, etc... .Funny, that was news to me because we lived together and carried on like we were in a relationship as far as I knew.

[lipstick]

Hi Suzn

Yes . Confirmed by several people. My ex and spouse tried many different sex therapists. Even a nun! To no avail. Sex is painful for her and she has no interest, either.

My ex husband and I are working on our issues. Slowly. He's a good man and I lost sight of that!

[Caredverymuch]

Something I was thinking about this morning... .the ex is totally addicted to taking these photos and posting them to FB CONSTANTLY!  They are always of the same thing. Either a sunrise or a sunset at his beach. Toss in a few seagulls and sand cranes occasionally. But he does this every.single.day.

  ROUTINE ROUTINE ROUTINE.  Routine keeps a chaotic mind centered/distracted in a sense or order for a pBPD. Why their surroundings often wreak of OCD.

So I'm wondering why he continues to post crap to the page when no one interacts on it?

Seems like it would be kinda hard to keep critiquing the same sunrise and sunset unless you're counting seagulls Lol



Shows not everyone thinks he's "all that".

Often times a pBPD, despite their low sense of self, can have a (false) sense of grandiosity exaggerating their talents. My ex was into music ( small town). He REALLY thought he was the envy and end all to anyone who heard him. Sure he has talent. But, he really believes that he is grandiose. For instance, he once sent me an email that had to do with something he was involved w musically and told me to delete it right after reading, in a sense like it was "privledged/protected information." It was not. So even one "like" to your ex's FB page may be feeding his ego.

Since I was given absolutely zero closure from him

And you never will.  Its the disorder and immense shame.

Does your ex stalk you?

Of course he does. They always do in whatever immature way they need to.

I'm weary from this lesson. Ready to put him behind me. But I just want to see a little more implosion first.

I'm weary too Lipstick. I come here to remind myself of that. I read on another thread a good statement to remember. "I'm done trying to figure him out and what he did to me. He is disordered and nothing about what happened will ever make logical sense. I'm not disordered and I want to move on with my life." There comes a time when that's all that's left to know.   Lipstick, remind yourself. You already saw the implosion. You saw what his disorder does when triggered by love. Not need.  Love.  He lost a woman who loved him so much that it still lingers in her being. Look what kind of life he needs to live in order to function.  From your story, he was raised by an emotionally unavailable mother.  And he married the same. Routine makes him feel "safe."  That's his knowing of "love."  He is not able to sustain anything otherwise without becoming undone.

I commented on another thread recently that I gave my ex everything he had ever wanted and needed in a partner. A wise responder said " No, you gave him everything you wanted and needed."  This is a hard truth.

His needs are far too complex and deeply buried under the disorder.

I got better. He did not.  

I'll send you a PM.  

      

[Caredverymuch]

Something I was thinking about this morning... .the ex is totally addicted to taking these photos and posting them to FB CONSTANTLY!  They are always of the same thing. Either a sunrise or a sunset at his beach. Toss in a few seagulls and sand cranes occasionally. But he does this every.single.day.

  ROUTINE ROUTINE ROUTINE.  Routine keeps a chaotic mind centered/distracted in a sense or order for a pBPD. Why their surroundings often wreak of OCD.

So I'm wondering why he continues to post crap to the page when no one interacts on it?

Seems like it would be kinda hard to keep critiquing the same sunrise and sunset unless you're counting seagulls Lol



Shows not everyone thinks he's "all that".

Often times a pBPD, despite their low sense of self, can have a (false) sense of grandiosity exaggerating their talents. My ex was into music ( small town). He REALLY thought he was the envy and end all to anyone who heard him. Sure he has talent. But, he really believes that he is grandiose. For instance, he once sent me an email that had to do with something he was involved w musically and told me to delete it right after reading, in a sense like it was "privledged/protected information." It was not. So even one "like" to your ex's FB page may be feeding his ego.



Since I was given absolutely zero closure from him

And you never will.  Its the disorder and immense shame.

Does your ex stalk you?

Of course he does. They always do in whatever immature way they need to.



I'm weary from this lesson. Ready to put him behind me. But I just want to see a little more implosion first. [/b]

I'm weary too Lipstick. I come here to remind myself of that. I read on another thread a good statement to remember. "I'm done trying to figure him out and what he did to me. He is disordered and nothing about what happened will ever make logical sense. I'm not disordered and I want to move on with my life." There comes a time when that's all that's left to know.   Lipstick, remind yourself. You already saw the implosion. You saw what his disorder does when triggered by love. Not need.  Love.  He lost a woman who loved him so much that it still lingers in her being. Look what kind of life he needs to live in order to function.  From your story, he was raised by an emotionally unavailable mother.  And he married the same. Routine makes him feel "safe."  That's his knowing of "love."  He is not able to sustain anything otherwise without becoming undone.

I commented on another thread recently that I gave my ex everything he had ever wanted and needed in a partner. A wise responder said " No, you gave him everything you wanted and needed."  This is a hard truth.

His needs are far too complex and deeply buried under the disorder.

I got better. He did not.  

I'll send you a PM.